Smile Through Tears
by AJOregon
Summary: Losing a friend...building a family. Story starts with losing Nadia and follows the show. PD/Fire/Med crossover.
1. Chapter 1

Nadia is gone...taken from her team, her family. Each of them blamed themselves for her death, each of them has had to face more demons than any mortal being should ever have to face in a lifetime. They were protectors, and they had been unable to protect her. Adam was the last to see her, Jay knew her plan to get the cake, Erin knew she was planning something...and Voight...he didn't force her to stay inside where it was safe even though in his gut he knew something wasn't right. The entire team knew that he was dangerous, that he was the killer...none of them ever imagined that he would come after Nadia, she was not even a police officer...yet...and now she would never get the chance.

When Amaro called out, "We've got her." Voight, Jay and Erin's hearts dropped into their stomachs and Jay reached for Erin, shocked and unbelieving, just wanting to feel comfort...and to provide comfort for his Partner, his best friend, the woman he hoped he would one day have a chance to be with. After the three of them saw her laying their dead Voight gruffly ordered him to cover her up as the tears formed in his eyes, watching as Erin's heart shattered in front of his eyes Jay wrapped her in his arms and Hank felt Olivia's hand on his own back.

The world didn't stop around the four of them but it felt like it should. They stood there as her body was put into a bag and taken away in the van, Erin collapsing into the muddy sand as the doors were closed. They all allowed their tears to fall silently as the anger was ready to boil over. "Our team will take it from here." They heard Olivia tell Voight who only nodded in response.

"No media on this. We need to tell them in person." Jay whispered breaking the silence as he thought of how the rest of their team would react to the news. They had delivered the news of deaths to family and friends before but it was never like this...it was never their own little sister.

"Got you seats on the next flight to O'Hare. When we can we will bring her home to you." Amaro said a few minutes later as he placed a comforting hand on Jay's shoulder.

"Let me take you all back to the hotel...you need to change and get to the airport." Olivia told Hank as she led him to her car, Jay half carrying Erin behind them as she continued to sob silently wrapping herself in his arms as Olivia drove them back to the hotel. At the hotel Jay carried Erin in and deposited her on the counter as he turned on the shower behind him. He slowly stripped her of her muddy and sand caked clothes before taking his own off and getting them both in the shower. Washing away the sand and mud and salty sea air from their bodies he held Erin's near full body weight as she clung to him.

"Plane leaves in a little over an hour." Voight said exhaustively as he walked into the bathroom leaving behind a fresh pair of clothes for each of the members of his team.

When Jay and Erin emerged from the bathroom a couple minutes later to find Hank leaning into Olivia crying Erin started to move towards the man she saw as a father but Jay held her back. She sat down on the bed and they watched as Olivia led him into the bathroom in the same manner that Jay had just helped her. Voight never let his guard down like that, never showed emotion like that...especially to someone he hardly knew. "They care about each other Linds, just go with it...he didn't try to kill me knowing that we were in the shower together." Jay said with a sad smile.

"She's really gone." Erin whispered as a fresh flood of tears fell from her eyes. Jay threw their belongings into the closest bags and tossed them by the door, doing the same things with Voight's bringing a fresh pair of clothes into the bathroom and gathering the dirty ones and throwing them into his suitcase. There was no such thing as privacy or personal space when they were so blind from the shock of discovering Nadia's body cold and gray, open eyes staring blankly up into the gray sky.

Olivia caught Jay's eye when he set the clothes silently on the counter. With a sad smile and soft voice, "I will be to Chicago as soon as I can...Please..."

"I will get them home." Jay promised her.

"Halstead...You take care of my girl. I will be fine." Hank gruffed as he reached for a towel. The lack of his typical roughness he usually aired was frightening to Jay. Their entire team, no matter what they went through were never this changed...but they had never lost someone like Nadia before, he knew things would get worse before they got better.

"Sure you will Sarge." Jay said walking back towards Erin who had curled herself up in a ball. She sat up and pulled her knees to her chest when he approached. "So help me Lindsay if you shut us out..."

"Promise me you won't give up on me." She whispered as he sat down behind her.

"You are my partner." He said pulling her damp hair back into a messy pony tail and kissing her neck.

"No matter what?" She asked him with a shaken voice.

"Always." Jay answered her, he was scared to death what the no matter what would entail...he knew it wouldn't be pretty...and it wouldn't be easy.

Voight walked out a few seconds later and nodded at Jay, "You ready?"

"Don't think I could ever be ready for this. Nadia...she should be coming home with us...not on a damn metal table getting cut apart to see what that bastard did to her." Erin answered for him as tears streamed down her face.

"Halstead." Voight barked trying to fight back his own unshed tears, he couldn't handle seeing his daughter as upset as she was. That was when Jay realized the difference between then and previous losses to the team...Erin...the one who was stronger than anyone...the one who always had her guard up...the one with the comforting words to say was completely broken and lost.

"We are right behind you." Jay answered, voice cracking. He pulled Erin up and after she wobbled on her first few steps he picked her up and she wrapped her arms around his neck and legs around his waist, he felt her tears soak through his sweatshirt as he carried her down to Olivia's waiting car.

By the time they reached the airport her tears had dried and her breathing had slowed, almost too slow, too calm, she had flipped her switch and was on autopilot. Jay and Erin grabbed their bags and said goodbye to Olivia. Jay turned around at the door and saw Olivia wipe a tear from Voight's eye before pulling him into a quick hug. When she let go Jay quickly turned around and followed Erin to check in for their flight.

They were rushed to their gate and immediately boarded the plane bypassing all security. The three of them shared row 26, right on the wing. Erin sat by the window, Voight on the isle. Jay was relieved to be between them so he could keep an eye on both. As much as he was hurting he knew Erin was far worse than he was and he needed to have her back as much as he knew she would push him away. He felt guilty for being almost more upset because she would shut him out than he was for the loss of his friend, almost. Voight was fiddling clumsily with his phone as they waited for boarding to be completed. Erin had leaned her head against the cool window and stared blankly out at the wing. Jay watched as Voight sent a message to Al saying they would be back in Chicago in a couple hours. When he got the message back asking if Nadia was with them his hands started to shake so bad that he could hardly hold the phone.

Jay reached over and grabbed the phone, shutting it off and putting it in his pocket. When Hank gave him a glare that would have induced a heart attack in most people Jay just whispered, "You know you can't answer that on the phone."

Voight slumped back into his seat resigned. His hands still shook as the flight attendants prepped the plane for takeoff. "I should have done things differently." Hank mumbled as the plane took off down the runway. Jay felt Erin reach over and he flipped up the armrest between them and she leaned into him and reached across and put her hand on Hank's arm. "I'm sorry Kid." He whispered to her feeling her touch.

"When is the last time you slept? You need to sleep." Erin asked him when she noticed his hands were shaking.

"Don't worry about me." Hank grumbled. Jay felt Erin shrug and she snuggled into Jay trying to hide her tears, she hated seeing her Dad upset and knew that there was about as much she could do to make him feel better as he could for her...nothing. As the plane climbed in the sky the whir of the engines lulled her to sleep. Jay saw Voight yawn and turned to look at him. "I said don't worry about me."

"Just relax would you...when we get there...you will need your energy." Jay told him.

Voight turned to face him, "I'm gonna need help with this."

"Then trust me. What's gonna happen on the plane?" Jay said making himself comfortable with his arm on the shared armrest between them.

"You sleeping too?" Hank asked Jay.

"Gonna try." Jay answered him as he closed his eyes. Hank took a deep breath, reclined his seat and closed his eyes, putting his arm on the armrest pushed up against Jay's arm seeking comfort he was too stubborn to ask for. Jay opened his eyes and looked at his boss, "Sarge?"

"I dont think I have been this exhausted since Camille died." He admitted.

"The last time you had to worry about her." Jay stated as he ran his fingers along Erin's cheekbone as she slept.

"She scared the shit out of me sometimes...how she is able to hold herself together when everyone else falls apart..."

"So when she falls apart...she can't do anything on the plane...between the two of us...we will figure out how to get her through this." Jay promised him.

"God I hope you are right." Hank told him trying to force the tears back that were threatening to fall.

"It is like a three hour flight to get back home..." When he watched Hank reach up and wipe a tear that slid down his cheek Jay flipped his hand around and put it on Hank's arm. "I swear to you nothing is going to happen between now and when we land." Hank nodded and closed his eyes, his hand still shaking slightly Jay did not let go but tightened the grip on his arm. "I've got this." He promised as he closed his eye to try to sleep but did not relax until he felt Hank's arm relax under his hand.

Erin woke up a couple hours later and smiled when she saw Hank's head on her partner's shoulder and Jay's head resting against Hank's. She quickly pulled out her phone and took a photo to capture the memory and to send it to Nadia...then she remembered Nadia would never see it and the weight of that hit her like a ton of bricks. She shared everything with Nadia, hell Nadia was the only one knew about her and Jay's sleepovers. The instant she tensed at her realization Jay woke up and looked at her. Without moving his shoulder that was being used as a pillow he reached over and pulled her back into his chest, "I've got you." He whispered in her ear when he saw the photo on her phone, "You know she would have plastered that all over the unit."

"It's my fault." Erin whispered so quietly Jay barely heard her but he held her tighter into him.

"This is not on you." He tried to assure her but knew it was falling on deaf ears. He only hoped it wouldn't send her too far over the edge that he couldn't pull her back. Jay knew that he had her until they put that bastard behind bars but the second that was done she would want to be in the wind. Erin fell back asleep quickly, she was completely spent both physically and emotionally. Jay leaned his head against his partner and closed his eyes to try to collect his thoughts as they flew from New York to Chicago.

The three of them woke up as the attendant made the announcement that they were coming in for a landing. Voight and Jay shared a look as Jay refused to loosen his hold on Erin. They quickly grabbed their bags and Jay led Erin through the airport and to the parking garage where Voight's car was waiting for them. They drove straight to the station without turning on their phones. "Take her up to my office. Do not stop or talk to anyone just go up and shut the door. I will go in the front and tell Trudy and meet you up there to tell the team. If Al follows you in just tell him to get everyone up there."

"This is going to suck." Jay mumbled as Voight parked his car. Leaving their bags in the car Jay and Erin walked hand in hand up the back entrance and straight through the bullpen and into the office where Erin collapsed into Hanks chair. "Wonder where everyone is." Jay said a few minutes later not really expecting an answer.

"I don't know how we are suppose to tell everyone she is gone." Erin said looking up at Jay who had gone and opened the blinds on the office to see when people came up.

"Anyone text you?" Jay asked her as he pulled out his and Voights phones and flipped them on.

"Nope...you?"

"Nope...telling everyone to get back here now." When Jay saw Voight leading Trudy up the stairs and into his office he felt the tears sting his eyes. The pure grief stricken cry he heard when Hank opened the door was worse than he ever imagined and he instinctively reached for Erin who jumped up out of the chair and towards Jay who enveloped her into his arms as Hank led Trudy to his now vacated chair slamming the door shut with his foot in the process. Hank kept a firm grip on her shoulder but he didn't allow any more contact than that. It was a start contrast to the man they had seen the last few days in New York. This was the Sargent, this was not the father or friend, he had fortified his walls, braced himself for the impossible task of informing the team one of their own was gone.

Jay saw through the crack in the blinds that Al, Adam and Antonio had come in and were joined very shortly after by Atwater, Burgiss and Roman. "Voight..." Jay started.

"I saw um Kid." He said looking up to Jay with the sad eyes of a friend and Jay knew that Voight was struggling to keep the walls up that he had worked so hard to construct.

"I can do this if you stay with Linds..." Jay volunteered with a pit in his stomach. He felt Erin squeeze him tight before letting go and nodding up at him with tears in her eyes.

As she walked over and sat down on Hanks desk, she reached for her fathers hand and he held tight. "Leave the door open...once they know..." Hank told him.

"We will have a family meeting." Erin said with a sad smile, "Nadia loved those..."

Fighting back his own tears Jay walked to the door, turning around quickly to face the tear stained faces of Platt and his partner and the sad eyes of his Boss. "You've got this Kid." Hank told him with a nod.

With a deep breath Jay opened the door and walked over to his desk, sitting down on the edge he looked around at the expectant faces. "Did you find her?" "That was a quick trip, where is she?" "I knew you guys would get her back." "Is she in the office?"


	2. Chapter 2

With a deep breath Jay opened the door and walked over to his desk, sitting down on the edge he looked around at the expectant faces. "Did you find her?" "That was a quick trip, where is she?" "I knew you guys would get her back." "Is she in the office?"

He felt the tears stinging the back of his eyes, he felt everyone's eyes on him, holding onto their last string of hope. He knew that as soon as he spoke the words it would be final...she was gone and never coming back. When he heard Erin choke back a sob from the other room, "We were too late." He said as a tear slid from his eye, "We found her but we were too late."

Looking around the room he saw the tears form and begin to fall from his friends eyes. "How did he do it." Adam said as he walked towards Jay wrapping him in a tight embrace.

"Olivia's team is handling the investigation." Voight said gruffly walking up next to Jay and gripping his shoulder. Platt followed him out and stared at Nadia's desk as she slowly walked towards it.

Erin walked out and took a spot next to Antonio who was leaning against his desk and he pulled her into him. Jay could see the pain in Antonios eyes as he tried to hold himself together. "I need to officially notify the district of her death." Voight said to Jay. "You got this?" He asked looking around the room.

"Family sticks together." Adam answered, "we've got this. Meet us at Molly's when you are done."

Jay nodded and pulled Adam back into his side, "We will see you there Sarge. Call if you need..."

"Don't worry about me." Voight mumbled and Jay turned around and wrapped him in a quick but tight hug. "Take care of them now. Take care of our girl." Hank whispered before pulling away and walking down the stairs trying to hide the tears in his eyes from everyone.

"Kev you take Platt, Roman and Kim. I will take Al, Tonio, Lindsay and Jay." Adam started. Jay was impressed that he was helping to take the lead and gave him a small smile.

"Should we pack up her desk before we go?" Kevin asked.

"No!" Jay, Erin, Antonio and Al all said in unison.

Kevin held his hands up and said, "Woah guys...I don't know protocol for stuff like this...just trying to help."

"Today there is no work." Al said softly. "The desk will come in time."

"I miss her." Antonio whispered barely loud enough to hear. Jay and Erin shared a look, they had seen Nadia's cell phone records in New York and knew how much the two of them had talked.

Erin snuggled herself closer to him as Jay stepped toward him, "We all do." He said loud enough for everyone to hear and then as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder he whispered, "We know Dawson...we all miss her but we know it is different for you."

"She can't be gone...I can't lose two partners." He mumbled and Jay and Erin both immediately swarmed him in a tight embrace with the others joining in around them.

They stood there all crying and holding tight to each other until Roman spoke up, "Is Voight going to beat us there?"

Not more than five seconds later Jay's phone buzzed. "Shit...yes he is going to beat us there...he is at our table." Jay sent a quick text back and they walked down to the cars together. Jay crawled into the back seat with Erin and Antonio on either side of him.

"Adam why don't you take a lap around the block." Al said as they neared Molly's. Adam nodded and kept driving, "How was Voight since you found her?"

"He is Hank." Erin answered, "He is more worried about me than anything else."

"How bad is it going to be?" Al asked.

"We know she was beaten, tortured, raped and the buried in a shallow grave naked in the woods across from the beach." Jay answered, his voice cracking as he pictured her eyes staring up at the gray sky.

Everyone sucked in their breath as Jay spoke. "When New York releases their report I don't want any of you to read it."

"Like that is going to happen." Erin mumbled leaning into Jay.

"I don't want everyone to remember her by her death...she was amazing and we all need to remember her smile and laugh and all of the amazing little things about her."

When Adam parked he turned the car off and no one made a move to get out. Jay turned to his left and saw the tears in Antonios eyes, he felt Erin shaking on his right. "Tonight we drink, cry or laugh, scream or stay silent...just stick together." Adam said as he opened his door.

"No one in there cares that you cry." Jay said as he climbed out of the car following Antonio. Al wrapped Erin in his arm, Jay grabbing Antonios shoulder and guiding them in.

"Thought you were right behind us, what took you so long?" Roman asked as they walked in. Jay saw Kim elbow him in the side as they walked up to the table.

Gabi walked over with a couple pitchers of beer and a stack of mugs and then wrapped her brother in a giant hug. "Siento que perdio a su pareja. Tonio I'm so sorry." Antonio crumbled into her arms, Jay catching him just in time to keep them from falling to the floor.

Adam pushed a stool over to them and they helped him sit on it and held him as he fell apart. Gabby looked up at the table with tears in her eyes after a few minutes and told them that she needed to get back to the bar. She shared a look with Jay as she stepped out of Antonios embrace and he slid in, Adam stepping into Jay's place.

"Maybe Molly's wasn't the best place to go." Voight said taking a swig of his beer.

"No...Dad it is the perfect place...we can't go home...I can't go home..." Erin told him, trailing off at the end.

"Oh God...Linds...you can stay with me at my apartment if you need." Kim offered.

"You still have your room at home." Hank reminded her.

"I already have stuff at Jays...I was going to stay there for a few days." She said absentmindedly as she took a slow sip of beer.

"What do you mean you already have stuff at Jays?" Al asked her, surprised at the lack of response from Hank.

"Erin if you need any help with her things..." Trudy started.

Erin cut her off, "Until we are done with the court hearings her stuff is not getting touched. At home or her desk."

"Linds..." Jay said looking over at her as he held onto Antonio who was still gripping onto his shirt like it was his lifeline.

"Sorry guys...I don't mean to snap...I just..." Everyone saw as the tears started rolling down her cheeks and Hank walked over and wrapped her into his arms, "...Nadia was my...she was me...and I got her killed...I couldn't save her...I can't...I can't do this..." She cried into Hanks shoulder.

Antonio picked up his head and looked at Erin and pulled himself back from Jay and Adam. "She loved you...you did save her...you gave her hope...you kept her from killing herself..."

"She is dead Antonio...being cut apart in New York by some stranger to see what that sick bastard did to her...she was tortured...then dumped naked in a fucking tarp in the woods...her eyes...God I can't get them out of my head...it is so wrong..." She yelled as she tried to pull away from and punch Hank in the chest until she collapsed back into him.

As soon as Erin fell into Hank Jay saw the tears begin to fall from his eyes. He stepped away from Antonio and went around the table to Hank and Erin. Instead of comforting Erin, Jay stood behind Hank and gripped his shoulders. "Guys these next few weeks are going to be hard. We will be going back and forth from here to New York for court and we all need to step up and really stick together...to look out for each other. Losing Nadia...we cannot blame ourselves...some days we will be sad, angry, scared...some will be happy but most will be a mix of all of them. None of us...none of us will make it through this alone."

Jay moved one hand up and pulled Hanks head so it was leaning against his, "none of us." He said again. Hank nodded into Jay's hand before attempting to wipe the tears from his eyes whilst still holding Erin.

"What the hell happened in New York?" Kevin asked more to himself but the others were all thinking the same thing.

Jay saw Erin smirk before she sat back up, tears still falling from her eyes she pulled out her phone. "I took this on the plane coming home...was going to send it to Nadia...she would have loved it..."

"Really?" Jay asked sarcastically as he shook his head..."sorry Hank." Jay said with a chuckle as Erin handed her phone across the table to Kim.

"Oh my God!" Kim said with a huge grin, "Yeah...guaranteed she would have LOVED that!"

"What?" Adam and Trudy asked as they both tried to grab the phone from Kim. As the phone was passed around the smiles got bigger and the chuckles turned into laughter.

When Al got the phone he burst out laughing, "What the hell is the picture of?" Hank huffed before Al would hand him the phone.

"Camille always said you were a snuggler." Al said while laughing so hard he almost fell off his stool. Hank shook his head trying to look serious but everyone could see the spark of a smile in his eyes.

"She would love this...all of us here laughing...this is how we should remember her...this is how she would want us to remember her." Trudy said with a small smile. "God I will miss her."


	3. Chapter 3

"She would love this...all of us here laughing...this is how we should remember her...this is how she would want us to remember her." Trudy said with a small smile. "God I will miss her."

They spent the remainder of the night sitting in Molly's sharing their favorite memories, the later it got the more beer they drank and the more personal the stories got. Nadia had been there for each and every member of their team when they needed someone...even when they didn't realize they needed someone.

When it was time to leave Molly's the team was not ready to part so they all went back to Voights. Erin got herself busy fixing up the bedrooms and living room for everyone to stay. No one tried to stop her even though they all knew they wouldn't be sleeping in the rooms.

When she finally came back down she found her team huddled around in the living room, Hank in his armchair, Jay next to him on the couch with Antonio and Trudy,Al was kicked back in the other arm chair. Adam sat in front of Jay on the floor, Kevin and Roman both leaning against the couch or chairs and Kim was laying on her back with her head on Adams lap and legs sprawled over Romans.

Playing on the tv was Nadia's favorite movie-Bad Boys. Erin slowly walked over towards the couch and curled up on Jay's lap, Adam hooked his arm around her ankle and leaned his head against her leg. She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled Jays arm around her waist.

"You tired?" Jay whispered into her ear only loud enough for her to hear. When she gave a small nod he pulled her closer to him and kissed her forehead, "I'm not going anywhere." When she laid her head on Jays shoulder Antontio reached over and gently rubbed her back.

Less than a minute later Jay felt the full weight of her head and saw that she was no longer playing with Adams hair and that her hand had slid down and rested on his neck. Jay looked around the room and he saw Al's head slumped forward, Trudy had her head resting against the armrest on the couch, and Roman had fallen asleep with his head resting against Trudy's knee. Antonio was sitting next to him rereading all of the text message conversations he has had with Nadia, Kevin was staring at the screen but looked lost in thought, and Kim and Adam were drawing random pictures on each other's arms. Jay looked over at Hank and saw him pull out his phone. He flipped the screen to Jay and saw that it was Olivia before Hank got up and went into his office, shutting the door behind him.

As the movie ended and Kevin started the second Jay watched as Hank paced in his office, frequently running his hand over his face and through his hair. When Jay moved for a better view and Erin's head slid down his arm he gently laid her on the couch, Antonio holding her head into his chest. "Make sure Dad's ok, he's been talking to her a long time." Erin mumbled as Jay shrugged off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around his partner.

Jay smiled as he squeezed her shoulder, stepping over Adam he tossed a blanket over Al he let himself into the office taking a seat in his office chair. Hank put the phone on speaker and said, "Can you repeat that last part? Halsteads in here now."

Olivia repeated the autopsy findings and told them that her and Amaro would be bringing Nadia home. Jay put his head in his hands and rested his elbows on the edge of the desk. Hank picked the phone up and quickly got off the phone, he walked around towards Jay and sat down on the edge of his desk putting his hand on his shoulder.

Lifting his head up he allowed the tears to fall from his eyes, "She blames herself...but I knew she was going to get the cake...if I would have just gotten it myself..."

"This is on him Jay...not on you, not on Erin...it is all on him and we are going to make sure he rots in hell and gets exactly what he deserves."

"When they find out what happened...Erin is going to check out as soon as court stuff is finished...I can't lose her..."

"One day at a time Kid...She's tough...we will just have to find a way to get through to her." Hank said not believing a word out of his own mouth.

"You are a bad liar." Jay said as he ran his hand through his own hair.

"It's been a long day." Hank said standing back up. "We should get some sleep."

"Tryin to get rid of me Sarge?" Jay smirked.

"Just tell her Nadia will be home tomorrow afternoon."

"She's asleep."

"She knew who I was talking to did she not?" When Jay looked up at him he gave a sad smile, "Even sleeping she never really lets her guard down, when she asks just tell her Nadia will be back tomorrow."

"Should we get them all into beds?" Jay asked.

"Not worth waking them up Kid."

"You going to stay with us?"

"I'll be in here for a while." Hank answered.

Jay nodded and stood up slowly, "I'm not going to give up on her...ever."

"I know Kid, I know." Hank sighed.

"If you..."

"Thanks Jay."

When Jay walked back into the living room he found only Adam, Erin and Antonio awake. "She will be home tomorrow." Jay said as he wriggled his way back around Adam and under Erin.

"You going to tell me what they found in the autopsy?" Erin asked.

"Linds...you already know what he did. Details...are exactly what we already knew."

"Does she have any family to come to the funeral?" Adam asked.

"No...her Dad said to just let him know where she is buried...he hasn't seen her in years...has plane tickets to come here next month..."

"It was suppose to be an epic reunion, he was going to come after she finished the first part of academy." Antonio said quietly.

"Adam do you want to take her up to my room? The bed is more comfortable than the floor." Erin asked him.

"Don't really feel like being alone right now." He told her, turning around to look at her.

Jay saw the tears in his eyes, "Touch..." Jay mumbled coming to an important realization.

"Huh?" Erin asked confused.

"Nadia...she felt what we felt...she would touch..." Jay whispered.

"Skin to skin..." Antonio smiled with tears in his eyes.

"After he died...she was holding you...she had her hand..."

"On my waistband, her thumb was against my skin..."

"And at your apartment, when she was holding Adam..."

"She had her cheek against my forehead or her hand on my face."

"When you left..." Jay said to Erin, "Every time she would see me staring at your desk she would walk by me and brush her hand against my neck."

"She was able to say in touch what wasn't said out loud." Erin said, she was that way with everyone...she knew what it was like to be alone...to literally have no one. She never wanted anyone to feel how she felt."

"And now that she is gone we won't ever feel that again." Adam whispered as a tear slid down his cheek.

"But we can...it wasn't a super power she had...we can do the same thing." Erin whispered, running her finger down Adam's cheek, tracing the track from the lone tear. She turned to Jay, "You already have done it...with Dad...you put your arm next to his on the plane...that is why he is different with you now...and Tonio..." She reached over and took his phone and held tight to his hand, "Nadia will always be with you...in all of you. You were her family...her big brothers."

Jay noticed that she never once said we...she was never talking about herself...she was trying to build up the team and push everyone together so she could step away. "You were her sister." He whispered to her and felt her stiffin in his lap.

"Did any of you want to sleep in a bed? You can use Justin's room if you do...or Hanks for that matter since he won't be using it."

"I'll sleep in a bed." Kevin said rolling over and yawning.

"Anyone else?" Erin asked a little louder, waking up everyone but Al.

"I think I am going to head out...Mouch will be wondering where I am." Platt said pulling out her phone. "And don't worry I will come back in the morning and pick you guys up."

Adam smiled and reached into his pocket, "Keys Sarge?"

She took them and silently excused herself out the front door. "So...beds...Adam why don't you and Kim take my room. Kev and Roman you can share Justin's. Tonio you good on the couch?"

"You already know my answer." He said rolling his eyes at her.

Jay stood up with Erin and tossed Antonio a blanket, he was surprised when Erin reached for his hand and laced his fingers with hers, "You show them to the rooms Linds...I'm going to check on Hank." Jay whispered to her and she let go.

Antonio watched Jay as he made himself comfortable on the couch. He straightened up the living room and reclined the seat Al was sleeping in and tucked the blanket around him. As Jay was walking out of the room Antonio stopped him, "You need to take care of yourself too...I saw you in there...just...when Erin goes off...you can come to me okay?"

Jay stared at him for a minute, he was right. "Thanks Dawson. Try and get some sleep...tomorrow...well today...its gonna suck." After Antonio nodded Jay quietly let himself into Hanks office. He was staring at a photo though Jay couldn't see what it was of. "Platt went home...everyone else is going up to bed."

"She was seventeen..." Hank said setting the photo on the desk. "Last time Bunny got ahold of her...she overdosed...spent a week in the hospital on suicide watch...said if her own Mom didn't want her she wasn't worth taking up space. That was the last time she saw Teddy too...well last time before..."

"You think it will go there?" Jay asked picking up the photo of him and Erin and smiling at her smile.

"Bunny may be clean but she is bad news for Erin...she will push me away before she does you..."

"She's already trying..."

"She still wants you to be upstairs with her."

"What if I can't help her?"

"You will find a way Halstead, I have never doubted that."

"She scares the shit out of me sometimes." Jay admitted.

"You and me both." Hank said looking up at him for the first time, "She is going to push and push hard...she will go dirty...you are going to have to push past that...I just want you to be ready for what is coming. The more she cares about someone the harder she will push."

"We need to meet them at the airport in our dress blues...give her the ride she deserves." Jay said changing the subject.

"They land at two. Go to bed Halstead."

"Night Sarge." Jay said as he flipped the switch to the overhead light leaving the room dimly lit by the desk lamp.

As Jay made his way down the hall he found Erin in Justin's room with Kevin. "Ruzek and Roman...make sure Burgiss is alright..." Kevin said with his arm around Erin.

Nodding at Kevin he went across the hall into what used to be Erin's room to find Kim crying hysterically with a death grip on Roman, Adam trying to guide them both to the bed. "What happened?" Jay asked as he helped push them down onto the edge of the bed.

"She remembered Nadia saving our asses...taking our car and ramming it..." Roman said trying too move some of Kim's hair out of his mouth.

"Lindsay told her it was her fault and She tried to argue..." Adam told Jay.

"Get her laying down." Jay instructed as he flipped her legs up onto the bed and pulled a blanket over top of her. Roman stayed sitting next to her on the bed rubbing her back as Adam paced back and forth. Jay walked up to him and pulled him into him. "Lay down with her...sleep. We are all exhausted..."

"She's asleep." Roman said standing up slowly and pulling the blanket up over his partners shoulder. "If you need anything I will be across the hall."

"Roman...Thanks." Adam said stepping away from Jay and moving towards the bed.

"She's my partner." He said with a sad smile before turning around and walking across the hall.

"Just yell if you need anything." Jay said walking out behind him and swinging the door shut. "Let's go to bed." Jay said reaching for Erin's hand and pulling her up.

"Boss Man lettin you sleep in his bed with..."

"Shut up and go to sleep." Erin said throwing a pillow at Kevin.

Jay led Erin into the bedroom and together they silently crawled into bed and held each other. "He showed you the photo...told you about when I od'ed..."

"I will never give up on you."

"I don't want to push you away."

"We all deal with stuff in our own ways."

"Will I ever be able to feel happy again?"

"One day Erin. One day." Jay whispered to her as silent tears fell from his eyes as she fell asleep in his arms.


	4. Chapter 4

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

"I will never give up on you."

"I don't want to push you away."

"We all deal with stuff in our own ways."

"Will I ever be able to feel happy again?"

"One day Erin. One day." Jay whispered to her as silent tears fell from his eyes as she fell asleep in his arms.

The next day went off without a hitch, but it was filled with tears. The CPD and CFD made an impressive showing of respect as over fifty vehicles accompanied her casket from the Tarmac at the airport to the funeral home.

The team spent another evening together at Molly's and stayed at Voight's. The funeral was the day after that. No one wore their dress blues for that, they instead wore bright and cheery outfits. They wanted the funeral to be a celebration of a life saved, a life that touched so many people, a life that went from the darkest-loneliest times to happiest.

There were over one hundred people at the funeral, most were her friends from NA and AA. The team knew that she went to meetings and was involved but they did not know she was already leading her own groups! Her family at CPD and her entire class from the Acadamy was there of course. There were also a few girls that she used to work with who showed up. Anyone who had ever taken the time with her loved her.

Those from her CPD family were finally left alone at her gravesite later that evening. She was in a gorgeous area under a flowering tree overlooking a pond. "We are flying back to New York in the morning to go over all of our files and help put together a case for Nadia." Voight announced as he saw the sun creep lower on the horizon.

"How long will you be gone?" Al asked him as everyone made themselves comfortable in the soft green grass.

"Couple days." Jay answered, he knew Hank would be there longer to meet with the lawyers but they did not want Erin to be a part of that.

"Are you going to go back to visit where he buried her?" Kim asked gently.

"No." Jay and Voight answered in unison.

"Yes." Erin said as her eyes filled with tears. "I need to see what she saw..."

"Linds...are you sure that's a good idea?" Jay asked as he pictured Nadia laying in the tarp, face covered in blood...he felt the tears sting the backs of his eyes and couldn't fathom just how difficult this was for Erin considering how rough it was for him.

"I can't get it out of my head...I need to go find..."

"You need to find peace, her peace." Voight finished for her. He knew she would want to, he had only hoped he wouldn't have to go there ever again.

"I guess we are going back there." Jay said with a shaky voice.

Erin scooted closer to him and laid down with her head in his lap, "It is so peaceful here. She loved all of you so much. The night before she...our last night together we stayed up until like three in the morning talking. She was so nervous that she would screw something up and disappoint everyone. After she left her parents...she hit the bottom...she had no one...no one had her back. She had to do some awful things to survive...but she was better than that...better than the rest of us who deserved that lifestyle..."

Antonio noticed as Jay wiped away a tear and knew it was not just for Nadia, but for how Erin spoke of herself and moved and put an arm around his shoulder pulling Jay into him like Jay had done for him during the funeral. The others saw Olivia put her hand on Voight's and saw him lean towards her.

"Growing up knowing you are a nobody you get used to feeling a certain way...but Nadia...she didn't grow up like that. She deserved the escape, she deserved a family looking out for her. She was the closest thing I ever had to a sister...and he killed her...for no reason he just killed her. I have to go to where she took her last breath...to tell her that I loved her."

"Is there anything we can do here?" Kevin asked.

"Roman and Burgiss will be filling in upstairs while we go back and forth. Just don't screw anything up while we are gone." Voight said.

"We are not taking on any new cases so we will be working the cold ones catching up on all paperwork and focusing on counseling and tea guiding." Al said with a grimace.

"You are going to do rotations with all of the newbies from Nadia's academy class. We want everyone cross trained and we need to really weed out the good from the bad...speaking of, I need to get back to work...not everyone was afforded the luxury of the week off." Trudy said standing up.

Kevin left not long after to spend time with his sister, followed by Roman and Burgiss who were working in the morning. Al was keeping a close watch on Adam as he stared at the pile of dirt that was atop Nadia's casket. Erin was zoned out staring up through the trees with her head still on Jay's knee. Jay and Antinio were leaning into each other and staring off into space. Voight sat with his shoulder against Olivia's watching his team.

Olivia knew that this trip would be difficult but to the degree she never could have imagined. She could feel the tension radiating off Hank and knew that he was barely holding it together despite his outside demeanor.

"I think she would like it here." Adam said with a shaky voice after a few minutes of silence causing everyone to look towards him.

"Come here Baby." Erin whispered as she patted her stomach seeing the tears begin to fall from his eyes. Jay looked over at Adam and nodded at him with a sad smile and Adam half walk half crawled over and laid down on his side curling himself into a ball with his head balancing between Jay's leg and Erin's shoulder.

When she saw the compassion Erin and Jay showed to Adam, even calling him Baby without a second thought to anyone else and the trust that was so evident between team members made her question her own team back in New York. Their styles were so different and Olivia would have never pegged Hank Voight from the leader of such a loving team. She could see though a clear division on the team whether it was intentional or not she wasn't sure, the misfits who didn't have traditional families had radiated to form their own mismatched Intelligence family.

Erin and Jay could both feel Adam shaking and she cocooned herself around him as Jay put his hand on Adam's head and cradled his cheek in his hand. Antonio positioned himself on the other side of a Jay, leaning against his arm, his legs outstretched next to Adams. Olivia smiled as they all tried to enclose Adam in their embrace.

"We were her family." Al said as he came over sitting next to Antonio and putting his arm around the younger mans shoulder. When Jay looked over to him he saw the tear tracks that had been silently staining his cheeks and nodded.

"Dad?" Erin called without lifting her head, she knew that as much as he may want to he would never impose himself on the rest of the team.

Jay looked over at Hank who was leaning heavily against Olivia and saw that same look from the hotel in New York. Seeing the man you consider stronger than anyone you have ever met looking lost and scared was difficult. "Sarge?" Jay mouthed when they caught each other's eyes.

Hank stood up, taking Olivia's hand in his and walked over so he was behind Jay, leaning heavily on Jay he gently put his hand on Erin, "I'm right here Kid." He mumbled. He could feel Adam's shaking through his daughter and wondered how she was possibly holding it together.

Jay felt Adam's tears soaking through his pant leg and knew there was nothing he could say to take away his pain, nothing he could do to bring Nadia back to them. He knew this teams biggest struggle was the need to take the pain away from each other and it hurt them all to know that there was nothing any of them could do.

"We should head home soon." Erin said scooting to a sitting position, being sure to keep her hand on Adams arm.

"I'm still not ready to go home alone." Antonio mumbled.

"You can come over and help me go through Nadia's things." Erin said to everyone.

"Before the trial?" Jay asked, surprised at her change.

"We all need a piece of her, and her Dad needs some of her stuff..."

Adam subconsciously held tighter to Jays leg and Jay ran his fingers through Adams short hair. "Everyone ready to go then?" He asked. No one answered but everyone around him slowly stood up. Jay took hold of Adams hand and helped lead him to his feet before wrapping his arm around his shoulder. "You're with me Kid."

"Then you are with us." Hank said directing then to one of the two cars, Al and Antonio following the rest of the team to Erin and Nadia's apartment a few minutes away.

Erin let everyone into the apartment and Jay led Adam to the couch and flipped on the tv. Adam curled up on the couch with his head on Jays lap as Erin flipped on the light in the hallway and slowly opened the door to Nadia's room. Hank followed Erin down the hall as everyone else huddled around the entryway. "Guys you can come sit..." Jay said over his shoulder. Jay knew that the last time that Adam had been in the apartment was the night that Nadia had held him as he cried after losing his friend.

Looking up to see Antonio sit down on the other end of the couch and pulling Adam's legs up onto his lap Jay knew that he knew as well. Al knew about the night but was not there and Olivia was left in the dark. The two of them sat down on the bar stools in the kitchen and stayed quiet.

"Kid are you sure you want to go through her things?" Hank asked Erin as they walked into her bedroom, surprised by how tidy it was.

"She doesn't have much...and I don't really have to go through much...we have talked about the what to do if...if something happened...but it was always if something happened on the job...like with Jules...not like this."

"Who was her second?" Hank asked

"Antonio. They were partners...it just wasn't official yet."

"And you?"

"You already know it is Jay...guess I need another second now..."

"I am sorry Erin." Hank said as he watched Erin pull open the top drawer of the small dresser and pull out a small jewelry box and set it on top. Then she went into the closet and pulled out a small box.

"Dad..what happened...its not on you...and I am done in here." She said grabbing the things from the top of the dresser and shutting off the light.

"The night before...when we stayed up all night together we talked about what we would do if...well...you all know what I am talking about...well I was one of her two..."

"Erin...I...we cant do this yet." Antonio said, his voice cracking and tears forming in his eyes.

"Tonio we need to...we all need a part of her with us...something to remind us of what we are fighting for everyday..." Erin said handing him the small jewelry box and an envelop from the pink box from the closet.

"No. I got this for HER...I can't..." He choked out as tears fell from his eyes.

Al got up from his perch and came over to him and took the small box from his hand, "Saint Michael...fitting...she would have made an excellent partner." He said handing the box back and holding Antonio's shoulder.

Erin reached back into the box and pulled out letters for Adam, Jay, Hank and Al before sitting down on the floor between Jay's legs. "Read them guys...it is kind of the point in me giving them to you." Erin said looking up at Jay.

"Do all of you have a box like this?" Adam asked as he stared at the letter in his hand.

"Sure do. I update mine every once in a while...usually when something like this happens and I remember it...it's not something one wants to think about." Al answered opening his letter.

"I wrote my first ones in boot camp..." Jay mumbled as he rested his hand on Adams chest watching the emotions flash through Al's eyes as he read his letter.

As he folded it and put it back into his pocket he wiped the tears from his eyes, "Read the letters." He instructed the rest of the team. One by one they pulled their letters from the purple and teal leopard print envelopes and started reading.

Adam set his on the coffee table and rolled his head over burying his face into Jay, Erin climbed from the floor onto Jay's lap and rested her head on his shoulder as she ran her fingers through Adam's hair. "Did you already read yours?" Jay asked her receiving only a nod in return.

Erin watched as Antonio struggled to even look at his letter for an hour. She knew the rest of the team had their eyes on him as well. "Come with me Tone." She whispered as she stood from Jay's lap and took the letter and necklace from Antonios shaking hands.

Antonio followed Erin into Nadia's bedroom where she had him sit down on the bed. "I am going to read it to you." Erin told him and she unfolded the letter. When Antonio nodded she started reading, her voice got gravely and she felt the tears come to her eyes when she heard him choke back a sob, she kept reading until she finished before she looked over to him and allowed her heart to break for him.

When his eyes met hers he couldn't contain the sobs that wracked his body, he felt like he had lost her all over again. Jules and Nadia...two partners, two extremely close friends gone...taken from the world too soon. Erin held him as he cried, holding more and more of his weight into her before she laid him down onto the pillow. The tears continuing to fall as he struggled to stay awake. "Relax now...deep breath...there you go..." Erin cooed to him as she ran her thumb along his temple, something that Nadia had told her to do if she ever needed to.

It was only after Erin knew Antontio was asleep that she dared to move away from him to go back into her living room. The sight before her eyes caused her tears to return; Al was propped back in a kitchen chair with his feet up on the counter fast asleep with dried tear tracks down his cheeks, Adam was asleep curled up on the couch against Jay who to anyone who saw him would have thought he was also asleep but Erin saw the gentle movement of his fingertips in Adams hair, Olivia and Hank had made themselves comfortable in the recliner and we're both sound asleep.

"Come to bed with me." Erin whispered to Jay as she walked past him and began covering her family with the stash of throw blankets she had hidden around the room. "I don't know if I can do this Jay." She admitted as she closed the door behind them.

Wrapping her in his arms he whispered, "We will get through this together."

"I want so bad to just go out and get a fix...so bad...I don't want to be able to think...to be able to feel."

"How much space do you want me to give you?" Jay asked her as they sat down on her bed.

"Until the trial is done...do not let me be alone...after that...just don't give up on me." Erin said attempting to hold back sobs.

"When you go to far...then what?"

"There is no such thing as too far...I don't deserve this life Jay..."

"You do...I don't know why you cannot see the same girl that I do Erin...you are amazing and I could never give up on that. I understand you are scared...I am too...the only way we make it through though is by sticking together."

"I don't want to push you away."

"I don't want to have to bring you back when you do but I will."

"I know."

"Sleep now...tomorrow will be a long day." Jay told her as he closed his eyes and wrapped her even tighter in his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

"I don't want to push you away."

"I don't want to have to bring you back when you do but I will."

"I know."

"Sleep now...tomorrow will be a long day." Jay told her as he closed his eyes and wrapped her even tighter in his arms.

When Erin woke up the next morning she found her bed empty, when she rolled over and saw that it was near nine in the morning and her apartment was completely silent she wondered if she was dreaming.

She quickly got up and threw on a hoodie before walking out into her living room. "Morning Kid." Hank said to her as she emerged, he was still reclined in his seat but Olivia was gone, as were Al and Jay. Adam was still asleep on the couch, his arm dangling off the edge. "Jay went to pack, Al and Liv went to get breakfast...they should be back pretty soon."

"Antonio?" Erin asked Hank as she sat down on her couch gently lifting Adam's head onto her lap. He instinctively rolled into her and Erin tightened her hold on him knowing that as he woke up he would need a few minutes to regain his footing.

"Still in her room, haven't heard anything." Hank told her as he watched her hold Adam, the kid was a firecracker, about ready to explode but making sure her family was okay first. Her ability to compartmentalize any situation she was in never ceased to amaze him.

"Are you packed?" Erin asked Hank as she reached for the remote to flip on the tv.

"No, but it won't take long. I was going to go with Liv after we ate and meet you and Halstead at the airport." Erin nodded and tried to focus on the episode of MASH that was on tvland but her mind was on Adam.

She pushed back her sleeve and started to touch him, first on his neck, then face, then she finally reached for his hand and held it tight. "You call us if you need anything okay?" She whispered to him as he started to sit up. When he nodded his head she squeezed his hand before letting go.

"Dawson still asleep?" Adam asked after the next commercial came on.

Erin nodded and stood up, "I can wake him up Kid." Hank told her.

Shaking her head sadly she mumbled,"No...no you can't...waking up in your Partners bed, realizing she is gone...His wife gone...Jules...sorry Hank but no." Erin told him as she walked down the hall.

Antonio was laying on the bed staring at a photograph of himself and Nadia that had been taken at Molly's a few weeks prior. "She wouldn't want us to be struggling this much...I just don't know how I can keep going on-losing everything that is important to me..." He told Erin.

"We are struggling because we love her and miss her...and because losing her reminds us of the other people we have lost."

"We need to do something to honor her."

"Can you guys work with Platt on that? I know she was wanting to do something too."

"What about you?"

"I'm going to New York to put that bastard behind bars."

"That's not what I meant."

"She didn't deserve to die...I...we were both in deep but she didn't deserve it."

"You don't either..."

"Breakfast will be here anytime. I need to pack." Erin cut him off and walked out the door closing her bedroom door behind her and leaving Antonio alone in Nadia's bedroom.

"How are you doing Dawson?" Hank asked him when he walked into the living room.

"The truth? I want to disappear and forget..."

"Don't we all." Adam said with a sad smile. "We need to do something to memorialize her...I mean...I know she wasn't officially an officer yet but she did work for CPD and was killed by one of our suspects...she should get her name on the wall or something."

"That's what I was just telling Lindsay before she flipped.

"You two work with Trudy to get something going for Nadia...and Erin is a tough one, just give her time."

"After Jules she went on a bender...pretty sure time isn't her problem." Antonio mumbled.

"With you on the damn stool next to her I might add." Hank said getting defensive, his voice rising with each word.

Walking in the front door Jay held his hands up, "Woah, what did I miss?"

"Go deal with your partner Halstead." Antonio smirked.

"Watch it Dawson." Hank growled.

"Ruzek? Help a guy out."

"She is upset at Nadia, stormed into her room after talking to Dawson and Voight is...well...being a dad." Adam rambled.

"Dawson here thinks our girl is going to go on a bender again." Hank told him crossing his arms.

"We are all worried about that Hank...none of us know how to handle this." Jay said softly. Seeing the gloss in his bosses eyes Jay dropped his duffle next to Hank and squeezed the mans shoulder. "She will be fine until the trial is over...we just have to do our best to catch her after that."

"I can't lose her Jay." Hank told him as he rapidly blinked his eyes.

"One day at a time." Jay said quietly as he let go of Hank and walked down the hallway, hearing the door open and Al and Olivia walking in with the food and coffee.

"Foods here." Jay said as he let himself into Erin's bedroom finding her standing in front of her dresser wearing only a towel. Getting only a grunt in return he asked, "Pack your favorite jeans and shirts. I already packed you my sweats, tee and hoodie. Maybe one nice outfit...that little black dress maybe?" He added to try and get a normalized reaction.

"Dammit Halstead!" She said hitting him in the chest.

He caught her arms and pulled her into a hug, "One day at a time."

"I don't want to cry today."

"So then get some clothes on and pack your bag and let's get out there and eat so we can get to New York...then we can go find some of the greasiest hot dogs and beer and just have fun."

"We have things we need to do there." Erin said as she pulled on a pair of jeans.

"We aren't going to the station tonight and we need a full day to go to where he...so tonight we relax."

Dropping her towel as she slid on her bra and Blackhawks tshirt she walked over to the dresser and threw things haphazardly into her duffel. "Bossy today are you?"

"That mean you are going to let me drive?" Jay smirked as they walked out of the hallway.

"No chance in hell." Erin said laughing at his pouty face as they walked into the living room.

"No chance for what?" Olivia asked smiling when she saw Hanks reaction to Erin's laughter.

"Him driving." Erin said picking up a bagel and coffee.

"How long did it take her to whip him?" Al asked with a smirk.

"In bed or at work?" Antonio laughed.

"Dammit Dawson." Hank shook his head.

"My guess is five minutes." Adam piped up.

"More like one smile." Al said shaking his head.

"Hey now...I am not whipped!" Jay said trying to be serious.

"Oh come on Jay, you know you make the perfect house husband." Hank said putting his hand on Jays back with a smile.

"You know you like it." Erin said smiling as she took a bite of her bagel making everyone laugh at the two of them. A fabulous sound to hear coming from the unit.


	6. Chapter 6

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

"Hey now...I am not whipped!" Jay said trying to be serious.

"Oh come on Jay, you know you make the perfect house husband." Hank said putting his hand on Jays back with a smile.

"You know you like it." Erin said smiling as she took a bite of her bagel making everyone laugh at the two of them. A fabulous sound to hear coming from the unit.

Hank and Olivia left shortly after with a promise to see Jay and Erin at the airport and to the rest of the unit that they would be kept updated. Antonio and Adam seemed anxious about half the team leaving and Al was his typical very quiet self. When Antonio wandered into Nadia's room Erin followed him, "Here's a key...anytime you want to come over here..."

"Please don't leave us..." Antonio whispered as he pocketed the key.

"You know we have to go to New York." Erin said picking up a photograph of her and Nadia.

"I don't mean that Erin."

"Don't give up on me Dawson..." Erin said fighting the tears in her eyes.

"We are a family...I could never give up on you."

Giving him a quick kiss on the cheek she whispered, "Just remember that in a few weeks."

As she quickly walked out of the room she heard Antonio yell, "Take a picture of her view."

"Jay we need to go." Erin said quickly grabbing her bag and walking to the door.

Jay watched as Adam began to shake and pulled him into a hug, "You call us any time...you hear me? Anytime." Jay whispered to him as he passed him off to Al, seeing Antonio walking out of the bedroom he said it again, "You need anything you call. We will only be a couple hours away."

"Dawson has Nadia's key...you all are welcome to come here whenever." Erin said walking purposefully out the door without looking behind her.

"Jay-" Al spoke up.

"I will do my best...with both of them." Jay promised the man who was being left behind to care for the rest of his team.

"Keep us in the loop."

"We will see you in a few days." Jay said as he grabbed his duffel and ran out the door climbing into the passenger seat of his own car.

They went through checkin and security silently and joined Hank and Olivia at their gate. When it came time for boarding they silently took their seats, Jay and Erin behind the other two. As the plane taxied down the runway Erin reached for Jay's hand and he put his armrest up and she leaned into him falling asleep almost instantly. He had seen her pop a Xanax earlier and he wasn't surprised-he knew she hated flying.

After takeoff he looked between the seats and saw Hank watching Erin and he gave a sad smile. "Nothing is going to happen on the plane." Jay whispered to him before leaning his head on Erin's and closing his own eyes.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder Jay openned his eyes to find Hank sitting in the open seat next to him. "Sarge?" Seeing the emotion in his bosses eyes Jay just nodded and rest his hand on his bosses arm closing his eyes again.

When he opened his eyes again he felt the weight of Erin on one shoulder felt the warmth of Hanks arm under his other hand. He gave a small smile when he squeezed his arm waking him gently. "Told ya nothing would happen on the plane."

"Erin did say you were a smart guy...didn't know she meant smart ass." Hank said with a smirk as he stood up and moved to the forward row next to Olivia for landing. Jay saw as Olivia squeezed his hand when he sat back down.

Erin didn't stir until Jay moved after the plane landed, with glassy eyes she looked up to her partner. "I've got you." He promised her. Hank grabbed her bag along with his own as they exited the plane. Jay threw his pack over his shoulder and led Erin out behind Hank and Olivia.

By the time they pulled up to their hotel Erin was fully awake and now starving, "You guys want to go with us to get Coney dogs, pizza and a drink? Im starving!" She asked.

"I'm in." Hank said as he looked questioningly at Olivia.

"I need to pick up Noah and go meet with Nick to make sure everything is set for tomorrow." She said while everyone else got out of the car. "I will see you guys in the morning."

After they said goodbye to Olivia the three dropped their bags in their suite and headed off to find the most New York style food. They took their time wandering as they ate their dogs from a street vendor before finding a calzone shop. The group went beer for beer with each other until the sun set.

The streets of Manhattan were the same as Chicago, different accents and architecture but the same city feel of home. By the time they returned to the hotel their joking and laughter had turned to silence and reflection. In the morning they would be staring at gruesome photos and reading horrific autopsy reports describing the horrendous things that were done to Nadia.

They fell into pattern as they got ready for bed, like a well orchestrated dance. When Jay was taking his turn in the bathroom Hank wrapped Erin in his arms and held her. "Kid...this week when you need a break take it...with one of us...do not let him get into your head."

"Says the man who had to switch seats on the plane before he could fall asleep."

"Dammit Erin...do you want me to be your Dad, friend or your Boss? I am struggling with this too." Hank sighed.

"I just want you to be you...just be normal...I just...I don't want to disappoint you again."

"Erin as long as there is still an ounce of fight left in you I will never be disappointed." Hank whispered as he pulled her closer to him. "And even when there is no fight left I will always love you and will never give up on you." Blinking his eyes he looked up to see Jay leaning against the wall watching them.

Erin pulled herself away and quickly rushed into the bathroom and turning on the shower. Both men knew she wasn't showering, but was covering the sound of her crying with the water. "Give her some time...she isn't running." Jay told Hank as he sat down on one of the beds and flipping on the tv.

The two of them settled in watching a rerun of MASH as the shower continued to run. When the episode ended and another began Jay got up and let himself into the bathroom where he found Erin sitting with her knees to her chest leaning against the bathtub.

He wordlessly pulled her into his lap and she wrapped her arms around him. He reached around and turned off the water and carried her out of the bathroom. Jay flawlessly carried her into the room and crawled under the blankets with her still attached to him. "Just keep breathing." He whispered to her as he held her close.

Halstead felt Hanks eyes on him as he held Erin and knew that it was taking all his strength not to come over and hold her himself like he had when she was a child. As Erin relaxed so did her two guardians until all three fell asleep.

Jay woke up a couple hours later when he heard Hank thrashing around and moaning for Erin. He gently unwound himself from her sleeping form and got out of bed and sitting down on the edge of the other. He set his hand on Hanks shoulder and squeezed. As Hanks eyes sprung open Jay braced himself for an attack-only to receive a defeated look from his Boss. "She is sleeping in the bed a few feet from you. You need to forget the worst case and just be in the now." Jay told him, speaking barely above a whisper.

"She is my daughter." Hank illogically tried to reason.

"She always will be."

"I can't lose her."

"So trust her."

"I can't lose her."

"We won't...but she needs her space to find her strength on her own. She found it before or she wouldn't be here now."

"Promise me you are in this for the long haul."

"If I wasn't do you think in a million years that I would be sitting in a bed with you right now?"

"Seeing the files this week...it isn't going to be easy for you either."

"Dammit Voight, when will you trust me? I have been through hell and back and am not going to ever give up on the One Day that I dream about." Jay said knowing full well that even though Erin appeared to be sleeping she was listening intently to the two men who meant more to her than life itself.

When Hank rolled onto his back and put his arm over his eyes Jay knew the conversation was over. "We are a family...we will stick together and we will find a way through. You aren't alone in this either." He told him and he pulled the comforter up and allowed his hand to linger over Hanks heart for a minute before moving back to his bed with Erin. He knew he was pushing Voight way more than he would ever consider if they would have been in Chicago, but he also knew that was what Erin needed.

As soon as Erin rolled over and laid her head on his chest he felt his tears begin to fall. Erin reached her hand up and gently stroked his cheek wiping a few of the tears as they fell. When they heard the soft snore from the bed next to theirs Erin rolled onto her back and pulled Jay onto her. She knew a big part of his tears were because of her, but she also knew he blamed himself for Nadia's death And he had put his grieving on hold to be there for her.

Partners, each equal but willing to take the lead when the other needs to fall. Over the years they have had their fair share of shit to deal with but through it all they always found their way back to each other. Erin knew that soon enough he would be helping her to find her way back. The faith she had in knowing he would be able to bring her back after she jumped off the proverbial cliff was unimaginable.

When the phone rang delivering their wake up call Erin was the first to get up and hop in the shower leaving her guys in the room alone. "Thanks Jay." Hank said softly as he sat up and walked to the window.

"Meant what I said Boss." Jay told him.

"Who is there for you?" Hank asked.

"Erin."

"When she can't be?"

"I'll be fine."

"I will be there Kid." Hank told him as Erin shut off the water.

"Got it Sarge." Jay said quickly whilst jumping up when Erins phone started ringing. "What's up Buddy?" He said into the phone. "Woah woah calm down...whats? Hey, breathe..." Erin rushed out of the bathroom with her hair in a towel upon hearing her Partner. "No...we were up, it's okay...I need you to take a deep breath..."

Erin sat down on the bed next to him and put her arm around his back and leaned into his shoulder. "You are okay Buddy I swear to you...no, I am glad you called...glad you both stayed at her place last night." She heard Jay say calmly into his cell.

Hank went in and took a quick shower only to find the sitting the same way, Jay still on the phone trying to calm one of the younger guys on the team. "You feeling better?" Jay asked, "Is he there with you now?" When Jay nodded Erin kissed his shoulder. "I'm gonna pass the phone to Linds now and get my ass in the shower so we aren't late. I will call you guys this afternoon. Here she is." Jay said as he handed the phone to Erin.

"Hey Baby, you having a rough morning?" Erin asked into the phone as her arm dropped away from Jay as he stood up. "Take your time today, I know things will remind you of them...it is part of the territory." Erin listened as he spoke, still very much shaken but she could hear the others who were now with him at her apartment. "Adam can I talk to one of them?" She smiled as she said, "I love you too Buddy. We will get through this."

Hank sat down across from her and smiled as he watched his daughter taking care of her family, he only hoped it was that family that would keep her from running. "Al you do not take your eyes off either one of them today...no not even for them to go to the bathroom...No, I am most certainly not overreacting." Erin stood up and started pacing the length of the room and Hank almost wondered if she was going to bolt out of the hotel room to fly back to Chicago to make sure they were okay. "Fine. Text me every fifteen minutes." She said before hanging up the phone.

"Fifteen Erin?" Hank said with an exaggerated eye roll.

"Yes fifteen...Antonio and Adam...they are having a very hard time with this...this is his second partner who was murdered...and Adam...kid has barely been working a year and has already lost two friends...he doesn't know how to deal...he was sheltered, clueless to what really goes on in this city."

"Al is babysitting desk duty while we are gone...until I say otherwise. Until I know all of you can handle being in the field again no one is going out...I can't lose anymore either Kid." Hank told her as he stuffed his foot into his boot.

"What is today going to entail?" Erin asked him as she anxiously sat back down.

"You've been on the other side of the table a thousand times."

"She was my best friend."

"I told you before, you need a break you take Halstead and go." Hank instructed watching Jays face as he made his way back to Erin.

"Amaro is here to get us. Just got a text." He said waving his phone before picking up his jacket.

The ride into the station was quiet. Hank and Nick quietly discussing the case as Erin and Jay were nervously playing with their phones. They were led to a conference room on an upper floor and met by Olivia. They had the timeline of Nadia's abduction and murder set up on a couple white boards and several Manila folders arranged on the table.

Without waiting for anyone to settle they went right into it, verifying all of the information from Chicago matched what they had in Manhattan. Erin and Jay were able to provide slightly more detail about what happened prior to the abduction but basically everything was ready to go.

When Olivia was ready to go over the photos and file of where they found her Hank and Jay heard the change in breathing from Erin. "When you are ready go ahead and open it. We were all there, but if there is anything of significance you want to add you can. The more personal we can make the case the easier it will be to get justice for Nadia."

As soon as Erin flipped open the file the feeling of the room became cold. Staring at photographs of your coworker, your friend-your family, laying naked in a tarp in muddy sand was just wrong. Her gray glassy eyes staring back at them, her eyes that matched the color of the gray sky up above. The bruises covering her body, blood dried in places it should never be. It was too much. She jumped up and barely made it to the garbage can before emptying the contents of her stomach.

Jay was at her side in an instant, pulling her hair back from her face while simultaneously reaching into her pocket and pulling out a hair tie and then putting it in one of the sloppy buns she has at the gym. When he turned around to face Nick, Olivia...and Hank he was getting three identical eyebrow raises questioning what he had just done. He just gave a sad smile before turning back to Erin and whispering, "Five minute walk? I could use a break."

Nodding her head she allowed Jay to lead her out of the conference room and out of the building. "How am I suppose to testify for her in court if I can't even handle looking at the file...they are going to make everything seem worse than it is to help the case but it is already so bad..."

"You aren't a robot...if you cry on the stand it is okay...if you puke you puke...they don't want us to be robots anyway...you and Nadia were closer than close so don't worry about what other people think and just be you...good or bad." Jay tried to tell her.

"If only you knew how bad the bad actually gets..."

"I am not your dad, or your boss, I have no authority over you...I am your friend. If you need to jump off your cliff I will be at the bottom waiting to lift you back up."

"I am just going to disappoint you and drag you down with me...I can't be the person he wants me to be...that isn't my lot in life."

"We make our own destiny. Just because you had a sucky childhood it does not make you not worth it...you pulled yourself out before...you have a family who will help you again."

"He is going to hate me."

"You don't have to do what you are thinking about doing...no one makes your choices for you...and no matter how pissed he may get Erin he could never hate you and you know it."

"I am just a screw up." Erin said as her tears began to fall.

Wrapping his arms around her he held her as close to him as he could and prayed. There was nothing that he could say to get through to her, nothing he could do to change her mind. "I will always be here for you." He promised her again as he held her.

She was brought out of her own mind by her phone ringing, she pulled it from her pocket and shoved it in Jays hand as she quickly wiped her face and took a few deep breaths to compose herself. "What's up?" Jay said into the phone, watching Erin closely. "It's rough here...didn't think it would be as hard as it is to be on the other side of the table."

Jay listened as Antonio gave him the Chicago update-paperwork sucked and staring at empty desks was hard. When he teasingly asked him if he always answered Erin's phone he smiled, "I would answer my own but no one ever calls it."

When he looked at Erin his smile grew, "It is always the cute one who gets the most calls." She said as she grabbed the phone.

"It's easier for guys to go to a chick than another guy..." Jay mumbled.

"That too." Erin said before launching into a conversation with Antonio. Apparently Adam was quieter than anyone had ever seen him, Al was hiding out in Hanks office and Trudy kept walking up the stairs before turning around and running back down. Oh and desk work sucked.

After she hung up her phone she took Jays hand in hers and they went back upstairs. Erin had shut off all emotion and Jay cringed at the change. As they went over the autopsy findings it was him fighting back tears, him that Hank had chosen to stand behind with his hands gripping tight on his shoulders.

They had pushed through everything they needed to and the three of them made their way out of the precinct a little after midnight to cab their way back to the hotel. Erin fell asleep leaning against Jay in the car and instead of waking her chose to carry her to their room where he took off her shoes and laid her in the bed before he laid down next to her.

"When did she take the pill?" Hank asked as they listened to her soft snoring.

"When we were walking out." Jay said heavily.

"Come with me." Hank said sitting back up. When he saw Jay look questioningly towards Erin Hank mumbled, "Leave a note of you want but you and I both know she will be out all night."

Nodding Jay stood up and followed Hank out of the room and up the stairs to the roof where he sat down on the ledge and took a swig from a small bottle of whiskey before handing it to Jay. "Benson?"

"She knows how we work."

"You know she is going to need to hit bottom before she can get back."

"I don't know how I can watch her do that."

"You are going to have to let her go to Bunnie...jump off her cliff and do whatever the hell she needs to before she cracks and then we bring her back."

"Like hell I am going to sit on my ass and watch her kill herself."

"If you can find a way to keep that from one happening by all means...I know I will be there to catch her after she falls no matter how much it kills me to see her pull away."

"And when she goes off and sluts around?"

"I am in it for the long haul Voight...we both deserve to be happy."

"You see yourself as her husband already."

"No. But I can't see my life without her." Jay answered. "Hank...when you lost Camille...I know Erin is your family...the two of you and Justin. I know you would do anything for them...but Erin needs to see that she is better than she imagines and she can't do that if you don't allow her to live and make her own mistakes."

"What do you know about losing your family...or what is best for Erin?" Hank growled.

"You know damn well what I know...you have read my file...you know exactly what... I don't get you sometimes...what the fuck more can I do to prove to you I am good enough for her? You know I would give my life for her without a second thought." Jay screamed at him while jumping up.

Hank beat him to standing and pushed him back down to sit. "I need to know you won't give up because I am not strong enough." He admitted as tears flowed freely from his eyes.

Jay, ready to scream some more instantly calmed down. "I am going to give her space but I refuse to live without her. She is going to jump..." He said looking over the edge of the roof, "But she knows I will catch her when she is ready."

"How do the two of you have so much faith in each other?" Hank asked looking down to him.

"We are partners...from the day you put us together...she said I was too much like Camille and she is too much like you so that works...I'm not quite sure what that means since I never got to meet her but..."

"I miss her so damn much." He said sitting down next to Jay, tear tracks still wet on his cheeks. "She would know how to handle all of this..." He said barely above a whisper, his voice cracking with emotion.

"Sarge...can you trust me with getting us through this...it's going to be a rough road but I swear to you I won't ever give up on her." Jay said staring directly into Hank's bloodshot, tear stained eyes.

When he was granted a small nod Jay put his arm around his Bosses shoulder and pulled him into him. "Thank you." He whispered as Hank turned towards him and held on as he cried. Jay knew that he did not break down often, and certainly not around other people when he did. When Jay thought about what Hank was dealing with, what he had gone through in the last few years...to keep everything to himself so he didn't have a to burden anyone else. To admit to Jay of all people that he wasn't strong enough for something...strong enough for the woman he still saw as the young fifteen year old girl he took in as his daughter, damn.

Letting his Sargent lean into him, seek comfort from him, he was being allowed a glimpse at the man Erin considered as Dad, Hank Voight the human. "We should sleep." Jay said without letting up on his hold. "We are going out to the park after lunch."

"Then you will take her home." Hank said nodding and stepping out of Jays arm, reaching back for Jays hand and pulling him up.

"Then I will take her home. You going to stay here?" Jay asked him as they walked back down to their room.

"I have another visit to make. Olivia and I are going to peruse some other old cases and try and get this prick as many life sentences as we can...then I was going to take a trip out to spend some time with Justin."

"You mean hide out til shit blows over?"

"I'm sure you and Al can handle it."

"You will stay in contact?"

"Halstead I am trusting you with my daughter...and with my team."

"But what about you?" He asked as they walked back through the door.

"Shut up and sleep Jay." Hank said as he dropped onto his bed and kicking off his boots.

"We will get through this." Jay said as he kicked off his shoes and laid down next to his still sleeping partner. Feeling her reach for his hand they laced their fingers together and he repeated, "We will get through this."


	7. Chapter 7

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

"Halstead I am trusting you with my daughter...and with my team."

"But what about you?" He asked as they walked back through the door.

"Shut up and sleep Jay." Hank said as he dropped onto his bed and kicking off his boots.

"We will get through this." Jay said as he kicked off his shoes and laid down next to his still sleeping partner. Feeling her reach for his hand they laced their fingers together and he repeated, "We will get through this."

Erin woke up feeling her phone buzz in her pocket and she quickly answered it as she jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Adam was again having a panic attack and Erin wanted nothing more than to go home and hold him. Antonio and him had stayed at her apartment again. He did say that the two of them watched a game and we're doing a little better, but his anxiety was because he was scared to lose anyone else in his CPD family. With the promise that she would be home soon he calmed down quickly.

She jumped in the shower, washed and dried her hair before walking out in a towel to grab her clothes. Hank was laying on the bed, his feet dangling over the edge and arms outstretched, snoring softly with his mouth slightly open. Erin hadn't seen him so relaxed in years and smiled, until she saw the dried tear tracks down his face.

Erin quickly threw on her jeans and a tee and sat down next to Jay and ran her fingers through his hair waking him up gently. "He take you up to the roof?" She asked with a sad smile. When she got a nod, "Thank you for being there for him."

"Let's get down to PD and finish this on our end, then we can go to the park and then fly home. I'm surprised we haven't gotten a call yet this morning."

"It's only six Halstead."

"I want to go home Lindsay." He said emphasizing her last name.

"Hank isn't flying home with us is he?"

"Said he's going to visit Justin."

"And work on the case with Liv."

"That a problem?"

"I worry about him Jay."

"I will be ready to go in ten. Leave the old man a note."

"Shouldn't we wake him?"

"He has hardly slept since Nadia was..."

"Did you drug him?"

"Seriously? I don't have a death wish." Jay said with a smirk before he went into the bathroom for a quick shower.

Five minutes later he was dressed and looking as sexy as ever. Erin stood up and set a letter on Hanks chest under his hand, for her to be able to do that she knew he really was out...and wondered if he didn't have some help to get to sleep.

The partners walked down the street to a Starbucks before heading towards the PD. When they were a block away they both pulled out their phones as they started buzzing at the same time. Looking at each other they both answered, "Good morning." With a secret smile shared between them.

Adam had called Jay, wanting to check in on them and Nadia's father called her. Both conversations were brief. Adam was still hyped up but seemed to be calmer in knowing they would be home that night, and Nadia's father just wanted to make sure he would get details and did not think he could make it to New York for the trial.

With his arm loosely hung over her shoulder the two of them walked into the building and up to the conference room that had been reserved for the case. "I keep feeling like we are missing something." Erin said as she flipped through the photos.

"We are missing Nadia...it is always going to feel like we are missing something because we are missing her." Jay said to her as he stacked the photos and looked at them in mor detail. "I do not want Adam or Antonio to see these." He said holding up the few of her laying in the tarp.

"We need to get good photos of the..." Erin started.

"You two are here early." Nick said walking in followed closely by Olivia.

"Where's Voight?" She asked.

"Sleeping." Erin answered staring at a photograph in her hand.

Olivia gave an unbelieving look and Jay shrugged his shoulders, "had a late night on the roof."

An hour later Hank walked in the conference room with two cups of coffee, handing one to Jay he sat down at the end of the table with his. "You two find anything we missed or are you ready to head out to the coast?"

Jay looked between Hank and Erin before standing up, "we are done. I am sure there will be a few conference calls between now and the trial. You ready?" Jay asked Erin as he put a protective arm around her shoulder.

"Just the three of us?" Erin asked.

"Liv was going to take us out there...it is still a crime scene." Hank answered. Erin gave Jay a look before grasping his hand and leading him out the door.

Ten minutes down the road Erin felt Jay's head lean heavily onto her shoulder and she turned to allow him to rest on her more comfortably. She teased her fingers on the back of his neck and he relaxed into her, feeling his warm even breath on her neck she tipped her head so her lips were resting in a soft kiss on his temple.

She felt Hanks eyes on her but chose to ignore them, "Don't hurt him Erin. He deserves to be happy." She heard him say from the front seat. She didn't respond to him but held on tighter to Jay. She knew what she was going to do would kill him, but she also knew that the only way out was to climb up from the bottom. As much as she wished Hank would understand that she knew that Jay understood perfectly. He would keep his promise to her and if they both survived they would get their one day.

As they pulled into the park Erin's breath caught in her throat waking Jay instantly, Hank was amazed at how in sync the two were. Jay didn't sit up, or even open his eyes; he wrapped his arms around her waist and held himself tighter to her.

Olivia parked the car and got out, Erin saw her brush her hand in Hanks in the process. He slowly undid his seatbelt and opened the door following Olivia around to the otherside.

"You ready Baby?" Jay whispered before pulling away from her and sitting up.

"Are you?" Erin echoed.

"Am I ready to have a breakdown...yeah...I think I am."

"Together?"

"Wouldn't have it any other way." Jay said as he wiped a tear that had already made its way from her eye.

As they climbed out of the car and Erin gripped Jays hand in hers, "You promised."

"Always Lindsay...no matter what." He told her as they walked around the car.

Erin grabbed Hanks hand as they walked past and they silently walked through the woods to where they had found her. When they reached the spot she let go of their hands and turned herself around, laying down in the sand in the exact same spot and staring up to the sky.

Jay watched her for a moment before laying down in the sand next to her and pulling out his phone. He aimed the camera directly upwards and snapped a photograph. The trees making a perfect circle opening up to a bright blue sky with a single heart shaped cloud.

"There will be brighter days." Erin whispered.

"And darker, and that is okay too." Jay said, turning his head to face his partner.

"Did you find what you needed?" Hank asked, "It is quite disturbing to see my kid laying in a shallow grave." He graveled.

"Look at the clouds." Jay told him, feeling the pain in his bosses voice. Hearing a slight grunt he knew the cloud was seen, message received. Jay took a short video of the view up and sent it to their CPD family before standing up. Once he was up he looked around, all the police tape everywhere, all the shallow graves that had been dug up, the scene was surreal. Morbid. Cruel.

"Go lay down next to Erin." Jay nudged. Hank gave him a skeptical look but did what was suggested. Staring up at the sky it was as if he was in an entirely different place. You couldn't see the crime scene, just the sky, the tops of the trees. The peace. Erin needed to find Nadia's peace. He felt the tears come to his eyes, it could very well have been Erin's grave he was laying in rather than Nadia's. He knew that another piece of her innocence was stollen along with her best friends life that day, a reminder of just how cruel life could be and now he was laying with her in the grave. It should have been his grave.

Hank wanted nothing more than to protect his family and once again he had failed. When he choked on his breath and allowed a sob to escape Jay was back at his side in a heartbeat and Erin had curled herself against him. Olivia had taken a few steps closer but remained at a safe distance. Jay knew that she wanted to be the one supporting him, but they knew she would have the chance later that night after Jay took Erin home. This was time for his family.

Hank sat up and put his face in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He deserved to have the shallow grave, not Nadia, not all the other women who had been laid to rest in this forest, it should have been him. Then there would be no tears, no despair, no innocence lost.

Erin wrapped her arms around Hanks and leaned her head onto his shoulder while Jay put his hand firmly on the mans shoulder. "Not on you Sarge." Jay said barely above a whisper. It was enough to draw his eyes up from his hands and to stare straight into Jay's.

The kid had been a pain in the ass since day one, since Antonio demanded he be in the unit. He was always pushing his limits, making Hank question his motives, his ways of doing things. Erin was right when she had said Jay was her Camille...he just didn't understand it yet. "Not on you." Jay said again as the two stared at each other. Erin watched as neither flinched and neither blinked until Hank nodded and dropped his head and Jay pulled him into his shoulder.

Jay held him, not in a codling sort of embrace, but the kind of hold where someone's life was on the line and they were brought back from the brink. Hank had his eyes squeezed shut and he had gripped Jays hooded jacket so tight his knuckles were ghost white. When Erin caught Jays eyes she saw sadness and grief that he did not often share and it made her wonder just what they had discussed on that roof.

Erin gave Jay a sad smile and looked one more time at the sky before she stood up and walked with Liv's arm around her shoulder back to the car. "Promise me you will take care of him when we leave." Jay heard Erin say before the breeze erased their voices.

When Jay felt Hank loosen his grip on his back he gave him a brief hug, the kind Hank didn't often give, and rarely received before standing up and reaching out his hand to help pull him up. Hank looked like he had aged a decade in the last couple weeks and it was difficult for a jay to hide the concern in his eyes.

"I told you not to worry about me Kid." Hank grumbled to Jay as they started the walk back to the car. When Jay turned to look at him Hank mumbled, "Thank you." Receiving only a slight nod from Jay the older man put his hand onto his shoulder and led him back to the car.

"They will. Guaranteed." They heard Erin say as they approached.

"Maybe one, not both." Liv responded.

"Loser buys dinner?"

"Sounds good."

"What sounds good?" Jay asked as Erin climbed into the front seat next to Olivia.

"Dinner. I could use a good steak." Erin said with a glint in her eye when Hank grunted at her before climbing into the backseat.

Jay climbed in behind Erin and rested his hand on her shoulder, "Steak here as good as Chicago?"

"Maybe better." She answered as she quickly kissed his hand.

"Y'all ready to get out of here?" Olivia asked whilst starting the car.

Jay leaned back in the seat and stared out the window. He felt the tears stinging he back of his eyes as he flashed back to the last time the four of them had left the park together. Erin squeezed his hand and laced her fingers within his and he felt Hank's leg relax against his as Hank leaned onto the center armrest.

As the forest turned back to the Atlantic Jay closed his eyes and rest his head against the cool glass window. He opened his eyes as they were pulling into the parking garage for the hotel. Looking to his left he saw Hank relaxed back with his mouth slightly open and snoring softly. "Told you both would." Erin said with a giggle as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

"Steak it is Lindsay." Olivia smiled as she reached back and squeezed Hanks leg causing him to nearly jump out of his skin.

"Let's get our shit packed up so we can go eat and go home." Erin smirked as everyone got out of the car.

Jay and Erin got changed and packed up in under ten minutes and stood tapping their feet waiting for Hank to get changed to go to dinner. They were both nervous leaving him there, but after seeing the change in him they were slightly less nervous. Besides, it was only going to be a few days. Hank didn't know how to stay away from work for too long.

There dinner was nice and relaxed, and full of much needed smiles and laughter. When it came time to leave for the airport the anxiety grew. Hank refused to just drop them at the door and insisted on walking them in. Right before the security gate Erin turned to Hank and wrapped her arms around his shoulders and burying her face in his neck. "I love you Old Man." Jay heard her whisper and saw the tears spill from his eyes as he held her into him.

"You are the best thing to ever happen to me." Hank told her before letting go of her and pulling Jay into him, "You take care of My Girl Halstead." He said gruffly, before whispering another thank you.

"Sarge. Don't forget to check in." Jay instructed, the shift in their relationship overly apparent.

"The second you land Halstead."

"Take care of my Old Man Liv." Erin said as she gave her a quick hug.

"Stop worrying about me." Hank grunted.

"See you soon." Jay smirked at him recognizing the dance and throwing his arm protectively around his Partner and giving her a kiss in the cheek.

"Don't push me Halstead." They heard Hank say as they passed through the security gates hand in hand.


	8. Chapter 8

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

"Stop worrying about me." Hank grunted.

"See you soon." Jay smirked at him recognizing the dance and throwing his arm protectively around his Partner and giving her a kiss in the cheek.

"Don't push me Halstead." They heard Hank say as they passed through the security gates hand in hand.

Erin did not turn around, no second glance, she knew she would just run back into the arms of the man who had saved her and not be able to get on the plane and go home. Jay however had to make sure that Olivia would in fact take care of his Sargent. The sight he saw when he turned around was one of Hank kicking a plastic chair and Olivia wrapping her arms around his back leading him out. "We will get through this." Jay whispered, more to reassure himself than Erin.

"Adam never called after you sent the video." Erin said as they sat down on the plane.

"I never sent the video, thought we should watch it with them."

"You that worried about them?"

"No, but I think they could use he extra hugs or some thing when they do see it."

"Laying there was quite peaceful, do you think that peace is what she saw?"

"Nadia saw the beauty in everything."

"That is what I want to remember but all I keep thinking about is that stupid scarf she shoved into the backseat."

"She made sure we would get him...her last act in this world was to keep who knows how many women safe by ensuring that he would never see he light of day again."

"My cake,my car, the scarf I gave her...she shouldn't have been the one abducted."

"Can't change the past."

"We should have saved her Jay." She said leaning into his shoulder.

"Do you need one of your pills?"

"No...Just you right now." Erin whispered. Jay wrapped his arm around her and she snuggled deeper into him as the plane rose into the clouds. Neither slept on their flight home, they watched the clouds.

As soon as the plane touched down Jay flipped on his phone and sent Hank a picture of the Chicago airport. Not five seconds later the message said it had been read but he never received a reply...he didn't expect one.

"They are in Chicago." Hank mumbled as he flipped the file folder closed and set it back on the conference table.

"You want me to take you back to the hotel? I need to be getting home...you are more than welcome to go there too." Olivia told him.

"I'm good." He said looking across the table. "I will see you back here in the morning."

He left shortly after Olivia walking slowly from the PD to the hotel, he felt more lost and alone than he had in years. He sat down on the bed and kicked off his boots and pulled out his phone. Just as he was about to call Erin his phone rang.

She had beat him to it, "Hi Dad." She said as her face showed up on the screen. He fought back a smile and allowed a small grunt in response. "We wanted everyone together when we showed the video." Erin said as she flipped her screen around to show their entire team, plus Platt, Roman and Burgess sitting around in the living room.

"I was there Erin, this isn't necessary." Hank said, thankful that she thought to call.

He heard a rustle and Jay took the phone, allowing it to flash to his face so Hank would know the phone had changed hands-subtle Halstead. "Play the video already." Jay told his partner.

Hank watched as Erin instructed everyone to lay down in the floor with their heads together before she held up the phone to play the video. Hank closed his eyes as he heard the choked sobs coming from multiple members of his team, the team he failed to protect. After the two minute video finished Jay sat up and took the phone, and Hank into Erin's bedroom. "She is doing okay." Jay told him. "You alone tonight?" Jay asked disappointed.

"I told you not to worry about me Halstead."

"Hard not to Sarge."

"Take care of them."

"Talk to you in the morning."

"Night Kid." Hank said and he shut off his phone.

When Jay walked back into the living room his team had split apart and withdrawn into themselves. Adam had curled up on the couch, Antonio paced in the kitchen, Burgiss was sitting by Adam trying to get him to talk to her, Roman sat next to Atwater and both looked lost. Trudy was shrugging on her jacket and Erin was still laying on the flood in the center of the room. Only Erin and Al remained laying on the floor.

Everything was so screwed up, no one felt comfortable in their own skin anymore and everyone was on eggshells. Jay walked slowly around the room and put his hand on each of their shoulders, squeezing gently. "We are together in this. The paperwork side of this may be done but we still have to go to trial and grieve. We can't do that alone."

"I need to get back to PD...someone has to pick up the slack while Hank is on vacation." Trudy mumbled as she walked towards the door.

"See ya in the morning Sarge." Atwater said with a nod.

"Did you want to head out Adam? Roman and I have the early shift." Kim asked, receiving no response.

Jay sat down on the couch next to Adams head and put his hand on his shoulder, his thumb resting on his neck. When Jay saw the panic and despair in Adam's eyes he moved his leg towards his head and when he lifted it Jay scooted so Adams head rest on his thigh.

"Adam? Are you okay?" Kim asked softly, frustrated and a twinge guilty that Jay seemed to be able to help her boyfriend more than her.

Wondering how much Kim knew about his grief struggle Jay whispered, "You staying here again Buddy?" When Adam gave a minuscule nod Jay looked at Kim, "Grief is a tricky thing..."

Looking at Jay, Kim ran her fingers through Adam's hair, "I will be at home if you need anything."

Roman stood up with Kim and looked at Kevin, "Headed home too?"

"Yeah, my sis is prolly waiting for me." He answered.

"Breakfast in intelligence at eight." Erin said without looking over.

When the three left Erin stood up and went over to Antonio and put her arm around him. "Lets go." She told him as she led him down the hall.

"Old man holding up?" Al asked Jay without moving from his spot on the floor.

"You've known him longer than me."

"He take you up to the roof?"

"Yeah."

"About Camille?" Jay nodded. "More than I have gotten."

"He's at the hotel now."

"You expected different?"

"Hoped."

"There anything new with the case?"

"Ready for trial. They are doing more with some of the others but that is strictly on them."

"And Hank?"

"Said he was going to see Justin." When Al grunted in response JAy laughed, "Two of you are so talkative."

"You're a good Kid Halstead, still have a lot to learn but you are a good kid." Al said as he sat up. "You with us Ruzek?" Al asked.

"Guess so." Adam said sitting up next to Jay.

"You good here then?" Al asked standing up and letting himself out.

"Jay?" Adam questioned, "Why is this fucking me up so bad?"

"You are like twelve...let me just tell ya...it doesn't get any easier."

"How do you keep from losing it then?"

"I don't."

"Voight?"

"It is hard for all of us."

"Camille is his wife right?"

"Yeah...why?"

"Why'd Al ask about her?"

"Because of Erin."

"Why do I feel like everyone is talking in riddles?"

"Dont worry about it."

"Kim doesn't like that I haven't been staying at her place."

"She know you've been staying here with Dawson?"

"Not sure."

"You tell her about the panic attacks?"

"No."

"You should."

"She doesnt get emotional at this stuff."

"She cares. She's tough, but she cares."

"It doesn't mess her up though Man...I am a complete...mess or whatever and she can just keep on working like it is no big deal."

"This is the last night you stay here till you talk to her. Now where did you two lose the dang remote?"

"It's next to the TV." Adam said relaxing into the couch.

"Who leaves the remote next to the TV...defeats the whole purpose of even having the remote if you have to get up to walk to the thing."

"Your legs aren't broken."

"Shut up Ruzek." Jay said sitting back down, his shoulder leaning against Adams.

"Think Lindsay and Dawson are okay in there?"

"No...they miss her..." Jay said flipping the channels until he found a rerun of MASH.

"What's your deal with this show?"

"BJ reminds me of an old friend...and I grew up watching it. It's funny." Jay said as he leaned his head back on the couch with a sigh.

"Tired?" Adam asked as he watched the show.

"Mmm..." Jay mumbled with glassy eyes as he leaned against his friend.

Adam leaned his head onto Jays shoulder and felt the weight of his head almost immediately. "Get some sleep Halstead." He mumbled. It was oddly comforting to feel his weight on my shoulder, it was safe. He was safe. He was safe with me. Trust didn't seem to come easy in the CPD as he had struggled to learn.

He trusted too easily, wore his heart on his sleeve, opened himself up too quickly. Adam got posting the episode and the next thing he knew Erin walked into the living room with tear stains on her face. Adam went to say something and Erin held her finger up to her mouth to shh him.

"Tonio's asleep." She whispered sitting down on the couch with her legs over Jay, feet on Adam. She ran her fingers along the back of his neck and he melted into her allowing Adam to pick up his head. Erin softly kissed his temple and his head slid back on her arm making him snore softly. "He's exhausted." Erin mused.

"Aren't we all?" Adam asked, not knowing if she was talking about Antonio or Jay.

"How are you doing Baby?" She asked, pulling out the pet name again, something he knew she would never let slip at work.

Shrugging his shoulders, "Better with you home." He answered.

"After the trial is over I need you to step up and be there for him?" Erin said running her fingers through her Partners hair.

"After the trial?"

"Yeah Baby, I don't know if I am cut out for this life...I wasn't born into it...I promised him I would stay until it was done but after that...I need to find me again...whoever I may be."

"Don't you love him?" Adam asked, understanding more of what the earlier conversation was about.

"It isn't about that."

"Erin you know you are the one that holds our team together don't you?"

"Not gonna have this conversation. Jay and I have talked about it...Hank has an idea..."

"So does Al."

"Adam I love all you guys but that doesn't make the world go round."

"Will you tell me before you run away."

"When the trial is over..." Erin told him as Jay groaned and halready opening his eyes. "Go back to sleep." She whispered to him and Adam smirked when he snuggled into her. "Shut up Ruzek."

"Running away and being killed Erin..either way we lose someone we care about." Adam said crossing his arms across his chest. He could feel the panic setting in. Seeing the change Erin moved herself so she was between the two and she pulled Adam into her. "I don't know if I can lose anyone else."

"I want you to listen and listen hard, Halstead has promised to pull me back after I run...I know you don't get it but he does and that is all that matters. I need you and everyone else to help him so he can help me. Got it?"

"So you will be back?" Adam asked as he fought back the tears."

"So help me Ruzek...I lost myself when we lost Nadia, I was barely holding myself together after watching Jules die...watching Justin and Hank after Camille died...my own Mother chose drugs over me...and Teddy...Hank saved me once but he can't do it again...he isnt strong enough...I will do what I need to for Nadia but after that..." Erin said her voice cracking.

"We will get through this together." Jay said sitting back up and pulling Erin into him. "I won't let you down." When Erin pulled Adam who was having a full blown panic attack into her Jay ruffled his hair. "Guys, we will get through this."

Nudging Erin a few minutes later Jay whispered, "Give the Kid something to calm him down. It is late."

Erin passed Adam to Jay and went to her jacket and pulled out a Xanax before walking into the kitchen and pulling a water bottle from the fridge. She set the pill in his mouth and poured a small amount of water into his mouth, "Swallow Baby." She said running her thumb along his cheek.

Ten minutes later Erin watched as his eyes rolled back and Jay felt dead weight against him. "Lightweight." Jay mumbled with a sad smile.

"He okay to leave him so we can go to bed?"

"You were okay to leave for us to go up to the roof, pretty sure he will be fine a few feet away."

"Ass." Erin smirked.

"You know you love it."

"I will be in bed. When you are done codling the Kid I will be waiting for you."

"Codling huh?"

"Snuggling?"

"Comforting."

"Bed." She said as she walked down the hall, popping her head in to check on Antonio. Jay laid Adam down on the couch and covered him with a blanket before walking into Erin's room and plopping down on the bed closing his eyes.

Erin walked out of her bathroom wearing nothing but Jay's Blackhawks Jersey and saddled him. "Now about that ass..."


	9. Chapter 9

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

Erin walked out of her bathroom wearing nothing but Jay's Blackhawks Jersey and saddled him. "Now about that ass..."

Erin awoke tangled in a mix of sheets and the limbs if her near perfect partner who was snoring softly despite the phone vibrating itself off of the side table. "Morning Pop." She said answering it without looking at the screen.

"I call you, he answers, I call him and you answer."

"You sleep at all Hank?" Erin asked with a yawn.

"I could ask you the same thing. How are the kids?"

"I drugged Dawson and Ruzek and then fucked Halstead brains out." She answered sarcastically.

"Dammit Erin."

"Tonio didn't sleep the entire time we were gone and Adam had a panic attack when I said I was gonna run after the trial was over."

"You're going to kill me."

"What do you want me to say?" Erin asked with a huff.

"That you cried and hugged and that you will be fine...that I didn't fail all of you..." Hank said, his usual gravely voice extra thick with emotion.

"You go see Justin and Olive yet?"

"He didn't answer my call."

"Probly cuz you didn't dial."

"I need ya Kid."

"You act like I'm gonna kill myself."

"I can't lose you."

"When are you coming home?

"Tomorrow I think. Trial is next week."

"Three of us or the whole team?"

"We were there when she was found...the rest don't need to see everything."

"What about Dawson?"

"They don't need to see it."

"I am going to keep them updated."

"Go for it."

"I miss you."

"You the only one awake?"

"I told you I drugged the two and then fucked Jays brains..."

"For Christs sake Erin."

"Just come home Hank. We need to get back to normal. All the sitting in the office is making things worse for them."

"I said tomorrow. Arrange the shrink to clear everyone. If you can fool them we will go back to normal."

"Check in." Erin told him, after Hank grunted and hung up Erin put the phone back on the side table and went and showered. When she was done she went back in her room to find Jay still asleep. She got dressed and walked out of her room into the living room. Looking into Nadia's bedroom she saw Antonio in the same position she left him. When she continued into the living room she found Adam laid back on the couch his arm dangling over the edge.

Flipping on the tv she sat down on the floor in front of the couch. She took Adams hand and laid it back on his chest. "Jay said I need to talk to Kim today." Adam whispered sleepily.

"Halsteads a smart guy."

"You drug them too?"

"Dawson."

"What time is it?"

"Six."

"You talk to Voight everyday?"

"We kinda work together so yeah...why?"

"What is he like away from work?"

"There isn't really an away from work Hank anymore."

"Not since Camille died...what was he like before that?"

"The same really...he saved my life..they took me into their home as a daughter when no one even cared if I was alive...he is a good man."

"He is worried about what you will do when you jump off your cliff."

"Adam..."

"Listen to me please...you think it is your fault about Nadia...but it wasn't. It was because of you she found a family again, knew what love was before it was too late. She could have died alone...od in a backlot somewhere. Because you helped pull her out she died knowing that we would find her...knew that she wouldn't be forgotten. I meant what I said last night...losing people from running or dying...it hurts either way."

"Jay will be able to bring me back...I need to figure out who I am...whether I am still CPD or if I do something else...I'm...I...I need to do this for me."

"You're better than what you think you deserve...Hank saw that when he took you in...Jay sees it...we all do."

"Just get up and get ready for work. We see a shrink today to get cleared to go back in the field."

"After last night you think we are ready?"

"If you want to sit and stare at her desk some more..."

"Just remember you can talk to us too..."

"I'll keep that in mind Ruzek. You will talk to Kim tonight...go home with her."

Antonio and Jay got up a little while later and they silently got ready for the day. "Shrink will be waiting for us in the conference room at six." Erin said as the four of them walked into the pen.

"Going over his head?" Al asked Erin.

"He said if we could get the pass we go back to normal tomorrow."

"Better than staring at the wall." Al shrugged.

The day was long and eerily quiet as the unit stared glassy eyes at their computer screens. No one was actually working, just biding time and trying to compartmentalise their emotions. By the time five o'clock rolled around Erin stood up and went into Hanks office closing the door behind her. It was too much, she knew she wasn't ready to be back in the field, hell she didn't know if she would ever be ready but she knew her team well enough to know it would only get worse if they didn't get back out there.

Check your baggage at the gate...that was what Hank always said anyway. As Erin sat down at Hanks desk she saw the box of old photos that was usually in his drawer sitting out, a photo of the two of them on the top. She had just graduated from high school and he had a huge grin on his face. She started at the academy the next day. Underneath that photo was one of Erin the day Hank took her home. Gaunt, pale, raggedy and emotionless she stared blankly at the camera. That was the life she was born into...the life she should have been living.

Wondering what her life would have been like if Hank had taken her in...would she even be alive? Would she be in jail? Have a job, kids? She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice that Al had walked in and was staring over her shoulder at the photo in her hand. "You saved him, he didn't save you." Al told her, snapping her back to reality. "Who Hank was before he met you...after his dad died he was lost...tried to outrun his shadow, but when we busted your mom...when he met you...he had a purpose again. When Camille got sick, when she died...Erin it was you who held him together. After all the shit went down with Justin and 51...you screaming at him is what finally got him to stop. Losing Jules hit him heard Erin, and Nadia...he saw you in her, we all did...he needs you to keep fighting."

"That's not fair." Erin whispered with tears in her eyes.

"Never said it was Kid. I know you think Halstead can do some magic and bring you back and maybe he can but you really don't need to do this. You are the one who got clean, you are the one who made it through academy, you are the one who made detective. You did all that Erin, not Hank. All he did was bring you home and yell at you till he turned blue. Your stubborn ass didn't listen to a god damned thing he ever said to you so stop thinking it isn't you who deserves to be here."

"Done with the lecture?" Erin asked with tears streaming down her face.

"Only if you actually heard it."

"He did a lot more than give me a house and yell at me."

"Do not throw your career away because you think you need a bender to see that I am right...at least sign the paper for a sabbatical." Al said forcing the paper in her face. "Sign it now, when you jump I will date it for you. It gives you up to three months."

Wordlessly she took the paper and signed it and slid it back across the desk. Setting the photo back in the box Erin stood up, "Jay knows my worst Al, if he can't bring me back then I'm not worth the hassle."

"You love your family too much to run."

"Bunny is my family." Erin countered. The combination of a grunt, humph and chuckle escaped his mouth. "Just give me space would you."

"The damn shrink you arranged is here early and ready for our shit show." Al told her before walking out of the office and announcing the time to the rest of the unit who filed down the stairs.

When she entered the conference room she found her team sitting around the table, Halstead, Atwater, Al, Antonio, Ruzek and a spot left open for her between him and Jay. "I'm not going to waste my time, or yours..." The shrink started, "I know you know all the right answers to get cleared-and I have every intention of doing so. Just humor me and tell me something real. No cameras, no recorders, hell I am not even taking notes. I have seen your team in action and have zero intention of preventing you from doing what you do but you guys have been through a lot in a relatively short amount of time. You cannot tell me you are not struggling."

"Erin and Jay have done an amazing job stepping up and bringing us together to share our struggles as a unit." Adam said as he looked down at his clenched hands.

"What does it look like when you say bringing us together?"

"Going to Molly's to unwind, over to Erin's apartment to watch movies and talk, checking in when they go to New York." Antonio answered.

"How often do you do those things?"

"When we need to, more lately." Jay piped up.

"Do you talk about your struggles or just daily life nonsense?"

"Both." Al answered, "The team has emotions just like everyone else, we just choose to keep our business to ourselves. These kids have not always had it easy and trust is earned, this team trusts each other and has each other's backs."

"There is no need to get defensive Detective, I was actually hoping to use your unit as a basis for team building in the entire district. There is not a single other unit who seems to be able to finish each other's sentences, to maintain professionalism and have fun despite the horrors you see on a daily."

"Good luck trying to copy us...we don't do well with outsiders coming in." Erin said crossing her arms.

"Actually, Sargent Voight has authorized us rotating all of the new recruits through the unit as a part of their training."

"And I'm sure that will last as long as it takes for him to find who he is looking for to join the team."

"Regardless of how long it may last, I just wanted to get an idea of how your team works together as a whole, how you divy up partnerships and how you are solo. Now who is your partner?"

"I partnered with everyone at this table." Kevin answered. "Dependin' on what we workin."

"Who is your usual partner then?"

"Depends on the week, I am usually with Ruzek or Voight but have worked with all of them." Al answered. "Jay and Erin are usually together."

"I am usually with Jay, Kevin or Lindsay." Antonio answered.

"Interesting." The shrink said as he walked around the table. "How did you all get to be in IU?"

"Hank and I have worked the gang unit for decades. When he was called up he called me with him and I brought Dawson." Al answered.

"I told them to bring in Jay after an undercover op we had connections with."

"I've used to work with Jules and when Hank got the chance to watch out for me he brought me into his unit." Erin said looking at Antonio.

"Al pulled me from academy...busted my ass to working with Kevin and Burgess...and now Roman."

"He was going to do the same thing with Nadia." Jay told he shrink. "After losing Jules and Nadia he wants to hand pick who comes in and wants someone who hasn't had a chance to pick up any bad habits."

"What do you mean bad habits?"

"Hank wants to do right by his city...leave behind a good legacy...make up for the shit he got into and keep others from going the same path. We are old school but are making it work with the kiddos." Al said. "Are we done here?"

"Just have one more question." The shrink smiled, "Your unit has been scrutinized, lost team members, had hits been put on your head and yet you wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

"Not a question." Erin glared.

"Why do you stay?"

"I know without a doubt everyone at this table would take a bullet for me and I would do the same for all of them." Antonio answered.

"Where else in the world would I find a team I could call in the middle of the night when I..." Adam said with a shaky voice.

"We are a family...on and off the clock." Jay said looking at Erin whilst standing up and moving behind Adam and gripping the kids shoulders tightly. "The reason you wa t to study us is that simple and it isn't something you can teach the rest of CPD...there are too many asshole cops who are burned out and the young and old don't respect each other. We all came from different units so we can work with other units and respect other officers for what they do but you can't copy it."

"Well, I along with the commissioners are going to try...even if it means shaking everyone up a bit."

"You will not be splitting up IU." Al said standing up quickly.

"Goodness no, but we will be cycling people through and we need your help to put together new units that are more effective."

"If we say they don't fit..."

"We want you to tell us where they would or if they need to move on."

"Our word is final?"

"Three strikes...but yes. We will cycle two from academy and one old timer through every two days. Longer or shorter is up to you. Our goal is to match two new wig one old and create a series of units to work different sections of the city, drugs, gangs, traffic, schools...you tell us where you think each will fit best."

"Sounds like a lot of extra work." Antonio said.

"I don't want a report on each one. Don't really care about the why unless there is an issue...and you are t going full duty until after the trial anyway so that will give a few weeks to see how this even works. We all know CPD has had its name run through the mud and we want to fix that."

"We are going to start tonight at Molly's with some beer." Erin said getting up to walk out, the rest of the team following her.

Later that night at Molly's Erin nudged Adam to go talk to Burgess and she couldn't help but grin when she spotted them kissing a few minutes later. She knew he was a long way from okay but now that he had someone he could go to for support other than her. The familiar buzz in her pocket dragged her back to reality and as she pulled her phone out Jay grabbed it from her, answering it as he walked out the door with her following behind.

"When do you land Sarge?"

"Hello Erin, nice of you to answer your own phone for once."

"Time?"

"Sitting on the plane now."

"We will be waiting."

"Jay?"

"Shrink just wanted to know how we work together. We are at Molly's now."

"They ready to work?"

"Easy stuff."

"Erin?"

"No."

"See you."

"I've got her."

"You better." He said hanging up the phone.

"I'm going with you." Erin told him.

"Figured." Jay said pulling Erin into him. "One more beer then we will make sure everyone gets home."

"Antonio is staying at the apartment."

"That a good idea?"

"Yes."

"Drug him?"

"If I need to."

"You?"

"Just need you."

"Promise?"

"One day Jay."

The two of them did go in and have one more beer before sending the team off in their separate directions. Antonio climbed into the backseat and Jay drive the three of them back to the apartment. Erin followed Antonio into the apartment and into Nadia's bedroom. Jay sat down on the couch and listened as the two of them talked, and cried together. He felt like he was intruding, or that he was a heartless bastard for not going in there to hold them both.

He was so scared of pushing Erin too much so he gave her the space he didn't want to give in hopes that she would come to him before he had to go to her. When it was time to go to the airport they were still in the bedroom. Walking slowly down the hall he made his way into the room.

"We are good here Jay, you bring him home and then come back here?" Erin requested as she held Antonio against her.

Reaching his arm forward he squeezed Antonios shoulder and told Erin, "I will have my phone" before he walked out. He allowed his tears to fall as he drove to the airport. He knew that losing Nadia would change things, and he missed her but he missed the stability that she had provided the team.

"Where?" Hank demanded when he opened the front door seeing only Jay.

"With Dawson." He said as his voice cracked.

"Drugged?"

"Not when I left."

"Take me there."

When they walked into the apartment they saw the heads of Erin and Antonio over the back of the couch watching a rerun of Friends. Wordlessly they walked over and Hank sat next to Erin on the couch and Jay made himself comfortable on the floor leaning against Erin's leg.

Feeling Erin's fingers glide through his hair Jay relaxed and instantly felt the exhaustion he had been fighting. Hank watched as his daughter eased her partner with a simple touch, Jays head bobbing slightly as he fought sleep eventually succumbing to it his head slid back resting on the couch his mouth hanging slightly open.

Shaking his head he gently put his arm around Erin and she leaned into his shoulder. "I missed you." He whispered. Erin answered by reaching her hand up and squeezing Hanks arm. "You two ready to get back to work tomorrow?" He asked.

"As long as everyone quits with the eggshells around us." Dawson answered looking over.

"I want you and Al to partner up the next couple weeks, Ruzek with Atwater."

"You three going off book?"

"We will be back and forth to New York so you four will be doing the grunt work here."

"I want to be at the trial too."

"Dawson."

"Nadia was my..."

"Stop right there. Whatever Nadia was or wasn't to you, you do not need to see or hear the details of the trial. Erin is going to keep you all informed."

"I will take personal leave and pay my own..."

"You do and you will be out of a job."

"Hank!" Erin hissed.

"I do not want you there either so if you think he should go...by all means you stay here Erin."

"That's not fair." Erin pouted.

"Deal with it." Hank said turning his head back to the TV.

Five minutes later Antonio jumped up and went quickly into the bedroom, a poor attempt at hiding his emotions. When Erin went to stand to follow him Hank stopped her. "Go sleep Erin, take him with you." He said gesturing to her sleeping partner.

Craning over she kissed Hank on the cheek, "I'm glad you are home." She whispered into his ear. As she stood up she pulled Jay up with her and she led him into the bedroom with him not even opening his eyes.

"God I hope he can save her." Hank mumbled under his breath as he stood up to check on Antonio.

"Jay take off your shirt at least." He heard Erin whine through the door.

"Make me." Jay flirted back.

"You know I will." Erin giggled as Hank shook his head and walked into what had been Nadia's bedroom.

Looking around he saw an overly tidey room that looked straight out of an ikea catalog with Dawson sitting head in his hands on the edge of the bed. "I want you to remember what she was like alive, I do not want you to see or hear anything that would change that...when we lost Jules...I couldn't protect you...with Nadia...I can at least keep you from that side of it." Hank tried to explain.

"I can still look it up...it isnt your choice to make."

"I know."

"It doesn't make it hurt any less."

Hank reached over and put his hand on his arm, "Losing the woman you love...the pain never leaves, you just find ways to deal with it." Hank said quietly, it wasn't often he opened himself up like that.

"Feel like its swallowing me."

"Fight it. Get back into the ring, back to routine."

Kicking off his shoes he leaned back on the bed, "Made me think about Jules again..."

"You are good police Dawson, we do what we can to protect the ones we love...and are there for each other when we can't."

"Don't want another partner."

"You aren't cursed. And you can't go solo."

"Would you want to be partnered with me?"

"I trust you with my life."

"Then why don't you trust me with New York."

"I need a team back here. Erin doesn't have her head in the game...Jays head is with Erin. They are going to New York...they need time. The rest of you...you didn't see it...you are still able to focus, able to work smart."

"That's crap and you know it."

"I can't lose anyone else." Hank said sitting down on the bed next to Antonio.

"Erin?"

"Already halfway out the door." Hank said laying back on the bed and squinting his eyes closed.

Rising with the sun Jay quietly took a shower and dressed before walking out into the apartment, the place he had stayed more than his own in the last few weeks and found it comforting. He stepped into Nadia's bedroom and covered the two men with blankets before walking out to fetch some strong coffee and some breakfast for everyone.

Three days, he had three days until they were back in Manhatten sitting in a courtroom going over every gory detail about how their friend was raped tortured murdered and thrown out like last weeks trash. Three days...


	10. Chapter 10

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

Three days, he had three days until they were back in Manhatten sitting in a courtroom going over every gory detail about how their friend was raped tortured murdered and thrown out like last weeks trash. Three days...

The unit had been immediately thrown back onto a case, thankfully it was fairly easy with the help of some of the teams confidential informants and they solved it in under sixty hours. That however meant that the team got next to no sleep and only had enough time to go home to shower and change clothes...if they got lucky. The majority of the team showered in the locker rooms and crashed in the break room on the small sofa or passed out at their desks. They had something to prove and prove it was exactly what they did.

By the time Erin, Jay and Hank were dropped off at the airport April 13th they were so exhausted they could hardly see straight. Top that off with all of their anxious energy the three were walking time bombs of snappy answers and zero patience. Taking their seats on the plane, Jay once again in the middle, they barely stayed awake long enough to clasp their seat belts.

About forty minutes into their flight they hit turbulence startling Jay from his slumber in a panic waking Hank in the process. He was about ready to grumble when they hit another patch of turbulence and he realized what was happening. Hank gripped Jays shoulder and pulled him back towards him with his arm protectively around his shoulders. With glassy eyes Jay glanced at Hank before collapsing into him, back to sleep almost instantaneously.

Tapping on Hanks shoulder the flight attendant informed him they would be landing soon. Grumbling a thank you he looked to his right and saw the two blissfully sleeping, his arm was still around Jay who had turned in his seat and had his head balancing between Hanks shoulder and the seat back. Erin had moved so she was curled into a ball halfway on top of Jay.

Breaking him from his thoughts the older lady across the isle from them noticed he was awake and touched his arm, "Be thankful for every moment you get with your beautiful family."

"Yeah." Hank grunted.

"How old is your son? I saw his army pack when you boarded. My youngest son was a ranger too." When hank didn't answer she continued, "I wish every day I could have one more minute to hold my son. Died in 2003. Looked to be about his age, reminded me of him."

"Jay is not my son, we are in the same unit...Chicago PD. Headed to Manhattan for a court case for one of our own." Hank said, feeling wrong even as he said it, they were family...

"Miss Decotis? Heard about that. I am sorry for your loss." She said, again reaching across to touch his arm. "Never seen a unit seemingly as close as you three before. NYPD, retired in 2004. Worked their fifty years."

"Long haul." Hank nodded, moving his arm a little as it was starting to fall asleep. When Jays head slipped slightly he woke up, slowly opening his eyes. Hank gave him a quick squeeze before pulling his arm out from around his shoulder. As Jay straightened out he ran his fingers through Erin's hair waking her up gently. "Took Erin in as a teen." Hank told the woman, causing Jay to look over at them, he never spoke to people he didn't know...especially about Erin.

"Have a wife and kids of your own?" She asked him.

"Son yes, few years younger than them. Camille passed a few years back."

"Rough road you've had. Not easy saying goodbye to your love. My husband was killed in the fall of 2001. He was officially retired but...when your city is attacked there is no such thing as retired."

"Way of life." Hank said, his voice cracking slightly.

When Jay saw her put her hand on Hanks arm without him flinching he knew he was wavering on the edge. Jay put his hand over Hanks arm and squeezed it tight. "Thank you for your service Jay." The woman said looking down to his hand on Hanks arm.

Jay nodded, "Made it easier to handle this guy." He smirked, trying to pull Hank from the edge. "He makes some of my drill sargents look like princesses."

Erin sat up as the plane went in for landing. "If you were NYPD for years you know Olivia Benson then?"

Smiling at Erin she answered, "Of course, though I never worked directly with her. Good police in her unit. A little rough around the edges but good police."

"You have a way with people. Bet you have a million stories about old New York."

"Too many too ever tell them all." She answered with a laugh as she saw Jay elbow her in the side.

"She said she was in for fifty years..."

"Erin ease drops even when she is asleep." Hank said rolling his eyes as he unhooked his seat belt.

"Comes from being raised by an alcoholic crack whore." Erin mumbled.

"Well like I said to start, be thankful for the family you have here. I will maybe see you around while you are in town." She said stepping into the isle to disembark from the plane.

The three walked slowly off the plane and through the airport getting their luggage and climbing into a cab and heading for the hotel. Hank sat down on the first bed and laid back draping his arm over his eyes. "I will go get Something to eat and bring it back here." Jay said.

"Take Erin with you." Hank mumbled.

"You sure?" She asked him. They saw him nod and saw a tear drop from his face to the bed. "We will be back soon." She told him. She wished he would just let them in and stop trying to protect her from whatever emotions he is processing.

They were out less than twenty minutes and were able to get a fresh loaded pizza, a load of junk food and a six pack of beer. "Linds...why don't you call the guys and let them know we made it. I will bring the stuff up to the room.

"Text me when it is okay for me to go up Halstead." She said with an eye roll before pulling out her phone and calling Antonio.

When Jay walked into the room he found Hank laying in the same spot on the bed, a small wet spot on the comforter from where his tears had fallen. "Want to talk about it?"

"What do you think?" Hank grumbled as he sat up, wiping his eyes roughly.

"You need to get yourself ready for when she runs...but she will figure it out and come back."

"Where did you leave her?"

"She was calling home." Jay told him as he sent a quick text, "She'll be up in a minute."

Which she was, they quickly ate their dinner and took their places in bed watching reruns of old 90's shows on nick at night. The next day was spent preparing for the court hearing. With Hank constantly telling Jay to take Erin out of the room. To hell with protocols and regulation, he was going to protect her from as much as he could.

The fifteenth of April arrived too early and Erin begrudgingly agreed to sit out with a member of NYPD if Jay was allowed to watch and update her as often as he could. Jay kept his hands in his lap, digging his nails into his wrist to maintain his composure as he watched the lawyers present both sides. He could feel Hank fidgeting next to him.

When they called Erin to the stand they felt like they were under water, struggling to breath and wanting to run up the and hold her. The three of them struggled to compartmentalize the case from their own personal feelings. They were there representing the CPD as well as being victims themselves.

After their lunch, where none of them are a single bite Erin stayed in the courtroom to watch. Jay struggled more than her as they tried to defend Yates and Erin found herself putting her hand on his to attempt to calm him down.

Back at the hotel that night Erin quietly got ready for bed and laid down closing her eyes. When Jay tried to sit down next to her she rolled away from him and pulled her arms and legs into herself effectively shutting herself off. "Going out." He gruffly told Hank before picking up a keycard, phone and throwing on a pair of jogging shoes. Hank only nodded.

When Erin burst into tears as the door closed Hank crossed the room and pulled her into him as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "I wish Camille were here with us." He graveled causing Erin to grip tightly to him. "Erin I know what it is like to lose your best friend."

When Jay came back a couple hours later he took off his shoes and walked towards his bed. He heard Hanks snoring as he got closer and looked up seeing Erin staring back at him while being curled into Hanks side.

"You gonna tell me you aren't a Daddy's girl?" Jay smiled at her as he shut off the rooms main light, leaving them only lit by the TV.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Been a rough few weeks." He said as he picked up the blanket off Hanks bed and draping it over them before walking towards the small round table by the window.

"You're not sleeping in the chair all night."

"Don't think I will be sleeping at all tonight."

"Halstead get your ass over here." Erin told him. Jay laid down and put his head on his pillow and Erin reached over and ran her fingers down his cheek, "How was the view from the roof?"

"Called Dawson." He said, vice cracking slightly. When Erin moved to hold Jay, Hank gripped her tighter in his sleep mumbling about losing his best friend and she snuggled back into him and pulled Jay to her. "Camille?" Jay asked.

"I am going to kill him. Jay promise me you wont let him do anything stupid."

"This is all going to change when we get back home isn't it?"

"I dont want to hurt you."

"I don't want to lose my Partner." Jay said as two tears fell from his eyes and dropped onto her skin.

"You will bring me back"

"How?" Jay asked with a yawn, exhaustion setting in.

Erin softly began to sing, "When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart. I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you, it's hard to find relief and people can be so cold. When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore let me be the one you call. If you jump I'll break your fall... By the time she finished the song she was being lulled into her own blissful sleep by the soft snores and gentle rise and fall of both Jay and Hank.

April sixteenth went by like a blur. When the guilty verdict was handed down the weight on them vanished and was left with only intense sadness. A sadness so profound Erin was unable to focus, to have a conversation, to even pack her bag to go home.

When Hank stormed out of the hotel room Jay wondered if Yates would make it through the hour. Erin didn't even notice his absence. Jay gave her meds to help her sleep and held her until she had passed out before sending Hank a message to meet him on the roof when he was done.

Jay knew that this was it, the last night he would get to fall asleep with her in his arms, to wake up next to her, to have a true partner...at least for a while. Erin had checked out. He knew the first thing she would do when they got home would be to call Severide...to over indulge at the bar...and then when that was no longer enough she would call up Bunny or her contacts from the other side. Al had told him about the leave form he made her sign and wondered how long it would be before they had to use it.

"You should be sleeping Kid." Hank said walking over to where Jay was perched.

"From now until she lets me bring her back are going to be torture."

"Giving up already?"

"Don't think that's possible."

"Then get Your ass back down there. We've got a plane to catch."

"Our flights not til tomorrow night."

"Olivia was able to bump it up. We fly out in an hour."

An hour later they were sitting in their seats on the plane waiting for take off. Erin had her head resting on the window, Jays hoody draped over her for a blanket. At take off Hank reached his arm over and pulled Jay into him, "Go to sleep kid, only a couple hours till we land."

As much as he wished he never had to be where they were he was getting a glimpse into the man that Erin saw as her dad, who he was starting to see as a father figure as well. His own dad would have never held him like Hank was at that moment. As he fought back tears that threatened to fall from sheer exhaustion, he felt the grip around his shoulders tighten and felt Hank lean his head against him.

Hank hated to see Jay struggling, he reminded him so much of Justin...and if he were to be truthful he reminded him of himself. Knowing that in a few short hours they would be back at work he needed to get Jay to fall asleep as well as get a couple winks for himself. "I've got you kid." He whispered as he closed his eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

An hour later they were sitting in their seats on the plane waiting for take off. Erin had her head resting on the window, Jays hoody draped over her for a blanket. At take off Hank reached his arm over and pulled Jay into him, "Go to sleep kid, only a couple hours till we land."

As much as he wished he never had to be where they were he was getting a glimpse into the man that Erin saw as her dad, who he was starting to see as a father figure as well. His own dad would have never held him like Hank was at that moment. As he fought back tears that threatened to fall from sheer exhaustion, he felt the grip around his shoulders tighten and felt Hank lean his head against him.

Hank hated to see Jay struggling, he reminded him so much of Justin...and if he were to be truthful he reminded him of himself. Knowing that in a few short hours they would be back at work he needed to get Jay to fall asleep as well as get a couple winks for himself. "I've got you kid." He whispered as he closed his eyes.

 _Erin knew that Jay reminded Hank of Justin, and she knew that he knew more about his background than Jay would ever talk about. She never expected him to hold him like a child though...especially not on a plane. Her heart was shattered and battered and she knew she had to figure herself out...she just needed to see that her family would be okay without her._

Over the next couple weeks thinks slowly started to go back to normal, not that there was a normal anymore, but it was starting to become the new normal. The team went back to sleeping in their own houses, only meeting occasionally at Molly's after work. The only thing that had really changed was how Erin was acting...at work, off the clock, with her friends...and family. The further Erin distanced herself the closer she saw Hank and Jay get.

After Nadia's desk was cleaned up Erin told Jay that she needed to run, she made up thousands of excuses as to why she had to go, to jump off her cliff, but at the end of the conversation she made him promise her that he wouldn't give up on her. It was one of the hardest conversations either of them had ever had.

After he hit had been put out on Erin and they found him with her he knew she had actually done it. Whatever their relationship had been before the jealousy and sadness threatened to boil over. He started to struggle on his focus and instead of falling off his own cliff he started boxing with Dawson, which usually led to a drink at Molly's. A new normal. At least he knew that Antonio understood what he was dealing with even if the two of them rarely mentioned it.

 _Erin went back to Bunnies after making sure that he got home safe. She should have been dead. Once again her team had saved her... Though technically Kevin was no longer on intelligence. She knew she wasn't able to go back to work, not until she knew who she was again. After a night of drinking she knew she needed to give Hank her badge. She just didn't know if she was strong enough to do it._

 _Luckily for her Bunnie wasn't above filling her with booze and talking for her. After Hank left with her badge she felt naked, empty inside. She left shortly after he did and walked to the cemetery where she sat down with Nadia and cried. She had no one left. She knew Bunnie was all show and didn't give a shit about her, she knew Hank and Jay and the rest of the unit would do anything for her but she didn't deserve it._

 _She didn't deserve any of it, the good or the bad. When she finally went back to her apartment that night she found Antonio passed out with a bottle of vodka in his hand on her couch. Taking the bottle and putting it on the table she hoisted him up and led her into Nadia's room and dropping him on the bed...all without him opening an eye. Her team didn't deserve this._

When Hank called Jay and told him she handed him her badge Jay went over to Al and told him to date the paper before he stormed out to his car. As much as the two of them had been mentally preparing themselves for that moment it still felt like a punch to the gut. They both arrived at the Voight home at the same time with bloodshot eyes and mentally exhausted.

"You look like Hell Sarge." Jay mumbled as he followed Hank into the living room, collapsing onto the couch.

"You are suppose to be at work." Hank grumbled, knowing full well there was no way Jay was in a fit spot to be working.

"What did she say?"

"Bunny is doing the talking for her." Hank said sitting down in his arm chair. "She started crying when I left."

"How long am I suppose to give her Hank? A day, a week, a month?"

"She has six weeks of furlough."

"And after this you are just going to let her back in the unit?"

"Someone needs to watch her back."

"Will she be the same person when she comes back?"

"Does it matter?"

"No." Jay said after a minute, leaning back on the couch and putting his arm over his eyes. He did not want to break.

"Halstead, I don't know if she will be the same person coming back but if she does come back it will be because for whatever reason she loves you." Hank told him knowing it to be the truth, but also knowing it would push Jay over the edge...and he needed him to break so that he could put himself back together...they both had to be back at the office in the morning.

When the tears started falling the dam broke and Jay couldn't stop, hell, he could hardly breathe. Hank didn't say anything, or move to try and provide comfort as much as he wanted to. Jay had to figure out his own way of putting himself back together, Hamk needed to know that if something triggered him and he wasnt around Jay would be able to figure it out.

It took two hours for the tears to stop flowing, for his breathing to calm down. Two hours of listening to the choked sobs of the man he hoped would be able to save his daughter. Getting up slowly from his chair and walking towards Jay he reached out and tugged his hand easing him up for the couch, "Come on Kid go crash upstairs." He said as he led him up. Reaching the top of the stairs Jay eyed Erin's door before turning and stepping into Justin's old room. "I'll wake you up in a couple hours for dinner." Hank said as Jay melted into the bed with his eyes already closed.

He stood in the doorway watching him restlessly sleep for a few minutes before walking in and pulling the quilt off the footboard and tucking it around Jay. He ran his thumb along the tear tracks in his cheek before gently squeezing his shoulder. "Rest easy, I've got you Kid." Hank whispered before walking out of the room.

Hank did in fact get him up to eat before sending him back to bed for the night. They road in to work together that day, Jay slipping out to meet Erin to see that she was okay...know that she was still breathing. He was angry at how cold she was, but the anger wasn't at her, it was at himself. He didn't protect her...he didn't protect Nadia...he failed as her partner and now he didn't know how to get her to come back.

 _She saw Jay one more time after handing over the badge, Erin knew it was his half assed attempt at keeping her from running and despite his obvious anger all she felt was his hurt, his pain...pain he was in because of her. She spent the next couple weeks barely leaving her bedroom. She barely ate and once she finished all the alcohol in the house she didn't bother going out to get anymore. She got several texts a day from Jay and Bunnie which she ignored. She felt like she was in limbo. She didn't want anything to do with Bunnie but didn't deserve to be an officer at CPD._

 _When the texts stopped coming Erin wondered if he had given up, broken the one promise he made her...that was until she got a call from Mouse telling her Jay had been taken..._


	12. Chapter 12

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _When the texts stopped coming Erin wondered if he had given up, broken the one promise he made her...that was until she got a call from Al telling her Jay had been taken..._

Erin knew that the party life was not for her, she was bored, angry and miserable. Her mother was a leach...but she was her Mother. She felt guilty putting her allegiance with Bunnie. She had never done anything to help Erin in her life, never truly been a mother. Not like Camille was, not like the parent Hank is.

She knew that going back would have consequences, with Hank there was always a deal to be made. She only hoped that it wasn't too late to save Jay. She didn't know how to breathe without him. Seeing him the day before made her realize that his love was so true, that he meant what he promised her...that he would never leave.

The walk back into the unit, through that gate...it meant everything to her. Erin Lindsay was police through and through. Looking Hank in the eye she knew he was glad to see her even though he was pissed. She would deal with that after they got Jay back.

No one on the team questioned her return, questioned her. They all knew Jay would find a way to get her back...this way though was one fucked up way to do it. When she climbed into the SUV she knew that she was going rogue, that she would be leaving her backup behind but all she cared about was her partner. If she couldn't get to Jay then she didn't see a point in living. Her life right now was her partner. She would figure the rest out later.

When Keyes guys dragged Jay in she couldn't help but rush to him. The look in his eyes said more than any words ever could. Seeing her eyes he had a renewed purpose, a reason to keep fighting...to protect her. To protect him. Getting thrown through a table, stabbing the man who was going to kill him. She would save him. He would save her.

She wordlessly walked out of the room handing Hank the gun she had used to kill him...she kept walking until she was outside, where she could breathe. One hell of a first day back. She knew the team would take care if Jay. That he would be going to Chicago Med...she knew where to find him.

Move in with Hank and no more Bunnie. Take it or leave it. They both already knew her answer, they both knew the road ahead was going to be hard. They both knew that there was no other way.

Erin went back to her apartment where she took a very long hot shower before throwing away her bloody clothes and walking out the door. She went over to Jays apartment where she packed a small bag for him before going to the hospital. Walking into his room she saw that he was asleep and she didn't want to disturb him. She set down the bag and turned to walk out only to be stopped by Will.

"Do not leave him again." He told her as he grabbed her shoulders and spun her around pushing her towards the bed. "Jay needs you."

Erin wiped the tears from her eyes, "I need him." She whispered.

"He is fine, will probably wake up soon. He can have meds again anytime after ten. He will refuse them...you take care if him." Will told her before turning and walking towards the door. "I'll be at Molly's." Erin nodded and walked towards the bed sitting down in the hard plastic chair right beside it.

Erin watched as his chest rose and fell with each breath, studied his face, each bump, bruise and cut. He was still here, she had saved him. She could breathe another day. When his breathing became rough she reached her hand and set it in his arm and he blinked open his eyes. Seeing her there he took a deep breath and closed his eyes again quickly falling asleep.

At ten she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, "Hi Hank." She answered seeing the photo on the screen.

"You better not be..." Hank grumbled.

"I am at the hospital." Erin answered with a small smile.

"He awake yet? How is he doing? Does he need anything?" Hank rambled on.

"Still out. I'm going to be here till he asks me to leave." Erin told him.

"You will be at your desk at eight." Hank told her.

"I love you too."

"You have no idea how good it feels to hear that Kid."

"I will see you in the morning."

"Tell me when he wakes up."

"Go to bed Hank." She said hanging up her phone only took look over and see the sparkle in Jay's eyes.

"Didn't know if you would keep your promise." Jay whispered.

"I'm sorry...Jay...I...I can't lose you...you almost...I just...I can't..." As her walls crumbled her entire body began to shake as the tears poured from her eyes.

"Come here." Jay whispered as he scooted over in the bed, trying not to flinch as his body screamed at him. Erin studied his face as she gingerly sat down on the bed next to him. "I'm not made of glass Lindsay." He whispered. When she finally curled herself into him he immediately relaxed, "God I've missed this."

"I'm sorry." She whispered to him as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Just promise me you won't run anymore." Jay whispered as he fought the tears that were forming in his eyes.

Erin reached her hand up and cupped his bruised cheek and gently wiped the lone tear that slid down. "I knew you would bring me back."

"It almost killed me." Jay half smiled. "Literally." He said realizing the magnitude of the truth in his statement. Erin snuggled into his side and laid her head down in the crook of his armpit. "Stay with me tonight?" She nodded her head gently and closed her eyes breathing in the scent of her partner. As Jay drifted off to sleep he felt more relaxed than he had in weeks. He rolled his body into her and held onto her as if she was his lifeline to this planet.

When Will arrived to check on him the next morning he found them in the same position. He had wondered what the smirks from the nurses were when he asked for the update. As he made his way closer to the bed he saw that Erin held onto Jay's pain management button and smiled. "How much did he need?" He whispered, unsure if she was awake. He could hear his brothers soft snores.

"Needed it a little after midnight and again at five. He didn't wake up but his breathing got rough." She whispered back. "I have to be in by eight."

"I will wait to examin him then, he hasn't slept this well in weeks." Will admitted.

"I'm sorry." Erin said looking up at him.

"You saved him Erin...in my book you are good. Just don't...take care of him will you?" He said trying to smile.

"I'm moving in with Hank."

"So I've heard."

"He getting you to do my piss tests?" Erin smiled.

"Something like that. Guess I am on retainer with your unit."

"Good to know."

"I will be back in an hour to look him over. He should get to go home today..." Will said putting a hand on her shoulder before brushing his hand through his brothers hair.

"In Chicago we get through stuff...we will get you through too." Erin said reaching her hand up to grasp his.

"Hard to see him like this again...I'm glad he has you to push him." Will said fighting his emotions.

Squeezing his hand Erin whispered, "Family sticks together Halstead...that means you too."

"I'll be back in an hour." He said with a small smile before walking out, shutting the door behind him.

Erin looked down at the top of her partners head, he had curled him around her and it was her arm that now held him to her, his leg tucked over hers. She gently started running her hand up and down his back and shoulder before tracing his perfect features as his head rocked back allowing her to see his face, lips relaxed and open slightly.

As she ran her fingertip across his lip he puckered and kissed her softly before opening his eyes and looking up at her. "You stayed." He whispered in awe.

"You've got me for another hour. Hank wants me at my desk at eight." She answered with a smile.

"What time is it?" Jay asked roving his eyes around looking for a clock.

"Little after six. I will leave after Will does your exam."

"I didn't wake up..." Jay mumbled.

"That a bad thing?"

"Will came in here?"

"And the nurses." Erin said squeezing her arm around him. "I've got your back Jay."

"You gave me the pain meds."

"Twice."

"I missed you." Jay whispered. Erin leaned her head down resting her lips on his forehead. She felt him relax back into her, but knew that he was awake. His breathing was always different when he fell asleep.

When Will walked in a couple minutes later Erin looked over at him. "You drug him again?" He asked softly.

"Nope."

"I need to examin him now, you want to be in her for this?" He asked her.

Feeling Jay dig his fingertips into her very sore ribs she nodded, "If I am late Hank can deal with it."

When Erin tried to roll away so that Will could examin Jay he started to tremble. "It's your brother, you are safe."

"Will you do it?" Jay asked as he opened his eyes.

Erin looked up at Will, "What did they do to you Man?" He asked rhetorically, "I will have her do as much if it as I can...but you've got to trust me."

Jay looked at Will before looking back to his partner and nodded. Will instructed Erin step by step what to do, the only time Will had to touch him was to check on the placement of his broken ribs. Will had allowed her to do everything else, and he was surprised at how gently and quickly she was able to perform all of his wound care.

By the time they finished Erin gently tapped the button to give him more pain meds and she let him relax into her. "I do need to go to work. I will be here at five to bring you home." She promised him. When she heard his soft snoring she crawled out of his bed and scribbled a short note, _ALWAYS_ , before tucking it in his hand and walking out.

The day crept by impossibly slow, Erin texted Will every half hour for updates, more than likely driving him insane-but he took the time to answer every time. At four Hank called her into his office and told her to bring Jay home...to his home. He knew Erin wouldn't leave him and he wanted her there.

When she walked into the hospital room he was standing in the window staring out at the skyline. Erin walked slowly over to him and put her hand on his back, "I didn't know if you would come." He whispered.

With a sad smile Erin asked, "Your brother give you the go ahead to leave?"

"Yeah. Bag on the bed has meds he wants me to take and says no work for the rest of the week."

"Hank wants you to stay with us."

"He running a hotel now?" Jay smirked. He was surprised the man never came to the hospital himself to check on him, but he knew Erin was on a short leash and sharing updates.

"I need you close to me too." Erin said stepping away from him and picking up the small duffel on the bed. Opening it she saw it had a couple pairs of sweats, tshirts and his hoody along with his toiletries and a bottle of Norco.

"I told him I didn't want the meds." Jay said crossing his arms defensively, grimacing in the process.

"Whatever." Erin said with a dramatic eye roll. "You'll change your mind later and will have them ready when you do."

"You on meds? You did get slammed through a table..."

"No. Nothing broken but the table Jay...I got got bruised up."

"I thought he killed you." Jay said looking down at his feet as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

Rezipping the bag she dropped it back on the bed and stood in front of him and he leaned his head forward onto her stomach, "Can we get you home?" When Jay looked up at her she saw that he was fighting back tears, kissing him gently on the forehead, one of the few unbruised areas on him she whispered, "We are both still here."

"Geeze guys you can't even wait to get out of the hospital for that?" Will announced his presence. "There should be enough clothes to get him through the rest of the week and I will be by tonions to check both of you out again."

"Thanks Will." Erin said turning to face him and letting her hand slide down for his head to his shoulder.

"You need anything..."

"We've got your number." Jay said gingerly standing up.

"When you get there make him take a damn pill would you?" He said as they walked out the door. Erin looked over her shoulder and nodded. "I mean it Jay."

Erin tried not to laugh as she watched Jay maneuver himself into the passenger seat and buckle himself, refusing any help at all. Before they were even out of the parking garage he had leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Exhausted, both physically and mentally, battered and bruised his body was toast. He wanted to stay awake, to talk to Erin, to find out how she really was but he just couldn't keep his eyes open. Erin reached over and took his hand in hers and squeezed, "We will have plenty of time to talk once you are better. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?" He slurred without opening his eyes.

"Take a nap Halstead." Erin smirked. Jay intertwined his fingers into hers and relaxed into the seat as she drove him across town to Voights house. As she pulled in front of the house and put the car in park Jay didn't even stir. When she pulled her hand from his he didn't wake but instantly his peaceful slumber turned into anything but.

She got out quickly and walked around to the other side of the car and opened his door, threw his bag over her shoulder and reached across unbuckling his seatbelt but not before his slumber turned into a full blow nightmare. She knelt down next to him and cupped his face in her hands, "Look at me." She urged.

The paralyzingly fear she saw when his gray eyes opened and looked into hers was shocking. "You are okay." She whispered to him as she fought the tears in her own eyes, "We are okay." Jay lunged at her and squeezed her tight into him releasing a moan of pain in the process.

Erin ran her fingers up and down his back as he clung to her, when her legs started to ache she pulled away, "Let's go inside Jay." She instructed pulling him softly out of the car. He held tight to her hand as she led him into the house.

"Can you make it up the stairs?" Erin asked him after they walked through the front door, when he shook his head she put her arm around his hip and led him into the living room where he sat gingerly on the couch. "You can't do stairs you are doing meds." Erin said dropping his bag on the floor and walking into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Erin saw Hank look up over whatever papers he was reading in his office but saw that he didn't move to get up, she had felt his eyes on them out front as well. Jay was staring at his hands when she walked back into the room and she handed him the glass before digging out the pill bottle and shaking out two of the pills and wordlessly handing them to him.

After she was sure he swallowed them she took the glass and set it on the table before sitting down next to him on the couch. "You need to rest." Earning only a small grunt from her partner she turned so she was facing him and put her arm around him and he fell against her, sucking in his breath as he did. "When those mess kick in you are going to lay down in a bed."

She ran her fingers up and down his arm until his breathing returned to normal, "Panic attack out front...Jay what..."

"I thought you were dead...I can't...I keep seeing you like...like..."

"Like Nadia?" Erin asked. Jay gave a gentle nod. "We can't work together if you are going to panic all the time..."

"I just need to see...to know it is really you here."

"She's here Halstead...but she is right, I need both of you 100% focused in the field." Hank said walking into his living room. Jay jumped to try and sit up, away from Erin...it wasn't allowed...but he failed miserably. Hank shook his head, "I would have said something outside if I cared Halstead. Just relax and let yourself heal."

Jay sank back into her and allowed his eyes to close, "He needs to be in a bed Erin."

"Can't do the stairs...just gave him two. Count them if you want." Erin said nodding to the bottle on the table.

"You pass the tests and I trust you Erin. I know you aren't going to take his meds." He told her walking behind the couch and squeezing her shoulder, seeing his head drop back as he started to fall into a drug induced slumber he went on, "Let's get him up there before he is all dead weight."

"Pretty sure he is now." Erin smirked. "He's always been a lightweight."

Hank walked around so he was in front of them and slid his arm around Jay, lifting him like it was nothing, "Come on Kid, up to a real bed." He said just loud enough for Erin to hear before she watched him take her partner up the stairs. Jay barely opened his eyes. She grabbed his duffel and followed behind wondering how many times Hank had done that for Jay in the last month...Jay was not one to trust easily and to see his head lull over and rest on Hanks shoulder she knew, drugs or not, that this was not the first time.

She was surprised when he led him into her room and not Justin's room across the hall. "He sleeps better in here." Hank said as he gently laid Jay down on the bed.

Jay opened his eyes and searched until he saw Erin in the doorway, "You were right Sarge, she did come back." He slurred before closing his eyes again.

"Go to sleep Kid." Hank whispered running a hand through Jays hair before standing up and turning to face her.

"Hank?" Erin asked with tears in her eyes.

"Neither one of us can handle you leaving again. Take care of him." He said with glistening eyes. Erin just nodded and walked over to the bed gently taking off his shoes and tucking his feet up and under her blanket. She kicked her own shoes off and climbed onto the bed next to him and he instantaneously rolled over and put his arm around her.

She slid her hand down and pulled out Jays phone and looked at the texts, all from the team. She read through the ones between her and Hank and was surprised at how much the two had relied on each other. She hated herself for torturing them...what surprised her even more were the conversations with Will and with Mouse...mostly with Mouse...Craig. She had missed out on so much by trying to prove she wasn't who's she was.

"Those drugs make you clingy Halstead." Erin mumbled a couple hours later when he rolled over so he was practically on top of her.

"Mmmm safe here." Jay mumbled as he nuzzled his head into her belly.

"You still hurting?" Erin asked him, "Will is going to be here soon."

"Tolerable." Jay said opening his eyes.

"Hank brought you up here."

"I know."

"You like each other now."

"We have mutual interests."

"You think you can handle dinner? I think he's got the grill going."

"Will you stay with me?"

"Halstead we are in my bedroom...it is you staying with me." Erin smiled, "Dinner or no dinner."

"Dinner." He said sitting up slowly. Erin followed him downstairs where he walked through the kitchen and out to the back patio.

"Hungry?" Hank asked them as Jay sat down in one of the lawn chairs at the old picnic table.

"When do I get to go back?" Jay asked Hank when he set down a plate with a steak and potato on it in front of him.

"When you can sleep through the night on your own, go a day without meds and not make those ridiculous faces every time something hurts."

"And when I sign your release form." Will said walking out onto the deck.

"Since when do people just let themselves into your house?" Erin asked surprised to see her partners brother walking out and sitting down next to Jay only to be handed a dinner plate from Hank.

"Since I told him to." Hank said handing Erin her plate. "You both get a good nap in?"

"Halstead did, I did a little reading." Erin snarked.

"How many did you give him? He still looks drugged." Will asked as he popped a bite in his mouth.

"Two. He's a lightweight for sure."

"You still hurting?" Will asked him, Jay responded by glaring and grunting...exactly how much time had he been spending with Hank?

When the four of them finished their dinner Hank grunted at Jay to stop stalling. Erin took his hand and led him back into the house where Will had dropped his bag. "Shirt off, need to check the bruising too." Will instructed.

Watching her best friend grimace in pain Erin helped him pull his tee up and over his head. He flinched when Will went to touch him and Erin positioned herself in front of him, "Focus on me." She whispered and he stared at her with will working around where she had kneeled.

"Two weeks until you can even think about going in the field...desk work on Monday." Will said as he stepped back.

"What about the anxiety?" Hank asked as Will put his things back into the bag.

"Yours or his?" Will raised an eyebrow. Hank crossed his arms. "Give him a couple days. He bounces back pretty quick."

"You've seen him like this before?"

"I'm sitting right here. Of course he has seen me freak out before...more than once. I will be fine." Jay answered, looking only at Erin.

"At that...it is getting late. Voight, thanks for dinner. Take care of my brother Erin, Mouse knows how to bring him back if you need."

"Will!" Jay growled.

"Can't help it Jay, I did almost lose my brother...again." Will said looking directly at Jay whose anger turned to sadness with his words. "You know where to find me." He said walking to the door.

Erin stepped away from Jay and followed him out the front door stopping Will when he got to his car, "I meant what I said at the hospital." She said putting her hand on his arm.

"Just take care of him." Will said getting into the driver seat.

"Halstead stop." Erin said preventing him from closing the door. When he looked to her he had tears in his eyes. "If you are going to be my brother in law then at some point you need to talk to me."

Chuckling, Will smiled, "I don't see a ring on that finger yet, Sis."

"Technicality." Erin smirked.

"Go take care of my brother."

"I read your texts."

"Not now..." Will said with a sad smile.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You are going to go inside and get him to take ONE norco and make him go to bed. Once he is asleep you can call me if you want." Erin smiled and stepped back allowing him to close the door. She tapped the roof of the car before turning and walking back into the house.

Hank had already beat her to getting Jay to take a pain pill and up into her bedroom where she found Hank walking out and Jay sitting on the edge of the bed, "I love you." She said wrapping Hank in a quick hug.

"I told him if you both get sleep tonight he can come sit in the office and catch up on his paperwork."

"Will said Monday."

"He needs to be with you and you cannot take any time off work." He said releasing Erin and pushing her into her bedroom.

"You sure?"

"No. But at least that way I can keep eyes on both of you."

"Hank?"

"Yeah Kid?"

"Thanks for not giving up on me."

"I could say the same thing to you." He told her before pushing her into her bedroom.

Erin walked into her room and flipped the door closed with her foot before walking to her dresser and pulling out an old tshirt and sweats. She quickly changed and went over and sat down on the bed next to her partner. "I am not ready for our one day yet...but when I am I need to know that you will be ready too."

"I think it is pretty obvious that the thought of not spending the rest of my life with you freaks me out." Jay said dryly.

"You want to sleep in that or change first?" She said sitting down next to him.

"This is fine." Jay said, obviously preoccupied with another thought.

"Talk Halstead."

"I am going to need help taking a shower in the morning." He mumbled.

"I can go ask Hank if he will help you." Erin said sarcastically as she got up and crossed the room to turn off the light.

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Where else am I going to go?" Erin asked with a sad smile putting her hand on Jays arm. "Come on, get under the blanket and go to sleep." She said crawling to the other side and laying down.

He slowly laid down and made himself comfortable, laying on his side facing her. "I have had a hard time sleeping since Nadia was killed." Jay told her.

"I read your text messages."

"I know."

"You aren't mad?"

"Nope... Makes it so I don't have to talk about it."

"With your PTSD...especially now...are you sure it is a good idea for you to be at work?"

"No but I would be ten times worse at home...our family...you...Mouse...it's not a choice Erin. I just never really dealt with stuff when it happened and it is catching up on me...getting abducted didn't help matters."

"Will you talk to someone?"

"If you will."

"Hank says I already have to...starting tomorrow."

"Can you...I really just want to feel you." Jay said staring into Erin's eyes. She gave a simple nod and he scooted over closer to her. "It hurts to move."

Erin held out her arm and curled herself around him, holding him gently to her chest, "Try to sleep through it." She whispered into his ear. Feeling him blink his eyes closed against her arm she held him a little tighter.

He fell asleep quickly and Erin pulled her phone out and called Will, "Start talking..."


	13. Chapter 13

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _He fell asleep quickly and Erin pulled her phone out and called Will, "Start talking..."_

"Really? Just like that? Because that is basically impossible." Will answered sarcastically.

"You are way more affected by this than I thought you would be, he has hardly talked to you in the last few years and now..."

"Not everything is mine to share...and it's not really easy to talk about all the shit."

"Not asking you to give me your life story, just want to know why you...tonight..." She wasn't quite sure how to phrase the look she saw in his eyes.

"Why I started balling to the point I probably should not have driven back to the apartment?" He blurted out, shocking the heck out of her.

"Will? If I would have known then..."

"Then you would have made me stay and it would have been ten times worse."

"How would it have been worse?"

"Since we were kids...I have almost lost Jay more than..." He answered his voice cracking and cutting off.

"You didn't lose him and that is only part of what is going on, you are worried about him...and you were before he was taken."

"Him and Mouse...they barely made it back...parts of them didn't...but when Jay was with you I saw some of that...the parts of him I haven't seen in years...being a Ranger...he had to do a lot...it changed him...then when Ben was killed...and Allie left. I grieved losing the brother that I grew up with, the class clown...the all America golden boy...it is weird to see that side of him again and I missed it...I missed him."

"When I left you lost him again."

"Mouse kept him from...I didn't realize how close they were but even with having someone to talk to his PTSD came at him hard...hearing his nightmares through the wall...knowing I couldn't make them stop..." Erin sighed, there was so much she didn't know about her partner. "I don't know how many times he can bounce back...and all I want is to have my brother back...with his stupid jokes and cheesy grin..." Erin could tell he was crying and it broke her heart.

Running her fingers through his brothers hair as he lay sleeping next to her she knew what she had to do. "I want to see more of this brother of yours, he sounds like a really awesome guy."

"I wish it didn't affect me as much as it does but..."

"He is your brother." She finished for him. "And you are his, he hates that he hurt you."

"He told you that?"

"Didn't need to." Erin said, knowing exactly how it felt to unintentially hurt the people you love the most. They fell into a silence and Erin listened as Wills crying ceased as he relaxed. "Are you at his apartment?"

"MmmHmm." He acknowledged.

"Will you go into his bedroom and turn on the DVD player?" Erin asked. Hearing him shuffling around she smiled, "You have it on yet?" She asked hearing the music start to play from the speakers.

"Peter Pan?"

"It's one of our favorites. Everyone has a shadow..."

"Lost boys and all that...thanks Erin...for calling. I don't have anyone here other than Jay...it's tough sometimes."

"I keep telling you we are family."

"Haven't had a very good family experience."

"Well it is time to change that."

"Call me if he needs anything." Will said sniffling.

"You call if you need anything Will, and this conversation is only just beginning." Erin told him as silence set in. "Try to sleep tonight...and if you can't Jay has Aladdin in the drawer of his side table."

"Night Sis." Will said hanging up the phone with a small smile. His brother was completely gaga over his partner...Aladdin in his side table...really?

After Erin hung up the phone she ran her fingers through her partners hair before detangling herself from him. She kissed him gently on the temple before whispering, "I will be just down the hall." Jay woke up just enough to nod his head.

She walked first to Hanks bedroom only to find the door still open and bed empty before going down to his study where she found him asleep in his chair. She tiptoed over to him and sat down on his lap, leaning her head against his shoulder, waking him gently.

"What's wrong?" He asked sleepily.

"Sometimes a girl just needs a hug from her Old Man."

"You havent done this since you were 17." He said as he wrapped his arms around her.

"I miss them." Erin whispered. "Camille would have known how to make this easier."

"Nothing makes losing a best friend easier." Hank graveled.

"Do you think she would be mad at me?"

"Of course." Hank answered gruffly before kissing her gently in her hair and whispering, "But that would never make her love you any less." He felt his daughter start to cry and held her tight to him. "You should never doubt how proud and how much your Mom...Camille and I...love you."

"I almost got Jay killed...Nadia is dead...Bunnie just wants me as a pawn...I keep waiting for withdrawals to hit and they aren't...nothing but headaches anyway...I keep expecting the urge to get a fix and I don't have it...I feel like I am wound so tight I am going to explode. I need Jay as much as he needs me but I am scared you will get mad again...I'm also scared when he sees what I have done he will run...I just I can't...I can't keep it together anymore. It just all hurts so bad." Erin sobbed.

"Kid look at me...I mean really look..." Hank said taking her face and moving it so she was staring into his eyes, "A day didn't go by without him asking if I heard from you, without him having Mouse ping your phone, him driving by your apartment...I haven't seen a love like that in a long time, he knew exactly what you were doing and he didn't once waiver in his missing you. And the withdrawals aren't coming if they haven't yet and if you ever get the urge you have people around you who will fully support you to get through it." Hank promised her, "And what happened to Nadia...her being murdered, that is NOT on you. It is okay to miss her...but it is not okay to keep blaming yourself for everything bad that has ever happened to you." When he was done he let go of her and she laid her head back onto his shoulder and he rested his head against hers.

"Will you go up and sleep in your room?" Erin asked him after a few minutes. "I sleep better when I know you are on the other side of the wall." He nodded his head slowly and she stood up. "Thank you." She smiled at him as he stood up, putting his arm around her shoulder he led her up to her bedroom.

Crawling into bed she smiled when Jay rolled towards her, "Have anyone else you need to check on?" He whispered.

"Just my Partner."

"No secrets. When you need to make sure my Brother is okay just do it, you don't have to wait till I am asleep...and if you need to talk to Hank or check on him or get a hug from him or whatever I get it...he is your Dad...just let me be here for you too. I can handle the messy side of you too."

"I just want you to heal and be better...I didn't want to make you feel like..."

"I love you...all of you...good and the bad. Nothing will change that." He whispered putting his arm over her waist.

"Will you hold me tonight?"

"Only if you hold me."

"He isn't going to let you stay here forever."

"And you will go back to your apartment at some point too."

"I don't want to be alone."

"Don't worry about that now. Just focus on what it is that you need to focus on and we will figure out the rest when we get there." Jay yawned as he snuggled closer into Erin, "Sleep now. Work in the morning." He mumbled, already back in his drug induced slumber. Erin relaxed and closed her eyes but it wasn't until she heard Hanks snore through the wall that she was able to fall asleep.

They were woken up in the morning with Hank sticking his head in the room, "Leaving now. Erin you will be at your desk within two hours." Hank said with a smile, he wanted to be the tough guy, but he was so damn happy to have his daughter back nothing else mattered.

"Good morning to you too." Erin groaned, she never was much of a morning person. Hank chuckled and shut the door behind him, "How you feeling?" Erin asked as she rolled to face her partner.

"Sore as hell." He grimaced as he sat up.

"I think you should listen to Will and stay home til Monday..."

Unable to fight the fear that was welling up inside him at the thought he bolted upright only to let out a whimper of pain as it seared through his ribs, "I can't stay alone." He whispered.

"How are you going to sit at a desk all day when you can hardly sit up in bed? God Jay, I want you with me but I need you to heal so you can really be there with me."

"If it gets too much you can take me home at lunch." Jay said, his eyes pleading with her.

"Bring your meds with you. You can start with Aleve but if I tell you to take a Norco..."

He took two Aleve before they left the house and by ten Erin could see his grimace with every breath he took. "Lindsay! My office now." Voight called from his desk causing everyone to look up. Erin got up and walked into the office closing the door behind her. "Did you bring his meds with you?" He asked, she nodded. "Give him one and go drive around."

"I could just take him home." She said rolling her eyes."Pretty sure driving around is frowned upon."

"He won't rest if he is alone and you cannot take time off."

"I can bring a laptop and do paperwork or something if I take him home." Erin crossed her arms defiantly.

"Your ass will be in your seat no later than two."

"Got it."

"You will be going to a meeting tonight."

"You takin me?"

"No. Will is going to do another check in Halstead, he shouldn't be grimacing sitting at his desk." Hank said as he dismissed her, "Two o'clock."

"Halstead you're with me." Erin said walking out of the office and through the pen. Jay got up slowly and followed her out and down the stairs. By the time they reached the car, Hanks car, his face was beat red and he was fighting for breath. Erin handed him a water bottle and a Norco after he was seated, "Shut up and take it."

The lack of argument as he swallowed the pill showed Erin just how much pain he was actually in and she felt a tightness in her chest. She drive quickly through town to the house and led him in. He looked up at the stairs and back to her before sighing, "I need help." He whispered, barely making a sound.

Erin put her arm around his waist and let him lean into her, it took nearly five minutes for him to reach her bedroom. "Shirt off." She commanded as he sat down on the edge of the bed. She traced her way across his chest, around each burn and bruise memorizing the size and shape of each. "Where is the worst?" She asked and he pointed to his ribs on the right side. "Lay down for me." She instructed before walking over to her desk and pulling out some Chinese peppermint oil, I can't use this by the burns but we can try it here...between that and the medicine it may help."

He watched her as she concentrated, rubbing small circles all across his body, as the meds began to work his eyes struggled to focus, "Sleep. When I am done I am going to go get the laptop from the study and then I will be back in here." She promised. He nodded his head and closed his eyes.

She continued to massage her way around his body until his lips parted and she knew he was asleep. Kissing his lips softly she whispered, "Someday...someday soon we can be together." When he didn't stir she got up slowly and went down to Hanks study to grab the computer.

On the desk she found a note scribbled by Hank, 'Lunch is in the fridge, make sure you both eat.' She pulled out her phone smiling, 'He is asleep, using your laptop, thanks for lunch.' She texted her Dad before going back upstairs.

Finding Jay in the same place she left him she sprawled across the bed on her stomach and opened up the laptop and got to work. He didn't start to stir until after noon. He rolled so he was closer to her and flopped his arm over her body, it took him another half hour before he opened his eyes and looked at her. "When you are ready to get up there is lunch in the fridge."

"I sleep better with you."

"You sure it's not the drugs?"

"No nightmares with you." He clarified.

"You don't have to go back with me if you want to stay here and rest. I am going to a meeting after work and Hank said Will was going to come check you out again after his shift."

Jay stared at her for a minute, "I'm proud of you." He whispered. "You are so strong...with everything...you take care of me...of our family...it is about time you took care of yourself too."

"He told me I was going." Erin mumbled.

"Yes but you didn't argue." He said smiling as he sat up. Erin flipped the laptop shut and followed Jay down to the kitchen. When they finished eating they went out and Erin drive them back to the station. She was seated back at her desk a half hour early.

That night when Erin got home from her meeting she found Jay and Hank sitting in the living room, television on and both sleeping. She had to admit it was weird to see the two so relaxed in each other's presence but she loved it, it made her anxiety practically melt away. If only she didn't have to deal with Bunnie...

Walking over to Hank she brushed her hand on his cheek, "Go up to bed." She whispered.

"What time is it?" He asked her looking over at Jays sleeping form.

"Little after nine, I stayed and went to dinner with a couple of Nadia's friends after the meeting."

"You good?"

"No...but I'm getting there." She answered honestly.

"You able to get him into bed?" He asked as he stood up.

"Yeah, go get some sleep." Erin answered before walking over to Jay and gently picking up his hand, "Come on Buddy, time for an actual bed." She said to him before calling over her shoulder, "When did he have meds last."

"Had Aleve at eight." Hank answered, "Something about magic oil you used...he said it helped. Didn't want the details."

Rolling her eyes, Erin led Jay up the stairs. "Any chance you will you more of that magic oil tonight?" Jay asked her with a twinkle in his eye as he took off his shirt and jeans.

"You're pushing your luck here Halstead." Erin smiled, "But we may be able to arrange something."

"Hank said I can go home tomorrow." Jay told her, "We want you to focus on you..."

"Nice if you two to decide for me." Erin said crossing her arms, she wasn't really mad but she hated that they had to talk about her at all.

"Do you know what it was like for us? Scared you would OD or get in a wreck or whatever...it has been the hardest three weeks of my life...and that is saying a lot cuz I havent exactly had it easy."

"I am fine." Erin said, fighting the tears.

Jay got up and walked towards her, placing a hand on each of her arms, "You aren't fine...and that is okay. We will get there together, I may not be staying with you in your childhood bedroom with my boss on the other side of the wall, but I will be here every step of the way." When the tears finally spilled over Jay wrapped his arms around her and despite the pain in his ribs he pulled her tight into him. "Partners Lindsay, and someday..."

"Someday soon." Erin said wiping her tears with her hand and looking up at him, "Someday soon."

"Now... About that oil..." Jay smirked at her.

"Thin walls Halstead." They heard Hank growl through the wall causing both of them to laugh.

"Not healed enough for that Sarge." Jay hollered back with a laugh.

"Jay!" Erin squeezed slapping his shoulder before walking to the dresser and picking up the bottle of oil.


	14. Chapter 14

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"Now... About that oil..." Jay smirked at her._

 _"Thin walls Halstead." They heard Hank growl through the wall causing both of them to laugh._

 _"Not healed enough for that Sarge." Jay hollered back with a laugh._

 _"Jay!" Erin squeeled slapping his shoulder before walking to the dresser and picking up the bottle of oil._

The next day Erin took Jay home, surprised to find Will already there watching a hockey game on the television. "What? No Peter Pan?" Jay asked with a genuine smile as he made his way to the couch.

"Why do you smell like mout hash?" Will asked when he sat down next to him.

"Pepermint oil. He says it works better than the meds. Has only had Aleve today." Erin said walking into the kitchen and pulling a couple beers out of the fridge before sitting down between the brothers on the couch. She handed one to Will before taking a sip of the second bottle.

"Come on? No beer for me? I haven't even had meds today!" Jay pouted.

Erin looked at Will with a smirk before turning to Jay, "Just a taste." She instructed.

"What are you doing this weekend?" Will asked when a commercial came on.

"Have to go see Bunny..." Erin mumbled.

Jays head sprung over so fast he could have gotten whiplash, "You can't..." He whispered.

"Gotta cut ties...she won't stop blowing up my phone and she is still in my apartment."

"You want me to go with you?"

"Jay..."

"I'm serious...I can't lose you again and..." Seeing the panic in his eyes Erin pulled him into her, "You can't see her...I can't..."

"Christ Jay." Erin said as he clung to her.

"Uhhh...what's the problem?" Will asked slightly confused.

"Bunnie and I are done. I am done with that life...Jay I just have to do this in person." Erin tried to explain. She took the beer from his hand and Will took it from her, setting it on the table. She scooted a little closer to Will and Jay curled himself up onto the couch and her as she held him close, his head resting on the shoulder that was closest to his brother. "I am here Jay and Im not going anywhere." She promised him as she held his head tight into her.

"I can't lose you." He whispered as his eyes slipped closed, Erin sliding her thumb over his eye brow relaxing him instantly.

"Not going anywhere." She whispered to him. As she held him she could feel him relax into her as he fell asleep and she shifted her attention back to the game on the tv. She felt Will put his arm around her as he rested his hand on His brother and she turned to look at him.

"I've never seen anyone have such a calming effect on him." He said with a sad smile.

"He wouldn't need calming if it wasn't for me." Erin deadpanned.

"You telling me you never saw him upset before this?"

"Not like this." Erin said with a small smile as her partner let out a quiet snore as he snuggled further into her.

"We have been through a lot...he has been through too much...and I have never seen him go from panic to sleep like you just did...not even Mom could get him to relax like that hen he was little."

"Will you call Hank and tell him I am staying here tonight?" When Will cocked his head to the side Erin smiled, "I'm not going to be making my curfew...house arrest remember?"

"Why don't you call him?"

"He won't yell at you." She smiled again, "I promised Jay I wasn't going anywhere..." She said as she gave puppy dog eyes to him.

"Whatever." Will said as he pulled out his phone calling Hank. Erin could only hear parts of what her Dad said, but was surprised that instead of anger towards her for not following through with one of his conditions he was more concerned with Her partner. She listened as Will went into doctor mode explaining his fear and how he reacted to her better than any medications that he could ever shove down his throat. When he hung up he turned to her, "You were scared of that?"

"No... The Hank you talked to...he isn't the same Hank I get when I am breaking curfew." Erin laughed.

"Whatever." Will smirked as he handed Erin her beer while picking up his own, "At least now I have someone to watch the game with.

They watched the game together in companionable silence and when it was over he began to flip channels until he settled on the old movie Yours, Mine and Ours. "This was our Moms favorite movie...Pretty sure she was in love with Henry Fonda." Will told her.

Erin adjusted in the couch and he moved so she could lean into him and he rested his arm on her shoulder. "Was one of Camille's favorites too." Jays head slid down her arm, finding its resting spot against her stomach and she adjusted again so she was more comfortable and so Jay wasn't in such an awkward position.

When it got to the part of the movie where she found out she was pregnant she felt Will lean against her, "Tired Halstead?" She asked leaning her head against his arm.

"Finally relaxed." He told her with a sleepy smile.

"You want me to take him into bed so you can lay down?"

"Nah, let him sleep." He answered a little too quickly, now awake again.

"Do you want to use his room?" Erin asked quietly.

"It's nice to be with family." Will answered with a suddenly gravely voice.

"You ready to finish our conversation?" She asked turning to face him, her looking at him caused the tears he was fighting to keep buried to spill out and he just shook his head. "Whatever is going through your head right now...we've all got baggage. We help carry each other...just took me a while to see that...don't want it to take you as long."

Erin pulled her knee up to support Jays head against her before reaching her arm up and around to pull Wills head against hers, she knew Jay woke up at the movement and was listening to what she was saying but he kept his eyes closed and stayed still. "Since high school...well right after...I have pretty much been on my own...when Mom...there was no one keeping us together...I dealt with things very different than Jay...when I tried to reconnect with him it was after his time over seas...the brother I knew...he was gone so I kinda spaced out...stayed in New York...but it was never home." Will spilled.

Taking in a deep steadying breath, "When I got offered the job here I took it...figured it was a chance to get to know who my new brother was...but when I saw him with you it was Jay again...smart ass punk...but it was weird...then when Nadia died...you left...it was like losing him all over again. All he did was work...or spend time with Mouse checkin up on you or the rest of your team...Hell, I would hear him on the phone at night checkin in with Voight and Dawson...then he would call Mouse...talked in code with that kid, if they even talked at all..." Erin pulled her knee up, squeezing Jay closer to her and felt him hug his arm around her as Will talked about him.

"When I got the call that he was taken...and then that you got him back...I don't want to lose what little family I have left but it's not like I can say all that to him...we've never talked like that...not even when we were kids...wasn't allowed. I just...you remind me so much of our Mom...and when I see you taking care of him...I miss having a family...then you said we were family...I just...it's a lot to process." He said sucking in a shaky breath.

"We are family Will. And you and Jay need to have that conversation at some point...he needs his brother just as much as you need yours." Erin told Will.

"Maybe more." Jay mumbled, reaching his hand up and holding Wills arm causing Will to stiffen.

"We will find a way to get through, we always do." Erin said nudging Will in his side.

"I need to lay down in a bed." Jay said sitting up, Will sucked in his breath and nodded, trying not to lose it. He got up and walked gingerly to his bedroom, squeezing Erin's shoulder on his way...wordlessly asking her to take care of his brother.

Erin nodded and gave a sad smile moving to face Will when Jay swung the door to his room closed. "I am fine." He tried to tell her, failing miserably.

"No...no you aren't...but you will be." She told him as she put her arm around his shoulder. He crumbled into her and while she didn't feel any tears she felt him shake against her. She held him through the rest of the movie before saying anything, just allowing him to express his grief, anger, sadness, confusion and loneliness that he had obviously been keeping to himself for far too long.

As his breathing relaxed and returned to normal she felt him stiffen, embarrassed about his breakdown and he tried to straighten up but Erin just pulled him closer to herself, "Don't shut me out." She whispered into his ear as he relaxed his head back onto her shoulder.

Letting go of him gently she let him sit back up so he could look at her, he looked exhausted. Erin reached over and grabbed the Fleece Blackhawks blanket from under the coffee table and scooted so she was on the far side of the couch, "Lay down." She instructed putting a pillow on her lap. Once he curled his legs up onto the couch she flipped the blanket over him and ran her fingers through his hair, "I used to do this to Teddy when he was little." She told him, "It always helped him to relax and go to sleep."

"Thank you." Will whispered to her before closing his eyes.

"You need an alarm set?" She asked him as she brushed a hair from his forehead.

"Have one." He mumbled sleepily. "Take care of my brother."

"One Halstead at a time." Erin smiled, "Next time you need...this...just say something."

"When you get straight and marry my brother...I will be very happy to have you as my sister." Will said without opening his eyes.

"Good to know Halstead...good to know." She whispered back, feeling the weight of his head on her lap. She held him for a few more minutes before sliding out from under him and setting his head into the couch. She tucked the blanket around him and flipped off the tv before going into the bedroom.

"Thank you." She heard as soon as she stepped through the door. "I had no idea he was..."

"It has been a rough week for everyone...it will get easier."

"Erin...I love that you are taking care of me...and Will...but you need to take care of you too."

"Being with the people who care about me...that is taking care of me...and tomorrow when I tell Bunnie to move out...that is too. I'm going to be staying with Hank...but I need to tell her to go."

"Can you come back when you are done?"

"I may be able to arrange that." Erin said crawling into Jays bed.

"This going to be our last night together?"

"For a while."

"Can we still go out?"

"I don't see why not." Erin said gently laying her head on his chest.

"I want things to be normal again."

"I want to make a new normal."

"Will you still be here when I wake up?"

"Told Bunnie I would be home at ten. Told Hank I would be home for dinner."

"Scrabble for lunch?"

"Don't think you are ready for that quite yet." Erin said squeezing her arm around him earning a painful grunt in response, "Soon." She said with a yawn as she fell asleep.

She awoke to the sound of Will showering and finding Jay still sound asleep she rolled out of bed and went into the kitchen starting a pot of coffee. When Will came back into the kitchen Erin wordlessly handed him a lot of coffee. "Caffeine help with the headaches?" He asked her and she nodded, "They pretty bad?"

"Getting better."

"Don't know how you are going cold turkey."

"Not my first go around."

"Hopefully the last." He said squeezing her shoulder, "Thanks Sis." He said raising his mug in a salute as he walked out the door.

Erin gulped the rest of her coffee before setting the mug on the counter and going back into the bedroom and curling herself around her partner where she quickly fell back to sleep.

Jay woke her up with a kiss at nine and she slowly got up and ready. She shrugged on one of Jays hoodies before walking out the door. "I will be back soon." She promised him as she walked out.

She was dreading going back to the apartment, afraid of what she would find...of who she would find. When she walked in she found two people passed out on her couch and her Mother in her bedroom passed out on the bed. She turned around and went into Nadia's room, thankful that Bunnie had at least respected her enough to stay out of there.

Turning around and closing the door behind her she went and plopped down on her bed. "You need to be out of here tonight. Go home. You have a husband. A job."

"Fine. Did you want to go out this weekend?"

"Working Mom...kinda used up all my vacation...and money."

"I don't like you working with him...he is too controlling...he brainwashes you Honey..."

"It is my job Mom...he is my Boss."

"He is going to take you away from me again."

"HE isn't going to do anything. I am going back to work and need to get back to normal."

"So I will see you next weekend?" Bunnie asked her climbing out of bed.

"I will be working."

"Call me tomorrow. I love you Honey." She said walking into the living room, dragging up the two girls from her couch.

When they were gone Erin put her head in her hands and cried. What had happened to her life? Her best friend was dead, she nearly destroyed her life, threw away everything that was important to her. Pushed everyone away. All she wanted was to be curled up on the couch watching cheesy movies with her best friend, helping her to study to become a member of her CPD family.

She was interrupted from her sobbing when she was scooped up into someone's arms, when she opened up her eyes to the soft brown ones of Antonio, "Why are you here by yourself?" He asked her once she calmed down.

"Told Bunnie to leave."

"I miss her too." Antonio told her nodding her head to Nadia's bedroom.

"It all seems so messed up."

"I missed you too."

"What are you doing here?" Erin said straightening up.

"Hank said you were going to come by here..."

"You didn't have to come check on me."

"And you didn't have to take care of all the rest of us."

"Thanks Tonio."

"You want help getting this place cleaned up?"

"Nah...just came back here to get a few things. Going to be staying with Hank for a while."

"You stay with Halstead last night?"

"Yes."

"Voight was pacing in his office til Al kicked him out around ten."

"Not looking forward to that lecture...I had Will call him and tell him I was staying over."

With a chuckle Antonio shook his head, "Damn girl you are screwed."

Erin punched his shoulder and he feigned an injury, "You think I am ready to go back to work?"

"Yes." He said standing up, "Halstead and Voight need you there."

"I don't know if I can do it."

"None of us do."

"It is different for me."

"We stick together and we will get through." Antonio said standing up, "See you Monday."

"Hey Dawson?" She called after him, "I am going back to Jays before I go over to Hanks...can you let me know when he leaves the office?" After he nodded and left she got up and pulled her go bag from the closet and threw in a few changes of clothes and another pair of shoes before walking out of her apartment.

She plopped down on the couch and leaned her head against Jay's shoulder, "Dawson stopped by."

"Told you I'm not the only one who has your back."

"I don't want the kid gloves."

"None of us do."

"I use kid gloves with you?"

"On all of us...and we need them...just like you do."

"I guess...but I don't have to like it."

"Who says you don't have to like it?" Jay smirked at her, "I have certainly liked falling asleep with you and waking up next to you."

"Won't be able to do that for a while."

"Yeah yeah but I've got a preview of Someday and there is no way anything is going to keep me from that."

"Jay..." Erin said with tears in her eyes.

"We will be Partners first...til both of us get our legs back underneath us...then..."

"I need you as my friend." She said as a tear slid from her eye.

Jay pulled her over into his lap and held her into him, expecting pain but only feeling the electricity from having her touch once more. "Always."

When she finally went back to Hanks it was Jay who dropped her off, going in only long enough to get a pat on the back and to drop her bag in her room for her. He left her crying into Hanks shoulder wanting nothing more than to grab her from him and hold her himself. There were very few words shared between the two that first night and as soon as she had finished her dinner she went up and put herself to bed.

Hank stood in her doorway watching her as she slept, not believing his eyes that Halstead had managed to keep his promise and bring her back...though he doubted this was the way any of them had in mind. Three days, she had been clean for three days. The withdrawals, if they were coming would arrive at any time, he only hoped it would t be too severe, he had no idea what she had actually done during the three weeks Bunnie had sunken her claws into her. God he hated that woman.

Stepping out into the hallway he pulled out his phone and called her Partner, "She is asleep."

"Her head was bugging her this morning, Will said that she told him coffee helped."

"You up to work on Monday?"

"Ready now Sarge."

"Dinner tomorrow at six."

"Bring anything?"

"You already brought her."

"See you tomorrow." Jay said hanging up and setting his phone down with shaky hands.

"You need to calm the heck down." Will told him with a sideways smile.

"You're one to talk."

"I meant what I said last night."

"I know...you didn't think I was listening." Jay said sitting on his hands and rocking forward.

"It's been good to be back here."

"You making the move permanent?"

"Think so."

"Good."

"Good." Will echoed, "You should sleep too."

"Yeah..."

"Aladdin is still in your side table."

"God...she told you about that?"

"She reminds me of Mom."

"She's my best friend."

"Mouse get jealous?"

"Not as jealous as you did when I..." Jay smirked before Will threw a pillow at him.

"If you want me to clear you for Monday go to bed Jay."

"You can be a real pain in the ass sometimes." Jay said standing up and throwing the pillow back at his brother.

"Love you too." He said as he stretched out on the couch kicking his feet up.

Dinner the next night was awkward to say the least, none of them knew quite what to say or how to act around each other, bringing back a change to the old normal, a normal they would never really be able to return to, but came to out of habit. As Jay's bumps and bruises healed and Erin's monster headaches subsided they fell into a new step, a new beat.

As the days went by Hank relaxed on his house rules and the time frame Erin had to be home went from whenever she wasn't at work to only being home to sleep...which in turn meant time for the two to date, to hang out...to build a new relationship.

They had their share of bumps and bruises as the days progressed, especially with Bunnie constantly blowing up Erin's phone, but they always found a way to get through to the next minute, hour...day...week. Together. A true Chicago family.


	15. Chapter 15

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _They had their share of bumps and bruises as the days progressed, especially with Bunnie constantly blowing up Erin's phone, but they always found a way to get through to the next minute, hour...day...week. Together. A true Chicago family._

The case they were given...the little boy who was murdered and another kidnapped, it hit a bit too close to home for Jay and Antonio. When the team went out after the case was closed Erin noticed how close Mouse was sticking to Jay and it made her smile. She didn't quite understand their relationship but for Jay to stick his neck out to get him a place on their team she knew he was a good guy.

Hank knew Erin wouldn't be going home that night, and he didn't expect her to. He saw what happened to Jay after any cases involving kids...he was a protector...but after those cases it was him needing protection from himself. From the guilt he carried from those he was unable to save.

"Closing time fellas." Herman told them near two in the morning. Erin, Jay, Mouse and Adam were the only ones left in the place.

"Slumber party tonight guys?" Erin asked putting a hand on Adams shoulder. She was the only one sober enough to drive

"Been a minute since we've done that."

"Telling me want to be alone Rooooozek?" Jay slurred.

"Whatwhats a slumber party?" Mouse asked.

"Going back to Halsteads place. Sticking together for the night. I promise no pillow fights or anything like that." Erin smiled at him.

"Those are the best kinds though..." Jay whined. "Ooo we could play scrabble." He said attempting to jump up and almost falling in the process, Mouse catching and steadying him.

"Let's get your drunk ass home." He said looking at Erin.

"Do you get to stay with me tonight? I like it when you stay with me." Jay said as he swung his arm around Lindsay's shoulder causing Adam to burst out laughing hysterically.

"Haven't seen him this blazed in a few years." Mouse said with a smirk as he shoved his buddy into the front seat of Erin's car.

"You want me to drop you guys off or did you really want to crash out at Jays?"

"Back to his place if that's okay." Mouse said quietly, Adam nodding next to him.

"You are a part of the family Mouse, don't need to be shy with us." Erin told him, earning her a giant lopsided drunken smile from her partner. "You puke in my car Halstead and I will destroy you." Erin said with a head shake.

The drive to his apartment was quick and the four of them walked into the apartment, laughing at the drunken state of her Partner, making far too much noise for the hour as they walked in...forgetting Will was still camping out on the couch.

He popped his head up confused as he was awoken only to jump up seeing his brother stumbling around, "Damn Jay." He said getting up and walking towards the laughing foursome.

"We are gonna going to have a slumber paaaarrrrrttteeeeeee." Jay announced.

Shaking his head he looked at Erin questioningly, "Kid was murdered...another one kidnapped. Jay got him back." She explained.

"Shoulda saved him...little brother...sick..." Jay mumbled, "...sick...!" He said bolting for the bathroom.

Erin shook her head and went into the kitchen and got a glass of water as the other three stood in shock and she let herself into the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub next to the toilet. "Wouldn't have guessed you were a puker." She smirked when he finally lifted his head out of the toilet bowl.

"Kids make it hard." He said with tears in his eyes.

"Brush your teeth and drink this." Erin bossed, not moving as he got up and did what she had told him. "Go to bed Jay." She said with a sad smile.

"Stay with me tonight?" He asked as she followed him from the bathroom into his bedroom.

When he sat down on the edge of his bed Erin pulled his shirt off for him, throwing it towards his laundry basket. She pushed him to lay down on the bed and sat down next to him running her hand through his short hair, "Sleep Jay." She whispered. He closed his eyes and was asleep almost instantly and she got up and pulled off his shoes before tucking the blanket around him. She kissed his temple before walking back out into the living room finding the three guys sitting on the couch watching a replay of the game.

"Sorry for waking you up Will." She said squeezing herself between him and Adam.

"Thanks for babysitting his drunk ass." Will smiled. "These two said he didn't even drink that much."

"Told you he was a lightweight." Erin smiled. "Adam the air bed and blankets are in the closet."

"He's made me sleep on the couch when he has an air bed?" Will asked.

"Apparently." Adam smiled as he pulled it down from the shelf. "I can take the couch with Mouse if you want the bed."

Will shook his head, "Leaving for med in an hour."

"And I thought we had crazy hours." Mouse said taking his eyes off the tv.

"Where is Burgess tonight?" Erin asked.

"Doing something with Roman tonight." He answered with a shrug as he set the freshly blown up bed in front of the couch and leaned against Erin's legs.

"You been doing okay?" Erin asked running her fingers through his messy hair.

She knew Mouse and Will were watching her, seeing a side of her that they didn't really know, or at least Mouse didn't. "Better now that you are back." He whispered hooking his arm around her leg.

Erin tugged his hair gently making him look up at her, "Not gonna leave again." She promised. He nodded and leaned his head back on her leg, exhaustion setting in. With her running her fingers through his hair he quickly fell asleep.

"Jay said your team was a family when he brought me in...haven't really seen that other than you guys fighting like brother and sister." Mouse said.

"When Nadia was murdered..." Erin started.

"I know...Jay told me...spent a lot of time together the last few weeks." He told her.

"Yeah...thanks for..."

Will put his arm around Erin and pulled her into him, "You want to watch your movie?"

Erin nodded and leaned into him smiling when he flipped the tv onto Peter Pan. "Cartoon?" Mouse asked confused.

"That's what I said, my sister in law here knows her stuff though." Will chuckled. He sat and watched the first part of the movie watching as Mouse nodded off and feeling Erin lean heavier into him. When it was time for him to leave for his shift he gently woke Erin, "Go to bed, get some real sleep." He whispered to her, trying not to wake the others.

She nodded and squeezed his leg as she stood up laying Adam down onto the mattress and covering him with her favorite Blackhawk blanket. She draped a second blanket over Mouse before walking down the hall into Jays bedroom. She draped her arm around Jay and laid her head on the pillow as she heard the latch click on his front door.

She woke up to find Jays arm flopped across her stomach and hearing Adam and Mouse debating quite loudly as to whether hockey was better than baseball. Erin rolled to face Jay and brushed her fingers down his cheek, "How you feeling?"

"Hate when kids are involved." Jay answered.

"We do what we can."

"Sorry you had to babysit me."

"You've done the same for me."

"Hank know you stayed here?"

"Told me to take care of my Partner."

"Since Ben...I wasn't there to protect him...when they just get thrown away like trash...that is what Lonnie did to Ben..."

"We got him this time...you got him this time."

"There are more out there."

"You can't catch all the bad guys Halstead."

"I can try."

"And I will help." Erin said kissing his temple before standing up, "Diner for pancakes?"

Jay nodded and Erin walked to his closet and pulled out one of his Blackhawk shirts and traded the one she had on for it before snagging one of his hoodies and walking out into the living room, "Leave anything for me to wear?" Erin heard him ask but she ignored him.

"He hungover?" Mouse asked.

"Nah...pancakes at the diner sound good to you guys?" She answered. Adam smiled and started folding up the bed he had used and slipped his shoes back on. Erin walked around and rest her hand on Mouse's shoulder, "Survived your first slumber party." She said reaching over and picking up Wills empty beer bottle and dirty plate he left out and bringing them into the kitchen.

"You clean up after Will now?" Mouse asked her as he stood from the couch.

"Don't like messes."

"Me neither."

"Let's go." Jay said walking out of his room looking as sexy as ever, they all knew better though, this was his costume, his mask, and nothing about the last twenty four hours was okay. He just didn't want to focus on that and chose to mask it with designer jeans and eating pancakes.

The next few weeks were spent creating a new routine, as she proved herself and her sobriety to Hank he loosened he reigns. Erin was stepping back into her spot as a leader and they moved Mouse out of the tech zone in the basement and into their unit as he continued to prove his worth and claim his spot on their team.

Erin and Jay had taken up spending their evenings together after work, every day except Sunday, Sunday was reserved for time to spend with family. Erin did it as much for her as she did for Voight. He was alone, and it was getting close to the anniversary of Camilles death. It is amazing how quickly time passes for some things and drags on painfully slow for others.

After what happened on the anniversary last year Erin had planned ahead for this year. The entire unit was taking the day off work. They were going to get through the day together, as a family.


	16. Chapter 16

_This is a crossover for two of my stories-Never Lose Hope and Smile Through Tears. I know it is a bit (okay a lot...like a lot a lot) OOC but to me it isnt so much so that it becomes unbelievable. Oh and it is REALLY long because I couldnt decide how to split it up into multiple chapters._

 _Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _After what happened on the anniversary last year Erin had planned ahead for this year. The entire unit was taking the day off work. They were going to get through the day together, as a family._

Hank Voight woke up that morning before his alarm, he always did, but today of all days he wished he could just sleep through. It was harder every year, every day. He missed her, he missed his wife. He got out of bed slowly, picking up her bathrobe that was still slung over her chair and inhaled, her scent was long gone but he could still smell it, in his mind she was always there.

He knew Erin was on the other side of the bedroom wall listening to his every move, wanting to come in and try and make him feel better...but he knew she would wait, wait until after he had his time with her, wait like she did every year since Camille passed. He took a slow painfully hot shower before getting dressed and climbing into his truck and driving across town to the cemetery.

Standing with his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold the tears formed in his eyes that refused to fall. He was like a statue for hours before he finally whispered, "I don't know how to go on Cam...I need you...you kept me balanced...kept me from going over the edge...Little Daniel needs his Grammy...Justin...and Erin need their Mom...God...Cam I almost lost her again...I couldn't bring her back this time...Halstead...he was able to bring her back...the dumbass almost got himself killed in the process...if it hadn't have been for him we would have lost her...I already lost you Cam...I can't lose her too."

Sinking to his knees in the frozen grass, "I can't lose her Cam...I already lost you...can't lose our daughter..."

Erin jumped out of the car and ran up the hill just as her Dad dropped to the grass, "I'm not going anywhere." She said putting her hands on his shoulders, "Mom, I promise you I'm not going anywhere...it hasn't been easy since you've been gone...I need a mom...I tried to find that in Bunnie...she could never come anywhere near a Mother...I almost screwed up everything...I've pulled my head out of my ass though and I am good now...well...close to it. Dad has been amazing since Nadia was killed...I just didn't see it...I wish you were here with us but I know now that you are watching out for us...I hope Nadia found you up there."

As Erin was talking Hank sunk back against her and held his head in his hands. When she finished she knelt down behind him and put her arms around his shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere." She said leaning her head against his, "Come on, get up outta the grass." When he stood up she moved to his side and wedged herself under his arm and wrapped her arms around his waist.

She felt him shake as he cried and watched as the tears dripped from his chin without looking at his face, she didn't need to see the pure raw emotion written all over it when she already felt her own tears freely fall down her own. When Hank wiped his face with his hand and pulled her into him she knew now was time to go. "He drop you off or he waiting in the car?"

"We are meeting the family at the diner." Erin told him, scared that he would flip out, allowing Jay to be the one to have brought her to the cemetery this year...it has always just been the two of them, with Justin later in the day...when he was able.

"Family Huh?" He questioned as he wiped his eyes again.

"Today is a day for family...so yes." She said holding her hand out for the keys to his truck.

He slowly stuck his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled the keys out placing them in her hand, "You know, Halsteads not that bad of a driver."

"Really? You too?" Erin said rolling her eyes and shaking her head, "Besides, he gets to drive when we are off the clock."

"Christ Erin."

"Get in the truck old man." Erin said climbing into the driver seat and starting the engine.

Hank took his sweet time walking around the truck to the passenger side, taking one last long look at his wife's grave. "Thank you Cam." He whispered before climbing in next to their daughter.

Erin saw the tears back in his eyes when he got in and she reached over and took his shaking hand in hers, "I love you." When he looked at her he blinked, allowing the tears fall he gave a sad smile and nodded his head, not trusting his voice. She kept her hand on his as she drove to the run down old diner he loved on the outskirts of town, she smiled when she recognized the cars in the parking lot. She jumped out of the truck as soon as it was parked, expecting him to follow suit but he was still sitting in the same position when she walked around and opened the passenger door, "You coming?"

When he didn't respond she stepped up and sat half on him and half on the edge of the seat and wrapped her arms around him, she held his head into her shoulder as she felt his tears soak through her jacket, hearing Justin mumble and Little Daniel squeak Erin pulled back slightly with tears in her own eyes, "Dad, we have a surprise for you." She whispered reaching out her arm for her nephew. "Thought this year this Little Man might help get you through the day." She told him squeezing the squirmy little boy between them.

Hank looked at Daniel before looking up to Erin and finally out of the truck where Olive had her arm around Justin who looked like he was about to start crying himself. Erin climbed out of the truck and pulled her brother into a tight hug, "Thank you." Erin whispered into his ear before kissing him on what she found to be a wet cheek, "Haven't seen you cry in a long time Justin."

"Never seen Pop like this..." Justin answered squeezing his sister tighter into him, "You've always been here for us...for me...didn't really get it til now."

Hearing Hank laugh as Daniel squealed again Erin turned from her brother to face their dad, "After we eat we will all go back out to the cemetery, then back home and watch old home movies." She announced.

Hank climbed down from the truck and pulled Justin into a one armed embrace, "You didn't have to come up."

"Only for the night Pops, I miss Mom and wanted Danny to be around family...plus Erin threatened to go to my CO...who I might add apparently had already talked to Halstead before I even had the chance to ask him about leave...I have to be back tomorrow night." Justin told him as he wiped his face of the few tears he allowed to fall.

"Camille was amazing Hank, we were able to be here this year and this is right where we needed to be." Olive smiled to her father in law, Hank let go of Justin and turned to her kissing her gently on the cheek, again not trusting his voice.

He turned back to Erin, and with tears in his eyes he tried, "You did this?" When Erin nodded Hank took her in a bone crushingly tight embrace and whispered, "I don't know how to thank you."

"You can start by getting your ass in the diner where it is warm." Erin smirked, "Then you can thank Jay...him and Mouse served with Justin's CO so he arranged leave so J could be home this year."

Erin pulled out of his embrace and wiped the tears from his face, "We all miss her, but she would be damn proud to see us all this year. Damn proud." Hank stared at his daughter and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath before opening his eyes again and nodding.

"What do ya think Buddy? You want to try some of the best pancakes in the county?" Hank said to Daniel, who answered in a slobbery squeal. "Pancakes it is." Hank chuckled as he headed into the diner.

Seeing Justin hold back Erin hung back with him, "Is Pop okay?" He asked her.

"He misses his wife...his best friend...what he thought his family should look like...he never let himself grieve before...he hasn't been okay for a long time." Erin said putting her arm around her brother again. "Come on, let's get some of those pancakes." Erin said bumping her head against his shoulder.

Erin pulled out her phone as she got to the table, her family and her Chicago family all sitting around the table together and she snapped a photograph. If that wasn't a good enough reason to stay clean she didn't know what would be. She sat down in one of the glittery red chairs between Jay and Hank and felt Jay put his arm around her shoulder and she allowed him to pull her into him as he kissed her cheek. One of the first displays of affection either of them had dared in front of Hank since he apparently gave the okay to Jay.

"Family today huh?" Hank rolled his eyes at his daughter earning a cheeky grin.

"Ordered pancakes when I saw you guys park, they should be out any second." Jay said.

"You gonna share the kid Voight or have you become a baby hog?" Al asked his best friend.

"He has his Grandmas eyes." Antonio said with a sad smile.

Lifting his grandson up over his head Hank smiled, "He does, doesn't he?"

"He has her attitude too Pops." Justin smiled.

"You sure it was her attitude?" Antonio questioned earning a laugh from Kevin and Adam.

Erin laughed, "You guys would have been shocked, She could put Hank in his place with just a look...or like two words..."

"Random words too...shikaakwaa or wild something...didn't even make sense...what was it that she used to say?" Justin asked.

"Wild onion." Hank answered, instantly getting tears in his eyes at the memory.

"How Chicago got its name...Shikaakwaa meant wild onions." Adam mused.

"How the heck did you know that?" Erin asked flipping her head towards Adam.

"Academy...Chicago's history...how long has it been since you went through?" He smirked.

"Cam always loved history...the way should would say it...the glint in her eyes...instead of being pissed I would start laughing...she has been using that against me since we were kids." Hank said sniffing his nose and starring up at the ceiling.

"I met her once when I was a kid...wish I would have really known her though." Adam said.

"You a lucky man Hank...to get a love like that...doesn't come along everyday." Kevin said.

"You're right about that." Al said, "And now you have a grandson who I have yet to get to hold." Al said reaching over and taking Daniel from Hanks arms.

Erin put her arm around her dads shoulders and pulled him towards her, "Family and pancakes." She smiled as giant plates of pancakes were seat down in front of everyone. When they all finished eating they sat there in silence as Hank looked around the table at those who had become his family over the years and his blood family. He had a difficult time fighting back his tears and everyone knew it.

"Erin, why don't you and Justin take Hank back up to the cemetery." Al suggested. "Halstead will make sure Olive and Daniel get there and we will meet you there in a bit."

"Whatdoya think Pops? Been a few since I have been out there." Justin said kissing Olive in the cheek before standing up and walking towards his Dad, ruffling Daniels hair as Al held him when he walked past.

With Erin and Justin on either side of him Hank shakily stood up wordlessly. Justin saw how shaky his dad's legs were and put his arm around him and led him out to the truck. Erin knew how bad Hank was last year but she was sure this year was even harder for him and she was thankful that Jay had been able to get Justin there. After Hank was in Justin climbed in the back and scooted to the middle and put his hand on Erin's shoulder, squeezing gently. She knew it scared him to see his dad like this, Hank had always tried to shield him from his pain, tried to protect him. Erin leaned her cheek against her brothers hand and quickly turns around to look at him. "We are family. We will always be a family." Erin promised Justin...and Hank.

The drive back to the cemetery was quick and she parked under the tree a few feet from the grave, they usually parked further away and walked, but she knew he just wasn't up for it. The whole drive Hank was like a statue, barely breathing, fighting to contain his overwhelming grief. Erin climbed out of the truck and walked around to the passenger side as Justin climbed out. She went to reach in and grab the blanket he kept on the backseat but Justin enveloped her into a bone crushing hug. "I'm glad you are my sister." He whispered to her, causing tears to spring to her eyes. "I haven't always been the best at showing that."

"I know you love me." Erin smirked as a single tear slid from her eye.

Justin wiped the tear with his thumb and pulled her tight again, "Neither one of us would be here if it weren't for you...thank you."

"Gah! You have me crying and we haven't even gotten to her stone yet."

"he make it?" Justin asked as Erin pulled away and grabbed the blanket before closing the door behind her, she was thankful for it being an uncharacteristically warm and dry fall day.

Erin nodded sadly before opening up Hanks door. She saw his eyes move to look at hers and she knew he was putting all his faith into her once again. He needed her more in that moment than she ever needed him as a teen. She reached across and unhooked his seatbelt and tapped his legs, spinning him so he could step out of the truck. He turned to look at her again and she got right in his face and kissed his cheek, "Together." She whispered into his ear. He was beyond exhausted between the lack of sleep and overwhelming grief she knew that his body was fighting not to shut down.

Justin watched in awe how Erin was able to control his father, the blind trust he had in her...he had never understood their bond, how angry his dad would get growing up if he had ever said that she was not real family...now as Erin led his dad up the hill, holding only his pinky, letting go only when they reached the stone. Erin spread the blanket and Hank collapsed down on it, she sat down behind him as the tears poured from his eyes and the guttural moans tore from his soul.

Erin tried to focus her attention on her Brother, "Talk to her J, she knows we are here, I can even smell her perfume when I breathe in." Erin said soothingly as she took over exaggerated breathes, Hank mimicking her as he leaned back against her. She had done it again, calmed him near instantly. Justin looked from his Dad to the stone, to Erin and back to the stone, "Just tell her what is in your heart...tell her about Daniel." Erin urged as she leaned her head into Hanks.

"She would be so proud of you." Hank said looking over at his son. Erin reached her hand out and pulled Justin down so he was sitting on the blanket with them. Hank, exhausted closed his eyes as he rest his head against Erin's, "She would have made one hellova Grandma." He slurred.

After watching Justin stare at the stone with glassy eyes for a few more minutes, feeling the full weight of Hanks head on her shoulder as his body gave into the exhaustion she put her hand on Justin's back, "When we come here I thank her for making me her daughter when she didn't have to...for giving me the family I never thought I deserved...I promise her that I will always be here...for Hank...for you...and now for Daniel and Olive."

With Erin rubbing his back Justin stared at the name on the stone, "I'm sorry for not making it out here sooner...I screwed up Mom...bad...but I am trying to make things right now...I am going to be the kind of dad that Daniel deserves...God I miss you Mom...every time he does something new...I wish you could see him...hold him...hold me...I need you Momma..." Justin said, his voice cracking as he cried.

Erin scooted so that Hank's head slid down onto her lap and she pulled Justin Against her, "You will always have me." Erin said as she held her little brother, the same way she did at the funeral all those years earlier. "I know I am not the same as Mom...but I will always be here to protect you."

"When she got sick you took over what she did...you helped me get dressed...made me food...took me to school...the morning she died...you did the same thing then you went back home and took care of him..."

"We took care of each other Justin."

"This..." Justin waved his arm around, "is way past just taking care of each other."

"How many times have you had to help Pop...like this?"

"Last year...and today." Erin answered. "After his Buddy was killed last year...the day was finally too much for him to keep in anymore."

"You have been coming out here with him every year though."

"Used to be that we came out here, paid respects, little hug then off to work."

"Why did it hit so hard last year?"

"You both turned your sadness to anger...shut out everyone until it blew up in your faces."

"He sleeping?" Justin asked getting where she was going without needing to hear it.

"Yeah." Erin said running her hand across his stubble covered cheek. "When Nadia died..."

"Rest of your team saw him cry before me?"

"They were here last year, saw the aftermath...but him and Jay...when I lost it...they were there for each other...I don't know what happened between the two of them but something definitely changed...they have a weird bromance thing going on or something."

"I should have been here."

"Justin since you went to boot camp you have been exactly where you needed to be."

"I could have helped you."

"It took Jay almost getting killed for me to pull my head out of my ass...nothing you could have done would have changed anything."

"They going to sit in the car all day?" Justin asked nodding to the car that had parked behind theirs.

"Wave um up if you are ready." Erin shrugged her shoulders knowing that Jay was just making sure that they had enough time as a family before coming over.

"Should we wake him up?"

"Will wake him up when everyone else gets here." She answered as Jay walked up with Olive who was holding a sleeping Daniel.

"Hey Camille." Jay said as he walked over and sat down next to Erin, "You've got them all here now...good looking family." He said leaning over and kissing Erin on the cheek. "How long he been out?" He said squeezing Hanks shoulder, earning no response.

Justin was surprised to see Jay leave his hand on his sleeping fathers shoulder, "Half hour or so." He answered. "Erin said we will wake him up when the others get here."

"Al said they would be out here in a half hour or so, him and Dawson were going by to get Platt. Kev and Adam we're going back, work the afternoon."

"How you holding up Baby?" Olive asked Justin as he leaned into her.

"Hard to see Pops like this." He told her.

"I think your mom would be very proud of all of you." Olive told him handing over his sleeping son.

The four of them sat in silence as the two slept until Erin saw the car drive up. Just being together, their family...it always felt like something was missing and that would never change, but there in the cemetery, all crowded onto the small throw blanket together...it felt the closest it had in a very long time. "Dad? Al, Tonio and Trudy are here." Erin whispered running her thumb along his stubble again. Hank nodded his head and opened his eyes but made no move to sit up, he was still very visibly exhausted.

Jay squeezed Hanks shoulder again before moving his hand, "You got my family here." Hank said looking over at him. Jay nodded and gave him a sad smile, he knew he wasn't just talking about Justin.

When Trudy saw Hank laying on the blanket, his head being held by Erin and tear stains down his face she couldn't help but let her tears fall, she had never seen him look like that...never seen the man vulnerable in the decades she had known him, not even at her funeral. She had seen him fight tears, fight his emotion, but as he lay there next to his wife's grave being held by his chosen daughter with bloodshot eyes and a tear stained face... Al reached up and held her shoulder preventing her from running over and smothering Hank.

Jay protectively put his hand back on his Sargent's shoulder and Erin leaned into him as she started to silently cry again. When Jay looked over at Justin he saw that Olive had put her arms around her husband as tears fell from his eyes too. "Camille is up there laughing at y'all for finally seeing it is okay to be human." Antonio said patting her headstone.

"Shove it Dawson." Erin laughed through her tears, "We can't all get away with the crying all the time."

"Hey now, it's not all the time." He smiled back with glistening eyes earning smiles from Al and Trudy.

Hank had closed his eyes again, Jay could feel each shaky breath he took and knew that he was giving everything to keep himself together for his kids. Jay knew them well enough to know that it was time to get them out of there and back home where they could rest and reboot. "It's starting to get pretty chilly out here, think it's about time to get Daniel in where it is warm." He said looking between Al and Antonio.

"We will head back to the shop, call if you need anything." Al nodded. He bent down and kissed Erin on her forehead as Justin stood up Al wrapped him in a hug, "You really are growing up Kiddo. Proud of you son."

"Thanks for letting us in." Antonio said to his Sargent as he watched the man shakily sit up, most of his weight held by Erin. Hank gave him a small nod before Antonio followed Trudy and Al back to their cruiser.

Justin watched as Jay stood up, finally taking his hand off his father only to walk around to face him and as soon as his hand was outstretched he watched his Dad grip it tight and allowed himself to be pulled up and then supported by him. Jay put his arm around Hanks hip and Hank put his arm loosely around his shoulder as the young detective led him to his truck.

Olive took Daniel back from Justin and went back to the car to get him settled in the car seat leaving Justin and Erin alone at their Moms grave. "Pop trusts Jay with his life."

"Yup." Erin allowed as she folded up the old flannel blanket.

"Isn't he _your_ Partner?"

"Yup." Erin answered putting her arm around her little brother, "After Nadia was killed...we went through a lot..."

"Jays very protective of Pop...not just you...and Pop doesn't bust his balls about it."

"Jay brought me back...almost killed himself in the process...and today he got you here...he made sure Dad had someone when I was off...being stupid..."

"A _Partner_ doesn't do that kind of shit."

"We are a family Justin."

"Dad would never let me help him like he lets him."

"Jay is not his son...Dad doesn't need to protect him...he thinks he needs to protect you..." Erin tried to explain as they walked back towards the cars.

Jay had gotten Hank in the passenger seat, reclined it slightly and was sitting behind him with his arm wrapped around the seat and across Hanks chest, Hanks cheek resting against Jays arm as he slept. "Never thought I would see that..." Justin said looking in the window.

"Jay is a good guy Justin."

"Follow you home?"

Nodding, Erin pulled Justin into a hug, "You will always be my pain in the ass little brother, nothing will ever change that." When he released her she walked around and got in the truck turning to look at Jay, "He's jealous of you."

"He's still got some growing up to do then." Jay said, earning a grunt from Hank, who despite being completely exhausted was obviously still listening. Jay leaned his head against the back of Hanks headrest and looked at Erin, "You want me to take off once we get him home?"

"Stay." Hank answered first.

"You sure Dad?" Erin asked, looking over as she drove.

"Want my family under one roof."

Erin caught Jays smile in the rear view mirror and broke out into a smile of her own. When she pulled into the driveway of their house she wondered if her dad would have enough energy to make it up the front steps and up the stairs to his bedroom. She saw Jay hovering closely behind Hank as he slowly stepped out of the truck and started for the house. It amazed her how much the day had aged him, he looked more like his own father than he did himself.

He made it up the stairs into the house on his own and sat down in his armchair and rolled his eyes at them, "Stop acting like I'm dying. Where are the home movies your promised me?"

Jay smirked as he plopped down on the couch waving a dvd in his hand.

"What ones are you going to play? God, Mom was so annoying with the camera...your first zit and she had to get it on video..." Justin groaned.

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Olive said sweetly as she sat down on the floor with the baby.

"Oh you just wait and see...there are more miles of tape than we could watch in a week."

"Actually...some of the videos were that embarrassing...but I had Mouse and Jay help me go through them and make a special DVD." Erin said as she slid it in the tray, the screen lighting up with a photograph of Camille and the title Never Lose Hope.

When she looked back at Hank she saw the tears back in his eyes, "We can watch this later if you want to rest first Dad."

"Mouse did this?"

"Jay and I went through the videos...Mouse and Jay did the final thing though...I haven't seen it all together yet."

"Start it Erin, I wanna see!" Justin said anxiously.

"Dad?" Erin asked, when Hank nodded she pushed play and a video of Justin as a toddler popped up on the screen as he toddled towards a much younger Hank as the room was filled with Camille's voice and laughter telling Justin to get his Daddy. The videos went on through sports, family picnics, fishing trips, school dances and holidays. Each clip that was chosen had Camille's voice, her laugh. As it got nearer and nearer to the ages that Erin and Justin were when she passed the more tears they shed, even Jay had glossy eyes.

Then a clip came on that Erin hadn't seen, she turned to look at Jay as it started, "Found this tucked in with some of the older ones." Jay told her.

'Well the doctors said I should have been dead a month ago, but I guess I am just as stubborn as the rest of this family. I know you will have a hard time when I do go, but please remember I am always in your hearts...yes Henry you do have a heart...a big sexy one, hell, I certainly didn't marry you for your looks.' Camille winked at the camera and Hank choked back a sob.

'Justin, my Baby, I am so sorry I won't get to see you grow up, graduate, get married...and hopefully make some cute Grandbabies for your Old Man but you can be damn sure that I will be looking down on you...kicking your ass when you screw up, holding you close when you realize it and pushing you back towards the path you belong on.' Olive handed Jay the baby as Justin collapsed onto her sobbing, 'You are your Fathers son and I know you will do more than your share of stupid things but when you find the right lady, the Momma to my Grandbabies you do right by her, treat her like a Queen, I know you know what that looks like. If my future daughter in law is watching this then don't be afraid to kick his ass when he needs it, he is a Voight after all...they need a little reminder every now and again.'

"When did she have time to do this?" Erin wondered out loud.

'Erin, my Darling Girl. Henry and I were never able to have anymore of our own babies after Justin but God knew we needed a daughter and from the second Henry told me about you I just knew that daughter was you.' Jay reached over and took Erin's hand in hers. 'From the first time you allowed me to hold you in my arms...' Camilles eyes filled with tears as she spoke, 'from that first time I knew that you had found your forever family. I knew that you would be an overly protective big sister, and daughter...you would always take care of your family...our family. I can die knowing that my son will have a woman's strong hand to help guide him, and your gentle touch can break through Henry's thickest walls. I could never have dreamed of a better daughter than you. You need to remember when it is okay for you to find comfort too, and when a man finally pushes his way through your walls and you allow him to see the real you, the good and the bad. Erin baby don't be scared to let love in...and Henry...when he comes I swear on all that is Holy if you do anything to push them apart I will come down there and haunt the living shit out of you. Our Babies are meant to get married and have babies of their own.' Jay felt Hanks eyes on him and he turned to face him, Hank nodded at him and turned back to the television. Erin turned to Jay and scooted into him, pulling her nephew onto her lap, never taking her eyes from the screen.

'Henry, my Darling Man. I know you are scared, we have been together since we were practically in diapers after all. Remembers that it is okay to let go...let go of the pain. None of this is your fault...it was just the cards I was dealt. We can't win all the time, I think I just used up my luck early, finding you...having Justin...Erin...our family. I would trade anything for just one more minute with you all in my arms but life...and death does not always go how we imagine. I want you to enjoy life, take time to go fishing, spend time with our family, retire and buy a cabin on the lake. Do not forget to live, you will be living for both of us after I go and you know I can't have a boring life Henry.'

Hank was sobbing so hard he could barely get a breath in as he watched the recording but when Justin and Erin both tried to go comfort him he held up his hand for them to stay where they were.

When the video cut away another came on, with her looking very frail and thin, 'I don't have much time left, I can hear Henry in the hall with the doctor and I know you kids will be home from school soon. Do not be scared, love with all you have, live big lives, go on adventures, never stop dreaming and never give up hope. I love you all more than I ever fathomed possible. I don't want you to miss me because I will never be far. When you lose loved ones on Earth I will find them in Heaven and we will watch over you together. Justin, Erin Darling and My Henry...I will forever love you.' She said, the clip ending in a frozen image of her blowing them one last kiss.

"You did this?" Hank asked with a shaky breath.

Jay nodded, stood up slowly and walked towards him. Coming to a stop he put his hand on his bosses shoulder, "Camille was amazing Hank, I don't know how she put up with your ass but after watching the videos..."

"I wanted to hate you...from the second Dawson brought you in..." Hank wiped his face in his hands before standing up shakily and pulling Jay into a tight hug. "You're a good one Halstead."

Erin watched the two of them as Hamk held onto Jay, she never expected the two of them to become close but what did she know. Nothing about her life was normal and very little made sense...especially anything with seeing this side of Hank. She knew he would go back to being a tough guy asshole cop in the morning...she knew Jay and the rest of their team would go right back to their rolls...stay in their places when they were on the clock. Off the clock though...everything was different.

When Hank finally sat back down Jay kicked the handle on the recliner forcing him to lay back. Justin watched as Jay again squeezed his fathers shoulder and saw the look in his dad's eyes before he closed them. Justin stood up and walked towards Halstead, putting his hand on his back making Jay turn around to face him. "Thanks Man...for everything."

"I lost my Mom, I get it." Jay said quietly, meant for Justin's ears only but the others heard it. Justin nodded before walking into the kitchen, Jay saw the tears pooling in his eyes before he walked away. Olive went to follow him but Jay stopped her, "He's okay...just give him a minute.

She nodded and looked over to where Erin was holding a very fussy Daniel. "You let him know I will be in his room feeding his son."

Jay nodded and Erin handed over her nephew, "Hey Olive...I couldn't have picked a better sister in law...our family...I know we can be fucked up some times...but..."

"He talks about you all the time...I've been around a long time...not gonna give up on him." She said with a small smile as she walked up the stairs.

"You should take a nap too Lindsay...I know you were up early this morning..." Jay said walking back over and sitting down next to his Partner.

"You never talk about your family." Erin turned sadly towards her best friend.

"Today is not the day to go there...and you have met Will...he is my family."

"You sure Justin is okay?" Erin asked when she heard the back door swing open and closed.

Jay nodded but stood up walked into the kitchen and out the back door, following Justin to an old porch swing, "You talk to Olive about family?" Jay asked sitting down next to him.

"Nah...didn't expect this coming up today...Pops...I hardly saw him get tears in his eyes when Mom died...I mean...I heard them talking through the walls and I guess knew they were crying but I never saw it...never saw him lose his shit before...its messed up."

"Its okay though." Jay told him.

"Is he really going to be okay?"

"We've all got his back...tomorrow will go back to normal..."

"Will you keep an eye out?" Justin asked Jay.

"You don't have to ask Justin...your dad...when Erin left... God I was a mess...she is... he looked out for me...I would do anything for the guys in Intelligence...but your Dad...and Erin...that is a whole nother level."

"You and Erin fuckin?"

"Christ...couldn't be more subtle? We are taking it slow...I need to know her head is in the right place...if I ever lose her..."

"You love her like Dad loves Mom?"

"You think I would be sitting here having this conversation if I didn't?"

"Were there any other video messages from my Mom?"

"Yes..." Jay answered cautiously, "With specific times for you guys to watch them...Mouse was still working on putting it all together."

"You watched them?"

"Some...once I realized what they were I gave them to Mouse to put together..."

"It is hard to talk about her."

"I know...Will and I never talk about our Mom...think about her all the time..."

"You think she would be proud of me?" Justin asked Jay with obvious fear in his eyes.

"From the punk kid driving drunk and acting a fool to a real soldier, husband and father...yeah Man she would definitely be proud of your stupid ass."

Justin smiled and stood up, "Its getting cold out here."

"Olive took Daniel upstairs." Jay smiled, following him back into the house. Hank was asleep, snoring softly in his recliner as Erin sat on the couch rewatching the dvd with tears in her eyes. Jay grabbed a throw blanket and draped it over Hank before walking over to Erin and pulling her into his lap. "This is the last time tonight." Jay told her taking the remote from her hand. Jay knew that Justin was standing at the base of the stairs studying their interactions, seeing if he could truly trust the man who had so easily inserted himself into his family. "Hockey?" Jay asked after Camille's frozen kiss left the screen.

"This isn't how I thought the day would go."

"That good or bad?"

"Both." Erin answered, snuggling into Jay, "I'm glad you are still here."

"No where in the world I would rather be." Jay told her, setting down the remote after finding the Blackhawk game. He turned around to see Justin's shadow making its way up the stairs, "Guess I passed his test." He smirked.

When Hank woke up a while later he looked over and saw Jay and Erin both asleep on his couch, Jay was holding Erin protectively even in his sleep. Hank slowly sat up in his chair and studied the two, Jay Halstead had once again proven that he is a do anything anytime for the people he loves kind of guy. Hell, for the kid to have the nerve to ensure that he himself was okay...in front of Justin...and the whole team...but it was him who had allowed it, and it seemed turned it into a bit of a habit. And that dvd...holy Hell...he could have given him some figment of a warning before turning him into a blubbering pus...but he supposed that a part of him knew that him and Mouse had something going on, the two of them had been coming in early for weeks to use the tech lab and he knew damn well it wasn't related to any cases they were working. Standing at the base of the stairs he quickly called and ordered a few pizzas.

He slowly climbed the stairs and found the door to his sons room open and stood outside listening as his son and daughter in law talked, it was the first time he had heard his son crying, really truly mourning his Mother and Olive was in there comforting him. Hank slowly walked into the room sitting down on the bed next to his son and putting his arm on his back and pulling him into his own chest, "You are your mothers son. Every time I look at you...I see her. I am sorry we didn't talk about her more...I...I didn't know how to handle everything...it was easier to just shut everyone and everything out...but that was a mistake Justin. I am sorry." Hank told his son as he gripped him tight.

"I love you Pops." Justin said with a small nod.

"Ordering pizza for dinner tonight." Hank said before walking out of the room, ending the conversation before he had a chance to get emotional again. He quickly shut himself in his room and grabbed Camilles bathrobe for the second time that day and laid down on the bed with it as his emotions once again took over. Each day that passed was one day more since he said goodbye to the love of his life...but it also meant he was one day closer to being with her again. As he thought about it he thought about how easily he could end it. End his life here on Earth and wake up with her in Heaven.

His team could handle their own, his kids were both in good places, they both had people who could help them through his leaving... With blurry eyes he opened up the drawer in his side table and pulled his gun from its case. Hearing the doorbell for the pizza he knew it was now or never.

As he lifted the gun to his head he was too lost in his thoughts to have heard the knock. As Jay saw the scene in front of him he crossed the room in one step. Taking the gun he quickly emptied the chamber and put the gun back in its case. Jay then sat down next to his huddled form, clutching the tattered bathrobe and he grabbed Hank by the shoulders and forced him to look him in the eye.

With blury eyes and a tear stained face Hank leaned into Jay and was enveloped in a hug. "Tomorrow is a new day." Jay whispered to him. Once Hank composed himself Jay loosened his hold on the older man. "Go wash your face. Pizzas probably cold."

Unspoken words passed between the two as Hank stood up and crossed to the bathroom, leaving the door open behind him. Jay took the gun, ammo and case and quickly put it in Erin's room before returning. "Two more in the closet." Hank told him. Jay nodded and grabbed the cases and slid them under Erin's bed.

"Tomorrow's a new day." Jay said with a small nod. "You ready to go spend time with your Grandson?" Jay followed Hank down the stairs and into the kitchen getting a look from Erin that demanded a conversation-and play by play-that she wasn't going to get. Picking up a slice Jay handed one to Hank, "Whatdoya know, still warm." Jay shrugged.

"Pops we have to leave here about five for me to get back in time for drill, you gonna be okay for us to go?" Justin asked as he handed Daniel off to his Grandpa.

Hank looked over at Jay and gave a slight nod, "Yeah Kid, tomorrow's a new day. Glad you guys could come up though." He said bouncing the baby on his knee, "This old man doesn't get to see you nearly enough does he?" He asked Daniel-earning a bubbly slobbery squeal of delight.

As the night wore on the family had migrated back to the living room to watch television. Around midnight Justin and Olive stood up to retreat to the bedroom to get a few hours of sleep before driving back to the base.

"We should go to bed too Dad, got work tomorrow." Erin reminded him, looking over at Jay.

Expecting Hank to say goodbye to Jay, Justin and Erin were surprised when their dad asked, "You still have clothes here?" Jay gave a tight nod and Erin looked at him questioningly.

"Go get ready for bed Linds I'll be up in a few minutes." Jay said squeezing her hand. She leaned over and kissed him, on the lips before standing up and walking over and giving hugs to both Justin and Olive.

Hank stood up and gave the three of them hugs and bid them goodnight before walking into his study and pulling out three different gun cases and setting them on his desk. Jay stood in the doorway and looked at his Boss, his friend and questioned, "What do you want me to do with them Sarge?"

"Keep um safe." He shrugged.

"I can call Will..."

Hank shook his head sadly, "You've got my back."

"There any more?"

"In my office and truck."

"You need to carry if you are working."

"Not going to be in the field and until I say otherwise you are with me. Erin will be with Al or Antonio."

"You sure?"

"If they question anything I will just get pissed about Erin kissing you." Voight smirked as he set his keys on top of the cases.

"You okay to go to bed tonight?"

"My family is all under one roof."

"Hank.." Jay said walking over and gripping the mans shoulder again.

"Tomorrow's a new day." Hank said with a sad smile and walking up the stairs. Jay gathered the guns and followed Hank up the stairs.

"She is going to ask." Jay said when he reached the top of the stairs.

"I trust you." Hank said walking into his bedroom, leaving the door open behind him.

Jay nodded and walked into Erin's bedroom, also leaving the door open behind him. He walked over to the dresser and set down the cases feeling Erin's eyes boring into his back.

Kicking off his shoes and letting his jeans slide down around his ankles he sat down on her bed and patted the spot next to him, "Doors open? Cases in here...all of them...you have the keys too?" Erin asked. Jay pulled out the key ring and handed it to her. "I'm glad we have you." She said with tears in her eyes, not wanting to imagine what Jay walked in on when she had sent him to get Hank for dinner.

"Tomorrow you are going to be with Al or Antonio..." Jay told her as he leaned back into the headboard.

She crawled over and rest her head on his shoulder and laid there in silence. When they heard Hanks sobs through the wall Erin looked over at Jay, "I don't want him crying by himself...he has been alone for so long."

"Give him space." Jay told her not wanting to push him, he knew it was hard enough to surrender the guns and keys...and leave his door open surrendering what little privacy he had. It wasn't long after that he fell asleep and Jay leaned his head against Erin's.

"He needs to talk to Charles." Erin whispered.

"If I need to...tomorrow we will go into the office...I will call the Doc myself and have him make a house call...he is too stubborn to do anything inpatient so there is no point in fighting for that. I already told you that I was going to be with Hank tomorrow and you will update Al and Antonio...Hank and I will not be going in the field until I know his head is clear."

"You going to try to sleep?" Erin asked Jay.

"You should too."

"Was going to call Al and I want to make sure he is okay first." She told him without lifting her head up.

"He is asleep Erin. You are going to go in to work like normal. I will stay here with him and when he wakes up we will figure out a plan."

"I'm sure that will go over well."

"If you aren't here...if he knows you are at work doing what he thinks you should be doing...I think it is the only chance we have."

"Do you think he will be okay?"

"He knows we've got his back." Jay told her, "That counts for something."

"When you came in there yesterday..."

"In his hand."

"So if you would have gone up even a minute later..."

"We don't play what ifs. What if Al hadn't have given you that knife...what if Kevin didn't get into your apartment when he did...we just can't go there."

"You will really stay here with him?"

"Sleep Lindsay." Jay said closing his eyes, he had expected a rough day but never expected to have ended up like it did. Erin woke him up with hair dried and looking as fresh as ever with two cups of coffee in her hands he realized he had slept through her alarm. "You want to take a shower before I head?"

Jay grabbed one of the mugs and downed it before walking down the hall. When he stepped into the bathroom he saw that she had set out his clothes with a fresh towel and he couldn't help but smile. Her way of taking some control back...he did his thing and went back into her room and sat down next to her on the bed. She kissed him softly and stood up, "Let me know when he gets up."

At eight Jay pulled out his phone and called his brother setting up for him and Dr Charles to meet them at Intelligence at noon. Jay then went in and sat in the armchair in Hanks room, what if he had come up a minute later...would he have really pulled the trigger? When Hank woke up at nine he saw Jay in the small arm chair at the foot of his bed. Once again dreading the day...he was also quite embarrassed at his inability to control his emotions and actions in the previous twenty four hours. Hank got up and grabbed clothes before going into the bathroom.

"Come on Kid. Let me pretend for a couple hours." Hank said with a sad smile walking out of the bathroom in his robe.

"Noon Hank."

"In house?"

"Will and Charles." Hank nodded and Jay walked out of the bedroom and waited for him downstairs.

Hank climbed into the passenger seat of his own truck allowing Jay to drive him to work and followed him up the back stairs into their unit. Jay stopped at Erin's desk as Hank went into his office. He left the door open and sat down at his desk and pulled out his old box of pictures.

"Any cases today Linds?" Jay asked her.

"Eh, nothing new. Trudy said she was going defer us this week unless it was relevant or some blah blah blah like that." Erin rolled her eyes.

"We were hoping you guys were working something since you are late." Adam said leaning forward at his desk.

"Late night last night." Jay shrugged.

"Erin was here on time."

"Just go get caught up on your paperwork." Jay shut him down before he walked into the office, shutting the door behind him.

"You have my keys." Hank mumbled without looking up.

"Picture of her?" Jay asked. Hank handed a photo of a teenage Erin laughing as she splashed in the lake with Camille and Justin.

"Couple months after she moved in with us."

"Erin was lucky to have you guys."

"No...no...I was lucky to have her."

"I am going to be in here when they come."

"I don't want her to know the details...she doesn't need that..."

"She is going to have questions."

"Good for her."

"If you don't want her involved then you will talk to her over dinner tonight."

"This is still my unit."

"And as you pointed out..."

"Keys...yeah. My unit my way."

"We can do this by the book if you want... Take you to inpatient..."

"I want a damn steak."

"Figured as much." Jay said smirking as he handed the photo back before walking out.

Will called him an hour later and Jay went down and led them up and into Hanks office, closing the door and shutting the blinds behind them. "How do you want to do this Voight?" Dr Charles asked as he sat down on one of the two chairs, Will took the other and Jay walked around and stood behind Hank, putting his hand on his shoulder.

"Yesterday...Jay walked into my bedroom and found me with a gun in my hand...I was going to use it to...to be with Camille again." Hank said looking up at Jay.

"You were going to kill yourself?" Charles verified.

"Yes."

"And have you thought about doing that before?"

"I have thought every day for years about being with my wife again...Suicide directly...not really."

"Do you still feel suicidal Hank?"

"I gave Jay my keys, all the guns in my house...I don't trust...I don't trust myself right now." Hank said looking at Jay again as his eyes filled with tears, voice cracking.

"Hank..." Jay barely whispered.

"I know Jay will take care of my family..." Hank said reaching up and putting his hand shakily on top of Jays. "I always thought I had to protect Erin, Justin...the city... But when I saw him take care of her...when she went to him instead of me...last years anniversary of her death...was the first year I thought about how much I missed her...this year...this year they brought Justin home...and Olive and the baby...they didn't need me...this year I needed them...but I don't want to need anyone." Hank said as a tear slid from his eye.

"We should admit you." Charles said causing Jay to step forward protectively. "But it is clear you do not want that and have a strong support system in place." He continued. "You will do an hour a day five days a week until I say otherwise. I know Erin is still living with you, I do not want you alone until I say otherwise. And no field work. You can hide out in here and run things however you need but you will not go in the field."

"You will also take meds until you become stabilized." Will said holding up a bottle and setting it on the desk.

"Hank, when Camille died, did you cry?" Charles asked.

"When Erin came back from taking Justin to school...yes..."

"Did you cry after that day?"

"Never where anyone saw...until last year."

"Why?"

"Control."

"Why is Jay so protective of you?" Charles asked after a minute, he knew getting Hank to truly open up was an impossible task, but if he could help him to see that he has family, friends to talk to it would push that direction.

"He loves Erin."

"I have seen several people in love and never once seen a son in law as protective as Jay is towards you." Hank looked up at Jay who was standing, arms crossed right behind him. "Jay, perhaps you can enlighten Hank."

"He is right...I love Erin and Hank is the only person on this planet who has never let her down. He means more to her than anything and a love like that...its a two for one thing. For me to really love Erin...I got to know Hank...he has to be as important to me as he is to her...took me a while to understand that."

"Hank why are you so trusting of Jay?" Dr Charles asked him.

"Erin trusted him...he is the only person who she has ever trusted..."

"She trusts you." Will pointed out.

"I had to earn her trust...Halstead...she trusted him from the minute I put them together."

"So Hank, for us to do this...you either need to open up to me...or someone else of your choosing who will then report back to me. If you don't then I will be forced to make this official."

"I trust him to do what needs to be done." Hank said.

"Jay, do you accept that? Willing to get your feet dirty?" Charles asked him.

"Sarge?" Jay asked Hank.

"I need you to have my back for this."

"If I agree to this then our family will be updated too." Jay said.

"Hank is that something you agree to?"

"Whether his stubborn ass likes it or not he handed me his keys so he will do what it takes." Jay answered for him, earning a snort from Hank.

"Voight?"

"I did give the kid my keys."

"I am taking that as a yes. So since I know you will not come out and say what is going through your head I want you to keep a journal. Carry it with you or leave it at home by your bed and write in it at least twice a day. I do not need to read it myself, but someone will tell me a summary of what is written and each day I will give you a thought to focus on. Today I want you to write what it felt like when Jay took the gun from your hand."

"That all guys?" Jay asked, noticing Hanks change in breathing. He knew they had reached their limit.

"Meds. One pill once a day. Notice any side effects let me know." Will said standing up.

"See you tomorrow morning at eight." Dr Charles told them as he too stood up.

"Thank you." Jay said to them two of them. "I will walk down with you."

Jay squeezed Hanks shoulder before walking towards the door. As he walked past Erin's desk he knocked on the corner of it and she jumped up and practically ran into the office closing the door behind her before the three had even reached the steps.

Out in the parking lot Dr Charles turned to Jay, "This is quite unconventional. You can assure me that he will stay out of the field?"

"Until I know his head is in the right place neither of us will be in the field for a thing other than delegating a scene if we need to."

"You think he will do anything?"

"He gave me his keys and all his guns without me asking." Jay shrugged. "Yesterday was a rough day."

"I can bring by clothes if you need, I assume you are staying there again."

"I've got some there already...thanks though Will." Jay said before walking back inside the building. He went up and into the office ignoring all the prying eyes as he walked past. He found Erin sitting on the corner of Hanks desk with him leaning back and the two of them having a stare off. "Lindsay we are going to talk tonight over steaks." Jay said walking up behind her.

"Bullshit. He can talk now." She seethed.

"Let Justin know we will call him tonight sometime between seven and eight." Jay told Erin. "He is going to do what Dr Charles and Will told him to."

"What so you are talking for him now?" Erin said suddenly furious with her Partner.

"We will discuss all of it tonight." Jay said facing her and gripping her shoulders, he could see the tears in her eyes and pulled her into him, "We will get through this together...just like we always do." Jay promised her.

He could feel her nod her head as she wrapped her arms around his waist, "I'm still mad at you."

"Update your brother." Jay said pulling back, "The four of us will talk tonight."

"Dad, If Jay wouldn't have gone in there when he did...would I be planning your funeral right now?" Erin asked looking towards Hank.

"Yes." Hank admitted causing Erin to start sobbing. He watched as Jay pulled her back into him and carry her to one of the chairs where he sat down with her on his lap as he held her. Maybe she needed him more than he thought...the guilt at his admission and seeing Erin crying because of him...

"There is a spiral notebook on the corner of your desk...start writing." Jay said looking up from Erin and into Hanks eyes. He nodded his head and slid the notebook over and started scribbling.


	17. Chapter 17

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"Dad, If Jay wouldn't have gone in there when he did...would I be planning your funeral right now?" Erin asked looking towards Hank._

 _"Yes." Hank admitted causing Erin to start sobbing. He watched as Jay pulled her back into him and carry her to one of the chairs where he sat down with her on his lap as he held her. Maybe she needed him more than he thought...the guilt at his admission and seeing Erin crying because of him..._

 _"There is a spiral notebook on the corner of your desk...start writing." Jay said looking up from Erin and into Hanks eyes. He nodded his head and slid the notebook over and started scribbling._

It didn't take long for Hank to return to the gruff asshole cop persona he typically displayed and to say that the agreement was difficult to get used to was a massive understatement. It was very difficult for Hank and Jay to find the line that worked for them allowing Hank his privacy while allowing Jay to ensure Hanks safety and mental wellbeing, all while keeping Erin and Justin satisfied with how things were actually going and the rest of the world in ignorant bliss.

Keeping Hank out of the field was easier than Jay had imagined thankfully, apparently when you are the one in charge you don't actually have to go anywhere. They did go do various interviews or rides around the city but it was over a month before Jay handed Hank back his side arm. Jay, Erin and Al were the only people who knew he wasn't carrying. The night that Jay gave the one gun back was the last night Jay stayed at the Voight house.

Once the line had been established and the journal had a handoff schedule life in general seemed to become more stable. Hank would drop the notebook off on Jays desk every morning, Jay would read it and over lunch they would meet with Dr Charles. The more Hank divulged the more Jay respected the man he worked for and the respect that Jay gave in turn softened Hank towards the young detective he had chosen to trust with his life and with his family.

From the end of their lunch sessions until the next morning there was never any mention of the arrangement, and there certainly was no talk about anyone's mental states. Jay and Erin had started to go on official dates while Al and Hank had poker nights at the club and everyone was seemingly happy.

To know that it is possible to survive a suicadal thought, action, and come together as a family was empowering. It made Jay very nervous to give the gun back but he knew that Hank truly needed the gun for work and he believed that Hank was no longer suicidal. He didn't have to fear a repeat event and Dr Charles, Erin, Al and Justin all agreed. The rest of the Arsenal was kept in the gun safe at Jays apartment.

Hank had started going by Camilles grave every Sunday and was often joined by Erin or Jay, or both. Words were not usually spoken and it was usually just them standing there, in the cold. Hank with his hands in his pockets staring at the stone with a strong hand on his shoulder offering support. Hank and Erin had also accompanied Jay to visit his Mothers grave, seeing a glimpse into the tortured soul of the young Halstead. Jay had been spending time with his brother and with Mouse as well. He needed the outlet from all things Voight. Overall it was a growing experience for everyone. Giving everyone a life away from the Unit. Something they had all forgotten they needed.

They had all just sat down at their desks to get started for the day and Hank sent Mouse down to have an acquisition form authorized by Trudy when Hank heard yelling coming from downstairs. By the time he reached the bottom of the stairs he saw the kid with a gun pointed at his head. He was so used to not having his piece on him he didn't even think to pull the gun and instead just looked around at the others who had theirs aimed and started talking to the man who was pointing the gun to Mouses head.

He quickly explained that his daughter Sarah was missing...that he thought she had been taken...all Hank could think about was Erin...how he would have done anything...hell, he did do just about everything...to bring her back. He grabbed the backpack and watched as Mouse was pulled into the room, only moving when he got the nod from the Kid. He had read the file, knew what had happened to him and to Jay. He knew that while he would be able to handle what was happening to him in that moment he was sure it would trigger his PTSD. He was determined to get him out as quickly as possible and hopefully without anyone getting hurt in the process.

When Hank walked back up the stairs to intelligence they quickly got to work, it was amazing how the entire team split up the task at hand and left him there in awe watching as they all did quick background checks and were able to determine that the mans daughters credit card had in fact been used. Hank grabbed his journal from Jay's desk and went into his office and began to scribble. All he could think to write about was Erin...how Erin had been his saving grace, how he had to help the man downstairs to find his daughter...alive.

When he walked back out he practically ran into Jay, "It is my friend down there...If anyone pulls the trigger it needs to be me." As Hank looked into Jay's eyes he shoved the journal into his chest. "Hopefully it doesn't get to that." He told him, Jay nodding. This case was too close to home for any of their liking. It took all he had not to break down when he heard his sons voice on the phone, he had made it back safe, wanting to come and see Danny's grandpa at work.

Hearing Hank answer the phone Jay dropped the notebook on his desk and ran downstairs. Seeing the guns of Roman and Kim pointed at Jeff and Mouse, Jay held his hands up, "Whole team is out running leads." Jay told the visibly panicked man. "You all good Buddy?" Jay asked the man who had been his life saver only a few years earlier.

"We cool." He answered as he was pulled into the office. As a last act to Jay before closing the blinds severing any views the officers had he gave a firm nod. Jay knew that Mouse would be able to get the guy talking, to calm him down...he knew if he had really wanted he could have disarmed the man as soon as he had the gun pointed at his head and it angered Jay to no end that he was allowing himself to be held hostage. He knew at the least them serving in the 75th together and doing two tours together would be mentioned and that brought up a lot of unresolved...feelings for when the rest of the team would hear about it.

This case, the whole day was almost enough to throw Erin into a tailspin. She had pulled her phone out and looked at the photo of her family at least twenty times before noon. She had gone to see Bunnie...tried to fix things...of course there was really nothing she could have done. By the time she got back to the station all hell had broken loose and Jay and Hank were both barely holding it together. She tried to stay busy, to help as much as she could and she eventually broke off and went with Kim to interview the girls at the hospital.

Talking to Will though, when he told her that Mouse was the one who had pulled Jay back from the edge...she knew that a much longer conversation with Will-and especially Jay was in order but the hospital, right then...it couldn't happen.

When she returned to the station with one of the girls Jay had his rifle aimed and ready to fire, to save his friend if he needed to, with all the yelling around it was the girl saying "Blue Lake" that got Jeff to open the door. They all heard the order to take the shot in their ear pieces but the look in Mouses eyes...Jay hesitated and Mouse took the gun before everyone rushed to tackle Jeff.

"What took you so long?" Jay asked pissed off but very much relieved.

"I believed him."

Once they all made it back upstairs Antonio was giving an update, then they had the mad rush at the bus station and back and forth all around the city. Erin knew Jay was avoiding her and she let him...she knew the two of them were more alike than different and he needed his time to process. He would talk to her when he was ready.

When the call came out over the radio of a young girl boarding the L with a gun they shared a look and knew it was Sarah. Walking into the train Erin knew she was going to be the one who had the only chance of getting through to her.

Jay watched as his Partner spoke to Sarah, kept her cool despite fighting her own tears. A talk later was going to happen, if he wanted them to be together she needed to know. When she saw Hank show up with Jeff, when she told Sarah, "Hold on...look outside your Dad is here." She wasn't just talking to her...she was telling herself. The moment that Sarah dropped the gun Erin grabbed it and stepped back. She could see out the window as her Dad and Jay both held their vests tight and Al said to give them a minute. She knew there entire team was on the edge.

After Sarah had been loaded in the Ambo, Kim and Roman followed behind with Jeff. Hank had made a quick call and as long as Jeff stayed in police company he was allowed to stay with his daughter. Al stayed on scene when Hank, Jay and Erin left to head back to the station.

Jay climbed into the driver seat after Erin hopped into the back and Hank road shotgun. "You did good today Kid." Hank told Erin as he caught her eye in the rear view mirror.

"Sometimes I fucking hate this job." Erin mumbled, fighting the tears in her eyes.

Jay took off his sweater and tossed it in the backseat hitting her square in the chest. He watched as she wrapped herself in it and laid down across the back keeping her face covered. Hank smiled sadly at the interaction once again amazed at how seemingly perfect Halstead understood how his daughters mind worked and was able to calm her down without saying a single word. "Take her home." Hank told him as Jay turned on the truck.

Being closer to his house Jay drove her there and parked in the driveway. When Erin didn't move Jay climbed out and opened the back door, gently uncovering her face he saw that she had fallen asleep and he pulled her out in his arms as she wrapped a lazy arm around his shoulder. Hank got out and went ahead of them opening the front door. "Bed or couch?" Jay asked wondering when the last time Erin had slept.

"Bed." She whispered back without opening her eyes. Jay looked at Hank who nodded and then Jay carried her up and laid her down on her bed. When Jay made a move to take his sweater back she pointed at the closet.

Shaking his head he walked over to the closet and pulled out an identical clean sweater. "I'm going to be late." Jay told her wishing he could just crawl into the bed next to her.

"I know." Erin said as she rolled over to watch him.

"I've got your back Lindsay." Jay said walking back over to her.

"And I've got yours...go make sure Mouse is okay, I'll be here when you get back." She said reaching up and squeezing his hand.

Hank was standing By the door with his arms crossed watching him as he walked back down. "He told them there were no bullets in the gun."

Jay shrugged his shoulders, "So there were no bullets."

"I saw down the barrel." Hank said as they walked out the front door, Jay locking it behind them.

"Mouse is a good guy." Jay said as he started the truck.

Hank grunted and leaned his head back against the seat. "He want to go to academy?"

"First job he's held since we got back." Jay answered not making eye contact. "Gonna have a beer with him then go home." Hardly earning a grunt Jay turned to his Boss, "You okay Hank?"

"Been better." He answered him as he pulled open the door to the CPD.

"Call the kid up, want to talk to him then you will help him write up an official report. If he needs help call the Doc."

Jay sat down at his desk and sent a text to Mouse and quickly typed up his, and Erin's reports. He saw the strength in his Buddy as he marched past the desk and into Voights office and it made him smile, maybe he should go to academy. He was waiting when Mouse came out a few minutes later with a small smile on his face.

"Why does he want me to write up a report?" He asked stopping in front of Jays desk.

"Testing you. Come here I'll show you then we will go have a drink. Been a long couple days." Mouse came around and sat in the corner if the desk as Jay pulled up the software and showed him which forms were included and then he got up. "Should only take you a couple minutes since you are a genius and all...took Ruzek three hours the first time."

"Where you going?"

"Write it up so we can go when I am done." Jay said picking up Hanks journal and taking it with him his office and closing the door behind him. Hank looked over the file he was reading to see who walked in without knocking before going back to the file. Jay sat down in the chair and kicked his feet up as he started to read. When he finished he looked up at Hano, "You still meeting with him tonight?"

"Told Erin to. They should be at the diner now."

"Justin waiting for you at home?" Jay asked as he closed the journal and set it on the desk in front of Hank.

"Yes." Hank grunted as he pulled the journal towards him.

"Danny is waiting for his Grandpa."

"I wish Camille was..." Hank said looking up with glistening eyes.

"Tell your grandson about her...talk to Justin about her...you've got a pretty fucking awesome family Sarge so stop hiding out here and go spend time with them." Jay said as he walked out of the office.

"Reports done." Mouse told Jay when he got over to the desk.

Jay nodded his head and read the report over his shoulder. "Buy ya a beer?"

"Case at my apartment."

As Jay sat down with the beer he turned to his friend, "Wasn't loaded huh?"

"You remember when Hollingsworth was kidnapped..." The conversation became a blur of extenuating circumstances and old memories over half a case of beer. "I am fine Jay if that is what you were not asking me. Doesn't seem like you are though."

"Worried about you that's all...wasn't very fun to see a gun pointed at your head."

"Ahhh you do care." He said sarcastically.

"Been a rough year." Jay said looking down at his phone seeing a text from Erin.

"She back at your apartment?"

"Yeah. Voight had her go meet with the Doc."

"Go home...I will see you in the morning."

"You sure you are good?"

"Go check on your girl."

When Jay walked through his front door he found Erin laying on his couch wearing his sweats and hoody, eyes bloodshot and hair a mess. He walked over and sat down next to her and she leaned into him, "I can't do this job without you." He whispered to her.

"He go meet Justin for dinner?"

"Think so, why aren't you?"

"Justin can be an ass."

"And you can be a bitch." Jay smirked and Erin punched his shoulder.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay...I know you and Mouse...I wasn't sure if it would..."

"He is doing so good, Voight asked if he was going to academy...had me show him how to type up a report...he was more worried about me than having the gun to his head again..."

"Again?"

"Got PTSD for a reason...a lot of reasons."

"Wish he would hang out with us more."

"Me too. When we do it is usually just to watch a game or have a beer...used to be that was all he could handle." Jay hear Erin's phone buzzing on the table and rolled her eyes at her pitiful attempt at ignoring it. "He is your family. Go have dinner."

"No." She said snuggling down into him as she flipped the channels on the tv.

Not two minutes later Jay felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, "Halstead." He answered, Erin trying to hear who was on the other end, he didn't usually get calls outside of work. "I will let them know. We are on our way." He nodded at Lindsay, "Shoes and coat now." He told her as he jumped up and went into his bedroom.

"Case?" She asked surprised since Hank was out to dinner and that is who usually calls them up.

"Sorta." Jay said dialing his phone and calling Antonio, "Get Al, Ruzek and Atwater and get to Voights now. Someone blew up his car. I am taking Lindsay to Med.". Erin's head popped up panicked. "Just precautionary. Hank is beyond pissed so be warned." Erin smiled at that, then she remembered her phone had been going off and she had ignored it and was hit with a wave of guilt. "Hank, Justin and Olive are fine, a little banged up from jumping away from the blast I guess but they want to make sure Daniel is okay...I guess they threw his car seat to get him away before they jumped or something."

"I should have answered their calls..."

"No what ifs...we move forward...and right now Justin is going to need his sister." Jay told her as he led her to his truck. He called Will on their way to med and found out that Natalie was put on the baby and was was fine except a few scraps on his hands and he would need a new car seat.

Jay followed as Erin ran into the ED and right to the room Will had told them they would be in and he watched as she threw herself at her brother crying. "It was him dammit...that bastard tried to murder my family." Hank grunted at Jay.

"Called Antonio, they are on it Sarge." He said before prying Erin away from Justin. "Will said the Little Man needs a new seat. You want me to get one for you?"

"That would be nice, thank you." Olive said as she rocked the now peacefully sleeping little boy.

"Erin why don't you stay here with them and I can run and get one." Jay suggested.

"Drop me at the station." Voight grunted, Jay wanted to argue but the look on his bosses face he gave up before he even started.

"I am going to go with Halstead." Justin grunted in a very Voight like manner.

Once the three men were out of the hospital and into Jays truck Hank turned around with tears in his eyes to Justin. "Pops don't apologize just get the bastard." Justin's told his dad, "Don't blame you for a second...just glad we are all okay." Hank nodded his head and bit the inside of his cheek as he turned back around and stared out the front window.

"Sure you want to go to PD?" Jay asked as he turned the corner towards the station.

"Books there." Hank grunted. Jay gave a quick nod and dropped the subject.

As Hank stepped out of the truck Jay called, "Will get the seat then drop them off and come back here."

"Make sure Erin sleeps first." Hank told him and Jay nodded again.

"What book is he talking about?" Justin asked after climbing into the front seat.

"Journal I relay to Charles." Jay answered cautiously.

"That going okay?"

"He's been using it."

"I started writing in one too. Haven't let anyone read it though..."

"Olive know you write?"

"Yeah. She hasn't read it though."

"She know where you keep it?"

"Yeah."

"She's read it." Jay smirked. "Ten minutes til this place closes. Go get your seat." He said putting his car in park out front of the store.

"You really think she has read it?" He asked when he came out five minutes later with a brand new car seat.

"Guarenteed." Jay answered. "You need to give her more credit...and talk to her. Not just about tonight but about everything...about your Mom."

Justin turned and glared at Jay when he mentioned his mother but when Jay just ignored him he softened, "Do they talk about her?"

"Sometimes. It is hard for them too... Hard for me to talk about my mom though so I get it...try not to push."

"What happened to your Mom?"

"Died...right after I got back...they didn't tell me she was sick...didn't want me to worry I guess. Will was in college in New York and our dad didn't tell him much either...mom at least told him, she just never told him how bad things were. Haven't talked to our dad since the funeral...he brought his girlfriend."

"Shit."

"Mouse and I...we got through together...didn't really talk to Will til he moved back here."

"I'm scared to be shipped out...what if I have to kill someone...or if my buddies get killed..."

"You've got family here who will pull you through...your CO...talk to him...went through all of that plus things you can't even wrap your head around yet."

"Will you swear to me that you will take care of Erin?"

"I would die for her."

"And Pops?"

"You get new orders?"

"Rumors."

"Let's go check on that family of yours. Then you take a cab and go back to my place, crash there until we know the house is safe, let me know when you guys get to check out and I will have patrol stationed out front for you." Jay said as he parked in front of the hospital, handing over a key to his apartment.

"Where are you taking her?"

"Back to her apartment but we won't be the long. She won't sleep more than an hour knowing Hank is in the office and the rest of the team is working the case."

When the two of them walked in they found their two ladies engrossed in a conversation about their childhoods, both paused at the door listening as Erin told Olive about how the Voights had saved her and how Camille had taken her in as a daughter instead of some scarred pet project Hank drug home to detox. It bugged Jay to hear her refer to herself as a pet project and for her to still not fully grasp what it was that Hank saw in her, what he saw in her.

"Your Old Man wants me to take you home so you can sleep." Jay smirked at Justin knowing what her reaction would be.

"Hank can go home and sleep. We are going to work." Erin said standing up and crossing her arms.

"Thank you for staying with them." Justin said walking in and wrapping his sister in an awkward hug, obviously not something they did often.

Erin just nodded allowing Jay to put his arm around her in a hand off, a sure sign to Jay that she was exhausted. "Two hours. Then we can go to work if you want."

"Everyone else is already on the case."

"Which is why we can go get a couple hours of sleep and go relieve them so they can sleep."

"Is he?"

"At the station. Hopefully falling asleep at his desk." Jay rolled his eyes as they climbed into his truck. "Gave your brother my key so we a going to your apartment." He told her as he pulled onto the road. He saw her nod before leaning her head back against the rest and closing her eyes. She was asleep before they even turned onto the highway.

Waking her enough to lead her to her apartment she stumbled her way into the bedroom where she collapsed on the bed. Jay pulled out his phone to text Hank. ' Linds. Call if needed.' He received the reply not ten seconds later. 'Not needed. Sleep.' With a small smile he crawled in next to his partner and closed his eyes.


	18. Episode 37

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _Waking her enough to lead her to her apartment she stumbled her way into the bedroom where she collapsed on the bed. Jay pulled out his phone to text Hank. ' Linds. Call if needed.' He received the reply not ten seconds later. 'Not needed. Sleep.' With a small smile he crawled in next to his partner and closed his eyes._

When he woke up the sun was shining through the window, he rolled over and saw his partner still fast asleep and he smiled. He loved mornings when he got to wake up next to her, and despite what he wanted they were still few and far between. He reached over and grabbed his phone just as it let out a small ding, a text from Hank saying they were being released, he in turn sent a text to Antonio so the patrol unit could follow and then sit on his apartment.

When Hank called him he quickly clicked to answer the phone before slipping out of the room and whispering a hello. "The techs took over...already know who did it, at least this way our hands our clean on the evidence." He said resigned. "Eight pages."

"Feel better?" Jay asked.

"Worse."

"We will be there in thirty."

"Let her sleep."

"We will be there in thirty." Jay told him as he hung up.

"He sleep at all?" Erin asked walking out and standing next to him. Jay raised his brow at her with a smirk and she smiled, "You sent Justin to your apartment." Erin said as if it were a question. When Jay didn't respond she leaned over and kissed him. "Thanks."

When they walked into their unit Jay saw the book sitting on his desk and sat down with it. The amount of guilt Hank Voight possessed was crippling, as gruff as he came across as...the amount of heart he had was immeasurable. His family meant everything to him and he would do anything to protect them.

Despite everything Jay knew that Hank took every injury, every death in this city and added it to the guilt that if he would have done better things would have been different. When they got called out to go to another car bomb...this one of a member of the unit Al and Hank used to work with Jay felt his stomach knot. Another one of his friends, or as close to a friend that Hank had, was killed because he had left his post...even if leaving that post had made it so Erin was now his partner.

It didn't take long for them to close the case and put Beckett back behind bars but things never stayed calm for long. They had managed to save Ruzeks ass, well Platt saved his ass and of course everyone, well almost everyone ended up at Molly's. Erin had been spending more time at Hanks again and Jay had been catching up with Will and Greg so when Hank and Erin didn't go to Molly's he wasn't really surprised.

When he turned around and saw her come in though he couldn't contain the smile on his face and that smile was reflected onto hers. When she let him kiss her in front of everyone at Molly's though...he couldn't have smiled any wider if he tried. That nights game of Scrabble was wild to say the least.

They ended up spending the weekend together but despite their openness at Molly's Erin still didn't want to make a show at the office so instead of going into work together on Monday Erin decided to have breakfast with Atwater and had Jay ride in with Mouse.

When they got the call to the school and found the kid dead and the bomb in his backpack Jay got a sinking feeling in his stomach. When he saw Collin's journal that sinking feeling grew, but when he got EJ to talk...he just felt sick. He told Hank that he was the kid...admitting for the first time out loud what had happened to him, until then Erin and Hank just assumed it was his assumed failure at protecting Ben. When he found out that Jesse had been paid to scare Collin into keeping his secret he was pissed, but after everything he just wanted to be there for EJ.

Leaving PD at the close of the case Jay went over to EJ's. He sat with him as he told his mother that he had been abused, that Collin had been abused. He sat with him as his mother cried and apologized for not being there to protect him. Before he left he made sure that they both knew they could call on him at any time and Jay made EJ promise he would come down to PD and get involved in the teen program.

He drove on autopilot over to Erin's and let himself in, plopping down on the couch without saying a word as he walked straight past her. She set her half finished dinner on the counter in the kitchen and went in and turned on Peter Pan. She sat down next to him and put her arm around his shoulder and draped her legs over his. "We will get through this together, just like we always do."

Jay leaned into her and nodded his head but didn't say anything. About ten minutes into the movie Erin lifted her head up and looked at him, "Any more secrets?" She asked softly. She could see the wheels turning in his head as he constructed an answer but before he could say it she promised, "I will stick with you if you stick with me and maybe by the time we die with a handful of grandkids sitting around us there will be no more secrets."

"Grandkids?" Jay mumbled, "I like the sound of that."


	19. Episode 310

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _She sat down next to him and put her arm around his shoulder and draped her legs over his. "We will get through this together, just like we always do." Jay leaned into her and nodded his head but didn't say anything. About ten minutes into the movie Erin lifted her head up and looked at him, "Any more secrets?" She asked softly. She could see the wheels turning in his head as he constructed an answer but before he could say it she promised, "I will stick with you if you stick with me and maybe by the time we die with a handful of grandkids sitting around us there will be no more secrets."_

 _"Grandkids?" Jay mumbled, "I like the sound of that."_

Erin and Jay stuck together and were partnered up the next few weeks as they worked the NSA case and then Erin partnered up Hank to make sure he was doing okay, but as Jay predicted they would butt heads, especially when the case led to some old family contacts of Hanks with the Outfit.

"He told me never to forget that he loves me. God! Letting the asshole just walk out because it is convient for his old poker buddies..." Erin ranted as Jay cooked them dinner at her apartment.

"You expect me to say something or just listen to you ramble?" Jay asked with a smirk, ducking at just the right time to miss a hand towel being thrown at his head.

"You are supposed to be on my side!"

"I am just happy we have a night off for once." Jay said walking over and lifting her up against him and kissing her neck.

"Dammit Jay." She wined.

"Just relax Lindsay, our paperwork is caught up and we have no active cases right now. And it is a weekend. We can do normal human couple things for once. Go to a movie or something."

"A movie?" Erin asked, this time she was the one smirking.

"Or Scrabble."

"That sounds more like it."

"You know Al is still crashing at Ruzeks with Michelle?"

"I guess. Why?"

"Thought they could use my apartment."

"Hmm."

"I havent stayed there in a month."

"You asking to move in?"

"Kinda already have."

"Hmm." Erin said walking over and picking up her plate from the counter, "You can cook." She smirked.

While Erin went with Hank to Camilles grave Jay spent the day on Sunday boxing up all his personal belongings into Rubbermaid containers, all of which fit in one load in his truck. When Erin got home she found Jay sitting on her couch strumming on his guitar. "So you can actually play."

"Told Will to drop by his key tonight. Will give it to Al tomorrow."

"Adam may kiss you."

"Would rather you did."

"I want you to keep the apartment just in case."

"Al will be staying there a while I am sure."

"I'm not really good at this stuff."

"Partners Erin, we will figure it out."

"Doesn't mean we are getting married."

"Do you see a ring?" Jay smiled.

"You need Hanks permission for that first."

"Do you want a ring?" Jay asked with a smirk, knowing the question would freak her out.

"Do you want one?" Erin echoed before flipping on the television to watch a basketball game, effectively ending their conversation. For Jay though it started the wheels turning in his head. He had been offered a security job by one of the guys in the support group he made Mouse go to with him, he made a mental note to ask about it after their next meeting.

Of course Jay was hired on the spot and after just three weeks he had managed to work his way to the top and was now the one planning the bank drop routes. It gave him extra time to spend with Terry and the hundred dollars an hour was amazing. Drive to the bank a couple times a week and he would have enough to get Erin the ring he wanted to give her...and pay for an amazing honeymoon and whatever kind of wedding she wanted.

It annoyed him a bit that his boss was over the top flirting with him but he had told Erin and she had just laughed hysterically for a few seconds before looking at him like he was crazy. "Of course she wants in your pants, you are super sexy and have amazing eyes." Erin had told him before ruffling his hair and then throwing a pillow at him. "Would be nice if you would bring home dinner or something."

Smiling at his beautiful girlfriend, partner at work and at home he kicked off his shoes and laid down on the couch. "We can order a pizza."

"Hank is bringing over Chinese." Erin smirked.

Jay sat up panicked, "He is coming here now? But I am here."

"He was getting your orange chicken too."

"He doesn't know I moved in here." Jay said crossing his arms.

"Uh Jay...we are talking about Hank here...he knows Al is staying at your place and he is kinda a detective." Erin reminded him, trying to hold in a giggle.

"You sure he isn't going to poison my chicken?"

"I will have a bite first if you would like." Erin deadpanned.

"A little warning would have been nice." Jay said as the doorbell rang.

"He likes you. Wish you would like yourself a little bit more." She said with a small kiss before opening the front door and welcoming her dad into the apartment.

Jay stood there dumbstruck for a second before walking into the kitchen and pulling plates from the cabinet and grabbing three beers from the fridge. As much time as they had spent together it had always been for work or for Erin...or for Hank...never just for dinner and even though they saw each other every day it still felt weird for the. To be having dinner together without there being a reason for their dinner together.

"How's the security gig going for you?" Hank asked Jay once they had all dished up.

"Uh it's good I guess. Nice to spend time with Terry outside of the va group."

"You still going to that?" Hank asked surprised, Jay didn't usually talk about his time in the military.

"Yeah. Mouse and a couple of the guys there remind me of some of the guys in my old unit...well Mouse was in my old unit...the other guys though..." He rambled.

"All Rangers?"

"Nah. Terry was a marine. Couple Navy guys. Pretty good mix and all of us spent some time in the desert."

"All your age?"

"Round about...they try and put us with people who served in the same conflicts...the old timers come around to help though, a mentor type of thing. A lot of the guys coming in now are hardly old enough to order a beer."

"Mmm." Hank acknowledged. "You ever talk about your time at those meetings?

As Jay was getting ready to answer Erin chimed in, "Whole point of the meetings is for him to talk with other guys who get what it is like...hard to talk about stuff others don't have a chance in hell of understanding."

"Erin..." Jay gave her a look.

"Just was curious how support groups worked is all...Charles wants me to go to one but..."

"You find one that fits and it is worth every second...one you don't fit though...makes it worse." Jay told him.

"Good to know." Hank answered, then looked around at he apartment and saw the guitar leaning against a chair. "Figured you would have at least mentioned living together."

"You're the one who said to keep work and home separate." Erin glared.

"Christ Linds." Jay said scooting back his chair.

"Which you have been doing and I appreciate it, but you both know it is different."

"You gonna kick him out of the unit now?" Erin asked jumping up and going quickly into the kitchen leaving the two men alone.

"Not kicking you out." Hank said to Jay as he stood up and walked into the kitchen.

Jay pushed his plate away from him and leaned back in the seat, listening to the conversation going on just a few feet behind him. "Erin look at me." He heard Hank mumble to her, "I'm not kicking anyone out of the unit."

"Then why do you always threaten it?"

"I trust my team and I trust you and Jay...I havent said anything about it in quite some time, but it is obvious from your attitude you do listen when you want to." Jay smiled at that, Hank was right, he hadnt said anything in months.

"I really like him." Erin said, and Jay could tell by her tone of voice that she was trying not to cry.

"I gave him the key remember...you think I would give that to just anyone?"

"I don't want to screw this up." Yeah...definitely crying now.

"Halstead stuck by you and pulled you back from the deep end...he did the same for me...and he didn't do that for me...he did that for you. You need to talk to him, let him in more. Trust yourself like he trusts you."

"Humph...I basically told him that same thing when I told him you were bringing dinner tonight."

"Christ Erin...we planned this two weeks ago and you just told him today?"

"I was scared he would flake."

"If he is one thing he is loyal Erin. I am going home and you are going to explain to him why you are so scared of relationships. In detail..not just saying Bunnie fucked your life up because you and I both know it is more than that."

"Love you." Erin mumbled.

"Love you too Kiddo." Hank told her before walking back out, nodding to Jay before letting himself out.

Jay stood up and began to clear the table before looking at his Partner. Even when he looked at her he didn't say anything right away, he went over and kissed her gently on the forehead and ran his hands down her arms. "I'm going to get ready for bed, when you are ready you know where to find me."

Thirteen minutes passed from the time he walked out of the kitchen and when she crawled into bed next to him, her head on his chest. "Why do you treat me like this?"

"Because you are worth it." He answered her as he slid his arm around her and pulled her into him.

"Not everyone would agree with you."

"Do you think I care what other people think?"

"You care what Hank thinks."

"And he agrees with me."

"My dad left us...Teddys dad left us...husbands 3 and 4 left us...all the guys..."

"In case you haven't noticed I am not them."

"They didn't start out leaving."

"Only way I am leaving is in a coffin. And even then I may have to haunt you."

"How can you say that with a straight face?"

"Erin, I need you as much as you need me...maybe more. So whatever happened in your childhood...whatever you had to deal with I am not about to add to that list. You can talk about it now, ten years from now or never and it won't change anything."

"Hanks the only one who hasn't left...and he would have if you didn't get to him in time..."

"I'm not going anywhere, and neither is Voight."

"You can't promise that though...not with the job that we do..."

"Well how about this, If I go it will be involuntary and I will haunt you."

"Real mature."

"Well? I will haunt you...when you are in bed at night I will ghost kiss you like this..." He said as he kissed her forehead, "and when you are in the shower I will..."

"Go to sleep." Erin said kissing his chin.

Life went on, cases came and went and then they were at Chicago Med digging through a ladies purse because she had been poisoned by chemo...fucking cancer... Killing people even when they don't have it! When Antonio blurt out the name "Dean Reybold" He noticed Erin immediately tense up and her head snapped over to Voights before she jumped up, followed by Al out into the hallway.

He sat dumbstruck along with the rest of the team until Erin came in and barked, "Halstead with me." He was up and out the door before she had even finished the order. When he got to the hallway and saw Hank looking like he wanted to punch a wall with Al standing next to him he reached his arm out and took Erin's hand. Camille...this doctor poisoning the women had been her doctor.

Jay put his hand, the one not holding Erin's, on Hanks shoulder and he turned his head and focused first on Jays other hand and then his eyes. "Drawer in my desk." He told Hank quietly, earning a questioning look from Al when Hank mumbled a thanks.

Jay allowed Erin to take the lead when they went to this doctors office, only speaking up when he knew Erin was wanting to punch the guy in the face. He didn't push her to talk to him but maintained some physical contact with her starting with the second she let him drive.

When they raided the office a couple hours later, this time with their warrant...Antonio and Kevin found the secretary shredding documents and Jay and Erin interrupting a meeting only to be stormed in on by Voight and Al...despite the DA saying not to arrest him Hank did it anyway, having Jay do the actual cuffing.

By the time Erin and Jay finished booking him on charges of obstruction Hank had long since gone home. When they walked into his house with a pizza and case of beers they found him walking out of his office blurry eyed. "Didn't think you would be cooking tonight." Jay said handing him a beer as he walked towards the couch, making himself comfortable.

When he flipped the tv on it went to the DVD player with the dvd of Camille they had given him for Christmas. Erin walked over to Hank and put her arms around him only to be shrugged off by Hank, "Games on six."

When Erin sat down she leaned into Jay and he put his arm around her. Two minutes after she finished her slice of pizza she had fallen asleep against him with Hank watching. "I know her cancer was back...but if she had gone to another doctor..." Hank mumbled.

"I cannot even begin to imagine a life without her." Jay said leaning his cheek against Erin's head, "I wish...hell Hank, I don't even know what to say because nothing I say would change anything...but if this guy really did do what we think he did...we will nail his ass."

"Your extra cash from this dumbass security gig... You saving for what I think you are?"

"When she is ready." Jay answered.

"And when she never gets ready?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Take her up to bed...I want her here tonight."

"Doors open tonight." Jay said standing up and pulling Erin up with him.

Erin sleepily walked over to Hanks chair and leaned over and kissed his cheek, "Never forget I love you."

Jay could see the tears form in his bosses eyes and as he passed he quickly squeezed the mans shoulder, "Doors open." Jay reminded him, earning a choked grunt.

Together they climbed the stairs and Erin crawled into her old bed hardly pausing to kick in front her shoes before she was asleep. Jay took his time, changing into the pair of sweats he had kept there before sitting down in the edge of the bed and playing on his phone as he waited for Hank to come up the stairs behind them.

Six rounds of Clue Bingo later and still no Hank, Jay set his phone down on the side table and walked back downstairs. He found Hank paused, staring with tears silently running down his cheeks at a photograph of their family. "What would she say to you if she was here right now?" Jay asked leaning into the wall next to him.

"To stop blubbering." Hank choked out.

"Really?"

"She hated it when I got upset..."

"She knew how to get under your skin."

"I miss her Kid." Hank admitted wiping his face quickly on his sleeve.

"Gathered that much a long time ago."

"Ass." Hank grunted.

"We are going to get him."

"Doesn't bring her back."

"Will keep others from losing people though." Jay said gripping Hanks shoulder, "Go get some sleep Sarge." Hank gave a slight nod before turning on his heals and walking up the stairs. Jay gave him a minute, taking the time to study the photograph before heading back up for the night.

As the case dragged in he could see the toll it was taking on both Hank and Erin. The trial especially...getting his medical license taken away for fraud. It still wasn't murder though and despite the overwhelming evidence against 'doctor' Reybold until he was locked up it wasn't good enough.

Jay knew that Erin would hang around late at work to make sure Hank was okay and on the few days that she couldn't he would stay in her place. An unspoken agreement between the two of them. Jay needed Erin to be okay and Erin needed Hank to be okay...so Jay needed Hank to be okay.

The second case, to get him for murder...when Hank was on the stand, sharing personal-intimate memories of Camille and her sickness it was hard to hear. Hard to sit on the bench and watch him basically reliving his wife's last days. Jay knew that once the trial was over the personal side of Hank would go back into hiding, but this time the entire unit was being allowed to witness his testimony. To see the family relationship with him and Erin that he had tried to protect for years.

After the verdict and sentencing were given Hank and Erin left pretty quickly. Jay hung back with the team to attempt to answer any questions Adam and Kevin would have. "Go be with them Halstead." Al told him after he had explained to the two that Hank never officially adopted Erin, as if that piece of paper meant anything to either of them.

"Told her I would give them time with her." Jay told Al with a sad smile.

"Dawson and I will take you there and drive Erin's car back. Assume you will both be staying at Hanks tonight." Al told him, basically ignoring what Jay had said.

"Going to try to get them to take a personal day tomorrow."

"Good luck with that one." Antonio smirked. "He will want the distraction and she won't leave him alone. Bet you twenty you and me are going to be spending more time together this week."

"Hank is going to keep those two together. Will try to separate the family from work but wants someone who knows her." Adam mumbled.

"Knew there was a reason you were in intelligence." Al chuckled.

"Think we've given them enough time." Antonio said with a shake of his head.

"You two go back and stay out of trouble." Al told Adam and Kevin, "We will be there in a bit."

As they pulled into the cemetery Jay handed his keys to Antonio, "Her keys are on here, just take it back to Hanks and leave them in the box. He will be in tomorrow before we are."

Antonio and Jay hopped out of Als car at the same time, the three of them seeing Erin and Hank huddled together in the grass at the grave. "Sure you got this Kid?" Al asked through the rolled down window. Jay just nodded before walking up the small hill to be with his family.

"Camille if you can...help me get these two to see that they are loved...that they loved you so much...that it is okay to miss you like crazy and to let them know how proud of them you are." Jay said quietly to the headstone before wiping a tear from his own eye, "I hope you are there with my Mom...just please help us keep pushing through."

Feeling Erin's soft hand on his he turned to face them, trying hard to hold himself together seeing both of their wet and tear stained faces. "Dad give Jay your keys. We need to go home."

They fell to the ground as he pulled them for his pocket and Jay saw just how weak he was, how much the trial took out of him and he wondered if Antonio was wrong...he knew he would be basically carrying Hank to the truck or they would never make it.

Jay knelt down in front of his boss and held his hand out, "We got him." Jay said as Hank looked up, with a nod he weakly reached out and he felt Jays strength in his grip as he allowed himself to be pulled up. Erin quickly wrapped her arm around his waist and let her lead him to his truck.

Hank fell asleep as Jay drove them out of the cemetery. "Did you need to stop by your apartment on the way?"

"Yeah...think I will stay there a few days."

"We."

"You want me to grab your bag then?" After seeing a slight nod Erin nodded, "Thanks Jay."

"You talk to Justin?"

"I will call him tonight...he didn't need to know about the trial stuff...he was too young when she died and he didn't know about everything that went on." When he pulled up in front of the apartment he turned around and looked at her, "You stay out here with him. It will just take a minute."

After she got out Jay turned to look at Hank who he thought was asleep, "I am benching myself for a few days...already put my piece in the box at the station."

"Al know?"

"Will when he finds the key on his desk."

"As bad as last time?"

"No."

"You have the book?"

"Nothing to write. Miss her. Tired."

"You want us to stick close or give you space?"

"Make her take a nap."

"Mouse finished putting together all your old videos. Have the DVDs in my bag."

"You watch them already?"

"Some. A lot of them we just skimmed and put them in order."

"Hmm." Hank acknowledged before leaning his head back and closing his eyes again.

Erin quietly got back in the truck and Jay drive them across town and parked in the driveway. "Why don't you go get the house opened up and head up to take a nap, I'll make sure he lands in his chair."

Once Erin was in the house Jay grunted, "Want help?"

"No." Hank grunted in response but Jay still wade around to the other side of the truck and followed right behind. When Hank sat down in his recliner Jay kicked the handle forcing him to lay back.

He draped a blanket over him and gripped his shoulder, "Door will be open." He told him before retreating to the stairs.

"Halstead?"

"Yeah?"

"Take care of our girl."

Jay turned around and walked back into the living room, sitting on the arm rest of the couch and facing him, "She is okay as long as her old man is okay." He deadpanned.

Turning his head towards Jay, with a shaky voice he mumbled, "Don't know how many more days like today I can handle."

"We handle what is thrown at us. Together. Now take a nap before you start crying again. You are getting soft in your old age." Jay said with a smirk, he knew damn well that his comment would never fly when they were in work mode...but family mode...that was different.


	20. Chapter 20

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"Halstead?"_

 _"Yeah?"_

 _"Take care of our girl."_

 _Jay turned around and walked back into the living room, sitting on the arm rest of the couch and facing him, "She is okay as long as her old man is okay." He deadpanned._

 _Turning his head towards Jay, with a shaky voice he mumbled, "Don't know how many more days like today I can handle."_

 _"We handle what is thrown at us. Together. Now take a nap before you start crying again. You are getting soft in your old age." Jay said with a smirk, he knew damn well that his comment would never fly when they were in work mode...but family mode...that was different._

By the time Jay made it upstairs Erin was asleep on the bed and Jay laid down next to her and closed his eyes quickly falling asleep. He woke up a couple hours later to find Erin still asleep next to him. He got up quietly and went downstairs to raid the fridge and figure out something for the three of them to eat.

Thinking Hank was still asleep Jay walked through the hallway and into the kitchen instead of cutting through the living room like he normally did. "Bring me a cold one." Jay heard as he stuck his head into the near empty fridge, pulling out two long necks before walking into the living room. "Already called for Chinese."

"You taking time?" Jay asked as he reached for the remote flipping on the television.

"Nah. Maybe take a look at a few cold cases or something. Sitting around...can't do it."

"Go visit Justin?" Jay suggested only earning a grunt in response. "He'd probably like to see the dvd Mouse put together."

"Not worried about him..."

"She is fine. Worried about you is all. She is doing really good."

"You two always talk about me?" Erin asked walking into the living room and taking her place on the couch, grabbing the remote from Jay.

"Better than talking about work isn't it?" Jay smiled at her.

"He's right. I've been going to meetings...haven't talked to Bunnie...I am basically with you two around the clock." Erin said settling on Say Yes to the Dress.

Jay smirked at Hank, "Burgess and Ruzek are done and I doubt you are helping Platt so what gives on the show?" He asked her.

"Shut up. There isn't anything else on." Erin said punching Jay in the shoulder before putting her hand in his.

Jay gave it a quick squeeze before reaching over to where Erin had dropped his bag. "Got the dvd if you want to watch that."

"Put it on." Hank nodded to the tv, "Anything is better than this shit. $20,000 for a dress you wear for a couple hours? What is wrong with people?"

They sat and watched the dvd as they ate Chinese food and alternated laughing and crying, Mouse did an amazing job putting together clips from nearly all of the videos. It was near ten by the time the dvd ended.

"I'll take care of this stuff, you two can hit the sack." Jay said as he gathered up the plates and empty boxes from their dinner.

"I really am okay." Erin told Hank when Jay went into the kitchen.

"A father always worries about his kids." He told her with a sad smile.

"Do you think I would make a good wife?"

"The two of you are good for each other."

"Not what I asked."

"I have seen the two of you put more blind faith in each other more times that I can count. You would die for each other, do anything to help each other...Erin what do you think marriage is about?"

"I dunno...I'm no good with the cooking and cleaning and all that stuff."

"That is not what makes a good wife...or Mother." Hank added. "Erin as long as you have love and trust that is all you need...the rest figures itself out."

"We still hardly talk about our pasts."

"All that matters is your futures Kiddo."

"What if he finds something out and it freaks him out?"

"He knows I arrested you for solicitation, he knows better than almost anyone your struggles with addiction, he has met Bunnie and Teddy...and he takes care of me. Besides he has his own family issues and a whole host of shit from his time in the military."

"I wish Camille were still around. She is way better at this stuff than you...though you are getting better." Erin smirked.

"Go up and get done in the bathroom. We will be up soon." Hank said standing up and leaving her alone, smiling when he heard the creak in the stairs.

"Al called."

"Have my phone off."

"He put it back in your desk and said if you are okay enough to come in you will have it on you when you are at work."

"That all he say?"

"Are you okay enough to work?" Jay asked, leaning against the counter.

"She needs me to be."

"Cut the crap."

"I'm fine. Just been a long month." Hank said sitting down on a stool.

"You weren't fine earlier. I need to know where your head is."

"My head is fine...Ruzek on the other hand..."

"Talked to Al about him too."

"What about Al and his kid mess, Dawson and his wife..."

"You are the one who left your piece at work. We all have shit going on, you are the one..." Jay stopped as he ran his fingers roughly through his hair.

"Thanks for lookin out Kid." Hank said getting up and walking over to Jay and gripping his shoulders. "I'm not gonna do anything stupid."

"I know...but you leaving your gun...means the thought crossed your mind."

"Suicide...you've lost people...Kid I'm not going to do it."

"I thought about it after my last tour."

"We get through together. Now get your ass up to bed." Hank told him as he walked out of the kitchen, shutting off the lights as he went leaving Jay to follow him.

The next couple weeks was spent doing far too much paperwork, digging through some cold cases, a couple of which they were able to close. They sent a lot of time together as a unit, a lot of time as a family. A lot of time with Dr Charles.

When they got called out to to a home invasion they questioned why they were the team to go out. Hank even wandered around on a personal call before going to check it out. It wasn't until Erin found the blood on the sheets and it went from a smash and grab to a sexual assault of a minor that the team really clued in on the case.

Erin took lead on the case, calling in a new CI, Kayla, an old friend to track down the source of the gas. At the party Erin and Jay were able to act at work how they act at home, touching, kissing, flirting-and they loved it...until the NOS guy came in and they had to get serious. When Erin found a girl ODed on the stairs she completely forgot about the chase and focused on her, thanking her lucky stars she was never that girl.

When she finally got back to the station that night she found Jay sitting at his desk in gym shorts and a hoody, wet clothes thrown in a pile next to him, "How's the Girl?" He asked her.

"So you did go for a swim." Erin smirked, "Pumped her stomach, she was lucky...seems to be okay."

"We need to go by the apartment then over to Med. There was another robbery...another girl."

"Halstead you go home. Need you in the office tomorrow. Dawson you take Erin over to interview the girl then go home for the night. It's late."

By the time Erin got back to her apartment she had an unsettling feeling about her...She knew Hank was up to something with Eddy...and as many times as he swore he was good she couldn't get the thought out of her head...and it was over riding anything with the NOS Robberies.

They were all in the bullpen the next morning when Erin got a call from Will saying Tawni had checked herself out. The sinking feeling came back and as soon as Mouse was able to get her location she went to check on her personally.

Meanwhile Voight had Jay running backgrounds for NOS as well as checking into a few other drug runners in the district. Calling a bunch of CIs but mainly staring at the computer screen.

When he saw Tawni's name on a lease for their main subject he felt his heart jump out of his chest. Antonio and Jay raced out of 21 and Dawson drive as fast as he could with Jay screaming directions he was getting over the phone from Mouse. Too amped up to even sit in the seat he was out and running into the house before the truck was even fully stopped.

Finding Erin with a knife to her throat Jay didn't even flinch as he pulled the trigger, splattering the rapists brain all over the bed. He rushed to untie Erin, to make sure she was okay, she had to be okay.

When Erin heard over the radio that Antonio had Tawni she stormed out of the room, wiping blood off her face. One of the medics caught her and held her while Jay rushed past, slapping the cuffs on Tawni and leading her to the squad car.

He wasn't quick enough though and Erin was able to land a solid punch before Kevin and Adam pulled her back. Jay smiled, his girl hadn't lost her fight, she was okay. He was okay...at least until Voight found out what had happened...but Erin was okay. So he was okay...for now.

When they got back to the district neither could concentrate on the forms they were suppose to be filling out, both were worried about the other. Jay knew Erin could have died, Erin knew Jay had taken a life to save hers...and they were both freaked out about Voight reading the reports when he came in the morning.

Despite it being late in the evening Erin got up to get a coffee and Jay followed her into the break room. "You alright?" He asked as he leaned against the wall.

"Yeah." Erin mumbled in response.

"Promise me one thing...never go in without backup again?"

"Im already kicking myself...I bought it."

"We all did..." Jay said stepping towards her, "Alright, lecture over. Wanna get a beer?"

"Definitely, just gotta deliver some good news first."

Jay drove them to deliver the good news before taking them both to Molly's. After a few beers they went to Voights. They had decided it would be better to just rip off the bandaid and tell him before he had to read about it at work.

Finding the house empty Jay pulled his truck into the driveway and Erin led them into the already unlocked house. They sat down in the living room and flipped on the tv, quickly relaxing into the couch and falling asleep.

When Hank walked into his house he shook his head, Erin and Jay didn't even stir. Hank went around and gently squeezed Jay's shoulder, "You got to her in time Kid, I was listening to the radio."

"We all bought it...can't even trust a Vic now...it was too close."

"Speaking of trust...I'm bringing in Eddy. He has Intel we can use. The guy saved my ass but he is a weasel...he is only going to help if it benefits him. Don't want to taunt him if he does want to turn around but..."

"What do you owe him?"

"My life. Was jumped...wouldn't be here if it weren't for that asshole...same for you...when you were taken...he helped us find you."

"So are we suppose to trust him?"

"His Intel will be solid but he just wants his score."

"I'm sorry she went in without backup."

"Take her upstairs and get some sleep." He grumbled at Jay. Jay was able to stand up and lift Erin into his arms and he carried her up and into her childhood bedroom without her stirring. "Has she rested at all since you got her back?" Hank asked.

"No...to stubborn. Probably still has drugs in her system." Jay answered as Hank flipped back the blanket. "They did a tox screen in the ambo, should get the results in the morning."

"Did they hurt her?" Hank asked after Jay laid her down on the bed.

"She still had her clothes on...he had a knife to her throat when I got him...and quite a bump on her head and a few bumps and bruises from dragging her up the stairs."

"No sexual assault though?"

"Fucker wanted to."

"Won't get the chance now." Hank said.

"Too late for that little girl though...Linds said she was in the guest room...won't even go into her bedroom."

"You got to Erin in time, just focus on that. Not the girl, not him...focus on Erin."

"Takin a life doesn't get easier." Jay said sitting down on the bed and putting his head in his hands. "Guy had a knife to her neck easy to kill her and I still feel horrible for taking his life."

Hank reached out and held Jay's shoulder and he leaned into him slightly. "It's late. Get some sleep. My door will be open."

The next morning when Erin woke up she found Jay curled around her under the old quilt in her old bedroom. Jay wasn't usually a cuddler, she knew though that what happened yesterday...he was taking his kill hard. It is part of what made her like him so much. Right and wrong...easy or hard...personal consequences be damned...he always did what needed to be done.

She rolled over and put her arm around him and kissed him softly. "You going to sleep all day?" She asked with a smile when she looked Over at the clock and saw that it was already after eight. "Guess Dad turned off your alarm." She smirked when he finally opened his eyes. Looking at the clock on the wall his eyes widened and Erin started laughing. "Guess he wanted us to take the morning off."

"He is bringing Eddy in as a CI for our new case...Probably didn't want to hear you bitch about the way he handles his business." Jay said to her as he pushed himself up off the bed.

"What the hell does he know? He just got out of lockup."

"He knew enough to find me while he was still in lock up." Jay said shutting Erin up instantly. "May not always like how he does stuff but he gets the job done."

"Your clothes are in the top right drawer." Erin told him before climbing out of bed.

When they finally made it into the 21st they sat down and got to work. They didn't need to be told that whatever info was being passed inside of Voights office was going to pull someone even dirtier than Little off the streets.

After teasing Adam about getting called out by Little on the lack of wedding fever Jay commented, "I can't believe they were cell mates...and now he is on the payroll." He looked over at Erin and she gave a knowing Voight-esque twitch of her lip.

"I'm sure Voight has his reasons." She graveled.

"He usually does." Al piped up, giving Jay a look.

It was no surprise when Voigt emerged from his office with a plan to go after Rory Jenson by busting the crews that did the dirty work. "You know all of this how?" Jay asked, he knew damn well how Eddy knew and knew the man had helped saved his life...but he was still dirty and Jay didn't trust him. Crowley didn't trust him either and made it well known by calling Voight out in the middle of the squad room.

Not six hours later the team was crawling through a water line to blow their way into the desiples clubhouse and having a shootout with a bunch of dirty bikers. From the shootout until Antonio put the cuffs back on Eddy things were quite tense around the district. Jay had to stop Erin from getting into it with the man more than once.

The night that Voight figured out that Eddy was going to run he called Jay and Antonio to meet them at Molly's. He knew that the only reason he was alive was because Little was going to use him for future benefit but for him to just leave his girl and her kid like they were nothing...it hurt. There weren't many words shared that night as the three sipped on whiskey and words weren't needed. Those two were the only ones who knew about him and Eddy and he didn't have to explain.

After the case was closed Hank took a couple personal days and went to visit Justin and his grandson. Erin was at the family home when he got back in town and Hank found her sitting in his recliner watching a tv cut of Bad Boys 2. "Your head back in the game?" She asked him as he glared at her before sitting down on the sofa.

"Would be if that crap wasn't on my tv and my ass was in my chair." Hank grunted.

"Yes then?" Erin smiled as she stood up and walked over to kiss Hank on the forehead. "Just wanted to know you made it home in one piece."

"Leaving already?"

"Meeting Jay at Molly's. You can come if you want."

"Don't be out too late tonight."

"See you in the morning Hank."

"Love you Kid."

"Love you too Dad." Erin called over her shoulder as she went out the front door.

When Erin and Jay arrived to work the next morning they found Antonio with his feet kicked up and smirking, Adam in a fit of giggles and Al and Kevin standing back shaking their heads. "Voight wants you in his office then come down and see me, you are going undercover." Mouse said scurrying past them.

Looking at each other they smiled and walked into the office closing the door behind them. "Nice of you to show up." Hank grumbled.

"Undercover?" Erin asked.

"Dirty cop. Girl was pulled over, beaten and robbed. Connected to a couple other complaints of dirty cops pulling people over after they were at the casino."

"So what?"

"You two are going in, play the tables, winning preferably then get in a fight so she leaves alone."

"She isn't going anywhere alone." Jay growled.

"She will be tracked...and you will be two minutes behind her."

"I don't like it."

"It sounds fun." Erin smiled.

"What are we suppose to fight about?"

"I don't give rats ass what you fight about as long as you make it believable. Now go get ready. You are going in tonight."

After they were both wired up and in their respective gambling outfits the two of them sat in the car, "I don't want to have a fake fight that ends in a real fight." Jay told her. "It has to be real or it won't work."

"Tell me I shouldn't be drinking and driving or something...you will figure it out...you did a pretty good job arguing about my sebatical..."

"You were on drugs and killing yourself!" Jay huffed.

Erin reached across and grabbed his hand, "You saved my life by fighting with me, if whatever it is turns into a real fight we will figure it out later. I know you have my back and that's all that matters."

"I will call you when the prick gets behind you...just do what he says and stay safe."

They had fun playing the tables, having an endless supply of soda delivered to her and an excuse to dress up and basically have a city paid date...that was until it came time to leave...

"Hey, where you going?" Jay asked her as she went to leave.

"The city, I wan a spend some of this."

"You gonna drive? How many whiskies have you had-like seven?"

"Oh so now you are counting?"

"When Im dealing with a drunk yeah I count drinks." Jay told her.

She knew that was the truth and she knew he had a good reason-even if these whiskers had been soda-she hated that she made him feel that way...so she slapped him. Hard. They had to make this real. "Go find someone else who needs saving."

Throwing up his arms frustrated, he dropped them and tapped his phone on his hip, "You know what...knock yourself out."

As Erin turned and walked away she patted her phone she had stashed in her bra. She felt his eyes on her back as she walked out of the casino. When she got into her car she dropped her phone in the cup holder and sighed. This was it, she was alone until after she was pulled over.

Feeling his heart start to race as soon as she went out the doors he stormed in the opposite direction and got into Kevin's unmarked car waiting out front. She knew Mouse had eyes in the parking structure. He watched the bleep of her car on the laptop screen and they slowly pulled out a couple minutes behind her.

When Kevin spotted the patrol car zip around them Jay pulled out his phone and called Erin...this was it. When they saw Erin's car stop Jays already racing heart went into overdrive. Kevin cut the lights and they slowed to a crawl. Not thirty seconds later Erin hit her call button and they flipped the lights and raced forward jumping out of the car before it was even fully stopped.

As soon as Kevin slapped the cuffs on the guy Jay wrapped his coat around Erin's shoulders, "You okay?"

"Yeah...just hoped it wasn't true." Erin said crossing her arms.

"Ready to go home?"

"Do you count my drinks?" Erin asked as they pulled away.

"Yeah." Jay answered.

"Because I'm an addict?"

"No...I do it to keep us below our limits...always have."

"Since when?"

"Since I had to hold your hair back while you puked all over my bathroom." Jay smirked at her.

"You said I had seven drinks."

"You had 2 whisky sevens and 4 dr peppers."

"How did you tell a difference?"

"Your face when you tasted it."

"What do you mean my face?"

"I mean you made a face when you drank the watered down soda."

"I did not make a face."

"Was my count right?"

"Yes."

"You made a face." Jay smirked as he reached across and grabbed her hand. "If I was worried about your drinking we wouldnt spend so much time at Molly's."

"I'm not going to go off again." Erin told him with glossy eyes.

"I know...but if you ever do I will be right there to pull you back."

"Perhaps without almost getting killed in the process."

"Without you I am as good as..."

"Don't say it."

"Fine then. For your birthday I want to go away. Go to the cabin or Carribean or something."

"You're crazy. We can't take time and just go."

"Pretty sure Hank would like the idea."

"I'm pretty sure that isn't your decision."

"Just...please think about it."

"Can we go see her?"

"Sure, when did you want to go?"

"Now." Erin told him with tears in her eyes.

Jay held her hand a little tighter and fought back his own tears as they pulled up to the cemetery. "You want a flashlight?" He asked as he put the truck in park.

"You still have that blanket?" Erin asked.

He grabbed the blanket from the backseat and climbed out. Erin walked around and went straight to Nadia's grave, no flashlight needed, she could find her way blindfolded. When Jay caught up he laid the blanket down and they sat down together. "Call Dawson and Ruzek...been too long since we've been down here." Erin told Jay as she laid down on her stomach, head facing the stone and away from her partner.

Not ten minutes later they saw headlights turn into the cemetery and they watched as Adam walked up the small hill, dropping onto the blanket as soon as he reached it and with ragged breathing it was obvious he was crying. Jay pulled the kid over and Adam put his head against Jays knee, letting out a sob when Jay squeezed his shoulder.

Erin rolled over and curled around Adam with her head on Jays thigh she wrapped her arm tight around Adams waist and he grasped her hand holding it to his chest.

"Been a while since we've been out here together." Antonio mumbled as he walked up the hill. Sitting down next to Jay. "Been a rough couple weeks." He said leaning into the group.

"I suck at life." Adam mumbled, having gotten his emotions at least partly in check.

"We haven't been checking in on each other...forgot to remind you we've got your back." Jay told him.

"I couldn't handle it...now I've lost her..."

"Falling hard and fast you land hard and fast. You don't need to be engaged or married or whatever...you need to do what makes you happy." Antonio said.

"Friendship has to come first...it has to be solid...we aren't like everyone else...we see death and corruption and mistrust every day...but that doesn't mean we can't be happy, or be in love or get married or whatever normal people do. If you love her Adam you need to show her you can be her friend first. She loved you enough to see you werent ready for a marriage so she let you go...this isn't easy for her either and she is still learning too." Erin told him.

"I guess...just...since Nadia was killed...what if..."

"Can't play the what ifs...we just...we can't." Jay cut him off.

"I can't let go of her." Antonio admitted, "I know she is gone but I can't...I can't see a future without her."

"We aren't suppose to see our futures guys...we are meant only to see right now." Jay said, "And right now I see my best friends...my family, all together and supporting each other. We have all had a rough go in life but the four of us...for the last couple years...since Jules was killed...we have made our own family...sticking together no matter what."

"Through death...and drug addictions..." Erin mumbled.

"Divorces...dating...engagements...and break ups." Antonio chimed in.

"Corruption and scrutiny... More death..." Erin finished as she squeezed Adams shoulder before sitting up and leaning against Jay.

"Whatever the future brings, as long as we keep sticking together we will find a way to keep moving forward." Jay reminded his family.

"Nadia is looking down on us smiling. She would be proud of us you know." Erin smiled-feeling the tears sting the back of her eyes. "It has been almost a year."

"Which means it is almost your birthday." Antonio said.

"If anyone tries to get me a cake I will murder them." Erin said, voice cracking.

"No cake...fine...but we need to get out of town...do something." Jay told her.

"I won't feel like doing anything...when I think about it all I see is the damn cake on the ground and her eyes staring back at us..."

"Maybe we should take a trip to New York." Antonio suggested. "All of us...replace the bad stuff with good."

"If I ever go to back to New York..." Erin mumbled as she laid back down next to Adam, again using Jay as a pillow. "I miss her." She sobbed.

Adam rolled over and put his arm around Erin, Jay put his hand in her shoulder and Antonio moved around and sat with his arm on her hip. They at one point or another had all shed some tears as they sat in relative silence, staring at the gravestone in the darkness.

When Jay felt Erin's head grow heavier on his leg he knew it was time to move to their apartment. "You guys want to go back to the apartment for the night?"

They all piled into Jays truck and he drove them back to Erin's apartment. None of them spoke during the drive and they all went their own way once they entered. Jay stood back and watched as Erin went into her bedroom, Adam plopped down on the couch and Antonio went straight into Nadia's bedroom without even turning on the light.

"Turn on the game if you want." Jay told Adam, "I'll be back out in a few minutes...just want to check on Erin."

"You okay?" He asked Erin as he watched her as she got ready for bed.

Erin walked over and wrapped her arms around her Partner, "I'll be okay. Somedays are harder than others, you know?"

"It's okay not to be okay all the time."

"I wouldn't be here without you." She whispered, kissing him softly on the lips. "Make sure they are okay...then come to bed with me."

"Might watch the end of the game."

"I'll be here."

He went into Nadia's room and saw down on the bed next to Antonio. "Been a while since I've been here...forgot how she smelled...her voice..." He told Jay.

"You know you are welcome here anytime."

"I hate him...what he did to her...what he did to us..."

"We need to live for her...not what he did to her...it will kill you..."

"It is killing me Jay..." Antonio said, voice barely above a whisper and thick with emotion.

"One day at a time."

"Tonight it is one minute at a time...haven't felt this bad in a while." He sniffled. "I was already going there when you called.

Jay reached over and tostled his friends hair, pulling him gently into a hug. "As we get closer to the date..."

"Lindsay's birthday."

"...as we get to the date when things get rough...apartment is open and we will be here to pull each other through."

"It was never this hard with Jules and she was my Partner...Nadia was just.."

"She was different...for all of us. Hell Dawson I'm the one who got her Lindsay's keys so she could go get the stupid cake..."

"I never got to go to New York..."

"Wasn't exactly a tourist trip."

"It's where she took her last breath. I need to go where she took her last breath."

"Love you Brother." Jay said, not wanting to argue. Who was he to say what was a good or bad idea to get closure? Jay felt Antonio relax back onto the bed, turned and saw him lay his head on her pillow. There is no time table for grief, there was nothing to say to take the pain away, loss just sucks. "You need anything..."

"Leave the door open so I can hear the score."

"Bring her blanket out and watch with us." Jay told him as he stood up and walked out of the room. He paused in the hallway and leaned against the wall, he gave her the keys...the keys to the car that she Was beaten and abused and killed in. Fighting the tears that were now burning his eyes he took a deep breath and walked out, flopping himself onto the couch in the living room next to Adam.

"You don't have to be the strong one all the time." Without taking his eyes off the screen Adam mumbled, "And what happened to Nadia...it was not your fault."

With a strangled sob Jays tears pour out and he slid his head over so it rest against Adams shoulder. Adam leaned his head against Jays and tried to focus on the game and not the man crying against him, he knew Jay hated the focus to be on him and knew that if he said anything or offered a hug or any resemblance of comfort Jay would lock up his emotions again.

When Jay hadn't moved at the end of the half Adam looked down to find the man he looked up to, saw as a big brother, had fallen asleep with tear stains down his face he shook his head and gave a small smile. He dug his phone out of his pocket and sent a quick message to Erin, he knew she would be waiting for him.

Erin went into Nadia's room and draped a blanket over Antonio, kissing him gently on the temple, "Sweet dreams." She whispered as she walked out of the room closing the door behind her. She smiled when she walked into the living room and tousled Adams fluffy hair before walking around the couch sitting next to Jay. "How you holding up?" She asked Adam.

"I'll be okay. Missed this." He said nodding towards Jay asleep on his shoulder, "Haven't spent much time together lately."

"He trusts you...for him to be out like this...any noise and he wakes up."

"He doesn't wake up with you."

"Or with Hank...that's what I'm saying...he trusts you. May not say it but for him to be able to sleep soundly..."

"I haven't been able to sleep since Kim gave me back the ring."

Erin gave him a sad smile before standing up and going to the closet for the air bed, that Jay slept through the inflating of. "Your bed kid." Erin told him, rolling her eyes when he turned his eyes to Jay, refusing to move. Erin leaned into Jay and he instinctively leaned into her, she laid him down on the couch before scooting herself down onto the air bed, "You need to sleep too Baby."

He crawled down onto the bed and Erin flipped a blanket over him. "Lay on your side." She whispered, he rolled and rested his head on the pillow. Erin reached her hand under his tshirt and began to gently scratch his back. It took about thirty seconds before Adam fell asleep but she kept scratching until the game was over. She tucked the blanket around Adam and slowly stood up. She kissed Jay, waking him and pulled him up, "Let's go to bed."

When Jay crawled into bed and wrapped his arm around her she let out a sigh of contentment. "I love our family."

"Don't ever forget that feeling." He sleepily whispered into her ear and she smiled. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath in she tried to imagine her life a year ago. How quickly things went downhill and how all the different members of her chosen family had taken turns holding each other up, no one person trying to bear all of the burdens. That was what family did...a real family...she promised herself to never forget.


	21. Chapter 21

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _When Jay crawled into bed and wrapped his arm around her she let out a sigh of contentment. "I love our family."_

 _"Don't ever forget that feeling." He sleepily whispered into her ear and she smiled. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath in she tried to imagine her life a year ago. How quickly things went downhill and how all the different members of her chosen family had taken turns holding each other up, no one person trying to bear all of the burdens. That was what family did...a real family...she promised herself to never forget._

As always time went on, cases came and went and the world kept mvoting forward. The unit had taken more time out to spend time together, visiting Nadia, going to Molly's and even a night where the entire unit went to a Blackhawks game. Things didn't seem as bad when they talked through things together.

When they were all sitting around the bullpen finishing up paperwork from a drug bust Hank called Erin, Jay and Antonio into his office. When Hank told them to sit and closed the door behind them the anxiety levels rose, "I just got off the phone with Benson." Hank started, Yates says he has info on a couple sets of remains they found in Pelham. Says the girls are from Chicago."

"And let me guess he won't talk to them." Jay said crossing his arms defensively.

"Asked for Rollins or you." He said looking directly at his daughter.

"So we are going back to New York." Erin said looking between Jay and Antinio.

"Only sending two of you to Green Haven."

Erin looked at Jay who nodded, "Dawson and I will go."

"Go pack. Flight leaves in three hours."

Erin and Antonio got up and went out of the office and shut down their computers, Jay however didn't move, "Think this is a good idea Sarge?" He asked quietly.

"No...but the other girls...their families...will he keep her safe?" Hank asked Jay.

"No doubt in my mind that he will do everything he can, but..."

"But if anything happens she will go rogue...yeah I thought of that too."

"I am going to take them to the airport."

"Barbque tonight." Hank told Jay before he was out of the office.

The three of them left together and they went to Erin's apartment, all of them had clothes there and it was easier than driving across town. Once they were back in the truck and headed for the airport Jay reached his hand over to Erin's, "I need to know you are going to be okay."

"Why did you want me to go?" Antonio asked.

"You need closure." Jay and Erin said in unison.

"Yates is going to mess with your head again." Antonio told her.

"Let the prick try. I have a family who has my back." Erin smiked to him.

"When you decide to do something completely stupid will you at least make sure you have backup?" Jay asked.

"It's not like I can do anything to him...he is in jail...too many eyes." Erin smirked, "But so help me if that asshole ever sees the light of day it will be his last."

"Dammit Erin."

"Calm down. We are going to interview him...where he will probably only talk about Nadia and then hopefully get something out of him about the other girls...then I can take him to Pelham Bay, I will definitely be getting a calzone and then we will be back home."

"Mouse is going to track both of your phones and you will call if you need anything...I will be on the next plane..."

"We will be fine." Erin promised before climbing out of the truck. Jay got out of the truck and went around and pulled her into a hug, "I promise I will be fine. I am stronger now...because of you." She said kissing him on the cheek.

"Call me when you land." Jay said as he felt a pit grow in his stomach.

Once he couldn't see them anymore he got back into his truck and drove over to Voights. He didn't bother knocking, he just let himself in and plopped himself down on the couch. Hank walked in a couple minutes later with a glass of whiskey in his hand and handed it to him.

"Crews out back when you are ready to join."

"You invited everyone?"

"Yeah...and you are the only one who didn't use the doorbell. Erin told me you could use your family..."

"She called you?"

"Text from the plane."

"I have a bad feeling about this...just something is off..."

"Antonio and Finn have her back...and if something goes Haywire we can be on the next flight out."

"Hank...don't you feel it?"

"Yeah Kid...I do, but until I know what IT is..."

"We barbque." Jay said with a sad smile before taking a sip of the whiskey and standing up.

Al was manning the grill and Kevin and Adam were sitting at the table when the two of them walked out and Jay took the seat next to Adam while Hank took his place back on the grill. Neither verbally acknowledged Jay sitting there and the two of them continued their conversation, giving Jay time to process.

By the time the steaks were done Jay had relaxed and joined in on the debate over who the best Avenger was...a conversation that had Hank and Al shaking their heads at the ridiculousness. Hank was glad Jay was acting like himself though, of course Erin had been right and as much as he hated opening his home, for once he was glad to be wrong.

Jay was followed around by Adam the entire evening but it wasn't Jay who noticed, it was Al. "He following him to make sure Jay is fine or himself?" He asked Hank after Kevin left a little before eleven.

"Erin said Jays brother would be checking in on him...thought she meant Will." Hank answered staring out the back door to where Adam and Jay were sitting at the table, Jay staring at his phone, Adam staring at Jay.

When his phone finally rang the two saw Jay visibly relax and half a second later Adam relaxed back into the chair as well. Erin had landed and they were at the hotel. Jail in the morning. When Hank saw Jay hang up the phone Al left and he walked out to the back. "Eight is going to come awfully early." Hank said gripping Jays shoulders. He slightly leaned into his arm before nodding.

"I can get him home Sarge." Adam said.

"Whatever you want Kid." Hank said squeezing Jays neck.

"We'll go back to the apartment." Jay said pushing himself up. "Thanks Hank."

Adam drove the two of them back to Erin's apartment and Jay made his way to the bedroom as Adam flopped down on the couch. They both fell asleep quickly but woke up just as fast with a six am phone call.

"That asshole..."


	22. Chapter 22

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _Adam drove the two of them back to Erin's apartment and Jay made his way to the bedroom as Adam flopped down on the couch. They both fell asleep quickly but woke up just as fast with a six am phone call._

 _"That asshole..."_

"He won't talk?"

"Only about her...I want to strangle him... He is totally up to something though...I dont know what but he is up to something."

"Stay with Dawson."

"I am going to take him to the beach today until they figure out a way to make him talk."

"I can be on the next plane."

"I know you can. I am okay...really. Pissed off and a little sad I guess but I am okay."

"Dawson holding up?"

"So far."

"Call me when you get back in the city." Jay said as he hung up the phone.

"Let's go for a jog before we go in...it's going to be a long day." Adam said as he rummaged around for a pair of shorts in his go bag.

Forty minutes later the two of them were sitting on the grass at Nadia's grave catching their breath. When Jay looked up he saw Hank kneeling at his wife's headstone. It shouldn't have surprised him that he was there, he came whenever he was stressed, he just didn't think he would be there that morning.

Jay stood up, slowly stretching before walking down the hill towards Hank, "Hey Camille, I already told Nadia-but please watch out for our girl. Need her to make it home in one piece." He came to stand next to Hank, resting his hand on the mans shoulder, Adam stopping a few feet behind. "We bum a ride with you back to the apartment?"

With a grunt and a sad smile Hank nodded, "She call you?"

"He wouldn't talk to her."

"Benson said she was taking him to the beach."

"Erin said she would call when they got back to the city."

"She will kill him if she gets the chance."

"You wouldn't?"

"I'm not worried about me. You two ready to go?" Hank said abruptly ending the conversation. The ride back to Erin's apartment was in silence, for once Adam knew when to hold his tongue. They both said a simple thanks as they climbed out of the truck earning only a small nod from their Sargent before he pulled back into the street.

"I never know how I should act around him...he can be a total dick sometimes but then like at the cemetery he is human..." Adam said as they walked through the door into the apartment.

"He's been giving a shit hand and is dealing with it just like the rest of us."

"He is different with you and Erin."

"Erin is his daughter."

"And that makes you his son?"

"I wish my father was more like him." Jay said pulling his shirt off and tossing it on the back of the couch. "Food in the fridge. I'm going to shower."

"You know how to end a conversation like him." Adam smirked and Jay shook his head as he walked into the bathroom closing the door behind him.

He turned on the shower and quickly climbed in as the tears fell from his eyes, mixing with the hot water and gliding down the drain. He wished his father loved him...as Hank loved Erin...he wished Erin was there with him and not hundreds of miles away going back to the beach where they found her cold, dead body...her eyes burned into his. He knew the prick was up to something, he knew that he would be dead by the end of the week...he knew Erin would be the one to kill him. Yates was too smart, they all knew it but they couldn't do anything about it. As the tears fell he let Erin's coconut shampoo rinse over his body as he silently prayed that they would come out in one piece on the other side.

When he emerged a few minutes later he had his usual smile on his face and rolled his eyes as Adam carried his breakfast burrito with him into the bathroom to shower. He popped one into the microwave for himself and sat down at the stool and pulled out his phone. He sent Erin a quick text, 'Promise you will be in one piece when I pick you up from the airport.'

The buzz from his phone went off the same time as the microwave and after taking a bite he looked at the message, a photograph looking up through the trees and the caption, 'A little bird told me you went to visit her this morning.'

'Little bird huh? How's D?'

'I am going to drop him at the hotel and go in to meet Benson.'

'I need you safe.'

'Take care of Hank.'

'We need you safe Erin.'

'I will call you later.' Jay threw his phone across the counter right as Adam walked back into the living room.

"She will be fine."

"You ready to go?" Jay asked picking up his phone and shoving it in his pocket and shrugging on his hoodie. He walked out the door without waiting for an answer and Adam swung the door shut and rushed after him.

The bullpen was hushed and anxious all day. Hank sat in his office with the door open all day. Kevin and Al were in and out and working with Mouse on a couple different cold cases. Adam was catching up on his never ending stack of back paperwork. They stayed in the office until Hank kicked them out around ten.

The next morning Erin sent a single text, 'Moved him to honor block with Rudnick. WTF.'

Jay responded, 'Be smart Lindsay.'

'Not going today.'

'Coming home?'

'If Benson can get answers I want to bring the girls home.'

'Miss you.'

'Go for a drive.'

'Ass.'

"You get a stupid look on your face when you text her." Hank said walking out of his office. "Take the kid and go get lunch for everyone."

When they were all sitting around the bullpen Hank and Jay both received phone calls at the same time, "Voight." "Hey." They answered.

"He escaped." Benson. "Son of a Bitch tunneled out." Lindsay.

"What?" Jay and Hank yelled in unison both jumping up.

"Yates and Rudnick tunneled out. Killed two power workers and are gone." Lindsay

"Diversion in the yard and a lockdown...when they let us out Yates and Rudnick were missing from the headcount...they got the jump on us Hank." Benson told him.

"Fuck." The two men again said in unison looking at each other nearing panic. "Stay safe." They said hanging up a few seconds later.

"You two...unison..." Al commented.

"Yates is on the loose." They said in unison, "And Rudnick."

"How?" Adam asked quietly.

"Tunneled out. Killed two people already..." Jay answered.

"Benson is starting the manhunt from West Haven." Hank.

"Dawson and Lindsay?" Kevin asked.

"Linds is pissed. They are at the station now."

"They will find them." Adam said hopefully.

"That's what I am afraid of." Unison again.

"When they call back we do whatever we can to assist. Mouse work your magic...do whatever they ask...and track Erin's phone." Hank said before going back into his office and slamming the door.

Jay grabbed his phone and walked out of the pen. He went down and sat in the locker room and called Teddy, he knew Erin and his relationship was still a work in progress but him and Jay spoke frequently even though he had moved back to NY. If shit did hit the fan he wanted to make sure Erin would have someone there and Teddy was there.

Walking back up the stairs Jay answered the phone again, "Found Browyn stuffed in a trunk...I will be with Dodds. Dawson is at the station."

"Be smart Linds."

"I am keeping you updated Halstead."

"Your head good?"

"I'm fucking pissed Jay..." She said her voice cracking at the end.

"We will get them."

"I will keep you guys updated."

"I will be with Hank."

"Take care of him Jay." She said before hanging up.

Jay walked back through the pen and let himself into Hanks office without knocking and shut the door behind him. "She sounds good."

"She is my daughter."

"She is with Dodds."

"Dawson?"

"Helping check traffic cams or something."

"I want her home."

"Me too. Her head is in the right place this time and I talked to Teddy and he can be by her side in no time if needed."

"Didn't know he went back."

"Yeah...he's working with kids in the shelter now."

"She know you talk to him?"

"Yeah." Jay answered taking a seat in the extra chair and earning a grunt from Hank.

"Shouldn't have let her go."

"Like that would have gone over well." Jay smirked. "Lindsay would have booked her own flight."

"If she is your girlfriend why do you call her by her last name?"

"How we compartmentalize on the clock. Lindsay is my Partner and Erin is my.."

"And that bullshit actually works for you two?"

"Hank..."

"You do that same shit with me too... Sarge, Voight, Hank..." He said resigned, "I need her back here in one piece Kid."

"Do we need to lock up your piece?" Jay asked as he walked towards the older man.

"Nah...just...will you stay close til she is home?"

"On your six." Jay said squeezing his shoulder and reaching for an old photo he was fiddling with on his desk. "This when you decided to bring her home?"

"First time I arrested her..." He said with glassy eyes, "Didn't bring her home for another year."

"You want to go for a drive?" Jay asked, "I could really use a burger." Hank grunted and stood up, following Jay through the pen and earning plenty of looks in the process...he was usually the one leading.

While they were finishing dinner Jay got a series of texts, 'He killed a trooper.' 'Rudnick found...Yates left him in a boat.' 'Shooting at trooper-2 min out.' He read each of them out loud and dropped a wad of money on the table and the two of them rushed out, Jay dialing and hanging up his phone is quick succession as her phone kept going to voicemail.

Meanwhile Hank called Olivia and got her on the line and was getting play by play...when he heard the officer down call over the radio in the background he nearly threw up...but it wasn't her...she was still chasing the bastard...by herself...in the dark.

As Jay drive back to the PD his phone rang, "He killed her dad...left her alone...waved at me when he drove past...he is going to Chicago." Erin said through very angry tears and sobs.

"Are you okay?" Jay managed to ask, relieved beyond measure to just hear her voice.

"Dodds got shot in the leg...I fell and bruised my knee...Dawson and I are on the next plane. Pick us up?"

"Erin when you get back..."

"You can't take me off this Halstead...that little girl...he killed her dad...Nadia...no fucking way."

"I will see you in a couple hours."

"Hey Jay...I could use a hug."

"See you soon." He said as he hung up the phone... "You ready for this?" He said turning towards Hank as he put his truck in park.

"You might not be able to take her off but I sure as hell can. Get Mouse on the fucking cameras. Track her phone...their flight. You bring them here-no stops. Until I get him she is under house arrest."

"Good luck with that." Jay mumbled as he walked into the PD and straight for Mouses desk.


	23. Chapter 23

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"You might not be able to take her off but I sure as hell can. Get Mouse on the fucking cameras. Track her phone...their flight. You bring them here-no stops. Until I get him she is under house arrest."_

 _"Good luck with that." Jay mumbled as he walked into the PD and straight for Mouses desk_.

Good luck with that was right, Erin had still ended up being the one to pull the trigger on Yates with Hank running two minutes behind...Jay two minutes behind him. She allowed both of them to give her a quick once over to see that she was indeed physically unharmed but they both knew her well enough not to even ask her if she was okay, they already knew she was far from it.

She went back to the PD and it was Trudy who did her interview and ruled it a clean shot before the press had a chance to get their hands on her. Erin sent her a text that night telling him she was going to Molly's with Olivia. He sent one back telling her he could pick her up if she wanted. It was radio silence after that.

"Go to Molly's and wait for her." Hank barked at him a little before nine when they were both still sitting at their desks staring at their phones.

"I don't want to push her away."

"I don't want her to slip away. Go. Now."

Jay felt his phone buzz in his pocket as he pulled up to the bar and smiled whe. He pulled up and seeing her picture on the screen. "Halstead." He answered.

"Want to meet me at Molly's?"

"You sure you want me to?"

"Considering you are sitting right outside that seems like a mute point."

"Erin..."

"Come in and have a shot with me and then you can take me home."

It didn't take any more convincing than that. He went in and as he approached the bar Olivia stood up and gave his shoulder a squeeze before she walked out. Herman set two glasses with whiskey with a small nod before leaving the two alone.

"I just want to go home and fall asleep and pretend like this week never happened...I am glad he is dead and that I killed him and it makes me sick but now Nadia...and that little girl...this world is a better place now."

"I was worried about you." Jay told her with glassy eyes.

"Being able to come home to you...you are my happy thought."

"We aren't in Neverland."

"No...but it is...being with you...it makes me feel safe...makes me feel loved."

Jay leaned forward and kissed her forehead, "Let's go home then." He said picking up the whiskey and shooting it back. Erin smiled at him and did the same.

Things slowly went back to normal, except it was as if a dark rain cloud had lifted off of everyone's shoulders. Yates was gone, he could never hurt anyone again...Nadia could finally be at peace. It also seemed that Chicago in general had calmed down, at least as far as intelligence was concerned. They had a couple bigger cases but everything had been cut and dry, handed to them because they didn't have much else in the works.

A few of the guys had even taken to picking up patrol shifts for extra pay since they weren't getting the overtime they were used to. Jay took on a weekly gig that Mouse told him about doing bank runs everyday for one of the local dispensaries. He actually enjoyed it too. Initially he was skeptical, working for the people a few months earlier he would have been putting behind bars but it paid in cash and he got to pick his crew-a retired military guy and security boss. People he could lead, joke with...reminded him of his time in the military...the good times.

It didn't last long though...when their SUV was cornered, bullets flying in every direction...it went from the good part of the military to the worst. His buddy Terry was hit in the neck...he had just found out he was going to be a dad. Jay new...hoped he was wrong...but he knew Terry would never get to meet his child, never get to be the father he was so excited about being.

Instead of feeling like a member of the unit he felt like a suspect, that everything he had done was being questioned...even his relationship and loyalty to Erin was questioned, though from the teams view, from Voights view he already knew the answers...but just like any other case the questions had to be asked.

Erin tried to be there for Jay, really tried. Tried to the point of her staying at his apartment instead of hers, knowing that even though he claimed to be fine he would want her there if he had a chance of sleeping. Hank had told her the questions he had asked and the reaction he got...she knew Jay blamed himself. Not just for Terry but for all the men in his unit he was not able to bring home. Survivors guilt. PTSD thrown in his face. He got them killed. He was not a good enough leader, a good enough soldier to protect his crew.

It had been Mouse who had called Erin to go to his apartment, that she was already at, to tell her that Jay was on his way. She changed into one of his Army shirts and a pair of his sweats before sitting down on the couch in plane sight and flipping on the tv for noise...she didn't want to spook him, she just wanted to be there with him.

She didn't turn around when she heard the door open and him locking his gun in the safe, she knew he would see hers and come when he was ready. She heard him sniff before he went to his fridge and listened to the clink of him pulling two beers out, knew he was trying to compose himself and stop the tears he didn't want her to see.

"I am fine Lindsay." He said as he sat down on the couch next to her.

She looked over at him and rolled her eyes, "Didnt ask Halstead."

They were both quiet for a couple minutes staring at the tv as an old episode of Home Improvement played before she felt Jay lean his head into her shoulder with a whispered, "Thanks."

She laced her fingers into his and squeezed tight, "I am staying here tonight, you need to sleep."

He didn't bother with speaking his mind-that sleep would be hard to come by, that he was scared to death of what dreams would bring, that he hated himself...She had already acknowledged all of those thoughts by leaving her gun in the safe, having the tv on louder than it needed to be, to wear his favorite shirt...she knew already. Just like he knew the last couple nights..He didn't have to say anything, she just knew. She knew that when he was ready he would be ready. He had tried to push her away, or use her for sex...trying to block out the pain. She knew him better than he knew himself though it seemed and she gave him exactly what he needed it when he needed it.

Jay got up from the couch slowly and Erin turned off the television as he went into the bathroom she went into his bedroom, turned off the main light and turned on the lamp pulled back the blankets and crawled into the bed.

Coming into the bedroom he sat down on the edge of the bed and she could see his muscles tense beneith his fitted shirt. It was different tonight than it had been, the call from Mouse was proof enough of that. Clearly for as close as those two men were Jay had not told him she had been camped out at his apartment since the shooting. She sat up and moved over and began to massage his back, "Not going anywhere." She whispered to him after a couple minutes. He slowly stood up and dropped his jeans to the floor and then pulled off his shirt revealing the fading bruises still covering his torso. "Jay." She said motioning him to lay down with his head on her chest.

"When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart. I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you..." Erin whispered the Savage Garden song that had basically gotten her through her teen years.

She felt the dampness on her shoulder and rolled so she was facing him, cradling her face in her hands, "If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone..." She traced the creases in his forehead, followed the tears from his eyes, ran her fingers through his hair and rest her lips on his forehead leaving them there until his body relaxed into hers and he fell into sleep, it wasn't until she heard his soft snoring that she loosened her hold on him.

Even in his sleep he held tight to her and she had to stretch her arm to reach her phone to send a text back to Mouse that Jay was asleep. Then she set her alarm and closed her own eyes, holding him a little tighter as she fell asleep.

The beeping of her alarm going off woke her and she found herself still tangled up in the arms and legs of her partner, her best friend...her boyfriend. She untangled herself from him, shut off her alarm and went about getting herself ready for work. When she finished with her shower and found him still asleep she went over and sat down next to him and ran her fingers through his hair, "You want to take the day off?"

"No." He grumbled, finally opening his eyes, "what time is it?"

"Little after seven. Take the day Jay, go visit Lissa." She said grabbing his hand.

"I will go see her after we get the guy that killed her husband."

"Feel better after sleeping?" She asked with a smirk before standing up and dropping her towel on his lap and walking around to go find her clothes.

"Should have woken me up earlier." Jay groaned as he grabbed her from behind, kissing her neck.

"Good thing I used up all the hot water." Erin monotones. "Your ride is leaving in ten."

As the two of them entered the PD Jay turned to her, "I'm gonna be with Dawson or Al till we get him...want you with Hank... I need to..."

"I want your head in the game Jay we will get him before Terry's funeral."

"You can't promise that Erin."

"Yes Jay I can. No one messes with our unit and gets away with it."

"Thanks Lindsay."

"I've got your back Halstead." She said before she followed him up to the bullpen to get to work for the day.

The next couple days were tense and Jay refused to go home and was hell bent on catching the guy. When he stopped looking at Erin or anyone else in the eye Al stood up and went over to his desk, "Let's go for a drive." He told him with hands in his pockets and very authoritarian for Al.

Jay huffed and stood up, throwing on his jacket and following him down the back steps. As soon as he was out of view Erin got up and stormed into Hanks office slamming the door behind her. "He hasn't slept in two days. He blames himself and if we don't get him it will kill him."

"Al went to drive him to sleep."

"He's not a toddler."

"I'm trying here."

"The funeral is this weekend."

"Get back to work then."

"Hank you don't get it. He blames himself..thinks it is his fault...not just for Terry but for the guys he lost when he was serving...for Nadia...me..."

"Erin get back to work. Brianna will be here shortly." He instructed, basically kicking her out of his office.

She was preparing for Another sleepless night and she finally heard Als radio call that they got him...that he needed a bus. He restraint it must have taken Jay not to stop the guy dead...but they got him. It was only a matter of time before Jay broke...she knew it was coming and she was ready. Only he never came home...Hank called her a little after midnight that Jay was still sitting at his desk...writing up his reports. Making sure that the case against him was solid. He said Adam even stayed until eleven to get his part completed.

Erin brought Jay a change of clothes when she came in early the next morning and dropped the bag on his desk making him jump. "Go shower Halstead we are going for a drive." She ordered.

She was waiting for him outside of the locker room when he came out ten minutes later, "Go give Brianna her money back. She's downstairs waiting for her golden boy." Erin smirked. "I'll be waiting for you." She said handing him the stack of cash and trading it for a kiss.

"Erin?"

"What like no one knows." She said with an eye roll, "Go give the woman her money."

When he came back up a half hour later he sat down on the edge of Erin's desk, "Told her I quit."

"Good. Now go talk to Lissa. You be the one to tell her you got him. Let her know that we will be there for her and their son. There is a meeting at the VA at five."

"I'm fine Erin." He told her.

"I'm your Partner. Go spend time with Lissa. And you will be at the meeting at five if I take you myself."

"Will you be home when I'm done?"

"No. Should get done with Dr Charles not long after you. Going to stop by my apartment to get stuff for tomorrow then I will be at your house."

"You have your phone?"

"You need me I will be there." She said squeezing his hand, "Go Jay. She needs to hear from you that we got the guy that killed Terry."

"I don't..." He wavered.

"Jay you and I both know you NEED to do this and it isn't something you can do with me there." She felt Mouses eyes on them along with everyone else who was sitting in the bullpen. "Go to Lissa."

He knew she was right. Being around her it was impossible for him to hold his walls up. She could read him too well. If he had any chance of being strong for her, for Terry's pregnant wife he had to do it on his own. So when Erin put her keys in his hand and closed his fingers around them that is what he did.

As soon as he was out the door Erin went over to Mouse and handed him her phone, "Make it do the tracking thing." She said waving it at him.

"It's already there, you just have to open it. Built in on the iPhone...just had to make it so you guys were authorized on each other."

"Oh." She said pulling her hand back and clicking on her phone.

"In contacts click on his and it will show you where he is." He said with a small smile, "I am meeting him and Ethan at the VA group."

"He said he was going?"

"No...but he will...Terry got accepted to academy...don't think he knows...she is going to tell him though. Terry looked up to Him...wanted to be like him." Mouse rambled.

"Didn't realize you knew him too. Sorry Greg." Erin told him.

"Yeah yeah. Hung out a few times after the group. Good guy."

"You going to the funeral tomorrow then?"

"Uh...no. I...I can't." He stuttered.

Erin walked around his desk and leaned over giving him a quick hug, "Here for you too if you let me."

"Thanks...and the change in Jay...it's because of you." Mouse told her.

"Erin my office." Hank barked from the doorway. Erin rolled her eyes, smiled at Greg and went into her fathers office. "He is going to take time off. Charles will tell me when he is ready to come back after meeting with him."

"He needs to work."

"The hell he does."

"Hank!"

"Wednesday at the earliest. He wants longer he can have it."

"This your way of separating us?"

"His friend was killed. You are taking the weekend to be with him. Help him get his head straight."

"Hank..."

"Erin I saw him. Al told me what happened when he caught him...Kid needs time...he needs you but he also needs to see a doc."

"I'm going home to get my stuff and then go over to his apartment."

"Hey Kid..." Hank said when she turned to walk out, "He's a good one."

"Why don't you tell him that?" She said walking down the stairs leaving Hank staring after her.

Erin took a cab to her apartment dug through her closet and threw some funeral appropriate outfits in a bag before she jumped in the shower. When she got out she checked her phone and saw that Jay was still at Terry's. Figured he would be but wanted to make sure. Once she had gotten dressed in clean clothes she grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder, walking to Med to meet with the doc.

Wil was getting off shift just as she was walking out and offered her a ride. She pulled out her phone again and saw that Jay was at the PD...not at the VA, not at Molly's but at the PD. "Can you drop me off at the station?" She said feeling her stomach drop.

"Everything okay?"

"No...not really anyway..."

"Case with Terry? Thought you guys got him."

"We did...but Jay is back there...he...was going to a group with Mouse and meet at his place..." Erin said sending a text to Hank as Wil drove a little too fast across town.

Hank looked up from his phone just in time to see Jay knocking on his open door. "Yah, come in." He grunted.

"Um, I just wanted to come in and say thank you for keeping me on the case."

"Well right now you're going to take a weeks leave."

"I appreciate it, but I'm fine. Really."

"Not open for discussion." Hank could see the pain radiating off the kid and hoped Erin would get there soon...this was not his wheelhouse.

With a heavy sigh Jay mumbled a "Thanks." Before turning to walk out.

Remembering what Erin had told him earlier, "Hey, I've been meaning to tell you I'm damn lucky to have you in my unit."

Hank saw the nod before Jay stiffly rushed out of his office, out of the bullpen and into the locker room. He got up and walked to the door, debating following him in there but knew that Erin was on her way he instead decided to just stand guard at the door. He could hear the water turn on, heard he click of his shoes on the tile floor...and then the sound of him sliding to the floor as he saw Erin run in the pen.

"Get him home." He said nodding to the door behind him and stepped out of the way, "Take care of your Partner."

Erin nodded and with tears in her eyes she let herself into the locker room. "Wil is downstairs."

The sight before her and her own tears began to fall. "Jay?" She said, a whisper but loud enough she knew he heard her as she walked towards him. She had seen him cry before but never like this. Holding his head in his hands his entire body was shaking as silent tears dripped from his chin to the floor.

Sitting down next to him she put her hand on his shoulder interrupting him from his own thoughts. He immediately tried to wipe his eyes and straighten out. "Not this time. We are in this together now. Don't hide from me."

"Hard not to." He choked. "My fault they didn't make it home...my guys..."

"You didn't pull the trigger Jay."

"Why...why did I make it home when they didn't?" He asked, looking up to her with glassy eyes and tear stains down his cheeks.

"Jay..."

"I'm serious Erin...I shouldn't be here." He said anger flashing through his eyes.

"He said he was lucky to have me."

"Who?"

"Hank...but he's wrong...I just get people killed."

"How many times have you saved my life?" Erin asked him. "His?"

"Halstead you listen to me for two minutes...and then she will take you home." Hank graveled, "I meant what I said, we are damn lucky to have you in this unit...and in our civilian lives. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Erin wouldn't either. Hell you have saved everyone in this damn unit so do not for one second doubt your role here. As for the men you lost...you were man enough to look their wives and mothers in the eye...you are there for everyone else but don't take the time to be there for yourself."

"Pretty thick coming from you Sarge." Jay mumbled as he wiped his eyes again.

"Go home Jay. Do some processing. You both take a long weekend. Can come back in after you see Charles on Tuesday."


	24. Chapter 24

_So I know I swapped the Voight conversation with the funeral but in my head it made more sense... I usually try to stay pretty in line with the episodes but to me it would be weird to have him take time after the funeral rather than before._

 _Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"Go home Jay. Do some processing. You both take a long weekend. Can come back in after you see Charles on Tuesday."_

He was silent the whole drive to his apartment And walked in and grabbed two beers from the fridge, meeting Erin on the couch. "I don't care if you talk...but I'm going to explode if I don't. I fucking wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. You keep me from going off the deep end and I know it is really selfish but maybe you are still here to keep me here or something. When I heard about the ambush...it could be your funeral tomorrow and that would kill me. So I don't know what you are going through and I get that you don't want to talk about what you went through but if I ever hear you say that you shouldn't be here I am going to kill you myself." She ranted.

Jay set the bottles on the table and stared at her as her eyes welled up with tears his mirrored hers. "Erin..."

"I thought I lost you again." Erin whispered.

"I'm right here." Jay said resting his hand on her knee.

"You were crying on the floor of the bathroom." She said as she reached forward and grabbing one of the bottles.

"I am fine." He told her.

Taking a swig she drilled her eyes into his, "Clearly."

"Its not a crime to get upset."

Erin leaned forward and set her bottle down on the table, "Getting upset...Jay...you have been through too fucking much and you held it...You held it until I found you on the floor of the bathroom...I am your Partner...let me be your Partner."

Wiping a tear from his eye he looked to her, "I don't know if I can stop if I start."

Erin crawled over and sat on Jays lap and laid her head on his shoulder wrapping her arms loosely around his shoulders, "Do you trust me?" She asked him. He responded with a small nod and he wrapped his arms around her waist, "Tell me about the first person you couldn't save."

"Ben Corson." Jay said looking at her, "I couldn't save Ben."

"How old were you?"

"I was in high school...you already know..."

"If you met a sixteen year old whose friend was killed...what would you tell them?"

"Erin."

"No Jay, if you met a sixteen year old whose friend was killed what would you tell them?"

She watched as the tears spilled from his eyes, "It wasn't his fault."

"Tell the sixteen year old you still mad as hell that the little brother of his friend was murdered...it was not his fault."

She felt his body tremor as the tears spilled from his eyes, "It wasn't his fault."

"It wasn't whose fault?"

"It wasn't my fault." Jay choked out as Erin pulled herself closer to him and holding his head into her neck as he cried. "Not my fault." He whispered as the tears continued to fall.

"That's right Jay, Ben's death...the guys who didn't make it home...Terry...none of them Jay. None of that is your fault." She whispered to him.

Rocking him back and forth she whispered again, "Say it again."

"Its not my fault."

"What's not your fault?"

"Losing my friends...them dying...it wasn't my fault." He said with a sniff.

Erin pulled back from him and held his face in her hands, using her thumbs to wipe his eyes. "Again."

As Jays eyes searched hers he whispered, "It isn't my fault."

Slowly she leaned forward and gently she pushed her lips into his as she moved her fingers through his hair. "Not. Your. Fault."

"I need you."

"I need you." She repeated back to him. "It's late."

"Don't leave."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Tommorow is going to be hard."

"I will be with you."

"I don't know if I can...if you are there..."

"I am going."

"To bed with me?" He asked with the twinkle returning to his eye.

"I guess I can go there too." She said standing up and reaching for his hand. "My condo is way better than this apartment." She said as she crawled into his bed.

"You think so?"

"You don't?"

"Thank you for being here." He said as he laid his head down on his pillow.

"Go to sleep." She whispered as she curled herself into him.

She woke up feeling the tension in his body, pain radiating off him. She crawled out of bed and kissed him softly on his temple as he stared at the ceiling. She showered quickly and was doing her hair when he finally came in to shower. After she finished she went out to his closet and pulled out his old uniform, his dress uniform...his funeral uniform. She unzipped the bag and laid out the items in the order he would put them on before going over to his dresser and pulling out the underclothes he wore with the uniform.

Walking out of the bathroom he started for his closet but then saw what she was doing. Neither said anything as he dressed. Erin straightened his pins once he was finished and he grabbed her hand and squeezed it. It could have been him being laid to rest instead of Terry.

They walked into the church together but not touching, said all of the appropriate greetings and then went and found a seat. Throughout the mass the partners fought back their own tear and struggled to breathe normally. Not once did they look to the other, they couldn't. They wouldn't. They went to Molly's after and quickly separated, Jay joining Choi and Mouse at a small table and Erin talking with Gabby at the bar. They needed their time to decompress.

Erin waited for Jay to come to her and when he finally did he quickly realized she had been talking with his own brother at the bar. The brother he didn't see walk in even though he had walked passed him. The same brother who was telling childhood stories to Erin for the last half hour. The brother who know had his arm around his back and whispering in his ear that he loved him. Since when did Halsteads talk to each other like that? Erin saw the tears form in Jays eyes as Will had him in an unsuspecting hug. "Will you want to follow us back to my place to watch the game?" She asked quickly, just as quickly leading then both out of Molly's and into the street.

The day had been exhausting...and she knew it was worse for him than it was before...she needed to get that uniform off of him. She hoped going to her place would help too, the unit was on standby...all wanting to come over and cheer them up. She wanted to see how he was, get a better gauge on his emotions before forcing a bunch of people on him. No matter their best intentions she wanted what he needed...and that wasn't something she had an answer to yet.

She had the forethought enough she had laid out sweats on her bed for when they returned and plenty of beer in the fridge. He followed her into the apartment, not realizing fully that his brother was cautiously following him. He stopped when he got to Nadia's door and rather than going into Erins room he went into hers and sank down on the bed. Erin continued on and quickly changed before bringing his change of clothes into Nadia's room.

Standing in front of him she pulled the jacket off his shoulders, pulling it aside and draping it on the bed. Followed by his button up, and green tee. She replaced it with a Blackhawks tee and a soft kiss on his forehead. She knew Will was standing in the doorway watching, studying...knowing that the level of intimacy was completely non sexual. Her brother trusting her with every ounce of his being. Her providing that to him with every ounce of hers.

She gently knelt down and pulled off his shoes, and swapping the black socks for gray. He stood up slowly as she undid his belt, stepping out of his dress pants and into CPD sweats before he wrapped his arms around her neck, burying his face in her neck. "Say it Jay." Will heard Erin tell his younger brother. Jay mumbled something into her shoulder and a few seconds later he saw him lift his head and look at Erin with a small smile. "Games probably starting soon, you want a party or just the three of us?" She said gesturing towards the doorway.

"Call um." Jay said. Erin smiled and kissed him again, "Take your time." She told Jay before turning and walking past Will into the living room.

"She's good for you." Will smiled from the doorway.

"Thanks for being here." Jay said, his voice cracking.

Will walked in at that and wrapped his brother in a hug that looked more like a head lock, "Sorry for..." for what...? Being a crappy brother, running away after mom died, blaming him for not being around...

"You're here now." Jay said pulling back and putting his hand on his older brothers shoulder. "Buy you a beer?"

Erin handed them both a bottle when they came out, "Should be here soon. Jay you turn it on?" They both saw the glisten in her eyes and watched as she walked into Nadia's room.

"Should you?" Will asked.

Jay sadly shook his head, "Could have been me to be buried today."

Will looked at him long and hard and just as he was about to say something his unit at PD walked loudly in the door carrying a case of beer and more pizza than anyone should consume. Instead he just clapped a hand on his brothers shoulder and plopped himself down on the couch.

"Where's Lindsay?" Kim asked setting the pizza she was carrying on the counter.

"She'll be out in a minute." He answered nodding down the hall.

That answer was enough for her but when Antonio noticed the door to Nadia's room open he looked at Jay who nodded at him an okay and Antonio walked down the hall and into the bedroom closing the door behind him. Erin was sitting on the floor leaning against the bed holding Jays jacket staring at a photograph of the two of them. "I almost lost him." She whispered without looking up, she knew it was Dawson who came in without looking up. He is the only one Jay would have let in there.

"We. And We didn't." He said sitting down next to her pulling her into him. "Why are you in here?"

"Jay...he uh..." She paused not wanting to say too much, "He blames himself for Terry..."

"And Nadia?"

"And too many others to count..."

"He seems okay now..."

"I just came I'm here to grab his uniform but then saw this...". She said handing him the photo. "Just miss her." She finished standing up and grabbing Jays clothes and shoes.

"Not the only one." He told her standing up. "We all brought stuff to stay here tonight, figured that would be okay?"

"I'm gonna take these into my room." She said with a small smile. She loved her family.

When she came out of her bedroom she grabbed a piece of pizza and a beer and plopped herself down between the Halstead's, her legs over Jays and leaning slightly into Wills shoulder. "What'd I miss?"

"National Anthem." Adam answered as he leaned back, his head next to her hip.

"And you hogging all the good slices." Kevin smirked.

"Mostly those two acting like five year olds so nothing much." Kim smiled.

The remainder of the game consisted of yelling, moaning, groaning and cheering at different plays, a spilled beer and way way way too much pizza. Kevin left when the game was over, had to get home to his brother and sister. The rest of the crew sat and watched Captain America:Civil War. Kim had gotten up and inflated the air bed and dug out all the blankets and they were now a tangled pile of people. Despite the pillows around everyone was just leaning on someone else.

Antonio was the first to unscramble himself not too long after the movie started and went into Nadia's bedroom to go to sleep. It wasn't too long after that Adam vedged himself agains Erin and Jays legs. As she ran her fingers through his hair she also felt Will lean himself into her back and Jays body got heavier against hers. "How was I nominated pillow?" Erin mumbled earning a snicker from Kim who turned to look and smirked.

"Clearly Adam loves his big sister...and Halsteads...well they obviously have something in common." Kim smirked.

"You're comfy." Jay mumbled.

"You should be sleeping in your bed."

"Movie." He mumbled again, "Shhh."

"He always act like a five year old when he is tired?" Kim laughed.

"I think it is more like a toddler all the time." Will said as he reached his arm around Erin to tousle his brothers hair.

"Movie. Shh." He repeated as he half heartedly pushed Wills hand away before allowing it to rest on his shoulder. He knew he was acting a little more childish that he ever fathomed he would but he also knew with this family, with what he had been through, he wanted the touches, being held...loved on. It was a strange feeling...having his girlfriend and brother snuggling with him on the couch, Adam and Kim leaned against his hip and leg but it made him feel safe.

Kim and Erin shared a look and went back to watching the movie-after all RDJ and Chris Evans...yum! It didn't take long before both Halsteads were asleep, and despite being squished she felt safe, and at home. Thinking she lost him...even the possibility of losing him...having him leaning into her...she really just wanted him closer. And Will...he was just getting his brother back, this hit him harder than her even though he would never admit it. He was just too quiet, none of the smart ass...and now snuggling...it definitely was affecting him.

"Iron Man needs a hug." Kim snickered.

"Don't they all?" As she said that Jay rolled in his sleep nearly kicking Kim in the process if she hadn't leaned forward so he was now completely on top of Erin, head up on her shoulder, inches from his brother and his arm wrapped around both of them. "I am not going to partake in a Halstead sandwich." She groaned.

When Jays head began to slip down her arm he jerked until he felt her arm catch him and he let out a soft snore earning more giggles from both Kim and Erin. Seconds Later Will's head dipped down onto her other shoulder finding its resting spot wedged between her and the back of the couch and releasing the matching snore to his brother.

"Brothers." Kim teased, "A good look for you Lindsay."

Erin knew the brothers were asleep, clearly, but she wasn't sure about Adam. When she reached down with her other hand to once again run her fingers through his hair she felt him hug her tighter. Touch...the kid clearly needed touch. She traced his hairline and felt him scoot into her. "You and Adam talk yet?" Erin asked, she knew they hadn't, at least not productively.

"Some." Kim answered looking over to find Adams eyes closed and his head resting on Erin's knee. "Kinda hard to talk to him though...with what I did...I had to do it...he wasn't ready...I love him though...just don't know how to explain it."

"When you work together...it's hard to find people who understand...it is worth the wait though...be friends first...can't be more without the friendship and trust..." Erin ran her fingers through his hair and let her hand rest against the nape of his neck.

"Adam trusts you." Kim said, "I don't think he would ever come to me when he was upset...not really anyway...he let's himself be vulnerable with you."

"He loves you Kim...he loves the hell out of you...to the point that Al had to get on him about it." When twin snores hit her ears again Erin giggled, "Clearly I never imagined I would be sitting on my couch with my boyfriend sprawled out On top of me...God that can't be a comfortable position...and his brother behind me snoring in my ear and Adam octopused onto my leg watching a Marvel movie with you so you never know what the future may hold."

"He really is kinda bent in half backwards." Kim shook her head, "And we should totally Netflix Girlmore Girls or something."

"Go for it." Erin told her, "Don't think I am going anywhere anytime soon."

Less than ten minutes into Gilmore Girls and the third set of snoring started. "I don't know how anyone can sleep like this."

"Jay not a snuggler?"

"An arm usually...maybe a leg...this though...not so much."

"How is he doing? Really?"

"He's had a rough time...thinks he needed to save everyone."

"Not just Terry?" Kim asked.

"No...too many people...Ben, his Mom...guys he served with..." she said as Will moved his arm so it was now around her and on his brothers back his head slacking back causing him to snore with each breath. She wriggled around with the extra room and Wills head rolled forward into her neck stopping the snoring. Jay jerked around against her and crashed his head against her shoulder whimpering in his sleep and Erin turned and held her lips to his forehead. "You are safe here." Erin whispered and he stopped jerking immediately.

"He...does he always have nightmares?" Kim asked, "I mean...the stuff he did...PTSD?"

"Like I said...this..." waving her arm over Jay's back, "is not normal."

"We do make a messed up bunch."

"When I heard the radio call...I thought it was Jay who...Terry had just found out his wife was pregnant with a boy earlier that day."

"Damn." Kim looked up at Erin, "How long until you knew?"

"Five minutes...but as soon as I heard...I knew he would blame himself."

"Which for him is worse." Kim said seeing the tears in Erin's eyes as she gently scratched Jays back.

"Will didn't know until it was Terry who came into the hospital."

"He the one who worked on him?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't know they were that close."

"They weren't."

"But they are now?"

"They are brothers."

"That's vague."

"They are working on it."

"Turning you into a sandwich in the process."

"Last night he went to talk to Hank..."

"I'm sure that went well."

"Hank told him he was proud to have him in his unit...really likes Him."

"Why is he such an ass to him then?"

"Jay usually deserves it...and he isn't like that at home."

"I didn't know you guys spent much time together."

"He's my Dad...anyways...after Hank told him...Jay...he was on the floor of the bathroom...crying..."

"Because Voight was nice?"

"Because he thinks he should have been the one killed...a hundred times over."

"His back is going to kill when he wakes up..."

"Think I should wake him up to take him to bed?"

"You don't think he will fall back asleep if you do?"

"What about Will?"

"What about him?"

"He is holding on tighter than Jay."

"You care about him."

"He is important to Jay."

"What are you leaving out?"

"I know what it is like to blame yourself...to lose family...and to find a family...it helps them to be close to each other..."

"Touch."

"That's part of it...more learning to be open with how you are feeling...for it to be okay to let others see you when you aren't at your best."

"Kevin and Romam have a hard time with that." Kim said after a minute, "Even more than These guys."

"Everyone is different. You and Roman seem to be getting closer."

"He's my Partner."

"Yeah...I believe I said that for year about this guy."

"Its complicated...Adam...Roman...they are totally different."

"What do you want?"

"For someone to tell me what to do."

"Best advice I ever got... just stop thinking and just do."

"Clearly you didn't get your advice from Gilmore Girls." Kim said giggling.

"When does Will go back on shift?"

"Couple hours." He mumbled without opening his eyes.

"You want to go lay down in a bed and sleep till then?" Erin asked, putting her hand on his arm.

"Want him to sleep." Will whispered with a shrug.

"He's out. He'll be fine." Erin said doing a ninja move and replacing herself with a pillow and laying Jay down on the couch at the same time as laying Adam down on the air mattress. "Kim if he moves just rub the back of his neck and he will go back to sleep."

"Is that so?" She smirked.

"Think you can handle it?" Erin rolled her eyes and helped Will untangle and stand up."Come on." She said to Will, leading him down the hallway to her bedroom.

"Didn't know you knew...that I thought it was...who told you?"

"Does it matter?" Erin said pulling back the blanket on her bed and gesturing for him to get in.

He sat down on the edge and put his head in his hands, "Don't want to lose my brother again."

Erin sat down next to him and nudged him so he laid down on his side, curled around her like a small child, she put her hand on his back and gently started to scratch up and down. "We didn't."

"But we lost Terry."

"Can't save everyone Will. What happened...not your fault."

"Thank you." Will whispered.

"Go to sleep Halstead." Erin whispered as she leaned forward turning off the lamp, when Will grabbed her hand she got that overly familiar gut clench and scooted back closer to her boyfriends older brother. The brother who had watched their mother shrivel away to cancer, the brother who watched his father step out on his mother, the brother who instead of running away to the Army ran away to alcohol and girls...never letting anyone get close. The brother who thought again that he lost his brother. The brother who had let her in because it was her who Jay trusted with his life. The brother who was her friend. "I'll stay till you fall asleep."

As she sat there, scratching his back wishing she could do more she allowed her silent tears to fall. She knew they would be okay, that they would find a way to get through...they always did. It didn't take long before he was asleep and she tucked the blanket up around his shoulders then she walked out closing the door behind her.

She went in to check on Antonio as she walked by and found him staring at the ceiling, "You been awake this whole time?" Erin asked, plopping herself down next to him.

"Nah... just been a long week...being in here...how are they doing?"

"They're still here."

"You going to sleep tonight?"

"Lay down at least. Saw you were awake."

"Go. Sleep. I just heard you talking to Will." He said reaching over and squeezing her hand.

When Erin went back in the living room Adam and Jay were asleep. She had moved back to the chair and was texting. "Roman?" She asked.

"Is it bad to be texting him at 2:30 in the morning when my ex fiancé is asleep three feet away?"

"Does it make you feel better?" Erin smiled as she laid down half on top of Jay on the couch. Earning a cheeky girlish grin in response Erin smiled, "Goodnight Kim."


	25. Chapter 25

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _When Erin went back in the living room Adam and Jay were asleep. She had moved back to the chair and was texting. "Roman?" She asked._

 _"Is it bad to be texting him at 2:30 in the morning when my ex fiancé is asleep three feet away?"_

 _"Does it make you feel better?" Erin smiled as she laid down half on top of Jay on the couch. Earning a cheeky girlish grin in response Erin smiled, "Goodnight Kim."_

When Erin woke up a few hours later she was alone on the couch but Adam and Kim were both still asleep in the same spot. She carefully got up and walked towards her bedroom where she found Jay sitting on her bed looking out the window. "You're up early." Erin crooned, "Come lay down with me."

He crawled over and laid down in his spot next to her. "He looked like he had been crying when he left."

"That makes you feel guilty."

"He thought it was me...but it was Terry. You let him lay with us on the couch...you knew...you knew and didn't say anything...you just...you made sure he was okay last night, held him, hugged him..."

"He's family." Erin shrugged.

Jay pulled her in and held her tight, he had never had anyone accept his family despite their faults. "You still didn't have to Erin."

"Just like you didn't have to with Hank...or Teddy...or even putting up with Justin's shit."

"I don't want to take time off."

"Talk to the Doc Jay. Go to a couple meetings at the VA. You do that and Hank will let you come back."

"How do you know?"

"He's Hank."

"What if Charles says I can't?"

"He won't."

"How are you so damn sure?"

"No one expects you to be perfect...just human."

"I am perfect in..."

"Careful what you say Buddy."

"You think everyone will go to the diner for breakfast?"

"Will it help you?" She asked and he shrugged. "You talk to Mouse?"

"I've been with you."

"He knew Terry."

"Gregs the one who got me the job."

"Go get in the shower. I will text everyone then join you." Erin said with a kiss.

An hour later Erin and Jay were sitting at the table with Antonio, Adam, Kim, Kevin, Al, Hank and Trudy. It was everyone's day off and yet they had all shown up no questions asked. They all lingered long after the meal was done. Talking about nothing and everything, just being near each other.

Hank had parked himself to Jays right and had stayed fairly quiet through the meal. When it was just him with Jay and Erin at the table Hank turned to face the younger man. "What I said before...I am damn lucky to have you in my unit...in my family."

"If I see Charles...go to meetings...you will let me come back?"

"Your friend died, you are using your personal days." Hank nodded.

"So I don't have to do anything."

"My unit, my way Halstead. Take care of yourself." Hank said standing up and clapping Jay's shoulder. "See you in a couple days."

The days off went by quickly, and Jay soon realized that talking to Charles...and going to the VA meetings really did help. What helped the most was being able to fall asleep next to Erin every night and getting a solid eight hours. She never forced him to talk but was always there to listen, and she talked to him in return. Never anything too heavy for too long but any tidbits from either of them was new. They listened to Will too and when he hadn't been at med or out at Molly's he had been spending time with the two of them.

Going back to work he started slow, mostly in office and no overtime patrol shifts and eased his way back to normal. It helped that the city was easing them back too and the unit hadn't been called to any big cases.

His third day back on patrol, his first day back riding with Erin they got called out to a shots fired active shooter situation. What a breakin...one two three jump off the high dive and sink or swim. He of course swam flawlessly. Erin however it was a different situation.

Abusive women's shelter...Erin spent three months in a shelter...when she was eleven. Damn. "You never told me you stayed in a shelter." Jay said sitting on the stool at the bar. When Erin turned to look at him he back peddled, "umm...we don't have to talk about it..but..."

"No, no it's not a thing. It's not like a bad memory." Erin paused, they had talked so much and yet there was so much they didn't know... "ummm...it was summer. Air conditioner rattled a lot. It was like right next to my bed. Bunny forgot my first day of school. So the lady, the one that ran the place, she walked me all the way there. Held my hand the whole way. Actually drove by there a couple weeks ago, I saw her...she was walking another little girl to school."

"She didn't recognize you?"

"I dunno...didn't stop."

"You want to?"

"What?"

"Do you want to go see her?"

"She won't remember me."

"Maybe not...but to know she made a difference...we should go see her."

"We?"

"You'd rather go alone?"

"No."

"I want to be there for you like you are for me...past present and future."

"So romantic...our dates will consist of funerals, therapy and abused women's shelters."

"And Molly's."

"Classy."

"Hey now. Can't knock a guy who grew up in Canaryville."


	26. Chapter 26

_My last update was shorter than normal but I hate long gaps between updates as a reader so I TRY not to go too long as a writer. I am working on getting caught up to the fall finale so there will be plenty of chapters coming ㈳2_

 _Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"I want to be there for you like you are for me...past present and future."_

 _"So romantic...our dates will consist of funerals, therapy and abused women's shelters."_

 _"And Molly's."_

 _"Classy."_

 _"Hey now. Can't knock a guy who grew up in Canaryville."_

Working as a police officer there are always going to be those cases that harder than others. Calls with kids are the worst. Babies though, innocent newborns... an infant left for dead in a duffel bag full of rocks... The entire team was defeated, pissed off and deafeated. Only to learn that once the baby warmed up she was still alive. Ripped out of her teenage mothers arms by parents more worried about their social standing than their daughter or granddaughters wellbeing, sold to another family who allowed the baby to be what they thought killed...and then dumped. And within all that Hank opened up to Erin the Justin was a twin...that his twin sister was stillborn. That their family was always meant to have a son and a daughter. That the reason Camille initially hated the idea of Erin was because she thought Hank wanted to replace their dead child. That it took Camille a minute to see that Hank was not trying to replace a void from their dead daughter but rather he was opening the. Up to fill a hole they didn't know they had.

Jay watched as Erin struggled to comprehend her place in the family, to see that she really did belong. That despite Bunny's faults as a mother she did love her...and it was okay to love her back while still respecting and loving her place as a Voight. It was very different from how he grew up...a loving attentive mother, a mentally abusive father who only cared about his outside reputation. Between the two there was no hope of a flawless family view, it would be entirely a guessing game to their skewed versions of how family should be based entirely on what their childhood families lacked.

They had both reached out to form new families over the years, Jay's childhood girlfriend, The Voights, the Army, the PD. They each discreetly invited others into their hearts and minds and were fiercely loyal to their chosen families.

When the call came over the radio-officer down-Erin and Jay rushed to the scene. She quickly realized if she were to see Kim, if Kim would see her neither of them would be able to hold it together. Erin also knew Hank would keep her from med, keep her hidden...make sure she was taken care of. So she would go be with Sean. She would assign herself as his detail until Hank decided otherwise. She would be the one to feed the unit information.

She wasn't expecting so many other CPD officers to be at med when she arrived...she knew Roman was good police, that he had worked in a few different units across the city but the sheer number of bodies huddled in the waiting room still blew her mind. She walked right past the huddled bunch and through the ER doors to find Will, or Nat or someone who would give her answers.

Maggie was about to scream when she saw someone walk through the door until she realized who it was, "He is in surgery...Conner is working on him."

"How bad is he?" Erin asked, trying not to breakdown.

"Multiple gunshot wounds...kid lost a lot of blood. Conner seemed optimistic though."

"And the kid?"

"Choi has him... he will live."

"Maggie...does Sean...is his family here?"

"Talked to a cousin on the phone. No parents. No siblings. My damn waiting room is full of family though." Maggie smirked.

"Until Hank lets Kim come here can I stay with...?"

"Wait in the lounge... I will let Conner know you are here."

Not two seconds after she sat down on the couch she got a call from Kevin...she quickly updated him and he updated her. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face praying that Sean would pull through.

A little while later she felt someone sit on the couch next to her and when she felt an arm around her back she knew it was Will and she leaned into him, "Jay called. Sean was hit on the right side of his neck, left side of his back, his left arm and hand...his neck was most life threatening but that is all good... his arm and hand though... he will live but I don't see him getting clearance to go back in the field."

"Damn." Erin said shaking her head...kid was offered a spot in intelligence and wanted to stay in the field...being stuck behind a desk...

"Only time will tell. Conner...he can be an ass but he is good...like really good. If he follows orders and does all the therapy...we'll see...but being able to function in daily life and being able to do tac shooting...anyway, he said he was finishing up and you could meet him in ICU."

"Will you take me?" Erin asked shakily.

"Thankful it wasn't you or Jay." Wil said squeezing her shoulders, "We can head up whenever."

"Roman's a good guy... Kim is his partner."

"And make out buddy from what I have heard."

"Yeah that too..."

"She going to be up here soon?"

"Once Hank lets her..."

"Walk and talk?" He asked, standing up and taking Erin's hand, "You ready to see him?"

"Probably not."

"He will be sedated...covered in bandages...he may still be intubated."

"Knocked out and tubes and wires...got it."

"Erin..."

"Sorry...just been a rough one."

"We are here." He said letting go of her hand. He led her into the small room in the ICU curtained off from the rest but right near the nurses station and had her sit in the chair next to the head of the bed.

Conner walked over a couple seconds later and looked at the monitors before turning towards Erin, "I will bring him out of sedation, make sure he wakes up okay but then I will need to put him under again."

"Can I touch him?"

"I am going to need you to make sure he stays calm...too much movement on his neck he can tear the sutures. I want to take the breathing tubes out if I can though."

"Where do you want me then."

"You guys close?" Conner asked.

"Not as close as Kim." Will answered.

"Grow up Will." Erin growled at her boyfriends brother. "We are close enough."

"I want you to sit on the edge of the bed and hold his hand and elbow...the other side still has the nerve block but I don't want him to grab at anything. Get in his face so he can see who is holding him."

"You think he will fight?"

"Less chance if you have him." Conner answered. Erin nodded and then carefully climbed up next to him gripping his hand like they were going to arm wrestle. "As soon as I inject this...he will wake up. I will pull the tube when his oxygen level and heart rate are safe...can give you a couple minutes if you want but he needs to rest."

Erin nodded and watched as Conner injected the medication into the iv and was surprised how quickly Romans eyes sprung open and he searched wildly, Erin leaned in and gripped his hand tighter, "Sean look at me." She said barely above a whisper and his eyes immediately met hers, "Need you to calm down so Conner can pull the tube out." She told him. "Deep breathes, Sean...really deep breathes."

"I need you to cough as I pull out the tube." Conner said as he unstrapped the tubing to get it ready to remove. Roman squeezed Erin's hand as Conner removed the tube and Erin ran her hand up and down his arm as the tears slipped from his eyes in pain.

"Kim? Where's Kim?" Sean struggled to say as soon as the tube was out.

"She got him. She is at CPD with the unit...as soon as she memorized her statement she will be here...till then..." She shrugged.

"Sean I need you to minimize any movement...the bullet grazed your artery and the sutures need time to heal...talking counts as movement."

"He is going to sedate you again to allow your body to heal. He had to wake you up in order to remove the breathing tube."

"I'm sc...I don't want to be..."

"I will be here until Kim can come...one of us will be with you until you get to go home...the whole waiting room is packed..."

"My cousin here?"

"Just your PD family...I know Maggie talked to your cousin though."

"Make sure Kim is okay." Roman whispered, tears slipping from his eyes again.

"Hey Conner, can you get the meds ready so I can just push a button when he is ready and give us a minute?"

"It is ready." He smiled at her. "Couple minutes Erin that's it."

Erin pulled out her phone and face timed Jay. "Get her now I don't care what Hank says." She saw Jay nod and stood up and walked towards Hanks office, walking right past him and Al in the process and he shoved the phone in Kim's face. "Kim... focus cuz you only have a minute thought you would want to see your partner awake." Erin said with tears in her eyes holding the phone where Sean could see it.

"You okay?" He asked her.

"Don't scare me like that ever again!" Kim yelled.

"I will be fine." He said, "You got him."

Erin could hear Hank and Jay yelling in the background and smirked, "I will be there as soon as I am off house arrest."

"Don't be scared when you come in here."

"I am less scared now that I know you are alive."

"Kim it is time... I will stay here with him until you can get up here. Take your time and get this right...trust Hank." She said before hanging up the phone. "Roman your arm...you might not be able to come back.."

"I'm a cop."

"A good one, I know, but..."

"I can come back from this...I have to."

"Please just another minute." Roman said blurt eyed.

Erin saw Conner over her shoulder and nodded whilst taking the button in her hand, "We've got your back. Deep breathes Sean. Look at me and take deep breathes." She urged. On his third breath she pushed the button and felt his arm go slack as his eyes drifted closed. "I've got your back." She promised him before turning around to see Will and Conner shoulder to shoulder.

"We will be keeping him under for the next couple days. You give me a list of who is allowed in here with him."

"Intelligence Unit. Anyone else needs to be approved by myself or Kim Burgess."

"Traditional CPD posted at the door?"

"Until he is awake again one of us will be here around the clock." Erin dismissed them.

Meanwhile Kim thrust the phone back into Halsteads hand as she ran out of Hanks office and straight into the locker room. While Hank yelled at Jay for disrupting her memorizing her statement Jay gestured to Ruzek to follow her. He found her with her head in her hands crying on one of the benches. He called out her name a couple times but she was too lost in her own thoughts to hear him.

When he physically reached out to her she freaked, he knew she would be upset but this was past just having her partner get shot. Once she calmed down he sat down next to her, "I know he used my ticket last night...I saw him...I knew you wouldn't waste both tickets."

"I didn't know he was going to show...I told him I wasn't even going but he was there..."

"He is your partner...and quite frankly he is in love with you...you deserve to be happy...he has...he's a good guy...and as much as I hate it..."

"I never stopped loving you you know...that was why I wanted a transfer...but..."

"You stayed for him. I know."

"I stayed for me...Erin...being a woman...if I were to transfer it would have followed me...last night...it was the first time I felt like me again in so long...it was perfect...but..."

"Kim, whatever happens...I'm not going anywhere...right now your Partner needs you...and you need him." She scooted over to her exfiance and he wrapped his arm around her, "We've all got your back."

"Can I go to med yet?" She asked as she pulled back and stood up.

When the two of them emerged from the locker room she heard Voights bark. "Did you memorize all of it?"

"Yeah...you've had me in there for eight hours."

"Halstead/Ruzek you take her to med. Halstead you and Lindsay talk to the kids parents. Ruzek do not leave the room until I say otherwise."

The three of them quickly walked down the back steps of PD. Jay drove them to Erin's apartment and with questioning looks he told Ruzek to sit on the car and Kim followed him inside. "Change out of your uniform. Public doesn't know who you are outside of your uniform."

A half hour later they were standing in Romans room, Erin and Kim holding each other and crying. Jay with his hand on his partners shoulder trying to separate the two, "Lindsay we are suppose to talk to Ellis' parents."

Erin nodded and pulled herself away, "He was more worried about you...but his arm...he's got a long road that may not end with him coming back."

"It hasn't even been a day yet...no one knows how he will heal."

"Just...just be ready for that possibility."

"He's alive...right now that is all I can think about."

"Ruzek, that couch turns to a bed...make her sleep." Erin demanded as she wiped her face in her hands.

"Tonio will be here at eight." Jay said dropping his arm around Erin's shoulder.

"Call if you need anything." Erin said as she let Jay lead her out of the room, closing the door behind them. "That has to be awkward...partner in a coma, ex fiancé babysitting..."

"She freaked after the FaceTime...he...she seemed okay after they came out of the locker room."

"He still loves her."

"She does too..."

"Roman showed up to her broadway thing last night."

"So did he..."

"Awkward."

"Not quite as bad as dating your partner when her dad is your Boss."

"And that is working out okay." Erin said with a small smile.

"Let's go talk to the kids parents...then we can go home."


	27. Chapter 27

_Please leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"He still loves her."_

 _"She does too..."_

 _"Roman showed up to her broadway thing last night."_

 _"So did he..."_

 _"Awkward."_

 _"Not quite as bad as dating your partner when her dad is your Boss."_

 _"And that is working out okay." Erin said with a small smile._

 _"Let's go talk to the kids parents...then we can go home."_

The next few weeks cemented Kim's spot in intelligenc, Voights fierceness to prove the shot was good. That Michael Ellis knew exactly what he was doing...he made sure that someone from the team was in with Sean until he was home from the hospital...and then they had a pop in schedule and drivers for all his rehab appointments.

When the hearing came in that his time with CPD in the field was up it was a blow to the entire unit. A unit that was already on edge after a series of impossible cases...where even when you get your guy it doesn't come close to fixing what happened. Especially with kids. Cases with kids were impossible.

The one bright light for Hank and Erin was that Justin's son, little Danny was in town to celebrate his first birthday. A reminder of their humanity...their legacy...someone to make proud. Motivation to stay on the straight path. Jay had volunteered to work so the two of them could sneak off for the family time...technically on call...they always were...but since Romans shooting they have had extra eyes on them. They all knew the commander wanted to park Hank behind a desk...it was only a matter of time before that would happen...he was getting older everyday. Same for Al, he was doing more training shifts at academy and less work on the street lately too. Old timers out, new class is coming in. They all felt change coming and all were resistant to it. They were family.

When Jay called them to the the scene where a tow truck driver found blood on the trunk of a car they all felt the pit in their stomachs. Change was coming with a vengeance. Not two hours after Hank came into the station he was pulled in for the desk job he knew was coming...a choice he would force them to make for him...he wasn't going to give up his team without a fight.

As the unit was working Roman came in for his final goodbyes, all a bit bitter, all worried about where Kim would end up. He had already made the entire unit promise to look after their girl multiple times over the last few weeks, hell, even Adam and him were over the animosity and tension. It was decided that after the case they would all have a night out at Molly's for a real going away bash.

That was until Mouse got Melissa's phone records and saw that Justin had been talking with her A LOT over the previous few weeks. From that realization things went downhill fast, too fast. With no time to process what was happening their instincts kick in. Erin and Hank rushed back home to find Justin themselves only to find a worried Olive pacing in the entryway.

Quickly tracking Hank's car they found it-an inside they found her brother, his son shot in the head, unconscious and tied up, left for dead. Hank went into panic mode yelling at Justin to wake up whilst Erin got on her radio and called for an ambo.

When the ambulance arrived it was closely followed by Jay, Antonio, Ruzek, Kevin and Al. They saw Hank climb into the ambulance, tears streaming down his face and saw Erin with bloodshot eyes standing next to the car. Jay went over to her and got her 'official' statement followed by the unofficial. He passed it off to Antonio, "This case you are in charge."

"You take her to med. We've got this." Antonio told Jay, and Erin before turning to the rest and barking orders.

"Keep me updates."

"We will be right behind you guys."

When they got to Med they found Olive holding Hank while Kim paced in the hallway holding Danny. "You hear anything?" Erin asked.

"He's in surgery..."

"I'll see if I can find anything out..." Jay said kissing Erin on the forehead, "Stay with your nephew." He smiled at the little boy.

"So Hank..." Kim started.

"When he switches gears he will be fucking impossible...stay the hell out of his way and follow Antonio...I am going to try to keep him..."

"Erin that is..."

"I know it is stupid but Hank and Justin...they are my family...I don't know what else to do."

"Will said he is still in surgery...Conner is finishing up end will be down to talk to you guys but...full life support...Er it doesn't look good." He said wrapping her into him while passing Danny back to Kim.

"He needs to be okay...Justin needs to be okay or Hank will...I can't lose them both."

"We...Erin you and me...we will find a way to get through this." Jay said as he felt her breath on his neck.

"I will do anything to save him." She whispered so quietly only Jay could hear. "Don't let me push you away." She whispered slightly louder knowing Kim was listening.

"We will find a way to get through this." Jay promised her as Hank came out with Olive. Kim handed her the baby and sunk back to the corner.

"What do you know?" Hank asked, defeated.

"Conner is finishing the surgery. He is on life support. Antonio is heading the investigation...will keep us informed on everything but this way the lawyers can't say we were biased."

"My unit Halstead. I will get whoever did this." He graveled.

"I know Sarge. WE will get whoever killed Melissa and got Justin."

"Jay..." Erin warned.

"Halstead you and me." Hank said walking into the room. Jay followed him as they sat down in two chairs. "I am going to be the one to kill the bastard who did this to my son."

"Let us lead the investigation...keep your nose clean on paper."

"I need you to take care of Erin."

"Sarge I swear to fucking God that I will go to the ends of the galaxy for her but you better know she will do the same for you."

"She can't."

"Then you can't."

"We are on the same page then." Hank said standing up and crossing his arms walking back into the hallway to find his entire unit looking at him. "Get everyone back to 21!" Hank growled loud enough to hear on the other side of the hospital.

"Hank we don't..." Erin tried.

"Now!" He barked. Thirty seconds later Olive and Danny were left alone in the private waiting room.

When he walked into the pen and threw down a case of money from his safe he growled, "I want you to put word out to all your CI's. That's 90,000 for any information on who did this to Melissa Wilds or my son."

"Hey, we got this Sarge."

"Think you should go to the hospital."

"All right, let me be clear. I don't need condolences. I need commitment from each of you. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to find who did this. Anybody not comfortable with that should take the next couple days off."

No amount of talking would change anything. The team knew what had to be done. Erin tried to remind Hank that no matter what happened to Justin that he has a grandson but none of that mattered. Hank had made up his mind and that was that.

It only got worse as the facts were looking more and more like Justin had gotten himself into something...something bigger than him...it killed Hank that his son wouldn't come to him. Al got through to him some...calmed him a tad by expressing his allegiance to his old friend...but when the commander cornered him...it just pushed him closer to the edge. He was rogue. Jay had Mouse tracking Hanks every move and all calls...he knew what his future father in law was into...he had to in order to protect her.

When he saw all the dodged calls from Goodwin, when Will called him...Jay took Erin into Med. "You need to say goodbye to your brother Er. He isn't going to wake up."

"Olive called me...I know." She answered numb.

"You want me to go in with you?" Jay asked as they got to his room in the ICU.

"You take Danny to give me and Olive a few minutes with him?" She asked...and that is exactly what he did. When she called Jay to come back he took her nephew and held the now sleeping baby close.

"Jay do you think you can stay here until Hank comes?" Olive asked.

"What? Why me?" Jay asked surprised.

"The decision is hard enough to make...I don't think I can bare to watch him say goodbye." She answered, voice cracking.

"I am going to take them home...she is going to stay at her Aunts for a while...you...you talked him down before..." Erin said as a tear slid down her cheek. "I will go back to 21 once they are safe at her Aunts." She said wiping the tear from her cheek with the back of her hand.

Jay nodded and pulled Olive into a hug, "Anything...ever...that I can do to help you or Danny...Justin wasn't the perfect guy but he tried to do right as a father."

"Thanks Jay. Erin did you want a minute with him before we go?" Olive asked as she pulled away from Jay. She nodded and handed over her nephew to his mother and went in. Olive choked back a sob when she saw Erin lean over her brother crying. "I can't do this...I thought...I thought if he was killed it would be in the war...that he would come home in a box...but in the back of the car...the hospital...I don't know how long I can stay here...everything about Chicago reminds me of him...but now it is what killed him...and to see Erin and Hank...especially Hank...I can't live with ghosts...Jay I can't...I can't live with ghosts."

Jay put his arm around her and held her as she cried, "Whatever you decide...just make sure I have a way to get in contact with you...you don't have to see them if you aren't ready...but let us help take care of Danny."

"Just you?"

"If that is what you want." Jay said, not sure if he was ready to shoulder that burden.

"Give me your phone." He watched as she typed in contact info for 'Faux' in Arizona. "If I leave Chicago that is where I will be...and the number is for a burner phone...I will keep it loaded though."

"They are going to need Danny..."

"Once this blows over...Hank is...I'm not gonna keep Danny from knowing his family...I just...it will take time."

"If you need anything..."

"Thanks." She said standing up as Erin walked out, tear stains down her face, she walked right into Jays waiting arms.

"Text me when you get home...to her Aunts...and back to 21." He felt Erin nod in his chest before she pulled away.

After the two of them left Jay went into the room and sat down next to the bed, "You have one fucked up family." He mumbled, "God help me...I am a part of it."

"Goodwin said Voights on his way." Conner popped his head in. "When he is ready just hit this and push this. Call button if you need anything else."

"Thanks."

"Sorry I couldn't do more." He said before tapping the door on his way out.

Ten minutes later Hank walked through the sliding door and straight to his son. Jay stood up and after giving Hanks shoulder a squeeze, "Conner showed me what to do...when you are...just...I am here Sarge. Justin...he was a good kid."

Jay stepped back as Hank bent over his boy, "I am so sorry." He watched Hank cry and cradled his head, "You did good." It was his mantra, Justin would be going to his Mother, he had someone on the other side waiting to wrap him in her arms. "Camille I'm sorry...our boy...he is coming to you. I couldn't save him...". Hank looked up at Jay, his eyes pleading for any other choice.

Jay walked over and put his hand on Hanks shoulder, "He is ready." Hank choked out. With a silent nod Jay hit the switch on the ventilator, tapped the button to silence the alarm and stood there with his hand on his Bosses back as he watched Justin's monitor flatline. He saw Goodwin and Conner waiting in the hall, watching to call time of death.

As the heat quickly left Justin's body Hank laid him back down on the bed and dropped to his knees. Jay sat down facing him and Hank leaned into his shoulder, Jay reached around his Sargents shoulder and held his head against him as he sobbed. He reached for his phone when it buzzed for the third time saying she was at 21 and responded with a quick, 2:37. For most people it would be a cold way to find out but he knew for her...she wasn't ready to break. She knew Kim would be there...along with the rest of the unit...that he was right where she needed him to be. He knew Olive had already arranged for Goodwins call and that she had already met with and filled out funeral information. So there he sat on the cold hospital floor with his brother in laws dead body hovering over him as he held his future father in law.

He would give Hank as much time as he needed, giving the team for time to catch the guy who did this. He knew Hank would be the one to pull the trigger either way...but this way...it gave Erin hope.

"My guys will find him. They will bring him to me at the silos...then they will take him...protect her." He said leaning back and looking Jay in the eye.

"Once she realizes I'm not with you she will know."

"I need to protect her." He said standing up, his back to Justin's body.

"She will be pissed."

"I need it this way."

"Your grandson needs you."

"I am not going anywhere."

"Swear on her life."

"Erin is the only family I have left." Hank said squeezing Jays shoulder, "I will take care of things but I am not going anywhere."

"Intelligence comes out with their hands clean?"

"Give me a ride back to 21."

"Your son just died and you are going back to work...unfreaking believable."

"Jay..." Hank said, tears pooling in his eyes again.

"You are allowed to be a fucking human."

"Until I know who did this...who killed my boy...". Hank said his voice cracking.

Jay pushed his luck and pulled Hank into a hug, "When this is over..."

"Just...take me to 21...I can't fix this but I need to do something."

The very next night Jay stood in full gear next to Kevin, Ruzek, Al and Antonio. He called Erin, "I'm two minutes out." She answered.

"Binghams not here. No ones here. Not for a while."

"Is Voight there?"

"Not yet...Erin?...Erin?"

"Dammit." Erin said hanging up...coming to the same realization that Jay already reached.

"Mouse where are Hank and Erin?" Jay asked after they got back o the pen.

"Silos...but Erin left. She is back at her apartment...was only there two minutes."

"He still there?"

"Yeah."

"Anyone else?"

"There was."

"Erased?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going home."

"Do you want her to know he didn't do it?"

"He can tell her whatever he wants."


	28. Chapter 28

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"Dammit." Erin said hanging up...coming to the same realization that Jay already reached._

 _"Mouse where are Hank and Erin?" Jay asked after they got back to the pen._

 _"Silos...but Erin left. She is back at her apartment...was only there two minutes."_

 _"He still there?"_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"Anyone else?"_

 _"There was."_

 _"Erased?"_

 _"Yeah."_

 _"I'm going home."_

 _"Do you want her to know he didn't do it?"_

 _"He can tell her whatever he wants."_

It didn't take long for him to reach the apartment and when he did he found her on the floor just inside the door sobbing. He pulled her up in his arms and whispered, "Everything will be fine."

"No...no it won't..."

"Erin look at me." Jay urged.

"I heard the gunshot Jay...I saw him and I heard the shot."

"Erin. Everything will be okay."

"The commander will know we were out there...she will know..."

"Let her. Just trust me that everything will be okay. She wasn't the only one keeping tabs on where you were."

"He is dead though?"

"Yes."

"And Hank did it?"

"Don't know."

"He was the only one there."

"Nope."

"I didn't see anyone else."

"You weren't looking for anyone else."

"Who?"

"Don't know."

"Then how do you..."

"Erin just listen to me for a minute...Hank said he was going to take care of it. We all knew Crowley was watching us...do you really think he would be so blatant with eyes on him?"

"I heard the shot Jay."

"You heard what he wanted you to hear."

As pissed as she was it didn't take long for her to calm down. She kept her distance from Hank though, still scared to death of his rabbit hole...what he was willing to do. The commander was hounding the entire team, just looking for any excuse to arrest Hank...including taking Erin out to the silos, threatening her with anything she could come up with. She was done being Hanks girl with the CPD. She wanted to be known for her work...and damn good work at that.

Antonio got the brunt of it though, constant calls from the board trying to get him to be a snitch...even though this time there was nothing to snitch. CPD didn't catch the guy and despite Crowley making Hank stand and watch as she dug up the silos there wasn't a single body or scrap of evidence against him.

In the station Erin and Jays small talk consisted of staying away from rabbit holes and him reminding her that she wasn't just Hanks girl...and asking her to move in with him. The latter shocking her enough it ended all other conversations.

Erin was freezing everyone out, trying to keep herself from her own banana peals, she talked to Jay and Dr Charles but even those conversations had their limits. She had already broken down in front of Kim, she didn't want to see the entire unit see her break down and then worry she will go off the deep end like she did after Nadia's murder.

They decided not to have a full on funeral for Justin, keeping it just family and close friends...and the intelligence unit of course. A simple burial next to his mother, no reception. There weren't any tears at the burial, somehow everyone had managed to turn into robot versions of their former selves. After it was over Hank went to the social club, Olive went back to the house to pack and Jay took Erin back to her apartment where he tried to distract her from everything by looking at apartments.

He thought a fresh start for both of them would be nice...but he also knew how attached Erin was to her and Nadia's apartment. If they moved it would be having to say goodbye to her again and he didn't know if he was ready for that let alone her. So the focus was on extravagant, borderline ridiculous condos and apartments that were not really who they were...or who they wanted to be. It was a distraction.

A good distraction at that...they didn't even realize how late it had gotten until they heard a knock at the door. Erin got up and answered it finding Hank on the other side, the last person she expected to find at this hour...she had figured that he would have been home asleep hours before. He had told her he was going home after all, a quick text letting her know he was okay...but clearly the man at her door was far from okay.

She didn't say anything when she opened the door, just waited for him. When he finally spoke it was a choked, "Thank you."

"You saved my life...I would have been dead at fifteen if you hadn't taken me in. No doubt in my mind about that...and I've always looked forward to saving yours." She told him. Was her begging him enough? Standing by him against the commander? Jay told her everything would be okay...she just reiterated that to her...didn't make excuses...didn't tell her what she thought really happened...but she didn't know what really happened."

Hank stepped back, clearly fighting back tears, struggling with his own grief and anger. "You're all I have left now." He finally said. When the first tear slipped from his eye Erin stepped forward into him, holding him as he shook with each sob. She looked over her shoulder and saw Jay walking towards them. Jay led them into the house, into Erin's bedroom where she sat down with him on her bed. They both knew that the tears wouldn't stop this time until he fell asleep.

Erin curled her knee around him and held his head into her shoulder. She was all he had...or all he thought he had...but she had Bunnie and Teddy...they both had the unit. She was stronger now. Stronger than when they lost Nadia. It took her seeing someone she thought was unbreakable to realize just how strong she actually could be.

Jay could see the thoughts going through Erin's mind as she rocked the man she had once idolized...the man she now saw as human. "Er you want to lay him down? Go talk?" He near whispered. Hanks head sliding further down with each movement she made. Erin closed her eyes for a minute before laying Hank down on her pillow and kissing him softly on his temple.

"I wish I could help him."

"You did."

"No I didn't...not really...he has too many demons...his family was all taken by this city...his job...his dad...Camille...now Justin...killed in his city."

"This city...his job...it gave him you...and no matter how pissed you are at him he is and always will be your Dad."

"He isn't really my dad though."

"He loves you unconditionally...he raised you...he worries about you...does what he can to help you...sounds pretty Dadish to me."

"Why are you on his side?" Erin grumbled.

"You said you wanted to help him... you said yourself you saved him..."

"I did...when I reminded him he had Danny...whatever happened at the silos...I dunno...it feels different this time...I like to think maybe he didn't do it. That he really did change after he got out...that maybe for once everything will be okay."

"He is going to wake up and act like tonight never happened."

"As long as he knows he can trust me...trust us when he needs to break...he lost his son."

"You lost your brother."

"Not the same."

"Still okay to be upset...for all intents and purposes you grew up with him as your younger brother. Teddy is blood but you didn't grow up with him. Same thing with Camille and Bunnie...just because you are blood or not...love makes family...you choose who your family is."

"I chose you."

"One of your best choices." Jay smirked.

"You think so huh?" Erin smiled. "I miss him Jay. I miss my brother." She admitted.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him, "I know." He whispered, "It is okay." With the permission to break he felt his shoulder get damp from her tears and he held her while she cried, eventually carrying her into Nadia's bedroo, and laying her down on the bed.

"I miss her too." Erin mumbled as he pulled the blankets over them.

"Me too Er." He said pulling her even closer into his side, "We will find a way forward."

"Together?" She asked sleepily.

"Together." He whispered, closing his eyes.


	29. Chapter 29

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"You think so huh?" Erin smiled. "I miss him Jay. I miss my brother." She admitted._

 _He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him, "I know." He whispered, "It is okay." With the permission to break he felt his shoulder get damp from her tears and he held her while she cried, eventually carrying her into Nadia's bedroom and laying her down on the bed._

 _"I miss her too." Erin mumbled as he pulled the blankets over them._

 _"Me too Er." He said pulling her even closer into his side, "We will find a way forward."_

 _"Together?" She asked sleepily._

 _"Together." He whispered, closing his eyes._

When they woke up the next morning the apartment was quiet, Hank was gone. The only sign he had even been there was that for once the bed was made in the bedroom and the coffee was on in the kitchen. "When you told him you saved him...what did you do?"

"Nothing different than any other day."

"Er...last night...I know you didn't do anything at the silos..."

"I put a photo of our family on his side table."

"Then you froze him out."

"I was still scared he did it...or...more that he did it without thinking and I would lose him too."

"You still worried about that?"

"More than anything."

"Crowley will leave him alone now. He didn't do what she knew he would...he is good for Chicago...and she can only go after him so much before it looks dumb on her."

"Matt Casey told him he was sorry for his loss."

"He is engaged to Dawson...couldn't hold a grudge forever."

"Hank got his fiancé killed."

"You will go crazy worrying about his banana peals."

"I already am crazy."

"Can we look at places after shift?"

"Can we play scrabble after shift?" Erin smirked.

"Scrabble before?"

"Shower?"

Running into 21 an hour later Antonio smirked as the two sat down at their desks. "You're late."

"Had an unexpected houseguest last night." Jay nodded towards the office door.

"He was here when I got here an hour ago."

"Mind your own business Dawson." Erin smirked back.

"Mind your own business about what?" Kevin asked as him and Ruzek strolled in.

"Lindsay and Halsteads were..."

"Dawson!" Erin squealed.

"Lindsay!" Dawson mocked.

"Roll out." Hank growled storming out of his office and marching down the stairs.

Erin went out with Dawson, Jay with Kevin, Ruzek with Al. Basic waste of time BS case to keep them busy, to keep up the front that Hank is fine and ready to lead a team this soon after his sons death.

When Jay and Kevin heard Burgess' call over the radio he rolled their direction rather than back to 21. Of course the call ended up being their next case...missing white girl in a black neighborhood. As much as Hank hates the spotlight he likes the big cases. The ones he knows his team can handle.

Driving to the hospital Jay is surprised when Erin tells him to move in with her...he knew it was coming but didn't expect it so soon. And for her to say "I'm completely in love with you." He hardly heard anything the rest of the day...and the grin on his face-it just could not break.

"Would have looked less ridiculous if you weren't grinning through the damn interview about their MISSING daughter." Erin smirked.

"When can I move in?"

"Good God Jay, we literally just walked out of an interview with parents of a missing girl...our job to find her..."

"They were up to something...not the parents but..."

"Stop grinning like an idiot."

"I can't."

"You really that excited?"

"Hell yeah!" Jay smiled, "Aren't you?"

"Nervous...but yeah. Meant what I said that you are the only one I trust."

"I want you to be confident about this."

"This month. We can start moving stuff this month."

"Should I keep my apartment?"

"Why would you?"

"Don't know."

"Turn in your notice then...we done with it by the end of the month. Should give us time to combine our stuff."

His excitement didn't last long though, when they were getting ready to go back out Mouse cornered him...told him he was going back in the army...the army that nearly got him killed, blown up, made him kill people, made him see his friends killed...made him need to bring Jay back from the ledge. Jay was livid, hurt, scared...mostly scared, he couldn't lose his best friend-his brother.

He only let himself feel the anger though...focused on catching the rat bastard who kidnapped the girl. When they split up Hank sent Jay, Ruzek and Kevin to one apartment, he went with Lindsay and Dawson to the other. The apartment was empty though, no one one there and just when they were heading towards the other one Jay heard the rasp over the comms he felt it in his gut. He was going to have another kill by the end of the hour...he hoped another save.

"He's three feet to the right." Going in blind. Off Hanks word. When did he begin to trust his Sargent enough to take a shot through a wall when he suspect was holding another person? "On my mark?"

"Got it." Jay answered, he had a job to do and right then he was the only one who could do it.

"Now." Hank yelled. Jay pulled he trigger, dropping to his knees when he still heard her cries but no longer heard his screams. It was a good shot. Is there ever really a good shot? This is what Mouse wants to go back to? It is right here. War in Chicago...hell this week they even have the heat. He had killed a man, ended another life-the fact that the guy was a dirt bag no good piece of work did not really matter, at one point he had been someones son. Someone had loved him and no matter how sick and messed up he was to kidnap the girl and do the things he did how was Jay any better when he was judge jury and executioner?

"You got balls man to take that shot." Kevin said patting his back and holding his shoulder trying to break him from his thoughts. "Lets go get your statement over with and get you home."

"I'm good." Jay mumbled standing up and slinging his rifle over his shoulder.

"Sure." Kevin said, knowing he was full of shit and the kind of guy Jay was there was no way he was anywhere near good...if he was then he wasn't the man he thought he was. Gripping Jays shoulder and leading him out of the apartment, "I got you." He told him, he didn't need to go into the other apartment and see the mans guts splattered around the place.

When they made it outside the gates and back to the car Jay dropped down into the passenger seat and puts his head in his hands. Erin came out a few minutes later and slowed her pace as she lead the girl to the ambulance. Despite her worry about her boyfriend she knew he was in good hands and continued on. Kevin snickered a couple minutes later after receiving a text from her. "Your girl man...she's a fire cracker, Anything that happens to him is on you...damn."

"She loves me, what can I say?" Jay mumbled through his hands.

"Using the L word now? You two goin all soft on us?"

"She's got my back Kev,..at work and at home..."

"Lucky man." Kevin said leaning against the frame of the car.

"Everyone out. Back to 21." Jay heard over the comms, he pulled his legs in and shut the door.

"Letting me drive?" Kevin tried to joke, Jay just leaned back and stared blankly out the window. Kevin got in the car, adjusting the seat to fit without another word and drove back to the station. Once they parked Kevin noticed Jay wasn't moving. "What makes this one different?" he asked.

"Mouse wants to go back."

"Didn't think he could."

"He will find a way."

"What you guys did over there...what we are doing here. It's hard man...I'm here if you ever want to.."

"Let's get this over with so I can go home."

"To your girlfriend...who LOVES you." Kevin tried again, this time earning a smile. "She actually use the word?"

"She did. When she told me to move in with her."

"What Hank say about it?"

"He doesn't get a say."

"That the key then? Stand up to him and you move up?"

"Not quite."

"He has you lead more than Al."

"Depends on the situation. Tactical stuff...kinda what I did in the rangers..."

"So is today more about you or him?"

"He's just getting his life back..."

"How many?"

"For me or him?"

"Either."

"Five for him...me...too many to count...Was a sniper."

"Remind me to stay on your good side."

"Hard to talk about everything...I...Erin...she...fuck." Jay said feeling the tears in his eyes.

"You're good Man...I told you I got you, just know I'm here."

Jay took a deep breath and tried to push down everything that was boiling up. One interview...he had to do one interview, hand over his gun, piss in a jar and then he could go. "Hey Kev?" Jay looked at the man playing on his phone in the driver seat, "Thanks."

"No sweat. I'll follow you in."

Follow him is what he did, updating Lindsay. As soon as she was done at med she caught a ride back to the 21st with Hank. "He is moving in with me this weekend." She announced as they parked.

"Thought he already did."

"He still had his apartment. I love him."

"And?"

"We are going to stay in intelligence."

"You know my rule."

"I also know for this you are going to give us a pass."

"Long term?"

"We don't do long term."

"You signing a lease."

"Fuck Hank...you know what I mean."

"I love you Kid. I'm not stupid, know how you feel about each other."

"Killing 6-6...its going to affect him."

"Unit will have the weekend off. CPD will do their investigation in to the police shooting and once they put to paper it was a damn good shot we will all come back to work."

"Saying we have the weekend?"

"If you want help moving I can be there with the truck at eight."

"Tonight?"

"Morning. Figured he would need to pack."

When they got back up to the pen Hank noticed Jay's desk was empty and his office door was closed, Kevin sitting at his desk staring at the closed door. "How bad?" Erin asked.

"He is a damn good actor. Interview was fine. Took the rifle and did the drug test...then he came back up here and he shut himself in there...he...uh..."

"Spit it out Attwater."

"He told me about him moving..."

"Hank knows." Erin smirked, surprised that Kevin was trying to cover for them albeit poorly.

"Uh yeah...ummm well he was all excited about you asking him to move in with you before...but I guess Mouse wants to go back in and then the shooting...its messing with him. He said you would understand?"

"Hank you make sure he is done with everything he needs to do." Erin instructed.

"My office Lindsay." He reminded her.

"Please." Erin asked with a face she had clearly practiced for years.

"Ten minutes. Leave it open."

Erin walked into the office and swung the door shut behind her. The light was off but she could see his outline sitting in one of the chairs, head in his hands. She walked over to him and sat down on his lap, pulling his arms around her and holding his head into her neck. "You are an amazing man Jay Halstead."

"Mouse wont make it back again." Jay said, his voice breaking.

"Mouse wont or you wouldn't?" Erin asked.

"I killed him." Jay struggled.

"You saved her."

"It hurts."

"Always does."

"What if he doesn't make it home this time?"

"He is stronger now, he has you to look up to."

"He's the one who brought me back...I can't..."

"Jay look at me." She said tilting his chin up, "Whatever comes at us in the future...we will get through together." He nodded his head and leaned back against her, feeling her hold him he believed what she said and it calmed him better than any pharmaceutical ever could. "So whattdoya say Halsteads, blow this joint and go pack up your apartment?"

"Yeah?"

"Hanks coming with the truck in the morning."

"Really?"

"Eight."

"Still worried about Mouse." Jay told her.

"I know."

"It was a clean shot today?"

"Yeah...right on your mark."

"I didn't see him."

"Better that way."

"We saved her?"

"She is with her parents now..."

"Need to make sure she gets counseling."

"Always looking out for everyone else."

"You've got my back." Jay said kissing her neck.

"Oh for the love of..." Hank said walking into his office. "Go home and pack and for fucks sake keep that shit out of here." He groaned. "Ruled a clean shot. Units off til Monday for paperwork. We will be at your apartment at 8."

"Food and beer will be at our apartment." Erin said.

"I will bring coffee." Hank told them, "Get out of here." Hank said again, this time Erin stood up.

"I will grab our coats." She said kissing her boyfriend one more time before walking out.

"You okay Kid?" Hank asked.

"Mouse talk to you yet?" Voights gave a noncommittal grunt and Jay continued. "He wants to go back in...got a call last week asking if I would lead...I said no...guess they called him too."

"And?"

"If he goes back he won't make it home."

"Know that for a fact?"

"No but..."

"You guaranteed to make it home with CPD?"

"No but..."

"Halstead you will only hear me say this once. "Go home. Pack your shit. Move in with my kid."

"Thanks Sarge."

"Warn me before I see a ring."

"That you giving me permission?"

"Go home Halstead." When Jay walked out of the office the shit eating grin was plastered back on his face and everyone smiled as the Partners left the pen hand in hand.


	30. Chapter 30

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"If he goes back he won't make it home."_

 _"Know that for a fact?"_

 _"No but..."_

 _"You guaranteed to make it home with CPD?"_

 _"No but..."_

 _"Halstead you will only hear me say this once. "Go home. Pack your shit. Move in with my kid."_

 _"Thanks Sarge."_

 _"Warn me before I see a ring."_

 _"That you giving me permission?"_

 _"Go home Halstead." When Jay walked out of the office the shit eating grin was plastered back on his face and everyone smiled as the Partners left the pen hand in hand_.

Packing was easy, they had it done in a couple of hours, he was hardly there anyway and didn't own much and most of it had been stored in tubs while Al and Michelle were staying there. He had his tv, his couch and his guitar, clothes and enough dishes to have a functional kitchen. Nothing fancy, nothing permanent. Nothing personal. That stuff had already mostly made its way to Erin's apartment with how often he had been staying there in the last few months.

The moving...that took two loads and most of that was to a storage locker. They didn't need another bed or couch when he had already helped to pick out hers. Hank and Al didn't stick around after the move but Will, Mouse, Kevin, Adam and Antonio did.

"How you doing?" Kevin asked Jay when they were all sitting around two open pizza boxes in the living room.

When Jay shrugged and looked at Mouse he saw the pain flash in both their eyes. "Nice to have my family in the same city."

"Heard about your shot yesterday, guess it was quite impressive. Through the wall of apartment right to his heart." Will said, "Guess the army did something right."

"Taught me to be a killer." Jay said as he jumped up from the couch and stalking into the bedroom.

Will held his hands up in surrender, "What...the...hell?"

Erin stood up as Mouse mumbled, "Let me talk to him."

"He isn't back out here in ten..."

"You understand don't you? I have a job...one I can do real good...over there. Here...there is too much noise...I thought of all people he would understand..."

Erin pulled Mouse into a quick hug, "Give him time to see past himself. They called him last week too."

"Will he uh be uh okay if I go back?" Mouse asked her.

"Yes." Erin told her, and he would be...it would be hard but they would find a way.

When Mouse went into the bedroom he found Jay leaning against the window. "We lost too many already. Why do you want to go back?" Jay didn't even turn to look at him when he asked.

"I am good at what I do...I can help bring them home...like I helped you."

"And what about when you come home again?"

"The group Jay...and being a part of your unit...it reminded me who I was. I am stronger now...really...I...I want to be able to help people, like really help people."

"I want you to test for academy. I want you to have a plan when you come back."

"CPD is your plan."

"You have a felony on your record. They won't let you back in unless it is removed. So I don't know why we are even having this conversation."

"They called me Jay...they know my record. I would really like your support."

"God Mouse...you know I will always have your back...I just...I still think you are an idiot for even thinking about going back."

"And you are an idiot for moving in with your bosses daughter yet here we are."

"Here we are indeed."

"We good?"

Jay shrugged his shoulders, "I'll be back out in a minute."

As soon as Mouse walked back to the living room Will threw a pillow at him, "Dude a little warning would have been nice."

"If you knew your brother at all you would know what..."

"You really going back in?"

"That's my plan."

"Is he?" Erin asked from her spot between Antonio and Kevin on the couch.

"Just needs a minute." Greg answered.

When he still wasn't out after ten Erin got up and went into their bedroom. "Not about Mouse anymore?" She asked as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

He shook his head and leaned into her, "Your boys out there...they are here for you too. Come on, just come sit with us."

"Er...I just feel like..."

"No banana peels anymore. Running away never works for us."

"I don't want them to see me like this."

"Do you trust me?"

"You know I do."

She reached up and stroked both of his cheeks, wet with the tears she couldn't see in the dim light, "Jay Halstead you just moved in with the most amazing, super hot girlfriend imaginable and tonight she wants you glued to her hip." She scratched the back of his neck, "Hey," she told him, "we all love you...everything Jay...good and bad, happy or sad...pissed off, scared whatever we've got your back."

She wrapped her arms around him, "Come on." She held him against her the street light shining through the window for a couple minutes before he nodded and allowed her to lead him out to the living room.

The guys looked up at them, made room on the couch for them to sit and continued on their debate about which Star Wars movie was the best. Erin sat down on the couch next to Kevin and Jay sat down leaning into her. Antonio who moved down to the floor rest his elbow on Jays knee and Kevin reached his arm around Erin squeezing Jays shoulder.

A half hour later rather than starting a Star Wars movie they were watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone, which ALL of them knew the lines despite their claims they had only seen it once or twice. Right...like anyone can only watch it once or twice.

It took a while but eventually Jay got into it too, pulling him out of his funk. Halfway through The Chamber of Secrets the room started to get quiet and Erin got up and pulled the air mattress out of the closet and set it up on the floor in front of the couch, Will and Kevin claiming it for themselves, Ruzek taking the vacated spot on the couch with Antonio. Erin squeezed herself between Adam and Jay and looked around over at Mouse, the quietist of the bunch and gave a small smile before leaning back against Adam and pulling Jay into her.

Adam put his arm around Erin and leaned back into her making himself comfortable. The only sound coming from the tv. Prisoner of Azcaban came on next and they were all barely holding on. No one was leaving tonight, everyone knew that despite Jays want to be alone they all knew, just like Erin did that no one ever wants to be alone.

She closed her eyes and let her mind drift as the guys watched the movie, she woke up with the credits playing only to find everyone had fallen asleep. She pulled her phone out and snapped a pic of her with Adam, Jay and Antonio all asleep in a pile on the couch and a second one with Kevin, Will and Mouse asleep on the air mattress and sent it to Kim with the caption, How's the OT?

It didn't take long for a response that she wished she was there. The two chatted back and forth, Erin told her about Jay...and Mouse going back in the Rangers. Kim told her about the new parter...and the drama there. Kim agreed to bring coffee over after her shift.

Just as Erin was setting down her phone to try and go back to sleep Antonios whole body jerked and he woke with a start, and tears coming down his cheeks. It woke up Jay too who pulled Antonio into him, "I got you Buddy." He told him.

"Jules." Antonio whispered.

"You good?" Kevin asked sleepily.

"Didn't mean to wake everyone up..." ANtonio answered.

"I know we didn't know Jules but..." Adam started.

"We know what it is like to lose a friend." Mouse finished.

Erin smiled and flopped down on the air mattress between Adam and Will. Jay moved down on the couch next to Mouse, Kevin moved up onto the couch next to Jay and kicked his feet up onto the chair. "Room for you on the bed Dawson." Adam said, patting the spot next to him.

"First night officially living with my girlfriend and I am laying on a couch with two guys and my girl is in bed with my brother and two other guys."

"Always knew you liked to switch things up a bit." Mouse laughed, putting his arm around Jay and pulling him down against him. "We good Buddy?" He asked barely above a whisper.

Jay nodded and relaxed into the man who brought him back from the edge. No matter what happened he vowed to be there for his family. A family that had few boundaries and more respect and love than he could have ever imagined.

When Adam woke up a few hours later to a stream of sunlight blazing in his eyes he found Antonios head against his shoulder, Erin's legs on top of his with her head on Wills arm. He looked behind him at the couch and saw Jay laying against Mouse, Kevin's head on Jays knee with his feet up on the arm chair. He draped his arm over his eyes and with a smile he fell back asleep. That is exactly how Kim found them when she arrived arms full of coffee and bagels for their breakfast.


	31. Chapter 31

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _When Adam woke up a few hours later to a stream of sunlight blazing in his eyes he found Antonios head against his shoulder, Erin's legs on top of his with her head on Wills arm. He looked behind him at the couch and saw Jay laying against Mouse, Kevin's head on Jays knee with his feet up on the arm chair. He draped his arm over his eyes and with a smile he fell back asleep. That is exactly how Kim found them when she arrived arms full of coffee and bagels for their breakfast._

Kim set everything down and walked over to the couch giving Kevin's shoulder a quick squeeze, "Not fair to have a slumber party without your partner."

"Mmmmm too early need coffee." He said reaching and pulling her down on him, eliciting a squeal that woke up everyone else in the room.

When everyone untangled themselves and got up it didn't take long for the food and coffee to disappear. "Any plans for this weekend?" Kim asked.

"Making sure my brother is staying outta trouble...and have to take Vanessa clothes shopping."

"You are taking her shopping?" Erin raised an eyebrow at Kim.

"No offense Kev but I think Lindsay and I should take her."

"Be my guest!" Kevin smiled. His sister hadn't met Erin but she loved Kim, was always calling her for advice.

"Just don't turn our living room into a man cave while we are gone." Erin told Jay with a kiss.

"Man you should just sell all that stuff you put in the locker...no way any of it will find a place here." Will smirked.

"Eh, have to go through some of the boxes...besides I already got to pick the couch in here and the bed and they are the most important pieces of furniture." Jay wrapped his arm around her waist.

"Erin's bed is quite comfortable." Will smirked.

"What kind of kinky stuff goes on at your slumber parties Lindsay." Kim joked making everyone bust up laughing.

The day passed by quickly, the girls had a fabulous time shopping, despite the fact that Kim hadn't slept in over 24 hours. Erin loved hearing more personal stories about who Kevin was at home, and it sounded like he was the coolest brother imaginable.

Antonio took Adam to the gym to get a few rounds in while Will and Mouse hung back at the apartment with Jay to sort out all the things that had been boxed up for years. Old photos and mementos from their childhood...from their time in the rangers. There was a reason Jay had just kept everything in the boxes over the years. It hurt to look at some of it...hell...it hurt to look at most of it.

The three guys had texted or snapped Erin several times while they were gone...hilarious photos, funeral mementos, childhood photos...Erin knew that Jay would be completely beat by the time she returned. She knew that they had shed more than their fair share of tears whilst going through the boxes and Will had told her they only made it through three or four and there were at least ten that had gotten carried in.

After Erin dropped off Kim and Vanessa she stopped by the pizza place and picked up a case of beers before going back to their apartment. "Brought some sustenance." She said walking in the door only to be met by quick "shhh" from Mouse. Walking into the kitchen she said the food down and then went over to investigate and found Will curled on the floor with his head on Jay's lap holding an old photo...both with tear stains down their cheeks.

She walked around the couch and sat down next to Jay and kissed him gently on the cheek before taking the photo out of Will's hand. It was one of their Mother and WOW was she beautiful. "At the cabin...one of the times Gramps had us go away..."

"Her arm is in a cast and she has a black eye...the makeup covers it but..." Will mumbled... "I didn't know...I only saw what she wanted me to see."

"Having an existential crisis now?" Erin asked scooting over and pushing Jay out of the way and having Will wrap himself around her. "Why don't you two grab a beer and some of that pizza."

"You don't have to..." Jay started.

"Halstead. Go eat." Erin told him, "I've got this."

"If you..."

"Jay the food is in the kitchen like ten feet away." Erin said rolling her eyes.

"I should have listened to him...Jay...he always knew...tried to tell me but I didn't...I let myself believe everything he said...I should have listened to Jay." Will cried as soon as he heard the bottle caps open.

"Will I am going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest...not just to me but to yourself..." she said running her fingers through Will's hair. "If you would have known and believed him...at the time would it have made things better or worse for you?"

"Worse...but I wouldn't have lost Jay."

"Jay is here...you didn't lose him."

"I could have tried to stop it."

"You were just a kid."

"I could have tried."

"Will listen to me and listen hard...kids cannot and should not have to FIX their parents."

"He was hurting her though."

"I am not saying what he did to her was right...far from it in fact...but as a kid...he could have hurt you...or Jay..."

"He did hurt Jay."

"And that was when your Grandfather took you guys to the cabin...he, as an adult got you guys out...that wasn't something you as a kid could have done anything about."

"I couldn't have fixed this?" Will asked her, looking up with bloodshot eyes.

"No, but you and Jay... you are brothers. You will always be brothers... you guys chose two very different ways to cope with being in your family...but your mom...she taught you both how to love and to forgive..."

"I think I became a doctor to help people like her."

"You became a plastic surgeon to play with fake boobs." Jay yelled from the kitchen.

Will smiled and shook his head, "See...brothers." Erin smirked, "Pizza and beer is in the kitchen...You good now?"

"Not really." Will shrugged.

"Then you are in the same boat as the rest of us Halstead...only now...you aren't in this alone."

"Jay is going to forever be trying to protect you."

"And I will forever be trying to protect him."

"I am going to try and protect you too."

"Wouldn't expect any less from a big brother."

"Thanks Sis." Will said standing up and reaching out his hand to her.

"How many more boxes do you have?" Erin asked walking into the kitchen and grabbing a slice of pizza.

"Too many...we went through four today...the army ones...and our childhood...fuck...i don't know if I will ever be able to go through those..."

"What did you go through today then cuz I saw some pretty ridiculous photos today from the Rangers and as a kid..."

"Those were the boxes from what I got from Gramps...the others...they are mine..."

"Okay well how about this... we can go through one box a week...just a little every night...when it gets too much we can stop."

"There are photos from when I was with Allie."

"Kinda figured as much since you and Ben were so close...everything from your past Jay...it made you into who you are now. Good and bad, I'll take it all."

"And on that note...I'm out of here." Will smirked.

"Yeah...uh I will see you guys later." Mouse said getting up and following Will to the door.

When the two of them were alone in the apartment Erin and Jay went back to work moving around boxes and trying to make her home their home. "Hey Jay, do you want to put up some photos?"

"You don't really have any up." He said shrugging.

"I don't really have any."

"Really?"

"Just the ones Hank has."

"We should put up new ones...of us together."

"You think?"

"We are kinda like a family now...so yeah...we should totally put up some photos...right around a flat screen...over here...would be perfect... 65/70 inch plasma..."

"Keep dreaming Halsteads."


	32. Chapter 32

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"We are kinda like a family now...so yeah...we should totally put up some photos...right around a flat screen...over here...would be perfect... 65/70 inch plasma..."_

 _"Keep dreaming Halstead."_

Sitting in Molly's with Will the next night Erin got a call from Hank "Get to Med now. Trudy...she...go now." Will and Jay both heard before Erin even had a chance to say anything.

"I've got this, go. Connor is on tonight." Will told them.

"Thanks." Jay yelled over his shoulder as he ushered Erin out to the car, for once she let him drive and as soon as they got there they took off In a sprint to the ED.

"She's in surgery." Natalie grabbed Erin catching her. "Head injury...Connors got her."

"Thanks Nat." Jay said as Erin nodded, unable to form a sentence.

"I will have Conner call you once she is out."

"Hank and Mouch are on their way."

"When he gets here take him into the lounge."

Jay leaned against the wall as Erin paced in front of him, it hadn't been that long since losing Justin...Trudy was basically family to her, and to Hank...if she wasn't okay...but he couldn't think like that.

When Hank walked in Erin blurted out, "She's in surgery with Dr Rhodes. Don't know for how long."

"Antonios setting up a grid. One witness but don't think he saw much."

As we were splurging facts and questions Mouch ran in panic all over his face, "Where is she?"

"Hey. She's in surgery right now."

"I need to be with her."

"Not possible right now."

"Who did this? Who did this to her?" Mouch yelled.

"Let's do this somewhere else."

"Come on." Erin and Jay said together as they went to the lounge.

As Hank and Erin asked question after question, basically asking if the two were even really a couple...a family...Jay stood in the doorway watching for any doctors coming their way to get any news.

"She have any beefs?" Hank asked.

"How about some compassion?"

"How long have you known Trudy? Cuz me and her...we go back twenty years so believe me...I know what you are feeling." Jay looked over at Hank, catching the subtle change in the tone of his voice. He knew that Hank went to him, Erin, Al, Trudy and Olivia...that was his circle. Very rarely did those conversations occur with watchful eyes. The trust between Trudy and Hank...it was different...never romantic but...they didn't have secrets.

Jay was thankful that Antonio was taking lead on whatever happened to her so that he was able to stick close, a part of him wondered if Hank put him in charge for that very purpose.

Hank kept Jay on watch over Mouch while Trudy was still in surgery taking Erin with him to search her house. When Erin came back alone he knew something was up though. "Is Mouch with her?" She asked.

"As soon as she woke up she told him to get his ass back to work. Crowley is in with her."

"Her Dad...Jay whoever did this to her...they killed him. Al and Ruzek found him...Hanks there now."

"Shit."

"Head shot...nothing they could do."

"Your dad...he okay to be there when Justin...?"

"He's Hank...Al is with him though."

"Leaving us to do the hard part."

"Yeah..." Erin said leaning in for a brief hug.

Telling anyone that a member of their family is dead is rough... but when it is family of someone who is closer to you than your actual family...especially this close to the loss of Justin. It took a lot out of Erin, which in turn took a lot out of Jay.

When they got back to the station later that day they found Adam sitting alone at his desk with his head in his hands. "What's up Baby?" Erin asked as she put her arm around him and he leaned into her.

"Robert...I...Platt had me go to dinner with them a couple years ago...to see him with his brain...she loved her Dad..."

"Adam, I think you should go talk to her." Jay told him.

"Jay can you take him? I will stay here til Hank comes in...let him know."

"Yeah?" Adam asked, "I mean...is she okay for a visit? Voight said it didn't look good."

"She has one hell of a headache but she will be fine."

"Do you think she will even want to see me?"

"Honey I think of anyone to go sit with her someone who knew her dad...knew her with her dad...I think she would appreciate it." Erin squeezed the back of his neck. "Go with Jay."

Fifteen minutes later Jay was leading Adam through the door into Trudy's room. "What now?" She barked seeing Jay first.

"Adam wanted to come talk to you for a minute Sarge."

"Trudy I will come back in a bit. Just...talk to someone please." Crowley said quickly excusing herself.

"What do you want Boy Wonder?" Trudy asked looking to Adam, voice getting softer as she spoke to him.

"I'm sorry about your Dad." Adam said walking into the room and sitting in the chair the commander just vacated.

Trudy glared at Jay and he leaned against the doorframe. "Ruzek and Al found your father."

"Was it bad?" She whipped her head around to look at Adam who near instantly had tears in his eyes. "Where?" She asked softening and reaching her hand towards his shoulder.

"Head shot."

"Calliber?"

"Sarge." Jay said softly. "It was bad."

"I know you loved him...and...your Dad...he loved you. I know your Dad loved you." Adam near whispered looking directly at Trudy.

"What do you know about me and my dad." Trudy barked crossing her arms.

"I know how he talked about you, that he was proud of you...that you were his fucking little girl and he would have done anything for you."

"Don't." Trudy said fighting back tears.

"You are the strongest woman I know Sarge...but your Dad was murdered...and you almost died...and...I just..." As Adam was talking Jay nodded to Trudy before stepping out into the hall leaving the two of them alone. "I was scared...when I heard you were in surgery...finding your Dad like that...you are like unbreakable..."

"You care." Trudy said sarcastically. Adam leaned forward and put his head in his hands again. "You are a good kid."

"Sometimes this job hits too close." Adam told her looking up, "I am sorry about your Dad."

"No." She said. "Until someone is in jail or dead for this...just don't."

"Promise me you will be okay." Adam said looking at her again, this time she reached for his hand and held it tight as she finally allowed the tears to fall from her eyes.

Adam sat there holding her hand as she squeezed so tight that it hurt but he didn't dad move, Trudy Platt was not a weak woman and for her to trust him with this...he wasn't about to mess it up. When he felt her hand relax in his he looked her in the eyes, "He loved you." Adam whispered.

"Thank you." She whispered back.

"Get some rest Sarge. We will get the guy who did this."

Jay came in a couple minutes later and stood behind Adam and squeezed his shoulder. Adam squeezed her hand gently before letting go allowing her to sleep. When they walked out there were two uniformed sitting outside the door and Commander Crawley smiled taking back her place at Platts bedside.

"Didn't know you and Platt had a history." Jay said hooking his elbow around Adams neck. "Let's get back to work."

"Just the dinner." He answered as they walked into the station.

"You know Hank, Al and Trudy were all in academy together?"

"My Pops too."

"So did you know Erin growing up?"

"Nah...my old man never wanted me to go to work with him...he...the Pd...for him it's just a job...for me...for me this is who I am."

"And that's why Al pulled you from academy."

"You think?"

"Hank and Al...they do stuff old school. Antonio and Jules were assigned to intelligence, he brought me in after I saved his sisters ass...Erin was...well she is Hanks girl...they needed more and didn't like the choices they had so they looked at your class." Jay said as they walked up the stairs.

Adam went straight to his desk and sat down and got to work getting a brief update from Kevin. Jay noticed the office door closed and Erin missing so he walked over and let himself in closing the door behind him.

Hank was sitting at his desk with his arms crossed and eyes closed and Erin was sitting on the edge of his desk with bloodshot eyes. "What can I do?" Jay asked as he walked over and put his hand on Hanks shoulder.

"Whatever happens...we will make it look like we went by the books, you can't handle that you can take a few days."

"I meant for you." Jay said calmly.

"If you aren't with me you will be with her. If she isn't with you she will be with Al. Until this is closed."

"Dad." Erin said sounding like she was on the verge of tears, "You saw him with his brains all over the fucking floor...Justin...you...you shouldn't be working this case."

"That is exactly why Al and I need to be on this. Trudy is... we will get the guy who did this to her."

"Then you will talk to Charles?" Erin asked.

"I have been...writing in the book and doing what he tells me to. You can ask Halstead if you don't believe me." Hank rolled his eyes.

"I never see you guys talking about it anymore."

"It's on my desk every morning...usually shoved in some random file." Jay acknowledged.

"How was Trudy?" Erin asked.

"Did you know Ruzek went to dinner with them a couple years ago?"

"If I remember correctly she tried to get you to go with her." Hank smirked.

"And Antonio."

"Can we get back to the case now? Or do you have more stupid questions for me." Hank asked giving Erin a full on dad look.

"I love you too." She said with a small smile as she stood up from the desk. "You really still write everyday?"

"Have a couple I can rotate through..." he said reaching into his drawer and pulling out a tattered spiral notebook from his desk. "Have one at home and in the truck."

"And one on my desk." Jay smiled to Erin.

"I never see you reading them."

"You see me looking at files everyday don't you?"

"Out of my office. And leave the door open."

The case...or lack there of seemed to be a bust until Erin went to the hospital to talk to Trudy and found her gone. "I knew she was hiding something." Erin yelled to Jay after she updated Hank on the phone.

He was driving past the hospital as they were walking out and Jay jumped in with him and Al hopped in with Erin. "I do not need to remind you that we will make this look by the books." Hank said as he parked in front of one of Trudys dads houses.

"Just keep your two way on. Tell me when to come in...if shit hits the fan though..."

"Trudy isn't like me...she is tough but..."

"By the books."

"She...just...I need you to trust me."

"Two way is on." Jay said as Hank got out of his truck.

"Door is open." Hank mumbled into the radio. "Front room clear." He whispered, "Kitchen clear...upstairs clear. Going downstairs."

Jay listened as Hank said Trudy was in the bathroom, then as he had a very blunt quick conversation with the guy before Trudy walked in. "Jay take him to the cage." Hank said before abruptly turning off the radio.

When he entered the house he could hear Hank consoling Trudy and he continued to the basement. He very easily detained the man and silently transported him back to the PD where he voluntarily entered the cage. Hank walked in ten minutes later and squeezed Jays shoulder as he walked past him. "You did not see her. She has been in the hospital the entire time. Halstead cuffed you and brought you in."

"Okay." The man mumbled.

"Halstead take him in and book him. Al will be there shortly." Hank said glaring at the very agreeable man in the cage.

When Al and Jay finished they went back up to the pen they found everyone sitting at their desks and Hank was alone in his office. Al sat down but Jay went into the office and closed the door behind him, "Ten minutes."

"Why don't you and Erin come over for dinner tonight?"


	33. Chapter 33

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _When Al and Jay finished they went back up to the pen they found everyone sitting at their desks and Hank was alone in his office. Al sat down but Jay went into the office and closed the door behind him, "Ten minutes."_

 _"Why don't you and Erin come over for dinner tonight?"_

"What she said to you at the house..."

"After Cam died...Trudy was... she saw me at my worst. I owe her my life."

"You've got a lot of people who have your back."

"You do too Kid."

"When will she be officially released?"

"THis afternoon."

"You getting her or is Mouch?" Jay raised an eyebrow.

"We are going to have dinner tonight. Why don't you bring the kid too?"

"All of intelligence?"

Earning a grunt as a response Jay knew he was pushing his luck, "Did you want me to talk to Charles or are you going to about seeing Justin when you..."

Jay watched as Hanks exterior caved and saw the tears in his eyes, "Jay I... I need to be there for Trudy."

"First thing tomorrow you and I will have breakfast with Charles."

"You tell Erin?"

"What do you think?"

"I don't want her to worry."

"She is going to worry, she loves you." Jay smirked, "Only God knows why."

"I am going to Med. I will call when she gets released." Hank cut him off with a small smile.

"You want us to bring anything?"

"Nah." Hank said grabbing his jacket as he walked out leaving Jay alone in his office. Noticing the notebook on his desk Jay sat down and picked it up.

 _When Erin told me she was gone I had to find her, she always was one to be in her own world...helping save everyone else leaving her last. Mouch doesn't know that side of her...I don't know the side that he does. She needs both to get through this and I hope he can see that. I don't know what I would have done without her and Cam when I lost my Dad. Then when Cam died...I don't know how to hold it together when I keep seeing Justin though. I feel out of control. I need control._

Jay grabbed a pen and started to write, _Show her you are human._ He closed the cover and was tucking the notebook in his pocket when Al walked in. "BBQ at 7." Al nodded. "Suppose he already told you."

"When his Dad died...how long was it until Camille?"

"Under a year."

"How close are you three?"

"Three being Trudy?" Jay nodded. "How close are you, Lindsay and Dawson?"

"He is at med with her. Mouch is on shift."

"We have been her family longer than you have been alive."

"He saw Justin when he saw Robert lying there."

"I was there." Jay snapped his head up, "Know his tells."

"Are we having a slumber party tonight?" Jay smirked.

"You still have a lot to learn." Al shook his head and ducked back out of the office.

"Here for you too Al." Jay said following him out of the office.

Three hours later everyone was sitting around Hanks living room watching a Cubs game when Hank led Trudy into the house and had her sit down in his recliner before he jetted to the kitchen.

Adam planted himself on the floor leaning against the side of the chair and Erin and Jay both hopped up and followed Hank into the kitchen. Erin ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Jay flipped open the notebook so Hank could see what was written before closing it and setting it on the counter. "Want any help with the grill Sarge?" He asked.

"Can fire it up if you want." He said as he peeled Erin off of him. "I'm fine Kid." He told her.

"You're something alright." Erin said crossing her arms defensively.

"You can go get your room ready for her to stay in it."

"Mouch know she is staying here?"

"He is on shift."

"Not what I asked Hank."

"Yes he knows." Hank growled. "Man didn't want her alone at home quite yet so she is here until his shift is over tomorrow afternoon."

"You two actually had a conversation?" Jay smirked as he walked in.

"Yeah... probably went like this-I will take a shift off and help." Erin said imitating Mouch. "You will do no such thing." Imitation of Trudy. "She will come home with me." Hank. "No." Trudy again. "Yes." "Fine."

"Are you done?" Hank asked trying to glare but really fighting back a smile.

"Want me to throw the meat on?" Jay asked with a smirk.

"Fridge. Bottom shelf." He nodded to Jay. "Your room. Now." He bossed Erin.

When Hank walked out to the back porch he smiled when he saw Jay standing guard over his grill. Jay held out the tongs and spray bottle to Hank and waited. Hank took them and set them on the railing, "Worried about her."

"She's tough."

"Lost her Dad."

"She's got you and Mouch."

"I don't know if I should have stopped her."

"Trust your gut?"

"By the books."

"She needs to see that it is okay to be human."

"You want me to cry to her about Justin."

"Not what I said."

"I would do anything for her you know?"

"She needs to know it is okay to not be so strong all the time...why don't you show her your book from when Justin was killed...the stuff you wrote..."

"I don't want her to pity me."

"Do you think I pity you?"

"You really think it will help?"

"I think she sees you as someone who is unbrakeable." Jay told him as Hank flipped the meat on the grill.

The steaks were juicy and practically melted in their mouths as they sat around the living room eating. No one spoke of the attack or the fact that Hank had cut up Trudys food for her or that he was watching her like a hawk to ensure that she was in fact eating. Or that Al was sticking super close to Adam or even that Antonio had told them he was going to be leaving intelligence to work for the states attorney.

The later and later it got the more the young crew melted into each other, Erin leaning against Jay on the couch, Adam and Antonio on the floor leaning against their legs. Keven finally got up, "Come on Ruz. I'll drop you off on my way home."

"Is it okay to leave? I mean...shouldn't we stick together?" Adam asked looking around.

"Gotta get home to the kids." He said referring to his brother and sister.

"I can take the Kid home." Al told Kevin. "Will head out in a few." He told Adam as he nudged Hank into the office, closing the door behind him.

"Uh...ok. Guess I will see y'all in the morning."

"Let us know when you get home." Erin smiled at him.

"Hey Sarge?" Adam asked, barely above a whisper after the three were out of the room.

"I am fine Boy Wonder." She snarked earning a snicker from Antonio and Jay for the nickname.

"Your Dad...he loved you." Adam told her. When Trudy nodded and looked away Adam got up and walked over to the arm chair and sat down on the armrest. "What happened...it wasn't your fault." With a sharp inhale a sob escaped the unbreakable Sargent Trudy Platt and Adam put his arm around her and she leaned into him as she cried, holding his shirt tighter with each heartbreaking sob.

Antonio got up and squeezed Adams shoulder before letting himself into Hanks office. "Thought you should know Ruzek got through." He told them before turning around and sitting on the couch next to Erin who pulled him into her. Hank and Al were right on his heals and surrounded Trudy and Adam.

When she realized Hank was there she reached her hand out to his and squeezed it tight as she maintained her hold on Adam. Al gripped Adam's shoulders and gave him the strength to keep his hold on their friend.

As time went on her breathing slowed and she cried herself to sleep leaning more and more onto Adam. When Hank decided she was relaxed enough he peeled her off the young detective and lifted her in his arms and carried her up the stairs. Erin got up and followed them up and watched as Hank carried her into her room, laying her on the side of the bed and sitting down next to her. "Dad?" Erin questioned.

"I don't want her alone tonight." He said his voice extra thick with emotion.

"Don't want her alone or you don't want to be alone?" She asked as she covered her with the blanket.

"Does it matter?" Hank asked, looking at her with tears in his eyes.

"I know you saw J when you saw her Dad." Erin said as she pulled Hank into a hug. "I miss him too."

"Halstead said he didn't say anything." Hank mumbled.

"He didn't. Al has been glued to your hip though." Erin pulled back and held Hanks head so he was forced to look at her. "Jay, Dawson and I are all staying here tonight. My guess is Al and Adam will too. None of us want to be alone."

"Better not be staying on my account." Trudy mumbled. "I am fine."

"You might be...but I'm not." Hank said lowering his head.

Trudy rolled over to look at him and saw the tear slide down his cheek. "When did we go soft?" Trudy chuckled as she slowly sat up and wrapped herself around his back, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Dad I think you should talk to her about what has been going on since Justin was killed."

"Twice in so many minutes. I've only heard you call him Dad when..." Trudy looked up at Erin and when she nodded Trudy held Hank even tighter.

As Hank told Trudy about his struggle with depression Erin sat on the bed next to him gently holding his hand. Then Trudy told them about her father. Erin could tell they were both exhausted by the end and she helped Trudy to lay back down comfortably. "Dad, we should let her get some sleep." Erin whispered.

Hank nodded at her but did not move until Erin walked around and pulled him up. "You are sleeping in a bed tonight too." She said as she wrapped her arm around the strongest man she knew and led him into his bedroom. He sat down on his bed and she helped him to take off his shoes before she tucked him in. She walked around to Camilles side of the bed and laid down with her head on his chest. "I love you. You know?"

"I love you too Kid." He whispered back half asleep. Erin waited until his snoring started before sneaking out of the room and back downstairs.

Al was reclined in the chair when Erin walked in the room, eyes closed and it seemed he was asleep. "They are asleep." She whispered. "You guys don't have to stay here if you don't want."

"Seems like a good night to stick with family." Antonio said.

"You gonna remember your family when you move on?" Adam asked from his spot on the floor.

"You think I could ever forget about you lunatics?" He smirked.

"We all have work in the morning...Should probably get some sleep." Jay said.

"Trudy is in my room. We've got the bunks in Justin's room and here."

"I'm good with the couch." Antonio yawned.

"Adam why don't you and Jay take the bunks." Erin suggested.

"Where are you going to sleep?" Adam asked.

When Erin shrugged Jay took her hand, "Have you been in his room since?"

"Lindsay go sleep in a bed." Al told her.

Jay and Adam stood up and both ushered her upstairs. Adam climbed up to the top and laid down already half asleep. Jay laid down on Justin's bed and watched as Erin walked around the room, soaking in all things Justin before laying down on the bed. "I'm gonna go check on them." Erin said after a minute.

"You need to sleep too." Adam said, his legs dangling over the edge.

"I will be fine when my family is fine." She said from the doorway.

Jay got up and went over to her and pulled her into a hug, "Then I'm going with you."

"Jay go to bed."

"If you won't sleep in there I'm not either."

"I just need..."

"Babe lets go check on them then we will try to sleep...if you can't then we can trade with Dawson."

"Or you can just go to bed and leave me..." Jay glared at her, "...fine."

She stuck her head in on Trudy who was asleep before going to her dads room, "Erin go to bed." Hank tried to tell her but Jay and Erin could both tell from his voice he had been crying.

Jay pushed Erin into the room whispering, "Will give you a bit."

Erin walked over and crawled back into Camilles spot once again laying her head on her dads chest. "Sometimes it is too much." He whispered as his chest started to shake.

She just laid there in his side, head on his chest as he held her so tight it hurt. She was all he had. She saw Jay stick his head in a couple times before he came all the way in, giving what she knew to be a Xanax bottle a shake and setting it on the table with a glass of water. Erin knew he wouldn't be back in again unless she called him.

"You keep him around Erin...both of you...you run...but no matter what you stick together."

"He doesn't run." Erin said feeling a smile tug at her cheeks.

"If he ever gets the guts to deal with his demons...give him space but do not let him run."

"Dad what do you know about him that I don't?"

"I've got his file Kiddo...and when Mouse wants something...I got a hyper speed rendition of their time."

"Do you want one of the pills he brought in?"

"Do you?" He asked her gently.

"I want my family to stop hurting."

"I know Baby, I know." He whispered pulling her tight against his chest and leaning his cheek against the top of her head as he closed his eyes.

Hearing Hanks snore Adam asked Jay, "She staying with him tonight?"

"That's my guess."

"Is it weird?"

"What?"

"Her staying in his room?"

"We are staying in her brothers bed...brother who just was killed a few weeks ago...in the same way as Platts dad...if I were her I wouldn't want to stay in here either."

"Her and Voight don't act like they are that close when they are at work."

"They also don't usually have all of us invade their home life."

"You gonna be able to sleep tonight?"

"Not if you keep talking." Jay fake yawned, he knew Adam wouldn't sleep if he knew Jay would be laying there awake.

"Night Jay." Adam yawned back.

It didn't take long for Adam to fall asleep and Jay lay there awake, he knew if he were to try and sleep he would have one of his night terrors. When he was with Erin he could get a few hours at least without waking up. Not long after Adam fell asleep he get out of bed and went downstairs and sat down at Hanks desk.

Jay pulled out his notebook, very similar to Hanks-they had actually swapped them a few times in passing and he started writing. His fears, his ptsd, his addiction to Erin...his yearning for a family but inability to open up about his past. As the sky started to turn pink out the windows he made his way back upstairs and settled himself in the chair at the foot of Hanks bed where he closed his eyes to rest, journal resting on his chest.

Hank gently woke Erin when he stretched and she rolled over as he sat up, "Your boyfriend should have slept in a bed."

"He's only been in here about an hour...so shhh. Don't wake him up." Erin told Hank as he got up and slipped the journal from the younger mans loose grasp and sat back down on the foot of his bed and started to read. "Reading your journal?"

"His."

"What? Since when does he write in one too?"

"He said off and on the better part of a decade." Hank told her as he handed her the book open to the last page. "He brought you back...you do the same for him when he runs."

"He isn't going to run." Erin said closing the book and setting it down without looking at it.

"Kiddo listen to me and listen good, Halstead loves the hell outta you but he has his demons he has been trying to push back most of his life. He wasn't strong enough to face them before and it is starting to catch up now. You make him stronger just like he makes you stronger. He will try to run...give him space but do not let him go."

"I don't know if I can handle him leaving."

"He had both our backs and we will have his... now I am going to shower. One of you will stay here with Trudy until Mouch gets here."

"Where are you going that you won't be here with her?"

"Some of us have a team to lead."

"Leave Adam here."

"Three of you then." Hank grunted before grabbing clean clothes and walking across the hall into the bathroom.

Erin got up and went into Justin's room where Adam was still dead to the world. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair waking him gently, "Baby you, me and Jay are working from here today, at least until Mouch gets here."

"Jay didnt sleep in here." He mumbled.

"No...he was in the office then fell asleep in his room in the chair...like an hour ago."

"Did you sleep?

"Yeah. Go back to sleep if you want but keep an ear out if Trudy wakes up and needs anything. I'm going to update Al and Dawson."

Walking down the stairs Al turned around and watched her, "Everyone else sleeping?"

"Jay just went to sleep an hour ago...Told Adam to keep an ear out for Trudy. Hank said you three are meeting Kevin and working from the office today...we are on Trudy duty."

"What was Hank doing in his office all night?"

"That was Jay."

"More to that story." Antonio stated.

"Ask him if you want." Erin dared.

"Hank want us to meet him there?" Al asked.

"Diner." Hank said with a smile as he walked down the stairs looking more refreshed than Erin remembered him being. "Food in the fridge to make breakfast if you can manage."

"Ass." Erin grumbled as Hank put his arm around her, kissing her on the forehead.


	34. Chapter 34

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

" _What was Hank doing in his office all night?"_

 _"That was Jay."_

 _"More to that story." Antonio stated._

 _"Ask him if you want." Erin dared._

 _"Hank want us to meet him there?" Al asked._

 _"Diner." Hank said with a smile as he walked down the stairs looking more refreshed than Erin remembered him being. "Food in the fridge to make breakfast if you can manage."_

 _"Ass." Erin grumbled as Hank put his arm around her, kissing her on the forehead._

The morning passed quickly, Erin working on Hanks desktop and Adam used her laptop while Jay and Trudy slept. Erin helped her shower and get dressed before she came downstairs where she had been planted in the recliner watching tv.

Erin loved how protective Adam had become of Trudy and she was starting to see why Trudy called him Boy Wonder. Hank either called or texted every hour for an update and at noon he demanded that she go up and wake Jay.

She went up and stood behind him where she started to massage his neck and shoulders, she knew the chair was not comfortable to sleep in and the fact that he was still asleep she hurt at how aware she had become on his lack of sleep the past few weeks. "Halstead if you can't talk to me about what is going on please tell me you are talking to someone."

"Hank...and Ethan."

"Wills friend?"

"Something like that, he's buddies with Mouse from stuff at the VA."

"Its noon." Erin smirked. Jay whipped his head around to the clock in disbelief. "What were you doing in Hanks office all night?" Jay shrugged and looked down at the notebook. "When you are ready...I love you." Erin told him finally believing what Hank told her earlier that morning.

Jay held her hand in his and kissed it softly, "Don't know what I'd do without you." He told her with tears in his eyes.

"No intention of letting you find out Halstead." Erin smiled. "Now go take a shower, Trudys downstairs so you can get your clothes from the dresser."

Walking down the stairs Erin could hear Adam and Trudy talking, her telling him a story about her childhood. She smiled and went back into Hanks office calling him, fifteen minutes later Jay walked into the office and set the notebook down in front of her. "You want me to know what it says then you tell me." Erin said crossing her arms.

"Not always easy to talk about." Jay told her.

"Jay whatever you could possibly say it won't change us."

"You didn't know me then."

"But I know who you are now and that is all I care about."

"How is Platt today?"

"Fine. Still pretty tired but doesn't seem to be hurting much. She's actually talking to Adam."

"Mouch off soon?"

"Hank said two."

"Then we go to work?"

"I've been working sleeping beauty. You are welcome by the way. Our paperwork is just about caught up. Hank wants us in the office for a few hours this afternoon in case something comes up but we should be out for a late dinner."

"Maybe go through another box?" Jay asked and Erin smiled.

"Sure...but Hank wants us to find out if she wants to do a funeral or just burial." She said looking quickly at her phone.

They walked into the living room just as Trudy was telling Adam how her father surprised her with her first car for her sweet sixteen. "I suppose he told you to ask me since I haven't answered his calls." Trudy smirked.

"He's just trying to help Sarge."

"He can take his help and shove it up his ass."

"Trudy they need to know if you want him buried or cremated and whether or not you want a funeral or graveside memorial." Erin said gently.

Adam looked from Erin to Trudy and gave a sad smile. "Buried. Black suit, blue tie. Graveside." He said as he walked over and sat on the armrest of the recliner putting his arm around her shoulder. "Right Sarge?"

"Boy Wonder." She responded as her voice cracked. "My Dad..."

"Jet black coffin with a cream satin liner. Crazy socks...like cartoon or like ones with martini glasses or something." Adam finished. Trudy nodding as tears slid from her eyes.

"You guys didn't talk about this today..." Erin stated.

"Dad said...at the dinner...years ago...you remembered." She cried. Adam pulled her into him and held her as she sobbed.

When Erin looked over to Jay he had tears in his eyes and she squeezed his hand. She sent Hank a text with exactly what Adam had said. A few minutes later Erin saw a shadow by the front door and stood up to let Mouch in. He looked anxious...then again he always looked anxious.

"How is she? How's My Trudy?"

"Just told Hank what she wanted for the funeral...Adam is with her now." Erin told him. "Hey Mouch...if you guys need anything...we love Trudy."

He nodded and gave a sad smile and Erin nodded towards the living room. He walked in and saw Adam holding her and tears slid from his eyes as he rushed towards her. As soon as she saw him she tried to wipe her eyes and regain composure, but still leaned into Adam.

"Guess you are here to take me home now." Trudy said with a gravely voice.

"Whatever you want to do Baby. These guys have known you longer than me and I understand if you want to be with them."

"Randy...no...you are my family now too." She said finally sitting up from Adam and leaning towards her husband who was crouched down in front of her.

"She had pain meds at nine and one. Would only take the lowest dose." Adam said gently squeezing her shoulder before standing up and walking over by Erin.

"You gonna tell him my bathroom schedule too?" Trudy smirked.

"You guys haven't been married that long...don't want to scare him away now do we?" Jay laughed.

"Trudy if you want be to come by in the morning to help you again.." Erin told her as Trudy stood up slowly.

"You will see me back in the office Monday." Trudy told them before walking herself towards the front door.

As soon as she was out the door Erin wrapped Adam in a hug. "Did good Kid...real good."

"To the district?" Jay asked and that is where they went. That night they went through a box of Jays stuff, baby pictures and old clothes, a few toys. Most of it went from the cardboard box into a Rubbermaid container but Erin did pull a couple of the framed photos out to put up in their house.

The weekend was uneventful, and with no cases popping off both Jay and Erin put in for some overtime. Wearing an official uniform was a bummer but the extra pay to basically babysit at events was easy money. The Sargent who was filling in for Platt refused to partner anyone from intelligence together though so they were working different hours and locations. It made Jay extremely nervous and after a third night of it Hank pulled Jay to be on call for Intelligence while sending Erin and Adam to do security for a concert.

"You talk to Charles about not sleeping?" Hank asked Jay after everyone else left for the evening.

"A bit. Went with Ethan to one of the groups at the VA."

"It help?"

"I'm not the only one." Jay shrugged as he fiddled with the police radio on his desk.

"You already knew that."

"They talk about coping techniques but I swear the people talking have never seen anyone me who had been killed...just seemslike a waste of time."

"She know you are going?"

"She knows I was with Ethan."

"Talk to her." Hank said as Jay flipped on the radio.

Before Jay even had time to respond to Hank they heard Erin's voice screaming out "Shots fired at the Riviera...multiple victims down...!"

The two men looked at each other and ran down the steps to Hanks truck. Jay calling Dawson on the way to have the rest of the team meet them there. Neither man could take a full breath in until they saw Erin screaming orders at one of the officers on scene. As soon as the officers saw Hank arrive it was as if everyone knew he was in charge. Kevin arrived a few seconds before Al and Antonio and Hank put him in charge of securing the scene. With the demographics having him bark orders would go a long way with the public view and willingness to assist.

The case kept the entire team busy, multiple retaliation shootings they slept when they could but for the most part they survived on coffee. When they did have a chance to look around they saw that this case was different for Kevin than it was for the rest of them. He lived the lifestyle, grew up in the neighborhood...his sister and brother right in the middle of it all.

Trudy called Erin as they just finished talking to TK's parents at the hospital and said Kim was off the rest of the day, that she found Jordan at the home of one of the boys on the list. Erin relayed the message to Hank as they heard Kevin yelling at the kids manager.

Hank pulled him away from the man and took him back to the station where Trudy passed along the message...he didn't even have enough time to process before being thrown back on the case.

A couple hours later Kevin was standing at the docks with Adam as they watched Hank talking to the gangsters, "I barely made it out...if anything happens to Jordan or..."

"We won't let it. Kim's with them now, they are good kids."

"So was TK."

"We get home tonight...we will all be at Giordanos." Adam said as he fired off a text to the team.

"One by Willis Tower?"

"As if we would go anywhere else."

Erin and Jay hung back as the team slowly left the bullpen at the end of the day, most had to stop by home before going to dinner. The two of them were going to go straight there though-make sure they were able to snag a table in the back large enough for their entire crew plus Kevin's brother and sister.

When they saw Kevin hanging back Erin sent a text to Hank tolk to him and get him to head home so they can could all go to dinner. He didn't even notice when the two of them left or Hank watching him from the doorway of his office. When they saw Kevin walk down the stairs towards his car they pulled out onto the road.

"I can't imagine what his life is like...raising his brother and sister...working as a cop arresting people he grew up with..." Erin said as she drove down the street.

"We all grew up in drastically different ways but we are all from Chicago...I think that is what makes us all work so well together."

"I guess...all of us were raised in dysfunctional families."

"And somehow we all made it out."

"Think Kevin needs a reminder of that...that he can choose his own family."

"I feel bad when he has to leave and all the rest of us are still hanging out."

"I think he could stay if he really wanted to."

"I dunno Er, if he isn't home with Jordan and Vanessa...just look at what happened today...if Burgess hadn't found him...Kevin doesn't really have anyone else to help him out."

About a half hour after they arrived Dawson with Diego, Al with Michelle and Lexi, Hank and Adam straggled in. Kim shortly after that. "Kev sent a text they are on their way." She said as she sat down next to Adam.

"Let's order some pies then." Hank decided and subsequently ordered for everyone.

Kevin arrived with his brother and sister as the waiters came out with a parade of pies. And Kevin smiled when Vanessa sat down between Kim and Erin announcing that she didn't want to be surrounded by dudes.

Jordan stuck close to his brother though and wouldn't look anyone in the eye. Finally sitting down between Antonio and Hank. "So Jordan, any interest in picking up boxing?" Antonio asked him peaking his interest and engaging him in conversation. Kevin looked across at Adam and Kim and mouthed a thank you.

Once they were all shoving their faces Erin handed her phone to a passing waitress who took a few candid shots around the table. Their family. Mismatched and a whole lot of dysfunction and yet there they were all around the table together eating, laughing and unwinding. That night as Erin and Jay laid in bed together they fell asleep smiling. They had their family, it was well defined and well guarded.

Shortly after arriving on shift the next morning Jay got a call from Will asking them to come down to Med to see about all the overdoses. They quickly got it cleared by Hank before heading out. "Why didn't they just report this to narcotics? They are usually the ones who take these cases." Erin asked.

"Why do we call Will or Dr Charles anytime we need anything and not any of the other thousands of doctors in Chicago." Jay answered with extreme sarcasm.

"There really that many?"

"He said this was the third wave." Jay shrugged. "Will doesn't usually exaggerate so if he thinks something is going on..."

Adam called them as they were getting ready to leave Med...suspicious package on the beach. It didn't take too long for them to make their way to the park...right in time to find a bloated water logged body with the face smashed in. Finding bodies was bad enough but add in the soggy lake water and hot sun... it was hard not to lose their lunch.

"I wish Mouse would drop this crap about him re-upping. He barely is getting his life together." Jay mumbled to Erin as they walked away from the group, looking for evidence...and fresh air.

The next few hours Jay purposefully made it so him and Erin were out of the pen and running leads...checking out locations that the dead kid spent his time trying to find any connection to the supply line.

When Jay finally did go into PD Mouse was quick to come up with a photo of the kid in Afghanistan and tried to talk about the things they saw. Jay was pissed, beyond pissed really...he was terrified. All of the faces of all of the soldiers he couldn't protect, the faces of their families, it was too much to handle. "You aren't going back." Jay told him before storming off, shutting himself in Hanks office without even realizing Hank was in there on the phone.

He raised a questioning brow and pointed to a chair where Jay quietly sat and put his head in his hands trying to calm his mind. "Take your time." Hank said as he tossed a spiral notebook over to him with a pen in the rings. Jay opened the notebook and started scribbling. When he finally let the book drop Hank looked him up and down, "Go with Atwater. Talk to the roommate."

"Thanks Sarge." Jay said standing up and tossing the notebook back on the desk. Of course Mouse caught him as they were heading out and Jay couldn't hold his temper. Told him...yelled really, that going back was stupid, it would get him killed, that if he wanted a part of the action to become a police officer. None of it got through though and finally Jay threw his arms up, "This conversation isn't over." Before storming off.

A couple hours later after another public argument with Mouse Erin cornered Jay in the breakroom. "This isn't right for YOU." She told him. "If you made up your mind could anyone stop you?" Jay only heard parts of what she was saying, he was too amped up. Too scared of losing his best friend the entire conversation was a blur.

Everything was just too much and he just wanted to take Erin and go blow off some steam in the bedroom. The problem with that was that she knew that and wasn't about to let him just walk away from this issue. Mouse was his best friend and it scared him to have him leave again...she got that much even if she didn't know what life over there was like. Jay was out with Kevin shortly after when he received a text from her. 'Call Ethan. X.'

Jay knew she was right, talk to someone who would understand and as soon as they got back and he was able to sneak away to the locker room that was exactly what he did. Then he went to talk to his friend. Not two seconds later Erin appeared from nowhere and pulled Jay into her kissing him gently, "That is the Jay I know."

That night at Molly's Jay chatted with some of the guys he had met at the VA while Erin sat at the bar talking to Gabby. "There is a whole side of him I don't know." She told her.

"Judging by how frequently he glances in your direction it's obvious he is trying."

"How can he live two separate lives though?"

"How do you think he got so good at doing undercover work?"

"This is different."

"I dunno...I mean with your past and how you grew up...that is two different worlds too."

"But he knows about my past."

"Voluntarily?"

"You have known for a long time he has ptsd...all the stuff when he was serving...thinking he needs to do the saving instead of being saved so it isn't like you had no idea there was stuff going on."

"How are we ever going to work when we are both so fucked up?"

"One question." Gabby smiled, "Do you love him?"

Erin smiled back, "Thanks Dawson."

"He's a good guy Erin." She said tapping the edge of the bar before walking down to help some of the other customers.

Jay Halstead was an amazing guy and when she walked over to the table he was standing around she gently took his hand in hers and squeezed it.

"Nice to see you helping to keep this guys head on straight." Ethan said with a smile.

Erin looked up at Jay and he gave a shy smile. They spent the rest of the evening side by side except when Mouse gave his goodbye toast...which was the most Erin had ever heard him talk at one time. Family. Totally unconventional but the intelligence unit was just that...a family.


	35. Chapter 35

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _"Nice to see you helping to keep this guys head on straight." Ethan said with a smile._

 _Erin looked up at Jay and he gave a shy smile. They spent the rest of the evening side by side except when Mouse gave his goodbye toast...which was the most Erin had ever heard him talk at one time. Family. Totally unconventional but the intelligence unit was just that...a family._

Life as usual...what was usual for intelligence? Working long hours, sleeping when uou can, eating when you can...blowing off steam at the gym...and in the bedroom. Erin and Jay made sure that despite whatever case they were working they made a sound effort to check in with every member of the team each day. Talking about anything other than work. Most of all Erin and Jay made sure to check in with each other.

When Erin walked into the pen and found a vase of flowers on her desk, her favorite flowers she assumed they were from Jay. Jay meanwhile had been staring at the flowers since they had been delivered wondering who had sent them to her...Severide was the only name he could come up with though and he really didn't think he was the flowers and candy type of guy.

"Cards blank...they really aren't from you?" She questioned.

"I'll find out where they came from." He told her...and he would. Erin was his girl and he should be the only one to send her flowers.

As usual they got busy with the case, and questioning old school methods. Jay saw Antonios reaction to Al's relationship with Jake and agreed that he needed to take a step back...not a step forward. When Hank stepped in and allowed it Jay stormed out and went back to tracking the flowers instead of working the case.

Eastern Kansas...whoever sent the flowers the order originated in Eastern Kansas. That rules out Severide...

"Jay!" Erin yelled from across the pen drawing him back into reality. "You want to go grab lunch for everyone?" She asked with a smirk.

"Uh yeah I guess." He mumbled standing up, earning weird looks from Kevin and Al...when did Al go back to his desk?

He followed Erin down the back steps and claimed his spot riding shotgun. "Talk to me." Erin said reaching across and grabbing his hand.

"The flowers...I didn't know Daisy's were your favorite." Jay shrugged his shoulders.

"Didn't think we were the flowers and cards kinda couple."

"You deserve someone who knows..."

"I want someone who has my back 24/7 and can help me find my way back."

"I want to be the kinda guy you deserve."

"I want you." Erin said ending the conversation...but wondering when the hell he got so unsure of himself...over stupid flowers.

On the case he seemed like his normal self...cocky...sure of who he was...away from that though...Erin could see him struggling. She knew Hanks warning to give him space but to have his back. It was hard walking the tight rope. When she got the call from no one...from outside of Leavenworth...she tells Jay that Bunnie always told her that her father did a stint there once.

Was her father back? What was Bunnie up to? Erin was thankful to be distracted by the case and by whatever Jay was trying to work through... but really...was her father back? "Hank is my Dad." Erin said quietly to herself, though loud enough for Jay to hear after Hank stormed past their desks and into his office.

"I wish my Dad was more like yours." Jay admitted back.

"Always the pair Halstead. You and me...we are meant to be." Erin smirked at him.

"Should we go find Al tonight?" Jay asked her when they were leaving the station a few hours later.

"Hank is."

"Can I take you somewhere?" Jay asked.

"As long as you promise no cards and flowers."

Jay gave a sad smile and nodded, Erin tossed him the keys. Less than two minutes later Erin had a feeling where they were going...but when Jay turned left in the cemetery instead of right she knew it was to visit his Mother instead of Nadia or Camille. All this time, all of their trips to the cemetery he never said anything about her being buried at the same place.

"Haven't been here since we laid her to rest...failed her...failed Dad..."

"Your Dad still alive?" Erin asked.

"Same house in Canaryville I grew up in."

"Halstead I know doesn't give up when things get tough." Erin knelt down to pick up some dead leaves from the base of the headstone. "What was she like Jay?"

"She died from cancer." Jay shrugged his shoulders.

"Wasn't asking how she died, was asking how she lived." Erin said reaching for his hand.

"When she needed me...I wasn't there...Dad...he...he couldn't handle it so was either at work or the bar...Will was in New York...I was serving...kept taking missions even when I knew...when I could have taken leave I kept going on missions...my head wasn't there...got people killed...wasn't here for her like I should have been."

"When you were little...what was she like before you went into the rangers?"

He sat down next to her and stared, he was telling her the worst parts of him and she was able to look past to see his heart. "She was amazing, timid though...Dad...he loved her but..."

"She was his punching bag." Erin finished. "She sent you to your grandpa when things got bad?"

"Yeah...Dad...he...he worked hard but it was blue color work...bounced around...when work was bad..."

"When work was bad you went to the cabin."

"...and left her alone with him."

"You were a kid."

"Why did you stop talking to him?"

"He told us he was going to get married again."

"Did he?"

"No...when Will yelled at him he ended it."

"So he lost his wife and his girlfriend?...and his son?"

"He wasn't there for her...and I didn't want someone else to get hurt like he hurt her..."

"Does Will still see him?"

"Holidays."

"If I had the chance to meet my father...I would want to."

"But you said your dad was Hank."

"He is...but genetically I am a part of whoever...I don't look like Bunnie...good or bad...I don't even know if he knew about me...if I had the chance..."

"You think I should go talk to my Pop."

"I don't know...I just know that you have a lot of things you want to say to him...good and bad..."

"My anger...stuff I've been through...it hurts and turns to anger."

"You have been talking to Ethan and Dr Charles."

"And you."

"No matter what you can always talk to me."

"Some stuff...I...I don't think I can."

"Halstead I'm not going anywhere."

"If you knew everything..."

"Not going anywhere." Erin said standing up and kissing him on the forehead, "Except maybe somewhere warmer than this."

Jay nodded and stood up, "You don't think she blames me?"

"I think she loved you and your brother more than you could possibly imagine...and that she is proud of you." Erin told him with a smile and with another noncommittal shrug of his shoulders he followed her back to the truck, handing her the keys and climbing into the passenger seat.

The next day things were business as usual, sometimes it was amaxing how well Jay could compartmentalize his work and home life. When Erin struggled to keep her cool with a rich boy rapist he managed to crack jokes. The week went by quickly as things seemed to do...the cases that would have dragged on in other units never seem to in intelligence. At the close of the case the crew enjoyed a relaxing evening at Mollys before turning in early.

"We are meeting Bunnie for breakfast." Erin stated as they climbed into bed.

"We?" Jay questioned as she lay her head on his chest.

"Don't want to go alone." She said yawning, "Think she is up to something."

"We are on shift at seven."

"Hank knows, said to radio in our location and just cruise til a case pops off."

"Diner then?"

"I want to trust her."

"I will order pancakes."

"Of course you will." Erin smiled as she closed her eyes to sleep.

The next morning they were sitting at their regular booth chatting as they ate their breakfast when Bunnie ran in frazzled and ranting as usual. "No one cares about parking Mom." Erin groaned irritated that she was late to the time she had picked.

"It's good to see you Bunnie." Jay said trying not to laugh.

"Jay, nice to meet you formally." Bunnie responded with a fake smile.

"So Jay and I are living together now."

"I've heard lots of good things about you."

"No, you haven't."

"Okay."

"Let's just keep this short and sweet even if we all have to fake it."

"Sweetheart I've been meaning to call you. Jay would you mind, I just need a minute."

"Sure." Jay said before feeling a death grip on his thigh.

"No. What is wrong with you? What do you need? Do you need to borrow money? You can't just come have breakfast with me and my boyfriend and be nice and leave it at that? We need to talk-then talk." Erin ranted.

"I need to talk."

Interupted by an officer down call over the radio Bunnie was all but forgotten, "We gotta go." They said as Jay dropped some money on the table, more than the bill was worth and they ran out.

Their stomachs dropped and they immediately went into business mode, devoid of emotion as they called in backup, called for an Ambo, tried to calm the officer and render aid to their fallen comrade. Erin and Jay shared one glance, both knowing the probable outcome and knowing it could have just as easily been one of them laying their on that sidewalk.

As they feared Will came out and told them they did all they could...but... back at the station they heard more talk of Antonio moving over to the DA...and as much as they didn't want to believe the gossip they verified it was true. A good move for their brother, leaving an opening for Kim.

When they got a call that the suspects van was in an alley they rushed to the scene...only to realize at the static of a radio that should have been working that they were trapped and sitting ducks. Sniper shot to the officer who found the car. Jay knew she was gone but Kim held her head, did all she could for the woman as her partner tried to get them to the hospital.

As soon as they were back in the pen Jay went off, "This guy, the way he shot he was trained. He was military! The truck was a lure! It was bait! We never should have been in that alley. That son of a Bitch knew we would come in hot...we had no cover... he had a remote vantage point...triangulated us from above and then used us as freaking target practice! He jammed our frequencies...radios phones they were all down." He stopped when he felt Erin's hand on his arm and he plopped down in this seat.

Erin felt her gut churn as Jay basically described an ambush his unit was in, one he barely survived with the rangers and now here he was living the same thing in Chicago. Jay Halstead...soldier, detective, son, brother, friend...boyfriend. When this case was done Erin knew it was only a matter of time before he would need to break...and with Antonio leaving...his brother...the man who brought him into the intelligence unit...she didn't think it would be pretty.

That night after Voight ordered the shot, one that Al took, breaking his heart in the process...when they were able to save that mother and the little girl, she knew that save held more meaning for Jay than anyone else involved. Erin saw Antonio walk up and hug Hank...shots to the head just like Justin...just like his father. She kept her distance from Jay as they made their way back to the station, riding back with Hank so that Jay could ride one more time with Dawson. She knew her Dad needed her tonight.

At the memorial she saw her Dad touch the wall where his fathers name was, watched as Antonio kissed the wall where Jules name was...her family was hurting and all she could think of was how pissed she was at Bunnie for constantly calling her.

"Say it ain't so Man." Jay said to Antonio in the locker room after the memorial.

"Yeah...it's time for the next chapter."

"I'm always gonna owe you Man." Jay said, if it weren't for him he wouldn't have Erin...he wouldn't have a family.

"For what?"

"You brought me into this unit. Just hope I did you proud."

"I brought you on because you were dating my sister. I thought you were gonna be family." He smirked, they were family through and through. "If I knew you were gonna break up with her I'd have stuck you at the guard shack at headquarters."

"Timings everything."

"Knowing the cop you've become...knowing that you're here...that made it easy for me to take the investigator job."

"Well, I appreciate it Man."

"Here." Antonio said opening his arms and pulling Jay in for a hug. "Love you Bro."

"Love you too." He said with tears in his eyes. "Now lets go to Molly's."

"Lets do it." He said squeezing his brothers shoulder. They would be okay, they would still be family even if they didn't see each other everyday.

Erin drove Hank over to Mollys and sat by him at the bar as he told Kim the open spot was hers if she wanted it. After Antonio gave his speech Erin ducked outside to finally answer her mothers call before taking off to meet her. She didn't see Jay follow her out or jump in the truck to follow her as she sped off like a bat out of hell.

He watched from the parking lot as Bunnie told her something that surprised her...his best guess was that whoever she was claiming to be her father was back in the picture. He followed her as she drove back to Mollys and snuck in the back door coming up to her and wrapping his arms around her, "You okay Babe?"

"Bunnie says my father is in town and wants to see me."

"You want to see him right?"

"Do you think he is actually my Dad?"

"No. Hank is your Dad. Whoever Bunnie says this is...he is like...a sperm donor or something."

"You don't think I should meet him?"

"I know you are going to meet him."

"What if..."

"I've got your back." Jay promised her. "How was Hank?"

"I was going to ask how you were...and he seemed okay. Was going to chill with Al I think. Kim is going to take Antonios spot."

"Figured. Going to be weird not to have him in the unit."

"We will still see him." Erin smiled.

"Yeah Bro, can't get rid of me that easy." Antonio said walking up and putting his arm drunkenly around Jay.

"Rough day today." Jay mumbled.

"What happened today... all I could picture was Jules." Antonio said as his drunken grin traded places with a quivering lip. "Really hard to leave after that..." Jay pulled Antonio into him and felt his shoulder dampen as Antonio gripped his shirt.

Looking to Erin she nodded and led the two of them back to a booth where she saw Al and Hank sitting and twirling the whiskey and ice in their glasses. When Al saw them come over he slid over to the chair next to Hank freeing up the booths bench where Jay slid in Antonio following putting his head in his hands as Jay kept his arm around his shoulder.

"Regrets for leaving already?" Al monotoned.

"Jules." Jay said looking over at Hank.

"My house tonight." Hank said sliding his glass over to Jay.

Erin moved from where she was standing next to the table to crawling into Hanks lap and putting her head on his shoulder. "Love you Dad." She whispered into his ear and he wrapped his arm around her.

"You too Kiddo." He told her, smiling to himself...Erin was never a cuddly child but now...it was nice to have his daughter need him.

Gabby came over and raised a questioning eye at her brother who was clearly crying into Jay, Erin lifted her head and took her hand in hers, "Today reminded him of..."

"Jules...I knew it was a sniper I just didn't know it was to her head... you guys are all on the house tonight. You've taken care of me...and my big brother."

"Thanks Gabi." Jay said with a small smile.

"You guys need anything..." she nodded to the group.

"How are the rest of the crew?" Hank asked once Gabi had left.

"Fine." Erin said nodding towards Kevin and Adam fighting over the darts to play against Kim. "Think she will be a good fit."

"Relationships in my unit..."

"Work and home are separate. We all know."

"Seperate my ass." Al rolled his eyes. "You two work better when you are fighting." He smirked.

"Nadia said the same thing." Antonio said as a fresh wave of hiccuping sobs escaped him.

"We should get out of here." Jay said quietly.

"Erin you make sure the rest make it home tonight. I'll take these two." Hank said squeezing Erin's shoulders. She nodded and looked to Jay like she wanted to protest but didn't. She liked to be the caregiver...to be the one to hold her crying brother...she knew Antonio and Jays relationship with each other was different though. They could go to each other...hold each other without any awkwardness. She hoped that if anything were to change in their relationship that Antonio would keep an eye out.

"Yeah...will drop Kev off at home then bring Kim and Adam back to our place I think."

"Not the house?" Hank asked.

"Nah...let the kids have fun..." Erin gave a sad smile.

Jay watched as Erin walked over and wrestled Adam for the darts and with a smile to Kim she challenged them girls against guys. "My trucks in back, take him through the kitchen." Hank instructed.

"Come on Brother." Jay said as he pushed a slightly drunk and very emotional Antonio up and out of the booth. Jay helped him into the passenger seat then reclined the seat back and walked around to the driver side. He climbed into the backseat as Hank took the driver, Jay moved over and smoothed the hair out of Antonios face and let his arm rest against the mans shoulder.

As Hank pulled out he saw Antonio grip Jays wrist as he leaned his head into his arm. When they got to the house Jay led Antonio up to Erin's room and the two of them laid down on her bed. "Jules...Nadia...everyone else we have lost...we won't forget them. Anytime you want to stay in her room it is yours."

"Somedays are harder than others."

"Truth." Jay whispered. "Should try to sleep."

"Sorry I'm a mess."

"Dont need to apologize to me." Jay said reaching over and putting his hand on Antonios heart. "I've got you."

Jay felt his own tears slide from his eyes as he felt Antonios breathing slow as he fell asleep. Some days were truly harder than others. The guilt and the grief just builds until it overflows. He pulled out his phone and started typing to Erin. 'Whether we are together for five days or five decades please know I will always have your back. If you need to run just tell me how far to let you go. No one will ever understand me like you do and I would rather have you for a friend than have a wife who doesn't get it. You are it for me.'

It took about five seconds for Erin to message back, 'You are my echo...good and bad. Forever.' Followed shortly by, 'Hank is waiting for you downstairs. See you in the morning.'

Jay slid his phone back into his pocket and got out of bed. Al handed him a tumbler when he walked down the steps. "DAs will be good for him."

"I think Nadia was his Camille." Jay responded to Al whilst looking towards Hank.

"I think it makes it easier knowing his Brother has his back." Hank told Jay as he emerged from his office. "Erin is back at the Condo."

"Are we good for each other?" Jay asked quietly..."I mean I would do anything for her...I love her...but we are both so screwed up..."

"You asking that Kid...that is why I haven't stopped you."

"If she runs again..."

"Jay I am only going to say this once. You and Erin...you are my kids. Both of you. Whatever happens I know you two will always remain close and will always be close and I hope you will stick with an old man who loves his kids."

Jay plopped down on the couch and kicked his shoes off. "Wish my old man gave half a shit you do."

"He still alive?"

"In the same house I grew up in."

"You give him a chance to know his son now?"

"What he did to Mom...to Will and I..."

"He's a roughneck. As long as he is alive you've got a chance to change things."

"What was your Pop like?" Jay asked Hank forgetting Al was still there.

"Like a cop. Kept me in line. When he was killed..." Hank choked up, "I would do just about anything to get just one more minute with him.

Al walked over and put his hand on Hanks shoulder and squeezed. "Jay don't let your chance pass you by." He said quietly, "I'm going to head." Hank patted AL's hand and nodded.

"He wasn't a good dad."

"Was it always bad?"

"No...when mom got sick...few rough patches...he is an alcoholic."

"He hurt you?"

"Yes."

"Have you forgiven him?"

"No."

"For you...not for him...go talk to him...tell him...show him the kind of man he taught you to be. Do that for you."

"How can I forgive him for abandoning my mom when she was dying?"

"I think abandoned is a hard word...he made sure others were taking care of her he just wasn't doing it himself."

"Clearly you have talked to Will."

"He knows you shielded him as you were growing up. What you dad did...stepping out like he did, that is on him. You are not responsible for the choices he made and better or worse you didn't turn out all bad."

"Justin was lucky to have you for a Dad." Jay said laying down on the couch.

"He would probably disagree."

"He shouldn't."

"Grass is always greener Kid. Just think on it. Don't want to lose your chance."


	36. Chapter 36

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

" _Justin was lucky to have you for a Dad." Jay said laying down on the couch.  
_

 _"He would probably disagree."_

 _"He shouldn't."_

 _"Grass is always greener Kid. Just think on it. Don't want to lose your chance."_

Hank watched as Jay slipped into a restless sleep before getting up and draping a blanket over him. As he turned to walk away he heard a soft whimper and turned back around to see tears slipping from the young detectives eyes as he dreamt. "Come here Kiddo." Hank said as he lifted Jays head onto his lap waking him slightly.

"My Mom..." he breathed.

"Get some sleep Jay, I've got you." Hank said squeezing his shoulder as his arm draped across his chest.

"Sarge...if Erin ever leaves will you...?"

"As long as I live you are my family." Hank promised him. Jay nodded his head and rolled so his head rested in Hanks ribs falling asleep near instantly. "You have my back Kid, I will always have yours." Hank mumbled as he slouched down and kicked his feet up onto the coffee table making himself as comfortable as he could.

When Erin let herself in the next morning she found them in the same position. She slowly walked up and kissed Hank on the forehead giving a questioning look towards her boyfriend head snuggled into his ribs. Hank slowly squirmed his way out replacing his body with a throw pillow before walking into his office with Erin on his heals.

"Antonio?"

"He is in your room."

"Jay?"

"Talked about his Pop."

"Which made him think about his Mom." Erin frowned, "He ask about us?"

"Asked if I would still be here if you left."

"And?"

"Told him he was one of my kids."

"You mean it?"

"He has my back."

"I'm not going to run again."

"Erin whatever happens whether you two end up married or you go your separate ways I know you both love each other and quite frankly I need both of you."

Erin walked over and crawled into his lap for the second time in two days, "I like that we can talk about the hard stuff now."

"Wish we didn't have so much hard stuff Kiddo."

"We have work in an hour." Erin shrugged.

"You get your boys up. I'm going to shower."

"Good. It's weird as fuck to have my Dad smell like my boyfriend." Erin smirked as she got off of Hanks lap. He just shook his head with a smile as he watched her cross the living room and sit down on the couch stroking Jay's face with her hand waking him gently.

"He really needs a more comfortable couch." Jay groaned as he stretched out.

"Or you could start sleeping in a bed."

"How long before...?"

"About an hour. You still have clothes here, Hank put them in the dresser."

"Dawson's in there."

"I'm gonna go wake him up...will let him take my rig home and we can go get his later today."

"You stomp when Hanks outta the shower?" Jay said slowly getting up, "Coffee...I need coffee."

"Hey Jay?" Erin called when he was almost to the kitchen. "Love you." She smiled as he turned around to see what she wanted.

"You too." He said with a huge grin on his face. He knew she did, it was always good to hear.

He heard her climb the stairs as he started making coffee and just as he was pouring himself a cup he heard Hand stomp through the ceiling. Erin smirked when she heard the stomp...much less graceful than how she and Justin used to do it growing up as she walked into her childhood bedroom. She crawled onto her bed and laid down with her head on Antonios shoulder.

"Sorry I was a mess last night." He said barely above a whisper.

"We've got your back...even if you are too good for CPD now."

"I can't look at her desk anymore... Jules... and Nadia... makes me sick to see other people sitting where they go."

"You have been using Jules desk."

"Because no one else could...it's messed up I know but..."

"I get it...you are talking to the one who has left her guest room a time capsule..." Erin told him as she rolled to face her big brother. "The sniper...yesterday was rough. You know we are family forever though right? You...your family...we will always have your back."

"Do you ever think about getting out? I mean I know you left before but...would you ever again?"

"If the opportunity was right I would think about it...I love what we do I love CPD but I will always be Hanks girl." Erin shrugged. "And besides...if Jay and I ever get married..."

"You can't be in the same unit."

"Jay fits in intelligence."

"So do you."

Erin shrugged, she knew she fit in her family...in intelligence...working under her dad...she didn't know how much CPD thought she fit."Jay put a pot on downstairs. Take my rig today, we can go get yours and Jays later." She said as she crossed the room and pulled out Jays clothes from the drawer before walking out of the room and walking into the bathroom without knocking.

"You would leave CPD so we could get married?" Erin heard over the water rushing fro, the shower.

"Would think of it." Erin said as she pulled back the curtain.

"I love you." He said leaning forward as he shut off the water and reached around her for a towel getting a kiss in the process.

"We are riding in with Hank, hurry up." Erin said after she got her wet kiss.

When she went back downstairs she heard Hank talking to Antonio in the kitchen, how Antonio said he agreed to a trial with the DA, see if it was something he even wanted to do long term. That the only reason he agreed to the trial was to make things easier on his kids since his wife checked out and gave up her fight to keep the kids away from him. He wanted to be a stable parent, or as stable as he could get. Thankfully he had his Moms help with staying with them when he had to work odd hours.

"Go home be with your kids. You get weekends now." Erin said walking in and looping her arm behind his back. "Jay and I can meet y'all later to straighten out all of our cars." She said handing him her keys.

"Your boyfriend has two minutes and we are leaving without him." Hank said setting down his now empty mug and grabbing his jacket.

"Don't get your panties in a twist I'm ready." Jay said walking past them all with a smirk and walking out the door towards the truck.

* * *

 _Short filler chapter. Will update again soon!-AJ_


	37. Chapter 37

I suck at updating and it is because I couldn't decide on how to split this up into chapters soooo... here it is, all 5000 words worth. Please be kind-and I will try to update soon!

Please _leave me your comments!_

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" _Your boyfriend has two minutes and we are leaving without him." Hank said setting down his now empty mug and grabbing his jacket._

 _"Don't get your panties in a twist I'm ready." Jay said walking past them all with a smirk and walking out the door towards the truck._

Not two minutes after arriving at the station Hand got a call that Kelly Severide was a part of a hit and run and to take over the case, "Lindsay with me." He said walking out of his office, "Severides car was involved in a hit and run. Halstead, Ruzek go to Med. Al you take Atwater and go to the scene." He said handing a sticky note with the address to Al.

In the car with Hank, Erin looks down at her hands, "Saw Kelly at Mollys last night...he seemed okay...better than the last time I saw him anyway."

"Hit and run doesn't sound like him." Hank told her.

"Herman didn't think so either...but I guess he called out of his shift and they hadn't heard from him since a Clark guy told him the girl he donated his bone marrow to took a turn for the worse."

"Heard he did that...haven't talked to him much since his spiral after Shay was killed."

"You going to be okay with this case?"

"Yeah. Hopefully he will talk to me."

"Herman asked for us specifically...didn't know he had my cell."

"Between Gabi and Casey I am sure they all have it."

"You and Kelly...that going to mess with Halstead's head?"

"Shouldn't." Erin said, "Jay likes him...and you have never asked if going to Molly's...with Gabi messes with me."

"You gonna tell me how to get to his place?"

"Coulda just let me drive." Erin smirked before directing him there.

Erin and Hank both started banging on the door and just as Erin was about to go to the fire extinguisher they heard a muffled, "I'm coming" from inside. Seeing the looks on both of their faces when he opened the door he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Kelly what are you doing?" Erin asked, seeing him beat up and smelling of whiskey.

"What do you mean?" He asked still in a fog.

"Look, you better grab a jacket."

"You gotta come with us."

"I'm not going anywhere." He said, head pounding. "What is this? What is this all about?"

"Kelly, you can either come with us now or wait for some uniforms come down here and put you in cuffs." Hank told him.

"What happened? What did I do?" He asked Erin. She recognized the lost look in his eyes and really believed he didn't know.

"Erin take him there. I will have Halstead swing by and pick me up once he uniforms get here to do their search."

"Search? Search for what? What did I do?" Kelly asked fighting the tears in his eyes.

"Erin take him. Record him in the room. By the book."

"Come on Kell." She said grabbing a change of clothes for him from the bedroom before taking his arm and leading him out of his apartment.

Once they were in the truck Erin speed dialed Jay so they had an open line, risky, but this way if he said anything they could get the jump and figure out what happened. Kelly leaned his head back and covered his eyes with his hand, "After Jeff said they were stopping the chemo I just went to..."

"To drink it away? Yeah... I can smell that."

"I don't remember...Lindsay what did I do?"

"Your car was involved in an accident...51 was on scene. Herman called Hank."

"I've been home...was passed out on the couch when you..."

"How'd you got home?"

"I...I don't remember." He said trying to clear through the fog, "My car... other people...did someone get hurt?"

"Yeah...pretty bad I guess...Kelly please think hard. We have to go by the books on this one but...whatever happened...please talk to me."

"Truth Lindsay...I don't remember...my head though...I don't have bruising from the lap belt...I would remember crashing...my car...how bad is my car?"

"Your car Kelly? It's trashed. Herman didn't believe it either...which is why we've gotta go by the books. You have your keys?" He reached into his pocket and shook his head. "Do you need to go to med?"

"No...feel fine...except my head..." he said running his hand through his hair, "I don't fucking remember...classic Benny..."

"Kelly you aren't your Old Man."

"If I hurt these people...killed them? I couldn't just leave an accident...even if I was drunk it just isn't...but God...fuck...I really don't remember anything after walking out of the bar."

"Kelly..."

"I wish Shay was here..." he said leaning his head against the window and shielding his face from her.

Erin knew he didn't do it...his car was his baby...he was heart and soul a good guy. "You be honest with me, I will be honest with you...my unit has your back." She said reaching over and squeezing his arm.

"Need you." He whispered.

Erin pulled into the next lot she saw and parked, pulling him into her where his tears quickly soaked into her shoulder. "When this is all over you will talk to me...all of this...your self doubt...I've got your back, okay?"

"You are with Halstead now." He said pulling back.

"Let me make this clear... I can be your friend and be with Jay...and I've got my friends backs. You and I...we will get you through all of this. I promise."

"Shay was my..."

"May feel like you are alone since Shay was killed but I can guarantee you that everyone at 51 has your back."

"Yeah cuz I can go walk up to Herman or Mouch and cry into their shoulder. I am suppose to be a leader...their boss..."

"You've been there for Casey...and Boden. They would do anything for you."

Kelly just shook his head. "Just feel alone...like I am a waste of a human...that's why I wanted to help her...to actually do something for someone else for a change."

"You save people every time you go to work, how can you possibly think that you don't help others?"

When Kelly shrugged his shoulders and put his hand over his eyes again Erin pulled him back to her shoulder, "Since Shay...I just don't know how to...to function..." he cried into her shoulder. "If I left an accident...I just..."

When Jay pulled up to the scene Hank walked up to his car and could hear Severides hiccuping sobs over the speakers. "My end is muted. He didn't do it Sarge...whatever happened...we owe him."

"Where are they?" Hank asked climbing in.

"Pulled into a lot at mini mart a couple blocks from the station." Jay answered.

"Kelly I need you to breathe..." they heard her whisper to him. "There you go, relax for me...we've got you." A couple minutes later there was rustling over the speaker, "You good to go?" Erin asked.

"Need you." He said shakily.

"When we get to PD I have to go by the books. Video interviews written testimony..."

"Need you." They heard him whisper.

"We've got your back." Erin said and Jay and Hank saw her car begin to move on the gps.

Her phone clicked off as they pulled into the lot. "You okay with her working the case?"

"Don't think he would run...guys in love with his car." He shrugged.

"I think she is too close."

"She broke it off with him Hank...no different than me hanging out at Mollys when Gabi is there."

"I don't like it." Hank huffed, earning a snicker from Jay.

"You raised her."

"Ass."

When they walked in Erin was camped out outside of the room with her arms crossed. "Didn't ask for a lawyer?"

"Not yet."

"You okay with this?"

"Yeah. Kelly and I dated for a minute. Not a conflict in interest for me."

"Uh huh."

"And the only reason he hasn't asked for a lawyer is because he knows I'm going to be in on the interview."

Hank stared her down before sighing and nodding. "Get your interview."

Erin walked into the room and stood in front of Kelly. "Take me through last night."

As he spoke she didn't really listen to his story, she was focused on his body movements, expressions, emotion. A few words stuck out and she was able to prompt him when needed...she was in and out throughout the day and she saw him retreat into his shell with each visit.

The last time she saw him before he was moved to the jail she wanted to pull him into her arms but she couldn't...by the books. The only chance in hell they had was to go by the books.

Between Kelly being a murder suspect and Bunny telling her that her real father was in town she was frazzled, short and off her game. She knew she had to keep everyone at arms length or she would lose focus so it surprised her when Jay told her he was sorry and didn't realize she was that close to Kelly...then the words started pouring from her mouth. He was happy she was finally talking to him about what was going on, but at the same time he was beyond pissed at Bunny for messing with her again.

"Erin when Kelly gets let go...you should be the one to tell him...to take him home."

"I don't need to take him home."

"He needs you." Jay told her with a tight squeeze on her hand. "He needs someone who cares about him."

"I love you." She said with tears in her eyes, "Kelly and I are from the same mold."

"You need me I will be hanging out with the crew at Mollys."

"Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for understanding me." She told him.

Four hours later she was following Kelly into his apartment. "I don't need a babysitter." He mumbled sitting down on the couch. She slowly kicked her shoes off and made a detour to the kitchen grabbing two bottles of beer. Setting them both on the coffee table she plopped down next to him and turned wedging her toes under his thigh. "Thanks." He mumbled reaching forward and and taking a swig of the amber liquid before setting it back and sighing heavily as he leaned back into the cushion. He felt her eyes on him and as hard as he tried to hold it together a tear slid from his eye down his cheek.

When he felt her hand on his neck the dam broke and tears fell freely from his eyes, "You are not, nor will you ever be like your father." Erin said barely above a whisper. As the tears turned to sobs she pulled him into her and held his head into her neck. She gently tugged the short hair on the nape of his neck as she felt his tears soak into her shirt. He needed this. He needed it when Shay was killed, needed it when he got hurt, needed it when he sat alone at the bar...and he needed it when he was sitting in her interrogation room.

When his wracking stopped and his breathing evened out Erin pulled back so she could look at his face. When his eyes locked onto hers she leaned forward and kissed him softly on the forehead. "Promise me when you need a friend you will call me."

"Thank you for believing in me."

"You're one of the good ones Kell."

He gave her a sad smile and reached for the remote, turning on a home video of him and Shay, "Haven't been able to make it through." Erin nodded and pulled Kellys arm around her and leaned into him. "Didn't know she put this together...it just...I haven't been able to watch." He said as it sat on the title screen, a frozen image of their faces.

Erin took the remote from him, "If you need a break..." he nodded and leaned his head against hers as she pushed play. Erin could feel as he sucked in air hearing her voice. She felt his body shake and heard soft moans of pain as he finally was letting out some of his heartbreak.

Seeing the Kelly in the video, knowing the Kelly post Shay, she knew their bond was forever. A familial love, taken too soon. He had agreed to have a baby with her. They lived together. Worked together. Slept in the same bed together when things got rough. Erin sat still and silent as they watched until his grip on her got tighter.

She hit pause and curled her legs over his and wrapped her arms around him. He buried his face in her neck as he composed himself. A couple minutes later he nodded and she hit play gain but remained curled around him.

When it got to a clip of her whispering, holding a sleeping Kelly to her chest she felt him tense again, "Kelly, you lost someone in a fire today...a child...he was hiding behind a bed and ...well...with kids it is always hard...knowing someone with a heart as pure as yours, you never cease to amaze me. Don't you ever doubt yourself." She whispered in the video as his sleeping form let out a soft snore as he rolled himself over onto her with his face resting against hers. "If this doesn't work as proof that you are a snuggler I don't know what will." She said giving him a sideways kiss before the clip changed to one of them drunk on the couch joking back and forth.

When the video was over it went back to the image of their faces and Erin flipped off the tv. "I miss her." He admitted shakily.

"It's late." Erin whispered, pulling back slightly.

"Right...uh, yeah...you need to get back to Jay." He said jumping up from the couch and away from her.

She reached her hand up and grabbed his, "I'm not going anywhere. Just wondered if you wanted to get some sleep tonight."

"Can't sleep...not without...I...i can't sleep." He said pacing like a caged animal. She gave him a small smile and walked into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of his sweats and pulled off her tee reveiling a spaghetti strap tank and took them into the bathroom to change. She sent Jay a quick text that she was staying and as soon as he replied she stepped out. Kelly had traded his jeans for sweats, his shirt was on the floor and he was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands.

She walked over and shut off the overhead light leaving them in a soft glow of the light coming from the living room. "The dreams...reliving her dying...they go away and then come back...now with the bone marrow shit...she has a full life and now just because of a fucking blood test she can't have the surgery that will save her."

Erin walked around and crawled under the blankets of the queen size bed. He eventually laid down next to her, shoulder to shoulder and she reached her hand over and took his. "God I fucking miss her."

"You let her hold you when you needed it...I know I'm not her and I would never be able to come close to replacing her...but I'm here Kell...tonight you don't have to be alone." She said softly and he rolled over to face her and she reached her arm under his neck and pulled herself closer to him. Their positioning was very intimate but not at all sexual, he rest his head on her shoulder and tucked his leg over hers and she knew it was the same way he was laying in the clip with her. "You are safe." She whispered to him and instantly felt him relax into her.

With the arm she had under his neck she began gently scratching his back and he snuggled his face further into her neck. Feeling his ragged breathing she knew he was crying. She reached her other arm around him and held him tight against her and started singing, "there'll be days your heart don't wanna beat, you pray more than you breathe and you just wanna fall to pieces and nights, those two am calls where dreams become walls and you need to break? Break on me. Shatter like glass. Come apart in my hands. Take as long as it takes..."

She didn't even make it through half of the song before he had cried himself to sleep, another verse before she heard a soft snore escape him. With a soft moan he pushed himself into her and rolled so his legs were between hers and his arms were outstretched across the bed. She snickered slightly when a louder series of snores escaped him and he picked up his head and he dropped his face, mouth open onto her cheek. With him that relaxed on her she ran her fingers through his hair and traced the lines on his face. "Kelly?" She whispered.

A deep breathe and snore followed by a mumbled, "mmmmmhmmmm."

"You are not your father."

"Mmmmscaredshay..." he mumbled incoherently.

"Scared of what Baby?" Erin asked as she continued to trace her hands up and down his back. He picked up his head and with glazed eyes stared through her before he dropped his head back down, this time his mouth open on her chin and his neck at an uncomfortable angle pulling his left arm towards him and putting his hand on his face making his head drop onto her chest. "Scared of what Baby?" She asked again.

Kelly inhaled a shakey breath and moaned before relaxing back into her. "Shaydontdie." He mumbled tensing as he exhaled a snore, "ComebackShayneedyou." He said rocking up onto his knees and pushing his teeth and open mouth onto her collarbone. Erin could feel his tongue against her as he loudly cried into her.

"Kelly?" Erin said as she pulled back forcing him back into a laying position and he squeezed his arms tightly around her tucking his hands under her backside and pushing himself into her and flopping his head to her other shoulder. "Shay is gone Baby." Erin whispered.

"Don't leave me!" Kelly yelled as he sprung bolt upright and stood on the bed before crumpling into the fetal position at the foot of the bed, eyes wide open and tears streaming out.

Erin, heart breaking for him, crawled over to him and ran her fingers along the tear tracks until heralded and his eyes drifted closed. "Kelly?"

"Mmmmhmmm." He mumbled.

"Come back and lay down up here." She said taking his hand and giving it a tug.

He rolled onto his back and stretched his arms up over his head. "Erin?"

"Yeah Baby." She said, "Come here."

"I can't...every night...I close my eyes and see the beam fall on her..."

"Do you trust me?" Kelly nodded. "Come here." He crawled over to her. "Say goodbye to Shay."

"I can't."

"Kelly."

"How?" He said tears streaming down his face.

"She will always be in your heart." Erin told him as she pushed her hand against his chest. "Shay was killed. She isn't coming back."

"I need her." Kelly sobbed like a small child. "Shay I need you! Shay? Shay!" It made her stomach ache seeing him this broken.

"Baby look at me." She said taking his face in her hands. With hiccuping sobs he looked at her. "Kelly I need you to repeat after me okay?"

"Okay?"

"Shay."

"Shay."

"I loved you."

"I loved you."

"I will never forget you."

"I will..."

"Never forget you."

"Never forget you."

"I need to move forward."

"I need to move forward."

"Goodbye."

Kelly stared at Erin and she nodded again, "Bye Shay." He whispered falling into Erin's arms completely and utterly exhausted.

"I am here okay? I can stay as long as you need. If you have a rough day all you have to do is call."

"I am scared."

"And that is okay." She told him hugging him tight.

"You will stay tonight?"

"All night."

"I can really call if..."

"Yes." She answered as he rolled onto his back.

"Sorry I'm so...uh...attached." He said staring up at the ceiling.

Erin rolled over and put her head on his chest. "Nadia...she believed in touch...most people shy away from physical affection except with husbands wives or like kids but she...she would give you a hug first think in the morning...before bed...she would grab your hand...even if it was just for a second...skin touching skin...for something other than sex. Was weird as fuck when I first met her...but after she was gone...our unit...my family...we freaking have slumber parties after a rough case... hell Hank held Jay the other night when a case hit too close...Jay saved Hank from shooting himself in the damn head...before Justin was killed...and after..."

"Shay did that...would crawl into my bed...Gabi has tried...tried to hug me...when she catches me staring at the photo in the hall...just hurts so bad that it's not her...it will never be her..." he said taking a shakey breath in.

"Losing your best friend sucks."Erin told him, "But you can't just stop letting people in."

"Shay and I... she was my family. We were going to have a baby together...be a real family. Feels like if I start to think about her or cry that I won't be able to stop."

"You were a real family. It is okay for you to miss her...and be open about when something makes her come to the forefront of your thoughts...talk about her...share her memory with other people who also miss her." Erin yawned and closed her eyes.

"Think you and Shay would have gotten along really well." Kelly said pulling his arm around Erin.

"Goodnight Friend."

Erin woke up with the sun streaming through the open shades, Kelly still dead to the world. She slowly crawled out of bed and grabbed her phone from the side table before making her way out of the bedroom. Hitting speed dial she called Jay, who of course answered on the first ring. "I am going to take him up to the cemetery today. Can you get ahold of Antonio and Gabi and have them meet us there around noon? Maybe Casey or Boden?"

"Herman is the one who called Hank. Think he should be there too."

"He has been hurting for so long."

"Ruzek or Dawson?"

"Combo. They were family...were trying to have a baby together."

"Thought she liked chicks."

"She did."

"Then why...?"

"Family...they both needed family...and anyway can you just get ahold of them?" She is buried right by Nadia. Thought if he could see us..."

"Being a family he would see his family at 51. You are a good friend Er."

"Love you."

"See you at noon."

After she hung up the phone she wandered around his apartment, looking into a cabinet she found a box labeled Shay and she pulled it out. It was filled with framed photos of the two of them, their friends at 51, and a bunch of cds with different labels for different parties or events. She popped in a cd labeled 'My Lifesaver' into the DVD player and let the apartment be filled with song. It didn't take too long before Kelly's haggered figure appeared in the doorway and Erin walked over to him and put her arms around his neck, "Dance with me." The song playing was Joey McIntire's song Just the Way You Are.

When it ended he pulled back with tears in his eyes, "She made this cd after I found her on the bridge..." Erin led him over to the couch and turned down the volume slightly, "Wasn't too long after that we started talking about being a family...the day she died...we were so mad at each other...right before that fire though...we were good. Then she was gone."

"Did you see it hit her?"

"No...but I heard Gabi scream...tried CPR...they had to pull us off her..."

"We are going to go to the cemetery."

"No."

"Do you trust me?"

"Lindsay." He whispered resigned.

"Do you trust me?"

"I haven't gone since the funeral."

It took a little coaxing but a half hour later they were pulling through the gate. Erin parked her car at the base of the hill. Nadia was up to the left...Shay to the right. She went around to the other side of the truck and she took his hand and led him up the hill, She said a quick hello to Nadia, kissing her hand and resting it on the stone before turning and walking over to Shay.

"Hi Shay, I know we barely knew each other but I think we can both agree we at least have this guy in common. He has been struggling since you've been gone...and I'm sorry I haven't been able to help him like a friend should...but you are his family. That isn't something replaceable. Please help him to feel your presence...to see that he will always have you with him." Erin said her head facing the stone, her eye on Kelly's reaction. "Kelly can be dumb sometimes...you know he actually thinks he is like his old man? He is having a hard time listening to me when I tell him that though...thinks he should forever be lonely...that he doesn't deserve his family."

When Kelly dropped to his knees she got down on the grass with him putting her hand on his shoulder, "Shay this guy is so strong...too strong...too stubborn. Help me to take some of his pain away." Seeing the tears stream down his face she pulled him into her. Smiling sadly when she saw a caravan of cars pull up behind hers. Gabi and Casey walked up the hill first, seeing Kelly in a crumpled ball the tears began streaming down her face as she crouched down surrounding them. Casey sat down next to her, both reaching a hand over to Kelly's back.

Herman and Boden were close behind, followed by Jay and Antonio. "Sorry we havent been out her in a while...and sorry for slacking on this guy...we knew he wasn't okay...but he is so darn stubborn...you were the heart of our family...from the first day you came into the station." Herman said with tears in his eyes as he kissed Kelly's head over Erin's shoulder as he buried his face in her neck "Family needs to stick together."

Erin felt Kelly stiffen with each hand on him as he tried to control his breathing...and his tears. She pulled away slightly and he reached his arm around her holding her tight to him. "You don't need to hide from your family" she whispered, holding his head to her shoulder.

She gave him a couple more minutes to hide in her shoulder before nudging him. This time he slowly rolled so he was on his back in the grass, his head on her thigh. "Sev we may be at PD but we are all a family...goes for all of you...you need anything... Er is the best of us but we all have your back." Jay said sitting down behind Erin. "This hill...we've all got family here... Shay, Nadia...Voights family...my mom...spend a lot of time up here."

Kelly looked up at Erin, "I'm..." he whispered, eyes filling with tears. Erin looked around seeing pretty much everyone crying or at least with tears in their eyes. She saw Stella start to say something before sinking down into the grass next to Otis.

"It is hard to let people in." Erin quietly said to Kelly. When the rest of her unit arrived they started to congregate at Nadia's grave, Jay and Antonio being the last to step away.

When the rest of the crew from 51 arrived Kelly draped his arm over his head. "Sev, it is okay to let them see you struggle...makes you seem human." Casey told him.

He nodded slightly but didn't move his arm. Erin put a hand over the arm he had draped on his belly and ran her other hand through his hair. As the sun shifted in the sky people slowly retreated to Mollys. Jay nodded at Erin before walking down the hill with Antonio, Boden and Hank leaving only Casey and Gabi at Shays grave.

"How are you doing Kelly?" Gabi asked trying to tug His arm from his face. "We miss her too, you know?"

Hearing her voice as she cried he dropped his arm down, revealing tear stains from his eyes. "You...I...don't know how to live without her...you...how do you?" He struggled.

She didn't have an answer, not one she felt would help him anyway. Erin lifted him up so his head rest on her shoulder and she could wrap his arms around him. "We stick together when times get hard...we find a way too let someone in."

He nodded and shifted slightly so his face was against her arm. "Miss her." He sighed as he closed his eyes. Erin ghosted her fingers up and down his arm as his head dipped as he slipped into an uneasy sleep.

"Should he take furlough?" Casey asked, seeing his lips part in slumber.

"He needs a purpose...that is the only thing keeping him going." She said letting his head slide so it rest on her thigh.

"I didn't know he was so..." Casey mumbled.

"Don't think he realized either." Erin said, barely above a whisper.

"Should we get him home?" Gabi asked putting her hand on Kelly leg causing him to reel as if in pain.

He flipped over and grabbed into Erin as if she was his lifeline. "Need you." He cried as he gripped onto her shirt.

"Right here Baby." She whispered into his ear, rocking him side to side trying to get him to relax. Erin looked at the other two and saw Casey pull Gabi into him as she sobbed. "Where were you just now?"

"Warehouse...they uhhh...when they pulled me off..." he whispered shakily and she heard Casey and Gabi both suck in their breath.

"Where you were last night?" Kelly nodded. "We are with Shay right now." Erin said hugging him into her.

"Shay..."

"You need to let her go...that last moment...you've got to let go."

"Kelly?" Gabi reached out and put her hand on him again, Erin felt him tense but he didn't move. "She wants you to be happy."

"I...Erin can we...?"

"Yeah, we can go."

Casey nodded and squeezed Gabi's shoulder, "We will be at Mollys if you want to join."

The four stood up, Kelly somewhat unsteady and she put her arm around his back, Casey did the same and helped him down the hill to her awaiting truck. "Where too?" She asked once they were alone in the truck.

He leaned his head back on the seat and sighed, "Can you just drive?"

Erin smiled and reached over and took his hand. "Drive it is."


	38. Chapter 38

Please _leave me your comments!_

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He leaned his head back on the seat and sighed, "Can you just drive?"

Erin smiled and reached over and took his hand. "Drive it is."

They didn't even make it out of the cemetery before he fell asleep and Erin sent Jay a text that they were going to the cabin, asking him to drop some supplies off for them when he could break away without it being obvious. She felt like she didn't deserve him, she knew she would end up hurting him someday...but at the same time she needed him more than life itself. Jay kept in closer contact with Teddy than she did, saved Voight from himself more than once...and he trusted her enough that he was going to bring supplies to her so she could stay at his isolated cabin with another man.

He understood her need to be there for Kelly. Jay understood the pain that the other man was in and knew that at that particular moment in time she was the only one who could get through. When Jay walked up to Casey at Mollys a few hours later asking for a key to the apartment Casey handed it to him no questions asked. He did get questions from Stella when she cornered him in the parking lot though. So many that Jay had her get in the car with him.

"Let me get this straight...you got keys to your girlfriends exboyfriends apartment from the husband of your exgirlfriend so you can bring clothes and food to them while they stay at your families cabin?" She practically yelled as he pulled out of the parking lot.

"I got the keys to Kelly's apartment from Casey so I can get him clothes so he can stay at my cabin...like he did right after Shay died. Erin, Casey and I took turns running out there then and I am doing the same thing now."

"What the hell are you helping him for?"

"It is important to Erin."

"They slept together you know."

"And you clearly know Gabi and I had a relationship too. What difference does it make?" Jay smirked at her, knowing that she was jealous that she wasnt the one who was able to help him. "Kelly helped me when I needed to get Erin back."

"So you guys are just all buddies even though you have all basically slept together?"

"Friends...friends help either other without question. If Kelly needed me to hold him...I'd do it...we are all family and someday you will get that."

"I heard rumors that you guys at PD all had slumber parties..."

"Stop making that sound dirty." Jay said as he parked his car in front of Kelly's. Stella followed him in silently as Jay went to the closet and pulled out his duffel and watched in awe as he knew which drawers to pull different things out of. She followed him into the bathroom where he went into the cupboard and grabbed his prescription before walking into the living room and pulling the DVD that Shay had made off the shelf.

"I didn't know he was on meds." Stella said quietly as Jay pulled back onto the road heading for Erin's apartment.

She followed him in there too, pausing to look at the photos placed around, looking questioningly into Nadia's room, "We've all been through a lot together and we all deal with things differently. Each of us have different people we can go to for different things."

"No judgements?"

"Hank, Antonio and Ruzek have all held me when I have cried."

"What do you mean held you?"

"Snot dripping down my nose, hyperventilating seriously ugly crying and they hold me...like a parent holds a kid...like Erin was holding Kelly earlier."

"Not sexual?"

"If you couldn't picture living five seconds into the future without your heart ripping from your chest would you be able to think about sex?"

"Who are Kelly's people?"

"Erin, Casey, Herman and Boden."

"And you."

"Used to be Shay, Darden and Casey."

"Who are your people?"

"Erin, Hank, Antonio and Ruzek."

"Who are Erin's?"

"Hank, me and Kelly."

"She helps everyone but doesn't let them help her?"

"She does...is more open now...we have all seen each other cry...we've all held each other...we are family."

"So her going away with Kelly..."

"He needs it...and she needs to help him."

"And you, Hank and Casey...you all serve as backup?"

"When we get there we are just bringing the bags in and leaving again."

"You aren't even going to say hi?"

"If they aren't out then no."

"And you just leave?"

"Yeah. Erin will ask for help when she needs it. She knows how to handle Kelly."

"We shouldn't just leave them."

"Have you talked to him about Shay before?"

"No."

"Then unless he asks you to stay we are leaving."

When they got there Jay saw them standing on the edge of the wood, Erin nodded acknowledgement but didn't move. He went to the back and pulled out both of the duffels and the small grocery bag before bringing it inside the cabin, Stella following silently behind. She watched as he walked around the cabin checking different cabinets, the bedroom and the water in the bathroom. Once he was satisfied the cabin was okay for her he nodded towards Stella before walking out the door.

"We are not seriously just leaving them?" She asked with tears in her eyes.

Jay looked over at Erin who was standing there watching them over her shoulder and he shrugged. He saw her say something to Kelly and he stiffened and walked towards the water. Erin looked back and shrugged. "She will update me later." He said quietly before getting into the car.

Erin watched as Stella got into the car and Jay pulled away. "She cares about you." She said when she caught up to him on the edoe of the woods.

"She wants what I can't give."

"Why?"

"Shay is my family. Now she is gone. Benny...I have a sister and little brothers and I can't help them...I just...I went to vegas and got married for fucks sake." He said punching a tree.

Erin walked over and took his now bloody hand quickly looking it over, "Feel better?"

"No!" He yelled, "Everything I do is wrong!"

Erin walked away from him and stood by the bank, every few seconds she picked up a rock and flicked it into the lake. She could see Kelly pacing back and forth, pulling his hair, clenching his fists. It took about a half hour before he walked over next to her. "Pick up a rock." She told him, "Think about one of the things making you freak out and toss it in the lake."

"Benny." He said flinging a boulder. "My Mom." He said skipping a flat rock. "51." He said barely tossing a stone. "Shay." He said twirling a small rock in his fingers.

"Shays memory should not be a burden." Erin whispered taking the rock from his hand. "Shay will always be in your heart but her death...you need to let that go." She said holding it up before setting it back in his hand.

He looked back and forth between Erin and the rock and she watched the tears form and spill from his eyes. She tried to give him space as he processed his thoughts and after a few minutes she put her hand on his shoulder. She could feel him tremble as he reached his arm back and sent the rock flying and she quickly enveloped him in a tight hug.

"She will always be in your heart." Erin promised as she could feel the tears soak through her shirt as he clung to her. As she felt him lean heavier onto her she led him back to the cabin where she had him sit on the bed as she took off his boots.

By the time she had taken off his jacket he was asleep sitting up. "Kelly where are you right now?" She asked gently, sitting on the bed behind him holding most of his weight.

"Cabin." He mumbled as his head dipped back against her shoulder.

"Yeah. Can you lay down with your head on the pillow?" When she got a small nod she helped pull him up and lay him down.

"No pillow...you." He said as tears fell from his now half open eyes.

She kicked off her shoes and laid down on the bed and snuggled into her side. "What do you feel now?" Erin asked him as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Safe." He said opening his eyes and looking at her. "Thank you."

"You go back on shift tomorrow." She reminded him, "You ready for that?"

"51 is safe. Home is where it gets hard."

"Will you call?"

"Is it okay to?"

"Always." She said looking into his eyes and once again she saw his eyes fill with tears. She rolled to face him and held him tight to her, "I've got you." She said kissing the top of his head. She felt him nod as he let out a shakey breath into her neck. "Kelly I've got you." She whispered again, "Breathe when I do." She told him. "Listen to my heartbeat."

With how exhausted he was it did not take long before he had fallen asleep and she pulled out her phone and dialed Jay. "We will be back around lunch tomorrow." Erin told him when he answered.

"That's quick." Jay responded. "Voight said we will be catching up on paperwork."

"Stella came with you today."

"Saw me get the key from Casey."

"So you decided to bring her with you?" Erin asked as Kelly let out a sharp snore.

"Not my best idea." He said with a smirk having heard the snore.

"Glad she didn't run towards him." Erin said with a couple grunts as Kelly shifted his weight as his leg slid over, now between hers.

"Would not have picked him for a snuggler." Jay laughed hearring another snore as he shifted his weight again flopping his head so his forehead was propped at an awkward angle against her cheek.

"Is Stella okay?" She asked, lifting her chin making his head slide down her cheek leaving a drool trail as it slid.

"She thinks it's weird how close we all are."

"How are you doing?"

"Practiced skipping rocks today."

"You getting any better?"

"Got a few good ones." She told him as she wiggled a little to get Kelly at a slightly more comfortable angle. "How was everyone at Molly's?"

"Gabi was still crying when I left. Was going to text Casey in a bit."

"It's getting pretty late."

"Call if you need anything." Jay said hearing soft moaning from Kelly and a few grunts from Erin.

"Have coffee tomorrow." Erin answered as Kelly flopped himself again, tightening his hold on her with his face in her neck his legs were now up under him.

"You got it Er. Good luck tonight." He said hanging up the phone. She dropped the phone onto the mattress and wrapped her hands around his face gently lifting his head.

When she looked into his eyes she saw raged panic, "Kelly focus on my eyes." She whispered, trying to gently wake him. It took a few seconds for him to blink and when he did his eyes immediately filled with tears, "I've got you." She whispered again as she moved them both back where they were face to face.

"How did I get so fucked up?"

"Being too tired for too long...feeling alone...not sleeping...pushing everyone away...you are a good man." She told him, "you are a good man."

"I want to save her...I tried to...but Jeff said her body can't handle the transplant." He said weakly.

"You need to sleep."

"Erin I...will I ever feel good again?" He said reaching into his pocket for his vibrating phone. She saw Hermans name on the screen before he set it down on the bed. "I don't want to feel the way I do about myself."

"You will get there. Someday you will see the guy I see." Erin told him as she wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled into his chest. "I've missed you." She told him as she closed her eyes.

"Will you be here when I wake up?" He asked pulling himself even closer to her.

"Mmmhmm." She answered as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The next time his eyes opened the sun was streaming in the window and Erin was asleep with her head on his chest. He had managed to sleep several hours without waking up.

"You ready to head back to the city?" Erin asked waking up a couple minutes later.

"Will you come if I...?"

"I will come by after shift and chill for a bit." Erin smiled at him.

Erin strolled into the pen at exactly noon and sat down at her desk. She felt everyone's eyes on her and watched as Jay walked from the break room towards her desk with a steaming cup of coffee. "Hank wants you in his office." Jay said nodding to the closed door.

She took the coffe with an eye roll and stood up and walked into the office without knocking. "His head in the right place to be on shift?"

"Where he is surrounded by family and has a purpose...yeah."

"This transplant girl?"

"Not strong enough. Cancer sucks." Erin answered giving Hank a look. "I'm going to the firehouse after shift."

"Halstead know?"

"Was going to bring him with me."

"Unless we pickup a case you are catching up on paperwork."

"Riviting."

"Do you have any idea how far behind we are on stuff? Ruzek is testifying in court next week and hasn't done his final report for the damn lawyers yet."

"Got it. For those of us who are caught up we get to help our younger siblings."

"Lindsay."

"Love you too Dad." Erin smirked before walking out of his office. She already knew everything he had to say and that he really just wanted to check in and see how she was doing.

The day, despite being stuck at the desk went by relatively quickly. A little after four she got a text from Capp, 'Fieldtrip to Med. Anna refused to see him. Back at 51 now.'

"Halstead with me." Erin said standing up and quickly grabbing her coat and throwing it over her shoulder.

"New case?" Ruzek asked as they were walking out.

"Shut up and work." Jay yelled behind him. "What happened to Kelly?" He asked when they got onto the road.

"He couldn't see her." She shrugged. "Figured if Capp was texting and not him..."

"So I am just there to entertain the smoke junkies?" He smirked

"You can listen to Ruzek complain some more if you would rather."

Walking up to 51 they saw Tony, Capp and Cruz sitting around the squad table and she raised an eyebrow, "In his office with Casey." Capp said, "Halstead you in on the next hand?"

Leaving Jay with the guys she went in and upstairs where she found Stella pacing in the hall. "Why does he care so much about this chick?"

"More about himself than her." Erin said, "What happened?"

"When they got back he was like a totally different person...walking in and into Casey's office he didn't even look up...didn't say anything...just hands in his pocket...I don't like it."

"Fairly certain he doesn't either." Erin monotoned as she walked into the bunk room headed for the small room for their office.

She stuck her head into his and didn't find him so she went next door to Casey's and let herself in. Casey was sitting in his chair spun around, he nodded to her to come in and she closed the door behind her and knelt down on the floor in front of Kelly.

"Kell...?"

"They wouldn't let me in to see her."

"And that made you feel..."

"Panic."

"So you found somewhere you felt safe...with someone you trust..."

"If she dies...I can save her...but...I was ready to save her..."

"Her doctors..."

"Jeff said if she doesn't get my bone marrow she will die...then he said she wasn't strong enough to get it...which means she will die...so why won't they let her try?" He asked with tears in his eyes.

Erin put her hand on his knee and moved to sit next to him. "Cancer sucks." She felt Casey's eyes on them as she watched the tears fall from Kelly eyes and she put her arm around his back and he curled down with his head on her lap. He pulled her hand and held it to his chest like a security blanket as she used her other hand to run her fingers through his hair.

"I wish Shay was still here." Kelly said barely above a whisper as a fresh wave of grief washed over him. She scooted back so she was leaning against the wall and pulled him into her so his back was now toward Casey; his left arm wrapped around her back and his head wedged between her knee and her chest, his knees drawn up and curled around her.

"Shay will always be here...in your heart...in the hearts of those of you who knew her...that is why 51 is safe Kelly...51 is Shay." Erin said as she watched Casey wipe the tears from his own eyes.

"I just want to be good." He whispered into her chest.

"You are not like Benny." Erin reminded him as she pulled him even closer, resting her cheek on his forehead. Looking again at Casey, seeing the tears slide down his cheeks.

"You are one of the best guys a know." Matt told him as he slid his chair closer to rest a hand on Kelly's shoulder, "You are a good man."

Erin put her hand on Matt's and squeezed it, "What you do everyday...what you see...the dark sides of Chicago...it takes a good person...and it is okay to let the other good guys see you hurting...chances are at some point they will be hurting too...you guys at 51 are a family...first responders are a family. You have each other's backs...you two carry the weight of everyone in your house...but you forget everyone in your house can help you carry the load."

Casey slowly nodded and pulled his hand back to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Do you know who sent me a text this afternoon? Who told me you couldn't see her? Capp did. Do you know who called me when your car was found? That was Herman. Do you know who is downstairs with your guys now? Well that is Halstead. We've all got your back. That goes for you too Casey...after you and Gabi lost the baby...Herman was right there..."

Casey let out a sob at the mention of the child that had been miscarried and Erin motioned him to move over to the bed and he leaned against her shoulder as she wrapped her arm around him. "We all try and hold everything in but at some point we can't hold anymore and that is okay." Erin felt both of the men nod. When Casey started to pull away she pulled him back, "Here for you too Matty." She whispered and quickly felt him settle into her side.

"All of our childhoods sucked...had to learn young to get by on our own...but I swear to you guys...it is okay to be a little bit broken." Erin felt Kelly squeeze onto her and Matt melted into her side. "Matty you can turn so it is more comfortable you know."

He moved around so he was curled into the wall, his head half leaning on her shoulder and half on the top of Kelly's head and she weaved her arm so it was like a seatbelt across his chest. "Relax now, deep breaths...whatever you are holding inside...just let it go.

"You know when my mom killed my dad...right in front of me...that night was the worst but you...until my sister...and then...my fiancé...Voight got her killed...well...he didn't stop it...and then Andy...and Shay...I just..." Matt said, his voice breaking.

"You can't stop the Earth from spinning...life sucks sometimes...choices...all you can do is find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other."

"Once a foster kid always a foster kid...right?" Kelly asked.

"Doesn't matter if it was for a night, a month...or years...we stick together." Erin answered. She knew...Matt was brought into the group home she was in the night it happened. She held him that night and he was sent out the next morning. It wasn't until the mess with Hank that she even realized the Matty she remembered was the same person.

"You called me Matty." Casey whispered before grabbing her arm with a death grip shaking as he let the emotion wash over him.

Erin didn't say anything, she just held both lieutenants tight against her. She felt as their breathing evened, as their heads and bodies relaxed further into her. She looked up as she felt the rush of air from the door being swung open to find Chief Bowden standing over completely speechless.

"Divert all calls for the next hour." He finally said into his radio as he sat down in Casey's chair eying his men. "I knew Severide was having a rough time but..."

"Matty was brought to the group home I was in the night his father was killed...Kelly came to him...I got a text from Capp I should come down. Some of us suck at emotional anything until it..."

"Until it leads to both of my lieutenants being held by our neighborhood friendly detective." Bowden gave a sad smile.

"They are good guys."

"Dawson is going to want to know what is going on, she has been outside pacing with a few of them."

"You can tell her or you can have her come in herself. Not exactly entertaining to be a pillow, Chief...but these two...they need to sleep."

He nodded and stood up. She could hear him yell at those who were hovering in the hall to mind their own business and she couldn't help but chuckle. The firehouse was no different than pd.

A few seconds later Gabi walked into Casey's office with a very confused look on her face as she sat down speechless in her husbands chair. Erin didn't move from her position, one arm around each lieutenant as they slept.

After staring for nearly a half hour Gabi finally whispered, "Matt hardly even lets me comfort him after a bad day...he has tear stains on his face and he is sleeping snuggled into your side."

"Kelly came to him today...once I got him talking...it was hard for Matt to see..."

"I know there is more to the story than that but...how did you get him to voluntarily do anything more than a quick hug before shutting off...you got him to talk..."

"Did you know he spent a night in a group home...when his dad was killed?" Erin interrupted.

"Knew he was in the system...he knew a lot when we had Louie...always seemed to know what to say to him."

"When they brought him in...he didn't even have a change of clothes...a cop just dropped him off...and the home...well they didn't care how we were doing...just that they got paid for being open." Erin took a deep breath and held a little tighter to Matt as she spoke noticing the subtle change in his breathing. "There were about 15 of us there...girls had a big room full of bunk beds, boys had the same. Big living space with a few couches and a tv and some tables for homework...but pretty much no one paid any attention to what people were doing as long as it was quiet. When the police officer left Matty he just stood in the doorway...didn't move...didn't talk when the folks tried to talk to him...after like a half hour hearing some of the others laugh at him I got up and went over..."

Gabi saw as Matt woke up and clung to Erin, it hurt that it wasn't to her but she was thankful that her husband was letting them in at all.

Feeling a fresh batch of tears fall onto her arm she pulled her arm away from Kelly...who was also awake and listening and began running her fingers through Matt's hair. "I put my arm on his shoulder and led him over to the couch where he sat down next to me. He didn't move or speak but I heard the caretakers say his name...and what happened...after most everyone went to bed. Once they went back to their office and it was just us sitting in front of the tv I put my arm around him and he curled himself around me kinda like he is now."

Gabi had tears in her eyes as she listened to Erin's recollection of the worst night of her husbands life. The part of his life he never spoke about...ever...to anyone.

"Matty I promised you that you will find a way to get through it...he held onto me like he...well like he is now...I just kept telling him he would get through...that he was safe for the night...I held him as he fell asleep. When I tried to move to go to bed he started to cry again so I just stayed on the couch holding him all night."

"Thank you." Gabi whispered as she put her hand on Matt's back.

"I didn't realize he was the same kid until Voight got him into the mess...and he never said anything so I didn't say anything...but today I called him Matty..."Erin finished.

"No one has called me Matty except you...". Matt said with a gravely voice.

"The two of you." Erin said squeezing her arms into both men, "are stronger than most of the people I know. We just have to remember it is Okay to let other people in when we are hurting."

Gabi sat silently watching their interaction. Watched as her husband closed his eyes and relaxed back into Erin quickly falling asleep, Kelly soon thereafter. "They don't get much sleep...when they are here they watch over the rest of you...when they are home they still think they should be here...They work until they crash and then go again. I did the same thing until a couple years ago. Growing up how I did...how we did...with dysfunctional parents...we couldn't ever really relax...unless there was another one of us keeping watch. Keeping us safe."

"He went to live with his family though...his sister..."

"He was in the system until his family was cleared...that takes a while. And he has had issues since with his mom..."

"And issues with his dad even before all of that..." Kelly said barely above a whisper.

"How did I not put it all together? Shit... I don't know him at all and he is my husband." Gabi mumbled. "He is always there for me but I...I didn't realize I needed to be there for him.

"Doubt he will let himself be this vulnerable for a long time...after Hallie died...that's when he told me...even then...he didn't...told me on the roof as we shared a cigar." Kelly said scooting so he was sitting up, "Erin...something about her...makes us spill our guts."

Erin saw him check his watch and saw a few hours had passed. "You good Kell?"

"Boden took us offline for a few hours... has the guys deep cleaning the rigs...like everything taken out deep cleaned."

"What is Jay doing?" Erin asked.

"He was talking to Stella and Boden in Bodens office." Gabi shrugged standing up. "Erin...thank you. He clearly needed this...and thank you for taking care of him back when..."

"You guys need to step up and be in the lead for the rough stuff...when we lost Nadia...Our team...we really do have slumber parties... crying... hugging... holding... physical touch... we all need it. Helps turn your team into a family."

Gabi nodded and left with a sad smile leaving Erin alone with the two. "You might as well lay back down and get some more sleep Kell...He is out out." She said as Matt's head slid back at an uncomfortable angle and a small snore escaped his throat.

"Do your wiggle thing and make him comfortable then I will lay down...not tired though."

"Wiggle thing?" Erin snickered.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Erin bent her knee and weaved her arm under Casey's side and lifted him up pulling him across her body. Matt wrapped his arm around her waist as his head settled on her shoulder. Erin held his body to her by bending her knee and ran her fingers through his hair as his breathing slowed and he slipped back into a deep sleep.

"You want me to go check on Jay?" Kelly asked.

"Need a break?" Erin asked reaching out and squeezing his hand.

"He needs you right now...I need you to make him okay." He said standing up.

"Go kick Jays ass at poker." Erin smiled.


	39. Chapter 39

Please _leave me your comments!_

* * *

 _Gabi nodded and left with a sad smile leaving Erin alone with the two. "You might as well lay back down and get some more sleep Kell...He is out out." She said as Matt's head slid back at an uncomfortable angle and a small snore escaped his throat._

 _"Do your wiggle thing and make him comfortable then I will lay down...not tired though."_

 _"Wiggle thing?" Erin snickered._

 _"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."_

 _Erin bent her knee and weaved her arm under Casey's side and lifted him up pulling him across her body. Matt wrapped his arm around her waist as his head settled on her shoulder. Erin held his body to her by bending her knee and ran her fingers through his hair as his breathing slowed and he slipped back into a deep sleep._

 _"You want me to go check on Jay?" Kelly asked._

 _"Need a break?" Erin asked reaching out and squeezing his hand._

 _"He needs you right now...I need you to make him okay." He said standing up._

 _"Go kick Jays ass at poker." Erin smiled._

Kelly walked down where he saw Stella camped out in the hall. "I'm fine Kidd." He snapped as he kept walking.

"Why can't you talk to me?"

"Nothing to talk about."

"Right. So Erin was here for what?"

"Erin is still here...with Casey."

"She came for you."

"I'm not some dumb kid...I don't need a damn babysitter or someone to pity me. If you want to be my friend then be my damn friend. Know me enough to know that...for now though just get the hell out of my way so I can hang out with Jay." He growled pushing past her.

When he got to the floor Jay was making himself comfortable in his seat and the guys around him all looked scared for him as he walked closer. "Deal me in." He said sitting down next to the detective. Jay did, and didn't ask what took so long...or where Erin was...somehow he just knew.

The conversation was light, fun...but Kelly knew Squad wanted to know where he disappeared to earlier. "Some calls are harder than others...remind you of...of things you wish you could forget." He said.

When no one else at the squad table said anything Jay did, "After a rough one for us our unit will stay at our place...or at Hanks...well, those of us who want to anyway."

"You actually stay at Voights?" Capp asked, shocked.

"Guy is human...spent quite a bit of time after Nadia...and then Justin...when one of the team have a rough day we will bring them home with us, make sure they are okay...that they eat."

"We usually just go to Molly's...get slammed..." Cruz said crossing his arms.

"After your Brother had to be moved...I saw the guys looking out for you." Jay said.

"Not really...I mean...sure they make sure I get home safe but...emotion...talking...not really."

"That's going to change." Kelly said looking around. "Capp you called Erin...why?"

"At the cemetery she held you...seemed like it helped then and when you came back...just seemed like you needed it again."

"Erin did help...and is helping Casey...but we can be there for each other too. I went up to Casey's office...I didn't want to burden you but didn't want to be alone..."

"You saying you want us to hold you the next time you look...well the next time we get a bad call?" Capp asked.

"Yes." Kelly answered, "If a Call hits me hard I would like someone to come up and give me a hug."

"Lieutenant going soft over here." Gabi said walking over behind Kelly and wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek.

Kelly put his hand over hers and locked them in place. "Know it seems weird guys but really...who else outside this house...outside of responders...no one else gets it."

"Thanks Sev." Otis said clapping Cruz on the shoulder.

Herman walked over and put his hands on Jay's shoulders, "This guy...and Lindsay...they are bringing a change to Chicago."

"They certainly have helped Tonio." Gabi said smiling at Jay.

"He's my Brother." Jay said shrugging. "We fight like brothers too." He chuckled.

"Who wants in?" Kelly asked Taking the deck from Jay. This time the game was joined by members of truck even though it was at Squads table.

Meanwhile Erin was upstairs holding Casey as he slept, unlike Kelly when he was out he was out and didn't move a muscle. Erin turned on Netflix on her phone as she laid there. About the third episode of Friends in Casey started to stir. "I got you." She whispered.

"Just need a minute." He whispered back.

"Not going anywhere Matty." She told him as she tightened her arm across his chest.

She felt him relax back into her and she clicked her phone off and set it down, running her fingers through his fine blonde hair. "I've never talked about that night...or the thirteen weeks after..."

"You don't need to if you don't want...what it was like...where you were...it all helped to shape who you are today."

"That first night was the only night I felt safe." He whispered, tilting his head to look at her.

Seeing the tears fill his eyes her heart ached and she pulled him around to wrap him in a huge hug. Holding his head into her neck she ran her hand up and down his back as he gripped his hands into the hoody she was wearing. "You feel safe now?"

"With you? Yeah... in general though...no...any noise...before that night it was always...is Dad coming...after it was...did I do something wrong or who has it out for me...". He said into her shoulder.

"Kelly knew you were in the system."

"We were in the same house...few months...when his mom was...until Benny came back."

"Do you feel safe with Gabi?"

"Not like this." He answered after a minute. "I love her but...she doesn't know that part of me."

"It was okay for me to tell her about that night."

"She gets...she needed to know why."

"Matty...What happened, what you went through...none of that was your fault." She felt him nod his head and he loosened his grip on her back. "If you don't let her in you aren't giving her a chance."

"What if I lose her too?"

"Then you have me and Kelly to pick you back up again."

"Will you always..."

"No matter where I end up I will always make sure you have a way to get ahold of me."

"Think we should order some pizzas for tonight?" Matt said sitting up.

"Go for it Matty." Erin smiled putting her arm around his shoulders for one last squeeze. "I am thankful for today." She saw his eyes begin to fill with tears again and made him turn to look at her. "You are going to get through." She said wiping the lone tear that fell from his cheek.

"I am thankful for you...more than you could possibly imagine."

"Why don't you order that pizza Matty...then we can go down with the rest of your crew."

"Erin...seriously...thank you."

"You've got this Matty...just...reach out next time." She said as he went over to his computer and turned in a repeat order for pizza. "Ready go head down?"

"Erin can I...". He mumbled, looking down at the floor. Erin sat down on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck and let him bury his face for a minute. When he didn't pick up his head she started to scratch the back of his neck.

"Tired still Matty?" She asked. He nodded his head and she leaned her cheek against his head. "Go down, have some pizza with everyone...I can stay here tonight if you want."

"You would do that?" He asked.

"As long as your wife is okay with it." Erin teased and he lifted his head. "Let's go." She said standing Up and taking his hand.

They walked down right as the pizza kid was carrying in a giant stack of pies. "Eat up." Casey said walking over towards Squad table where everyone was hovering around a poker game. Erin walked over to Jay and kissed him before sitting on the armrest of the chair. "Stole Kellys seat I see." She smirked.

"Pretty sure if anyone else tried they they wouldn't live to tell the tale." Gabi smiled, putting her arm around Matt.

Erin leaned over and whispered in Jay's ear, "Staying here tonight." Instead of answering Jay pulled out his phone with a text from Hank-'You and Ruzek uc report at 9.' It was 8:30. "Location on?" She asked him, earning a weird look from the table. Again he just nodded, "Eat something before you go." She told him handing him a slice of pepperoni.

"You working tonight?" Kelly asked him.

"Yeah, guess Adam's ci got something finally."

"You too?" Kelly asked, while looking at Matt who seemed incredibly nervous.

"Nah...what they are doing is boys club...I only get to do UC when it involves a stripper, hooker or married couple." She smirked. "Adam just thinks he needs a wingman and keeps asking for Jay."

"Cuz Hank and Al could totally do it." Jay smirked, "Besides, you won't go out much anymore."

"So Erin gets to hang with us tonight." Gabi asked looking to her husband who was all kinds of fidgety.

"She can show you how we do our slumber parties." Jay said. "Right Sev?"

"Sounds good to me." Kelly said reaching over and pulling Gabi down onto his lap. "He'll be okay." He whispered into her ear as he loosely wrapped his arms around her.

She nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder, "We are all family here and we need to learn to be open with some of the hard stuff."

Herman put an arm around Casey and smiled, "At my house slumber parties have movies and popcorn."

"At my house they have Peter Pan." Jay kissed Erin, "It's in your bag by the tv." He told her as he squeezed out from under her, pushing her into the recliner in his place. "Have a good night guys." He said walking out.

"Stay safe Jay." Kelly. "Thanks Halstead." Matt. "You sure you two aren't married yet?" Herman. "Don't have too much fun." Sylvie said as she sat down on the armrest of the chair next to Erin.

"WHo's up for a movie?" Erin asked the group. No one said no. "Who's up to rearrange the furniture?"

"Halstead brought in a couple air mattresses with your bag." Herman told her.

"Oh, well that makes it easy then." Erin said smiling, of course he would have random airbeds in his car.

"Antonio dropped them off earlier." Gabi told her.

"Okay than let's get to it." Erin said. "You have to promise me that anything said, done or thought about tonight stays here." She said stopping everyone at the door. "Sylvie you and Gabi get them blown up and put them between the couch and tv. Cruz, Otis go round up a few blankets. Mouch grab the dvd from my backpack and get it ready to start. Capp, Herman, Stella can you guys round up some snacks?"

Ten minutes later everything was ready but no one knew where to sit. "Mouch—your spot. Stella next to him. Cruz and Otis finish it out. Kelly mattress in front of Kidd. Gabi in front of Mouch. Casey in front of Cruz...can the rest of you just figure it out. Pile in close together. Everyone should be touching someone." Herman laid down at the foot of the mattress Kelly was on and put his head on Kelly's leg and Sylvie sat down next to Casey with her back leaning against Cruz and Otis. Erin planted herself between the two lieutenants.

"Go ahead and start it." Erin said leaning back against Kelly who was leaning against Stella. She flipped a blanket out over her lap and pulled Casey so he was leaning against her just like he did when they were children in the group home. A well orchestrated jumble of people.

"I thought he was kidding when he said Peter Pan." Capp said digging his hand into the bowl of popcorn.

"We watch this one because most of us are like the Lost Boys...we have messy pasts...stumbling blocks...something really crappy we are running from...and just like the Lost Boys we have to stick together..."

"So are you Wendy or Tink?" Otis asked.

"Raise your hand if you had a perfect storybook happy life up to this point?" Erin said sending a glare to Otis. No one moved an inch.

"Now raise your hand if you had something happen that sucked the breath from your lungs and you didn't know how you could possibly continue on." Everyone raised a hand.

"My brother...Leon...when he..." Joe Cruz mumbled. Otis put his arm around his friend.

"Herman what about you?" Erin asked.

"When we lost the Baby...it was...it still haunts me." He answered, putting his hand on Matt's leg.

Erin saw Gabi wipe her eyes and lean into Kelly. "Mouch what about you?"

"When I almost lost my Trudy." Stella put a hand on his arm.

"Kell?" She asked already knowing his answer.

"Losing Friends...family..." he whispered, leaning into her for comfort.

"Capp?" Of all the guys he was the One she knew least about, he always kept to himself...usually in the background and yet he was the one who called her Over.

"My Dad died...couple months ago...heart attack..." he answered with a shaky voice and Erin watched as Sylvie put a hand on his shoulder and he moved so his head was on her thigh.

"You didn't say anything." Kelly said, "I'm sorry."

"He lived his entire life in Chicago. The way shifts fell I didn't need to take time."

"What is one thing you will always remember about your Father?" Erin asked. She could see the tears form in his eyes and she watched as he took a shakey breath.

"Tell me." Sylvie whispered as she took the focus from sharing with everyone to just her.

"My Pop taught me to be a man. He lived for my Mom and when she passed when I was in high school he." He choked on his words, "My Pop...He uh...he took over the things she did...cooking cleaning...everything...he just did it. Never saw him cry...could hear him some nights though after he thought I was asleep..."

"When he died...did you take the time to...to process?" Sylvie asked.

"He planned everything after my mom and I just followed the steps...and kept going." He said, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Sylvie ran her thumb from his nose, under his eye and down his cheek to his chin and he scooted up and wrapped an arm around her waist. Erin saw by the way she held him, how he was breathing that he was crying.

"When one of us has a rough case or a bad day...or if a memory pops out of nowhere and brings us to our knees we do this." Erin said, reaching across Matt to put her hand on Capps back. "Sharing our emotions...especially when we are hurting...that is what makes us family.

"When Shay died...". Gabi said through tears, "I blamed myself...I traded places with her...she was my best friend...but for Kelly...she was...she was family."

Mouch leaned forward and pulled Gabi to him rubbing her back. Kelly gripped her hand and Erin felt a tear slide from his eye to her cheek. "Shay was amazing...she made this house a family...could always tell when someone had a bad day and knew what to say to be a bright spot." Mouch said, his voice thick with emotion.

"To give a hug even when you said you were fine..." Otis said. "She just seemed to see right through..."

Erin looked around and saw tears in nearly everyone's eyes, felt Kelly and Matt holding on to her. "Matty...?"

"I met Erin when I was little...the night mom killed my dad...I was taken to a group home..." Erin felt his tears soak into her clothes as he spoke, "I was scared to death...I couldn't talk...I saw the other kids laugh and point at me but she just watched...and then she yelled at some of the older ones and came over to me...I was still standing by the door where the police left me...she put her arm around me and brought me to an ugly red couch..."

"Matty...". Erin said feeling the tears burn in her eyes. He didn't have to do this...not if he wasn't ready.

"That's what you said...you told me— Matty you are safe now...then you held me the entire night...I never knew your name...I just knew your voice...and I knew what safe felt like. When you were..." When the sobs took over Erin pulled him even more into her so he was sitting in her lap, head on her shoulder his face buried in her neck.

"You are safe Matty, everyone here is safe." Erin said and she felt everyone in the room put their arms around them, hearing the sniffles around them.

"Definitely Wendy." Otis said after a couple minutes. Erin looked up at him and gave a sad smile when he saw Joe leaning against him with tears streaming down his face.

Boden walked in shortly after and saw them all huddled together on air mattresses and looked like he was going to yell until his eyes locked with Erin's. When he saw Sylvie holding a still sobbing Capp and saw Casey's face buried into Erin's neck he mouthed the words thank you before retreating to his office.

Erin felt Mouch move and then Stella and was surprised when she turned around to find her curled up in his side. Otis had moved so Cruz was leaning into him. Sylvie had copied her and pulled Capp up against her. Gabi moved down and curled herself between Kelly and Herman, her face to the tv she looked focused on the movie.

When the movie finished Herman got up and put in Winnie the Pooh, the other movie Jay had in the bag. One by one the crew relaxed and began to nod off. Erin felt Casey relax heavier into her and knew Sylvie felt the same for Capp. "Anyone want to move up to the bunks?" Kelly asked without moving. When no one moved he reached over Gabi and one handed started passing blankets to those who were still awake. "Er?" Kelly asked.

"I am not going anywhere." Erin mumbled as she snuggled into Kelly's chest. He leaned his head over so it was resting against Stella's knee and she absently started to run her fingers through his hair. Matt tightened his arm around her waist and she tightened her arm around his back.

It didn't take long until Mouch, Herman, Sylvie and Erin were the only ones awake. "You met Casey when you were kids. You know Severide back then too?"

"We were never placed in the same homes...he lived with Teddy for a stint though...when his mom was in the hospital before Benny came back to town." She told him. Boden, Mouch and Herman had all worked with the man...watched Kelly, Darden and Casey grow up. "Losing Andy..."

"Don't think these two will ever be the same after that...he idolized Kelly...was in the same class as Casey couple years later." Mouch said.

"Shay kept the house together then...kept them from killing each other...after Hallie was killed...Casey checked out...that pulled Kelly back in. Two of them started spending more time together...but then Shay..."

"Mmmmm...not Shay...come back" Kelly mumbled in his sleep as he flipped around reaching out. Erin moved and pulled him quickly into her and he rolled so he was on his stomach half on her and half on Casey, waking up Gabi in the process.

Erin held both of their heads into her shoulders as she whispered to Kelly, "Shh...I'm right here. You are safe here...shhh."

Herman moved and pulled Gabi into him, "I've got you Kiddo." He told her.

It didnt take long for Kelly to relax back into a deep sleep, this time soft snores escaping his throat as his positioning was awkward to say the least.

"Don't know you do it Lindsay but something...thanks for taking care of us." Herman told her.

"I wish Capp would have said something about his Dad." Sylvie said barely above a whisper. "Guess we are just all in our own little worlds."

Yawning Herman laid back onto the mattress, "After tonight things will change."

Erin smiled, it had changed for her. She fell asleep holding two sleeping Lieutenants surrounded by the rest of the fire crew. That was how Boden found them when he emerged from his office around midnight. He shook his head and with a small smile he pulled out his phone and snapped a photograph. This was the kind of family he remembered from his younger days in the house...it only took a detective to find a way to get them back there.


End file.
